MontyD Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 "Oh, don't it hurt deep inside, To see someone do something' to her?" I don't know if silence really is golden but the Tremeloes certainly got something right in that song! It kills. But it kills even more when its your own brother. To fill in the blanks my brother is my best friend, and a top guy! We are super close. Always have been. We even live together now. But though everyone says we look so alike aside from that we're pretty different. He's 3 years my senior ands always been the slightly wayward, uber confident, captain of the football team, works as a builder and when it comes to girls he's always been what I guess you'd call a player. Whereas I've wouldn't say I'm shy but I'm quieter, got straight A's at school, swimming was my sport, I work as a cop, and I've had eyes for the same girl since primary school.. ..my brothers girl. She lived across the street from us growing up, but she was my brothers age and 3 years is a lot when your young, but as we got older we hung around more and more in the same social circles and me and her got to be good friends. I had a school boy crush on her since I was about 7 or 8 but it was a crush that never went away only got stronger. I love her. And I love my brother. He started dating her about a year ago, sure its not easy but I want them to be happy and if he treated her well, then I'd never say a word and spend my life as their best friend. But he doesn't! He says he's serious about her but I know he's cheated, I know he flirts with other girls. They're not even very suited, her birthday just gone I bought her present, I wrapped it, he gave it too her, and what's even more ridiculous is she could tell, and thanked me. He was meant to pick her up from the airport and rings me last minuet to tell me no can do and can I get there sharpish, which I do. I don't understand why she believes all those same lies that she heard him tell other girls back in the day. So what would you do? If I don't say anything I let one of my closest friends be screwed over - what kind of man does that make me? and if she finds out, I've lied to her too. If I say something I screw my brother, my best friend and for what - for integrity? Or for envy? - what kind of man does that make me!
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Hmm, very difficult. I think you could say something - like 'My brother's always had an eye for the ladies and I wish he wouldn't take the lovely ones for granted', then leave it at that. It must be torture if you love her and he is messing her around but she needs to come to her own conclusions about him. If you interfere, you will become the bad guy too. It's worth bearing in mind that you could have become very attached to this girl because you have seen a lot of her. If you mixed in other circles and saw more of other women, there is a real possibility you would fall for someone else. Bonding tends to occur with people we are more familiar with. I don't think there is anything you can do about her and your brother. If you want any chance with this girl, you need to leave it to the future and get out and about meeting other women instead. Just make it clear to her that you care for her before you do. She'll get the message. 1
Author MontyD Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 Hmm, very difficult. I think you could say something - like 'My brother's always had an eye for the ladies and I wish he wouldn't take the lovely ones for granted', then leave it at that. Thing is, this girls known him almost as long as I've known him! She knows what he's like, she's seen him cheat on other girls and now she's buying all the BS she heard him tell them, cause she thinks, I don't know what, that they're meant to be.. It must be torture if you love her and he is messing her around but she needs to come to her own conclusions about him. If you interfere, you will become the bad guy too. I love her. And I love him. And it hurts my heart. I'd never really hurt anyone, I think my biggest set back is probably being a bit too easy going, and yet somehow I've ended up in this situation where whatever I do now I'm the bad guy to at least one (and more likely) both of them! It's worth bearing in mind that you could have become very attached to this girl because you have seen a lot of her. If you mixed in other circles and saw more of other women, there is a real possibility you would fall for someone else. Bonding tends to occur with people we are more familiar with. I don't think there is anything you can do about her and your brother. If you want any chance with this girl, you need to leave it to the future and get out and about meeting other women instead. I know, and there's been other girls. Its just not the same as with her. Nice girls, out of my league probably, girls I should be more than happy with! But I'm not in love with her for her looks or anything like that, Its the conversation, its the way we "click" when I never used to understand what that meant, its the way that I don't even have to try. We went to a family wedding a while back and my brother he's life and soul of the party, and I'm think like 'are you going to go dance with your boyfriend?' but she actually spent most of the evening playing pool and talking to me.. So then i'm left with, why did she pick him! Though I guess I cant blame anyone but myself, I spent years waiting for the right time to tell her how I felt. Just make it clear to her that you care for her before you do. She'll get the message. As in...?
todreaminblue Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 suggest to your brother to tell the truth on his own accord.......or you will have to tell her......explain why...i fyou brother si really a stand up guy he wont put you in a position like you are in...he will fix it...the lady in question.....is still off limits to you.....for obvious reasons...keep it that way......good luck ....deb
Author MontyD Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 suggest to your brother to tell the truth on his own accord.......or you will have to tell her......explain why...i fyou brother si really a stand up guy he wont put you in a position like you are in...he will fix it... We had this conversation when I first found out he'd cheated on her. He gave me the i'm learning, one more chance, speech. And even back then I didn't know if I actually would tell her or not. I've been caught between the two of them since the get go trying not to rock the boat. the lady in question.....is still off limits to you.....for obvious reasons...keep it that way......good luck ....deb yeah.. See theres also this selfish part of me that knows if I tell her, if I split them up, A) he'll feel betrayed, but also B) she'll leave, and I don't want her to leave....even if I settle for playing supporting cast. But then theres this other part that's like if you love her, you should make sure she has the facts, set her free so to speak.
