Ex and I started seeing each other again ....problems! Help!

April 6, 2015

My ex and I recently broke up after three years of being together. We were engaged and we lived together for about 2 1/2 years. We lived in three apartments together. The last apartment we moved into we signed a two-year contract and she decided to break it after three weeks of being there.

She basically broke up with me kind of out of nowhere and told me that she wanted me to live at that apartment and move back into the old one while dating other people and while dating me. I told her there's no way I can afford the new apartment and that I was going to get a different place of my own. After a month passed with me not talking to her at all, she reached out to me telling me she wanted to meet up and talk about things. Turns out within that month she had a fling with one guy while she originally wanted to have sex with a different guy but also get to know him better and date him. She was honest about this and I was willing to pursue dating her again and moving on past it.

We ended up having a ton of make up sex which was the best sex we've agreed we've ever had. We also went on a few amazing dates (she spent this past weekend over spending the night during those dates). The first date to rekindle things I brought her to the restaurant where we had our first date (I even blindfolded her!). I told her my intentions and that I wanted to have a fresh restart and see seemed excited about the idea. After this amazing weekend we had together she started back into her emotional roller coaster that she used to be when we were together. She told me she wasn't ready to commit to anyone at all, she wanted to focus on working on herself and she didn't want to date anyone else, but she wanted me to date other people.

She told me she didn't care if I had swings but if I fall in love with someone else her heart would be crushed. Last night I went over to her place literally to have sex which we both agreed upon and it didn't happen because when she referred to it as lovemaking, I told her this doesn't really seem like lovemaking anymore. She told me I could leave and I apologized and we kind I had a little bit of a fight and things started getting mixed up. I was having a bit of a panic attack she told me to just lay down and hold her so she could sleep. I passed out for an hour and then I am guilty of admitting this, but I snooped on her phone and found out she had sex with someone else recently, One of her other ex-boyfriends she has been talking to. So as I was getting ready to walk out the door she heard me and asked me where I was going. I told her I was leaving and then she gave me a kiss and said that's all she wanted. As she was half asleep in bed I sat next to her and I said "so you had sex with Eric". And she was silent for a moment and told me that I could go. I told her yeah I'm going to. I asked her when was this and she said this week.

I said "after you agreed to restart things of me in the restaurant where we first met?" And she admitted to it. So I told her I really feel sorry for you and I deserve better than this. And she told me that I deserve to be happy, and I can't be what you want me to be right now I don't know what I really want I'm trying to figure myself out. I told her that she's allowing herself to rot and she's making the person I never thought she would become and that I believe she has so much more potential than this. I told her that she deserves to be happy too. And she told me no she doesn't and that she deserves a bullet in her head.

She told me that she doesn't understand why she's done half the things that she has done recently and that part of her one wanted me to hate her so I would just stop caring. My heart is really crushed now. I am really disappointed because I truly love her and she says she truly loves me but she wanted me to show it through actions which I obviously did and I thought it was kind of karma because she didn't show it through her actions.

After all of this we saw a therapist which she mentioned the idea (I mentioned it a long time ago) and after our first session the therapist told us to take separate sessions until we agree to take couples therapy sessions. So I guess we will see the truth if it even gets to that. I am still very anxious because we haven't talked at all and we aren't supposed to until or if we have couples therapy through our therapist

Edited April 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

April 6, 2015

Save your money. Couples therapy for a dating relationship . . .puh-lease. If it's that bad just get out.

No therapist will be able to fix the fact that she wants out and that she has lousy timing. She's been with other men. The idea that she wants to date others & you is crazy unless you both want an open relationship. Her timing, telling you that she wants to break up three weeks after you signed a 2 year lease tells me she doesn't care about you or she is incredibly immature. A responsible person would have discussed her change of heart with you before entering into a binding legal commitment with you.

April 6, 2015

I'm not just seeing a therapist for us, I am seeing the therapist for myself to help me get over her. We weren't just dating, we lived together most of our relationship and we were engaged. But yeah I am fed up bc of everything you just pointed out. I don't understand what she was trying to do by seeing me again.

April 6, 2015

My ex and I recently broke up after three years of being together. We were engaged and we lived together for about 2 1/2 years. We lived in three apartments together. The last apartment we moved into we signed a two-year contract and she decided to break it after three weeks of being there.

She basically broke up with me kind of out of nowhere and told me that she wanted me to live at that apartment and move back into the old one while dating other people and while dating me. I told her there's no way I can afford the new apartment and that I was going to get a different place of my own. After a month passed with me not talking to her at all, she reached out to me telling me she wanted to meet up and talk about things. Turns out within that month she had a fling with one guy while she originally wanted to have sex with a different guy but also get to know him better and date him. She was honest about this and I was willing to pursue dating her again and moving on past it.

