WhiteKnighter Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Hey everyone, Already made another thread, but the topic of this one is slightly different. I've had a horrible last three weeks since my GF left me (we were together for 2 years). The first week, I missed 2 days of work, could barely function, had panic attacks and almost went to the ER because I thought I couldn't breathe. It was that bad. I also made the terrible mistake of, shortly after she left me (within days), I sent her this long, LONG text message about how I was feeling, how confused I was, all the reasons it was a mistake, etc. No, I didn't beg for her back, but in the message I basically just ranted on about how she's sabotaging our relationship just like she's done with others in the past, and how if she doesn't stop it she'll never end up happy because she just runs away. I wish I never sent that. She responded saying she'd talk to me about all of it after she had time to 'process the information', because I did write a lot down. After that is when I went NC. That is, except to get some money she owed me. The second week, although not completely better, actually seemed not as bad. I didn't talk to her at all, nothing, and I even had a couple 'normal' feeling days. She was in Mexico with her girlfriends on a 5 day trip, so easy to not break contact then. However, yesterday, I went to see her. It wasn't to talk, but rather because I lost my glasses and she had my only spare set, and I've been going without them for a week so it's been terribly hard. Getting in my car to go see her, I wanted to vomit. I started feeling so sick, and when I got there (just waiting in my car for her to come down and hand them off), I thought I was having a heart attack. I didn't act happy, sad, or anything.. I was neutral, plain, and to the point. I left as soon as I could. Last night was awful... I had nightmares, I woke up in the middle of the night and called 911 because I felt like again I was having a heart attack. My chest was in pain, and I couldn't breathe. As I mentioned before, she wanted to 'talk about everything I said', and she asked last night if we could meet Wednesday to go over it all. I'm not sure what I should do here. I didn't think my reaction would be so bad... but even now I am not in the office because I feel like my body is shutting down, like I'm going to pass out. I feel ill again. However, I want to know what she has to say.... but I feel like, if I do that, i'll have another episode and want to cry for help. This is a damn helpless feeling, and I feel like a baby. But it's 100% involuntary... I can't control the reaction. She didn't seem sad at all (not that I expected her to be), but didn't ask how I was... anything... just kind of hurts. I'm not sure what to do about Wednesday, or anything else... really.
spiritofjosh Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm going to hit you with some truth. If you meet with her this week she won't need to ask how you're doing or feel like she didn't last time, because she already knows how you're feeling. She'll be able to tell just by looking at you. With how you explain you've been feeling/acting to her you'll probably look unhealthy, they always know. I've been through it and they always noticed that I lost weight, or look pale, or look like I've barely slept, etc. My advice? If you can stand it, postpone it. Tell her you're busy that day now and wait a bit to pull yourself together. Naturally it's easier said than done and I normally hate hearing advice I don't want because its one of the hardest things ever, but it may do some good. For one, you may regain some composure and look like you again and second putting your plans with her off may even get to her a little bit. You know what I mean, not being there when she wants you there, at her will. I know you want to hear what she has to say but since the breakup is still fresh she most likely won't have much good to say right now. It would be better to wait another week or two at least. You basically need to try and take control over this situation, not lose yourself at her leisure. It'll only give her more power and more opportunity to walk all over you. If you dated that long, and really loved each other, she won't forget about you if you wait a little longer to talk face to face. Real love won't just vanish within a week unless she never loved you in the first place. Worry about you for now and improve yourself before you talk. And you mentioned glasses and owed money, I really hope that's the truth and not excuses to see her . Good luck.
