mlee08 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I've been attracted to my nurse practitioner ever since I've been going to her - about 2 years. I thought it was one-sided. When I saw her last, I ended up telling her I'm gay. I wasn't going to get into issues I'm having in my marriage, but it all came out b/c it's so tied in with my depression. I'm in a hetero marriage. It's a long story but we agreed we want to stay together and have an open marriage tho neither one of us has acted on it. We've just lately been having marriage issues. I'll call the NCP Ann. I assumed Ann was gay but not sure. She goes to my mom's church and mom said she saw her with a man once but never again. Anyway, Ann asks a few questions but mostly lets me talk. I looked down most of the time b/c it was awkward for me to talk about this. When I looked up, she was watching me. Her pupils were very dilated so that they looked inky pools. I'd never seen anyone look at me like that before. I couldn't help looking into her eyes for a brief moment. She didn't look away. IDK maybe she didn't even know she was doing it, but later I looked up what dilated pupils mean. It says sexual attraction. I keep thinking about her and looking forward to seeing her again. She has me coming back in a few weeks which is odd because she never has had me come back in not even when I was in worse shape. I told my husband that we discussed our marriage just b/c she thinks we should talk about these things (Husband never wants to talk.). He got unusually upset and said she shouldn't be talking about this with me - that she's my doctor not my friend or therapist. This surprised me since... I don't see anything wrong with it. Esp since she brought up seeing a therapist, but I told her I had seen a therapist and had a bad experience (Therapist had seemed uncomfy speaking about homosexuality.) with it so didn't want to go again. My husband works with the state medical board in his job though so he would know. I asked if he'd rather me not see her and he said I shouldn't stop. It's not like I think she'll do anything or that I will. It's just this episode makes me think of a couple of times that her behavior made me pause but later I dismissed it as nothing... My husband is in denial about me being gay. He thinks that since I have sex with him sometimes I'm not gay. I only do that b/c I'm afraid of him having an affair. I do love our life together. It's just hard and I wish I'd been honest with myself all along sometimes. I don't think it's a good idea to get my hopes up about someone - and I can't help feeling how I feel about her... What should I do? We both also have the same religious background and I feel like I could learn a lot from her. There's a lot I want to ask her but know I shouldn't perhaps even be seeing her again.
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 An extra marital affair is still cheating whether your AP is your gender or the opposite gender. Do not start anything with anybody until you have filed for divorce. If you truly think there is a future with her, start looking for a new doctor. She can't treat you if she's your GF
Author mlee08 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) I do think she's attracted to me, but being interested in me is a whole 'nother story. She has a lot to lose getting involved with a patient even if we discontinue that relationship. It could leave her open to malpractice. Not that I think anyone would care but she'd be risking her job. This is a small town in a region that isn't exactly welcoming to homosexuality. Gays can't even marry here (yet). A lesbian couple would spread like wildfire. Not to mention she's Catholic, a very active Catholic. Without going into detail, I have a lot to lose from divorcing my husband as well. I can't see myself divorcing my husband unless something big happens. Though, the first thing Ann asked me after I told her was if I'd filed for divorce. I guess she doesn't know that my family is very Catholic, also (I'm not but have that background which is part of the reason I'm in this marriage in the first place.). ETA: My instincts tell me to move away from this b/c I'm getting attached. I have a good reason to get a new doctor b/c husband and I live an hour away. I keep making excuses. Tho a part of me feels my marriage is not going to work out and I'm going to be stuck back in my hometown again so I don't want to move everything up here. We've been married only a year. It did help so much to talk to someone. I have no one else to talk to. If I think I can keep my distance well enough, I've thought about asking her if she will have me back in once a month or so to talk to but am afraid she'll say no and I'll be hurt. Edited April 6, 2015 by mlee08
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