We ended up having a ton of make up sex which was the best sex we've agreed we've ever had. We also went on a few amazing dates (she spent this past weekend over spending the night during those dates). The first date to rekindle things I brought her to the restaurant where we had our first date (I even blindfolded her!). I told her my intentions and that I wanted to have a fresh restart and see seemed excited about the idea. After this amazing weekend we had together she started back into her emotional roller coaster that she used to be when we were together. She told me she wasn't ready to commit to anyone at all, she wanted to focus on working on herself and she didn't want to date anyone else, but she wanted me to date other people.

She told me she didn't care if I had swings but if I fall in love with someone else her heart would be crushed. Last night I went over to her place literally to have sex which we both agreed upon and it didn't happen because when she referred to it as lovemaking, I told her this doesn't really seem like lovemaking anymore. She told me I could leave and I apologized and we kind I had a little bit of a fight and things started getting mixed up. I was having a bit of a panic attack she told me to just lay down and hold her so she could sleep. I passed out for an hour and then I am guilty of admitting this, but I snooped on her phone and found out she had sex with someone else recently, One of her other ex-boyfriends she has been talking to. So as I was getting ready to walk out the door she heard me and asked me where I was going. I told her I was leaving and then she gave me a kiss and said that's all she wanted. As she was half asleep in bed I sat next to her and I said "so you had sex with Eric". And she was silent for a moment and told me that I could go. I told her yeah I'm going to. I asked her when was this and she said this week.

I said "after you agreed to restart things of me in the restaurant where we first met?" And she admitted to it. So I told her I really feel sorry for you and I deserve better than this. And she told me that I deserve to be happy, and I can't be what you want me to be right now I don't know what I really want I'm trying to figure myself out. I told her that she's allowing herself to rot and she's making the person I never thought she would become and that I believe she has so much more potential than this. I told her that she deserves to be happy too. And she told me no she doesn't and that she deserves a bullet in her head.

She told me that she doesn't understand why she's done half the things that she has done recently and that part of her one wanted me to hate her so I would just stop caring. My heart is really crushed now. I am really disappointed because I truly love her and she says she truly loves me but she wanted me to show it through actions which I obviously did and I thought it was kind of karma because she didn't show it through her actions.

After all of this we saw a therapist which she mentioned the idea (I mentioned it a long time ago) and after our first session the therapist told us to take separate sessions until we agree to take couples therapy sessions. So I guess we will see the truth if it even gets to that. I am still very anxious because we haven't talked at all and we aren't supposed to until or if we have couples therapy through our therapist

This is a problem that you attached to yourself! And it is a problem that you can cut loose on your own too.

Just read what you wrote, this is the second time she is doing this. DO you really deserve that? Dude, get out of this. She isn't worth!

You should have never taken her back in first place, she left you for someone else! Think about that....

Where is your self respect? Muster it up, all that you can gather, call in your banners, and fight this stupid person out of your life....

Look at her dude! What she is doing to you.... Look! (No not through your eyes, but through your brains)

April 6, 2015

I'm not just seeing a therapist for us, I am seeing the therapist for myself to help me get over her. We weren't just dating, we lived together most of our relationship and we were engaged. But yeah I am fed up bc of everything you just pointed out. I don't understand what she was trying to do by seeing me again.

What she was trying to do? It didn't work out with the other guy as she had planned, you were her safety net.

And used you she did!

#Thesegirlsain'tloyal

April 6, 2015

I just don't understand why she even bothered to come back but wasn't even serious and took advantage of me.

April 6, 2015

What she was trying to do? It didn't work out with the other guy as she had planned, you were her safety net.

And used you she did!

#Thesegirlsain'tloyal

No she was still talking to her ex too. Idk none of it makes sense.

April 6, 2015

I just don't understand why she even bothered to come back but wasn't even serious and took advantage of me.

Because you're an easy mark, a sure thing, a soft place to land while she figures out her next step, which probably doesn't involve you in any serious manner. It's not up to her to look out of you, it's up to you to look out for you.

April 6, 2015

I just don't understand why she even bothered to come back but wasn't even serious and took advantage of me.

Because she wasn't even serious and took advantage of you.

Why?

Because she knew she could, because you let her.

April 6, 2015

Because you're an easy mark, a sure thing, a soft place to land while she figures out her next step, which probably doesn't involve you in any serious manner. It's not up to her to look out of you, it's up to you to look out for you.

I think it's the other way around, it's not my responsibility to look out for her.

April 6, 2015

First of all, she doesn't sound stable, at all. Given how quickly she 'moved on', and that she was dishonest with you in a way by saying she wanted a fresh start and then began just screwing other ex's, it shows a serious lack of consideration for your feelings.

What exactly are your intentions with her? Why do you want to get back together. it seems to me she's shown you more than enough evidence to convince you that she's just NOT going to be able to give you what you want.

I know this from a similar experience. When someone breaks your trust like this, it'll probably never go back to the way it was... not completely. you'll always be wondering if she's doing something behind your back, stomping on your heart again.

You also probably feel discouraged because you couldn't stop her from leaving... or changing her behavior... you wanted to be the exception to the rule. You may feel like you weren't enough to shift her characters. but let me tell you this: if it wasn't you, it would have happened to someone else. It has nothing to do with your abilities as a man/person, it has to do with her lack of integrity and honesty, or her confusion with her own life.