Author WhiteKnighter Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 I'm going to hit you with some truth. If you meet with her this week she won't need to ask how you're doing or feel like she didn't last time, because she already knows how you're feeling. She'll be able to tell just by looking at you. With how you explain you've been feeling/acting to her you'll probably look unhealthy, they always know. I've been through it and they always noticed that I lost weight, or look pale, or look like I've barely slept, etc. My advice? If you can stand it, postpone it. Tell her you're busy that day now and wait a bit to pull yourself together. Naturally it's easier said than done and I normally hate hearing advice I don't want because its one of the hardest things ever, but it may do some good. For one, you may regain some composure and look like you again and second putting your plans with her off may even get to her a little bit. You know what I mean, not being there when she wants you there, at her will. I know you want to hear what she has to say but since the breakup is still fresh she most likely won't have much good to say right now. It would be better to wait another week or two at least. You basically need to try and take control over this situation, not lose yourself at her leisure. It'll only give her more power and more opportunity to walk all over you. If you dated that long, and really loved each other, she won't forget about you if you wait a little longer to talk face to face. Real love won't just vanish within a week unless she never loved you in the first place. Worry about you for now and improve yourself before you talk. And you mentioned glasses and owed money, I really hope that's the truth and not excuses to see her . Good luck. It was 100% the truth. In fact, I didn't SEE her to get the money. The issue was that her (formerly our) dog had a big vet emergency bill and I needed to submit a claim for him. The only way I could get the paperwork through was to tell her I needed her signature so I could just do it myself. After that, no contact. Then, SHE broke NC last Saturday asking if I 'still wanted to meet or if I changed my mind'. I then told her that we could, and if she could bring my glasses. Originally, she said let's do it on Wednesday, but when I mentioned my glasses she suggested I could come grab them. I do really need them as without the vision correction I get headaches looking at my work computer. I just texted her saying I can't do Wednesday and that it will need to wait. 1
DJOkawari Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) Hey man, just relax. You're feeling really reasonably given what's happened. If she asks again just tell her that you need time apart from her to get your head on straight (that's the truth). When it is, you'll be able to interact with her again <-don't tell her that part. It'll take a long time though. I know the curiosity of "what will she say??" is getting to you but just think of what she could say...none of it is positive, all of it will hurt you, and all of it will prolong the negative feelings you have. I just can't see this being a positive interaction for you. Finally, it doesn't matter if she didn't seem sad, she'll feel the loss at some point. 2 years doesn't just evaporate like that. On the other hand, don't count on hearing about her being sad. Just relax and try to heal, she's doing the same in her own way. Finally, remember one thing: if she possibly wanted you back, she would find a way to tell you. Everything else is just more pain for you at the moment. Besides, neither of you has a grasp of what's going on right now anyway. A month from now you'll have a new perspective, two months you'll have an even clearer, newer one, and eventually you just won't care about updating your perspective. When you're emotional like you are now, every little detail will become the biggest thing. It's totally reasonable to feel like that but it's also it's just a prolonging of pain to chat it out with your ex. Sending that message was probably a mistake because it sort of implies you want to discuss something, but you really don't. I think having that "discussion" will be extremely painful and it will extend this painful period, regardless of your motive. Remember, you guys were a couple but now you're apart. In fact she made a decision that you are extremely unhappy with...I would say that at this moment rather than allies, you are enemies. Sure that sounds childish but that's the basis of the conversation...you guys are on opposite ends of a situation and both of you feel strongly about her decision. In the end, if she brings the message up again, just tell her that you sent that while you were emotional and that you don't want to talk about it. It'll save you a lot of trouble in the long run (in my humble opinion). I find that if she really has something to say it'll end up reaching you either way. Edited April 6, 2015 by DJOkawari
Author WhiteKnighter Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Hey man, just relax. You're feeling really reasonably given what's happened. If she asks again just tell her that you need time apart from her to get your head on straight (that's the truth). When it is, you'll be able to interact with her again <-don't tell her that part. It'll take a long time though. I know the curiosity of "what will she say??" is getting to you but just think of what she could say...none of it is positive, all of it will hurt you, and all of it will prolong the negative feelings you have. I just can't see this being a positive interaction for you. Finally, it doesn't matter if she didn't seem sad, she'll feel the loss at some point. 2 years doesn't just evaporate like that. On the other hand, don't count on hearing about her being sad. Just relax and try to heal, she's doing the same in her own way. Finally, remember one thing: if she possibly wanted you back, she would find a way to tell you. Everything else is just more pain for you at the moment. Besides, neither of you has a grasp of what's going on right now anyway. A month from now you'll have a new perspective, two months you'll have an even clearer, newer one, and eventually you just won't care about updating your perspective. When you're emotional like you are now, every little detail will become the biggest thing. It's totally reasonable to feel like that but it's also it's just a prolonging of pain to chat it out with your ex. Sending that message was probably a mistake because it sort of implies you want to discuss something, but you really don't. You just want more time her to talk about how special things were and maybe to convince her otherwise. I think having that discussion will be extremely painful and it will extend your healing period, regardless of your motive. Remember, you guys were a couple but now you're apart. In fact she made a decision that you are extremely unhappy with...I would say that at this moment rather than allies, you are enemies. Sure that sounds childish but that's the basis of the conversation...you guys are on opposite ends of a situation and both of you feel strongly about her decision. In the end, if she brings it up again, just tell her that you sent that while you were emotional and that you don't want to talk about it. It'll save you a lot of trouble in the long run (in my humble opinion). I don't know what I expect from a conversation at this point. Even if she said, "I want you back", I would not do it. At least, I would not do it right now. I'm still too sensitive to her, too hurt, and the pain is too fresh. The thought of seeing her made me ill.... I think that says a lot. I think, more than anything, I hope in some way a conversation would give me more information because what she told me on the day of the breakup felt like an excuse, like she wasn't telling me everything. I don't know if that's true, but I feel like I want real answers and not lies... if that is what is going on. But you're right now... right now, seeing her wouldn't help at all. I don't WANT to, at all... even getting a text from her makes me feel uneasy to be honest.
