Stuck more on the situation, than the girl, herself...

[Inflikted]

I don't date, I don't have any real social life at all. I'm very introverted, and I really don't like people, period. That said, it bothers me that I'm that way, and I'm horribly lonely.

 

Anyway, three years ago, I developed a connection with a girl I knew. I genuinely enjoyed her company, I liked spending time with her and talking to her, and getting to know her. I never feel that way about anyone.

 

But I had to develop feelings and ask her out, to which she was uninterested. She started pulling away from me, things got awkward, and I desperately tried to keep a friendship going, but I screwed things up so bad that she practically ended up hating me for it.

 

I haven't seen her in over a year, but I've never been able to get over it and stop thinking about it completely. Thing is, I don't even think I'm specifically hung up on her. I just can't seem to let go of the situation itself.

 

It kills me to know that I finally found one person that I didn't hate, that I finally had something I've always wanted in my life, and I ruined it so badly, and left myself with nothing. I just can't seem to move on from that. I keep replaying it all in my head, kicking myself for how things went. Even on the off chance that I ever meet someone I feel this way for again, I don't believe I'd do things differently. I'd like to think I learned something from all of this, but I know that I didn't, and I know I'd make the same mistakes all over again.

[LoverOfDance]

You're being very pessimistic. Try to be more positive. Even if it is just a little bit. If you're a little bit positive, you'll be little bit happier. That would be my main advice to you. Whenever negative thoughts arise in your mind, try your best to replace them with something positive.

 

Don't say you'll make the same mistake again. Tell yourself, there is something to be learned from that experience. I'll try my best to figure it out and I'll do better next time.

[pteromom]

It kills me to know that I finally found one person that I didn't hate

 

 

Is it really that you found one person you didn't hate, or was it that you finally found someone you were comfortable sharing your true self with? Because those aren't the same thing, and the latter is something that can be worked on.

[Inflikted]

You're being very pessimistic. Try to be more positive. Even if it is just a little bit. If you're a little bit positive, you'll be little bit happier. That would be my main advice to you. Whenever negative thoughts arise in your mind, try your best to replace them with something positive.

 

Don't say you'll make the same mistake again. Tell yourself, there is something to be learned from that experience. I'll try my best to figure it out and I'll do better next time.

 

I find that my logic and my emotions don't match up in situations like that. Logically, I know what might cause any given situation to go badly, but when actually faced with it, my emotions lead me to making the worst choices, despite what I know logically.

 

Is it really that you found one person you didn't hate, or was it that you finally found someone you were comfortable sharing your true self with? Because those aren't the same thing, and the latter is something that can be worked on.

 

Eh, I don't know. I mean... I don't outwardly hate everyone. I'm not automatically closed off to people, I try to give everyone a chance, but I always just feel I have no connections with the people I meet. It was different with this girl. She caught my attention, and I actually found myself caring about her, getting to know her, etc. I actually liked being around her and whatnot. Generally, I'm completely indifferent and uninterested in people around me.

 

Yeah, I guess I felt more comfortable "being me" around her, but that kind of goes hand in hand with feeling a connection with her.

[Inflikted]

Anyway, even though I can look back and see how I handled things poorly, like I said, I feel like when put into the same situation again, my emotions would "override" my logic and my memories, and I'd end up screwing things up with whoever else.

 

I realize the argument against this, but perhaps one of my biggest takeaways from this is that I wish I'd never asked her out, I wish I'd have just kept my feelings to myself. Perhaps we'd have been able to have a friendship, perhaps we'd still be friends to this day.

 

Yes, that does beg some other questions, like "How would you have felt when she inevitably started dating someone?" and "How do you know you would've stayed friends?" and "Would you really have wanted to be friends with someone you secretly had feelings for?". And truthfully, I don't know the answers to any of those questions.

 

But I just wish I came out of that whole thing with something good in my life. It kills me inside to know that I found the one person in the world that I liked on any level at all, and not only did I fail in maintaining a proper connection with that person, but my emotions caused me to screw things up so badly that that person ended up hating my guts and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me.

[StanMusial]

If you can connect with one then you can connect with others. It is improbable that she is the only person in existence that you could form any sort of connection with.

[road]

If you can connect with one then you can connect with others. It is improbable that she is the only person in existence that you could form any sort of connection with.

 

Yes.

 

 

Find out in IC why you have social problems. And you did not mess up with that girl. You just had not realized that she had you friend zoned from the beginning.

[Inflikted]

If you can connect with one then you can connect with others. It is improbable that she is the only person in existence that you could form any sort of connection with.

 

Maybe, but I'm 26, on the road to 27. I can't even make platonic friends, let alone date. If we're talking about odds, I don't think mine look very good. 26 and I've only connected with one person? Doesn't seem to bode well, to me.

 

Find out in IC why you have social problems. And you did not mess up with that girl. You just had not realized that she had you friend zoned from the beginning.

 

I don't know what "IC" is. Anyway, I don't know that it was a "friend zone" thing, really. I mean, heck, later on, long after I had asked her out, she had started dating a guy that she had known the same amount of time as she knew me. It's not like either me or him were in "friend zone" territory.

 

But I did mess it up, regardless, because I drove her so far away from me. For comparison, there was another mutual friend of ours that she had dated and broke up with due to him cheating on her. And she and him were super close friends even after all that happened. In comparison, I had feelings for her, had a hard time dealing with her rejection, and she didn't want to be around me anymore. She could be best friends with a guy who cheated on her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. That speaks volumes about me, in my opinion.