You don't need this kind of stress in your life. Don't do couples counseling, you need to break it for now and let her figure out her own mind, because she's just going to continue hurting you with the way it is right now.

April 6, 2015

I would also say she is likely VERY insecure.

Sometimes girls can get into relationships and start to feel their sense of self-worth falling off, because they're just with one person and only get validation from them. Eventually, for SOME WOMEN, they seek attention elsewhere. Sometimes it's just flirting, sometimes it's coffee, sometimes drinks, sometimes they straight-up cheat because they need to feel like they might have other options.

To me, it sounds like she broke it off because she wanted to see what else is out there. Probably still cares for you and all, but needed some kind of 'feel better' attention after a long time with the same person and the engagement.

Now, she's trying to have her cake and eat it too, because she wants you under her own terms, while seeing other people, no strings attached, etc, etc...

Unless you both want the same thing relationship-wise, don't do this to yourself.

April 6, 2015

One of her reasons for leaving me was because we didn't get married within 3 years of being together. She was also mad I didn't go with her to meet her mom that she hadn't really known since she was a kid. Her mom was screwed up, allow her to be raped by her stepfather and kidnapped her from her real father and abandoned her more than once. This is why I never understood why she wanted to meet her mother.

April 6, 2015

One of her reasons for leaving me was because we didn't get married within 3 years of being together. She was also mad I didn't go with her to meet her mom that she hadn't really known since she was a kid. Her mom was screwed up, allow her to be raped by her stepfather and kidnapped her from her real father and abandoned her more than once. This is why I never understood why she wanted to meet her mother.

Well that probably has a lot to do with her attitude. She needs to resolve this within her own head. Hopefully, she can see someone (a professional) to can help her through it, but it sounds like she's in too deep with her issues right now to have a real relationship.

April 6, 2015

Take the reigns here, big man. Do not under any circumstances let her burst your bubble again. Meanwhile, strengthen that bubble of yours, because, now she has you exactly where she wants you, as a option. She doesn't care about you. Inky herself and her needs. Nip that in the bud. Block, delete, don't reply, move on.

Make plans to reconnect with old friends, take a course, plan a road trip, buy a motorcycle, plan a group to go to music festivals.

Your questions: why did she agree to start over. Because it felt good bring loved and wanted. She used you for that night, knowing her heart wasn't in it. Just like she signed a lease with you, it felt good, but her heart wasn't in it. All this time you're offering to take her back, she'd poop all over that too. Strengthen your game, build yourself up and move on.

April 6, 2015

I think it's the other way around, it's not my responsibility to look out for her.

Sure, but you're the one painting yourself out to be the victim here. You are the only one who can make yourself a victim -- she can't do that to you and it's not up to her to stay away. It's up to you to show some backbone.

April 6, 2015

I just don't understand why she even bothered to come back but wasn't even serious and took advantage of me.

Because you let her.

Because you let her.

Because you let her.

April 6, 2015

She also admitted her comparison of 3 years was to her ex who she wasted her entire time being with because he cheated on her with teenagers and did drugs all the time. She always told me she would never cheat because of this, that's the ironic part. And when we started seeing eachother again I said what you want sounds like an open relationship and she didn't want to label it anything. Within this week of seeing eachother again, she went from wanting to do things again to not talking to me at all anymore because I said straight up in the therapy session that I no longer want to associate with her unless we end up in therapy together.

April 6, 2015

Because you let her.

Because you let her.

Because you let her.

Your avatar is priceless.. lololol

April 6, 2015

She also admitted her comparison of 3 years was to her ex who she wasted her entire time being with because he cheated on her with teenagers and did drugs all the time. She always told me she would never cheat because of this, that's the ironic part. And when we started seeing eachother again I said what you want sounds like an open relationship and she didn't want to label it anything. Within this week of seeing eachother again, she went from wanting to do things again to not talking to me at all anymore because I said straight up in the therapy session that I no longer want to associate with her unless we end up in therapy together.

Forget the group therapy. Go to therapy on your own and let her do her thing. Why are you continuing to try to apply lipstick to this pig?

April 6, 2015

I am doing therapy on my own

April 6, 2015

You have to watch out for girls with problems from previous relationships, or the ones who are insecure.

These type of girls flip switch real quick, because for them the main goal is to feel wanted. Once they see that you want them, now they are focused on that other guy who looks like a challenge. These girls are a waste of time and their flip of the switch is, in fact, a blessing in disguise for you. As soon as they flip it, the better!

You don't want that switch staying on, and then flipping, 20 years, a marriage, a house, and 4 kids later....

That would SUCK!

April 6, 2015

I am doing therapy on my own

Good. Stop trying to force therapy on her and stop trying to force this relationship.

April 11, 2015

I've stopped forcing or pursuing. I actually blocked her from my phone and everything else bc I want to move on with my life for myself. It's up to her if she wants to join my life, if I'm really worth it to her, she will find ways to pursue me.

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Ex and I started seeing each other again ....problems! Help!

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