Davey L Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Firstly. It's not something for you to get involved in. She knows something of what he is like and maybe she's prepared to put up with it to some extent. Nobody really knows what goes on in somebody else's marriage. Secondly, your loyalty is to your brother not to her, whatever your feelings for her. Thirdly, what would your motive really be for talking to her about his behaviour? Honestly?
spiderowl Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Thing is, this girls known him almost as long as I've known him! She knows what he's like, she's seen him cheat on other girls and now she's buying all the BS she heard him tell them, cause she thinks, I don't know what, that they're meant to be.. I love her. And I love him. And it hurts my heart. I'd never really hurt anyone, I think my biggest set back is probably being a bit too easy going, and yet somehow I've ended up in this situation where whatever I do now I'm the bad guy to at least one (and more likely) both of them! I know, and there's been other girls. Its just not the same as with her. Nice girls, out of my league probably, girls I should be more than happy with! But I'm not in love with her for her looks or anything like that, Its the conversation, its the way we "click" when I never used to understand what that meant, its the way that I don't even have to try. We went to a family wedding a while back and my brother he's life and soul of the party, and I'm think like 'are you going to go dance with your boyfriend?' but she actually spent most of the evening playing pool and talking to me.. So then i'm left with, why did she pick him! Though I guess I cant blame anyone but myself, I spent years waiting for the right time to tell her how I felt. As in...? I don't know, honestly, something simple like 'I think a lot of you, you know'. Said in a fairly serious but warm tone and then just leave her to think about it while you make the effort to get out and date. She almost certainly knows you like her. She might not know how serious you are about her. If you said that, she would know. You wouldn't need to elaborate. She would wonder why you were looking outwards and not spending so much time with her. She'd notice. You actually need to do very little to get the message across. 1
Tayla Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 rule of thumb, brothers rule 101- they do not chase each others interest. respect that. with that in mind, distance yourself from them. If the topic comes up on loyalty... show yours by saying, you take it seriously and have little time to discuss your brothers need to improve his. If they are adults, she could have taken a cab... you seem to be playing both sides .... gets tiring eh? So move along and refrain from this forelorn love...
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 As you said, she knows what he's all about so she is going into their relationship having information about his behaviour. Fool she is. Don't do anything. You can't betray your brother, he is your rock, your best friend and your obligation is to him not to her, even though she's a good childhood friend and now dating your brother. Get her out of your heart and head, otherwise there's gonna be trouble and hurt feelings. Just don't go there. Put a bit of distance between you and her, spend more time with other friends, get to know other girls. IF in the future, they break up and enough time has gone by, possibly you two could talk about stuff, but until then, (IF) don't do anything about what you feel for her.
Author MontyD Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Thirdly, what would your motive really be for talking to her about his behaviour? Honestly? Pffftt... honestly? Integrity...loyalty...love...guilt...honour...envy.....I don't know, maybe a mixture of everything? All I can say is I feel deep inside my chest from somewhere like if I was, I dunno, a "nobler" man I wouldn't be sitting on this. you seem to be playing both sides .... gets tiring eh? I'm a ****ing juggler!!! Literally I try so damn hard to please other people, I feel like i'm trying to keep all these balls in the air and I just cant do it. And somehow if its going to come crashing down it's going to come crashing down on my head. Somehow whatever I do i'm going to be the bad guy! My biggest mistake was NOT kicking up a fuss, or pushing for what I wanted! My brother knew I had a crush on her as a kid, he asked me if I was cool with him and her hooking up in the first place, and I said yeah, and I should of said no, so theres no one to blame but me! But at the time I just figured, she picked him, not me, him, so if they had a chance at being happy who was I to stand in the way of that! And believe that i'd of been their biggest supporter for the rest of there lives if he's just treated her like I know he's capable of. He's a good man. As you said, she knows what he's all about so she is going into their relationship having information about his behaviour. Fool she is. Don't do anything. You can't betray your brother, he is your rock, your best friend and your obligation is to him not to her, even though she's a good childhood friend and now dating your brother. You agree my hands are tied then? I don't wanna be too passive with life anymore, that mistakes been made, o want to take control. But I can't take control of this situation. My hands are tied.
spiderowl Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 How does your brother feel about this girl? He might cheat on her but some guys are inveterate womanisers. It doesn't mean they don't get attached to a particular one.
Author MontyD Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 How does your brother feel about this girl? He might cheat on her but some guys are inveterate womanisers. It doesn't mean they don't get attached to a particular one. I think he does care about her in his own way, whether he actually loves her I'm not so sure. Obviously I'm not in his head but as his brother, and someone whos seen him in and out of every relationship he's ever been in, my opinion is that he's never been in love. Never really fallen for anyone. Not that kind of do-anything-anywhere-with-you-spend-my-life-with-you love. He's a bit head in the clouds really but whears for me or our parents he'll make sacrifices I've never really seen him do that for a girl, they tend to just fit in round him. But that's just another way we're different really. I live for the day to day, for a nice dog walk on the river, a pub lunch or drink down the local, movies on the sofa, camping on the beach, I look forward to sharing that stuff with someone and hopefully one day sharing bed time stories, and little league with them. Ray is more about the fireworks, the spontaneous adventures, I know why girls like spending time with him cause I like spending time with him, the road trips with no maps, waking up in England one day and watching the sunrise in Greece the next, the spur of he moment bungee jump. He's a fun guy to be around. But he gets bored with the monotonous and my experience with him and girls is they get hooked and he gets bored. That said he's been with her 3x as long as he's been with anyone else. Maybe cause she knows what he's like better.
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