 

I dunno. I just... If I were a "better"/ smarter/ "socially intelligent" person, maybe things would've been different. Maybe I would've handled things better, maybe we could've continued being friends, or something. But I always find a way to push people away. Always.

 

And I never learn. Heck, back when I was preparing to ask this girl out, I prepped myself hard for rejection. I kept telling myself "It'll be okay, everything will be fine, you'll handle it well, you'll dust yourself off and pull through, you don't get weird and make things uncomfortable, you'll play it cool, you'll stay friends, etc." over and over and over again. Then the situation comes, and I just completely fall apart, and I make all the worst decisions, and I make someone hate me.

[spiderowl]

I sympathise with you because I'm an introvert too and I know it is hard to make connections when you find socialising difficult. Because it is difficult, it is easy to pin too much on one relationship. You have learned things from this. Maybe you expected too much from one person because you do not have other connections. There are people out there who you wouldn't hate; it's a question of finding them and giving them a chance.

 

Although for you this was an incredibly important relationship because it was the first meaningful relationship for you, you need to remember it was one of many potential relationships. I think you would find it helpful to see a counsellor or have some kind of therapy to help you with your introversion. It isn't easy to be like this, I know, but circumstances have forced me to go out and meet people and made things a bit easier on that front. One learns a few skills and how to get over nervousness - it all helps.

 

I think if you can learn ways of dealing with being introverted which enable you to make connections, you will not focus so much on this one relationship. You will realise there are other opportunities that you are probably not even seeing at the moment if you are hiding away from others. You can't expect others to come to you, there has to be some work on your part to make connections. Also, any new partner is going to need to know they can rely on you to be a bit sociable, to be able to deal with people, and not to cut them off from the world because you hate everyone else. These are things you need to look at with a therapist. There is real hope and I'm sure it could make a big difference to you.

Edited April 7, 2015 by spiderowl

[Inflikted]

I think if you can learn ways of dealing with being introverted which enable you to make connections, you will not focus so much on this one relationship. You will realise there are other opportunities that you are probably not even seeing at the moment if you are hiding away from others. You can't expect others to come to you, there has to be some work on your part to make connections. Also, any new partner is going to need to know they can rely on you to be a bit sociable, to be able to deal with people, and not to cut them off from the world because you hate everyone else. These are things you need to look at with a therapist. There is real hope and I'm sure it could make a big difference to you.

 

I guess. I dunno. I wouldn't say I specifically "hide out" or shut myself out, nor would I cut a partner off from the world, or anything like that. Thing is, I don't have anything against social activities. True, I don't get out much, but that's mainly because I don't feel any reason to if I don't have anyone to go places and do things with.

 

A while back, there were a handful of times some acquaintances reached out to me and invited me to stuff, and I jumped at the opportunity to get out and do something with people. Admittedly, I felt a bit disconnected to them during said activities, but I was trying. And that's the thing, if someone invites me somewhere or something like that, I'll go and try to socialize and try to make the best of it, but on my own, I just don't feel compelled to go out and do stuff.

 

There's nowhere I, personally, have an interest in going, there's no activity or hobby I'm interested in going out and doing and/ or finding an activity group to do them with. I'm content occupying myself at home. But if someone else were to bring up something to me, I'd be down for it. Nobody really does, though, not within the last couple of years, anyway. Most of the people I knew drifted away from me and went on to their own lives. There's only, like, one guy I still know that I hung out with once a long time ago, but he barely talks to me, and he's been more preoccupied with his girlfriend and his own life.

 

I also wouldn't describe myself as "nervous" towards people or socializing. Mainly... indifferent. Any time I meet someone new, I just feel like I don't care about anything I learn about them. And I never really feel the need to let them learn anything about me. Not like there's really anything about me worth knowing about, anyway, but still.

[spiderowl]

I guess. I dunno. I wouldn't say I specifically "hide out" or shut myself out, nor would I cut a partner off from the world, or anything like that. Thing is, I don't have anything against social activities. True, I don't get out much, but that's mainly because I don't feel any reason to if I don't have anyone to go places and do things with.

 

A while back, there were a handful of times some acquaintances reached out to me and invited me to stuff, and I jumped at the opportunity to get out and do something with people. Admittedly, I felt a bit disconnected to them during said activities, but I was trying. And that's the thing, if someone invites me somewhere or something like that, I'll go and try to socialize and try to make the best of it, but on my own, I just don't feel compelled to go out and do stuff.

 

There's nowhere I, personally, have an interest in going, there's no activity or hobby I'm interested in going out and doing and/ or finding an activity group to do them with. I'm content occupying myself at home. But if someone else were to bring up something to me, I'd be down for it. Nobody really does, though, not within the last couple of years, anyway. Most of the people I knew drifted away from me and went on to their own lives. There's only, like, one guy I still know that I hung out with once a long time ago, but he barely talks to me, and he's been more preoccupied with his girlfriend and his own life.

 

I also wouldn't describe myself as "nervous" towards people or socializing. Mainly... indifferent. Any time I meet someone new, I just feel like I don't care about anything I learn about them. And I never really feel the need to let them learn anything about me. Not like there's really anything about me worth knowing about, anyway, but still.

 

It might be worth checking to see if you are suffering from depression. Lack of interest in activities is one of the symptoms. There are symptom-checkers online but you could talk to your doc too. Where do you think the indifference comes from?

[Inflikted]

Where do you think the indifference comes from?

 

I don't know. I basically find everyone I meet to be uninteresting. And I don't mean that I'm looking for people to be exciting and crazy and whatnot. I just... I guess I just feel like I don't relate well to anyone.