spiritofjosh Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I wasn't assuming you we're making excuses but I'm glad you weren't. I've been guilty myself of thinking "oh I left a t-shirt at her house, I'll never get a shirt to fit like that one ever again so I MUST go and get it." You know how people can be. And again good job that you postponed meeting with her. She was probably expecting you to be waiting there for her on your knees ready to cry and plead for her to come back. Not that you would but telling her you can't might make her think you may not be as big of a pushover as she thought. Just worry about you, do what you want to do when you want to do it. You'll feel better sooner than later and be ready to talk to her face to face. I know the feeling because I'm in the same boat now with my ex of now 2 weeks.
Author WhiteKnighter Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 I wasn't assuming you we're making excuses but I'm glad you weren't. I've been guilty myself of thinking "oh I left a t-shirt at her house, I'll never get a shirt to fit like that one ever again so I MUST go and get it." You know how people can be. And again good job that you postponed meeting with her. She was probably expecting you to be waiting there for her on your knees ready to cry and plead for her to come back. Not that you would but telling her you can't might make her think you may not be as big of a pushover as she thought. Just worry about you, do what you want to do when you want to do it. You'll feel better sooner than later and be ready to talk to her face to face. I know the feeling because I'm in the same boat now with my ex of now 2 weeks. Yeah I know what you mean. Thankful I have this terrible physical response that is stronger than my interest in getting answers ;o)
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 The one thing about NC is it's okay to break it if there's loose ends to tie up. And when you break it, it should only be strictly business. So, it's okay to get her signature for the vet bill and to get your glasses. Tie up those ends so you can start a true NC on her. See a doctor about those panic attacks you're having. A panic attack is a shot of adrenaline being shot into your system from an unknown stressor out of nowhere. You need to figure those out. Get on meds or even do push ups when it occurs to burn it off. 1
Author WhiteKnighter Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 The one thing about NC is it's okay to break it if there's loose ends to tie up. And when you break it, it should only be strictly business. So, it's okay to get her signature for the vet bill and to get your glasses. Tie up those ends so you can start a true NC on her. See a doctor about those panic attacks you're having. A panic attack is a shot of adrenaline being shot into your system from an unknown stressor out of nowhere. You need to figure those out. Get on meds or even do push ups when it occurs to burn it off. I see a therapist once a week for these things, they were just particularly bad last night.
BC1980 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) Wow, I'm so sorry that all of this stress if affecting you in a physical way. It sounds like you have some serious physical symptoms to your stress/anxiety. If you are calling 911, having chest pain and can't breath, still can't go into work. . . . you need some serious help. All of what you described sounds like a full blown panic attack. I believe that all of this is totally involuntary, but you might need some medication for anxiety. You need to at least be able to get up and go to work and function to some degree. I definitely would not recommend meeting up with your ex because doing so will only make things worse. You do need help to cope with this breakup, more help than we can offer. I would certainly tell your therapist about having to go to the ER and the panic attack. Honestly, meeting with your ex should be the last thing on your mind. You need to be primarily concerned with getting some help so you can cope and recover from all of this. I think that is what struck me most about your post. You are obviously struggling to keep your head above water, but your main focus is on whether or not you should see your ex. I think it just shows how out of touch with reality you are. The best thing for you would be to cut contact with and her focus on yourself. Edited April 6, 2015 by BC1980
Author WhiteKnighter Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Wow, I'm so sorry that all of this stress if affecting you in a physical way. It sounds like you have some serious physical symptoms to your stress/anxiety. If you are calling 911, having chest pain and can't breath, still can't go into work. . . . you need some serious help. All of what you described sounds like a full blown panic attack. I believe that all of this is totally involuntary, but you might need some medication for anxiety. You need to at least be able to get up and go to work and function to some degree. I definitely would not recommend meeting up with your ex because doing so will only make things worse. You do need help to cope with this breakup, more help than we can offer. I would certainly tell your therapist about having to go to the ER and the panic attack. Honestly, meeting with your ex should be the last thing on your mind. You need to be primarily concerned with getting some help so you can cope and recover from all of this. I think that is what struck me most about your post. You are obviously struggling to keep your head above water, but your main focus is on whether or not you should see your ex. I think it just shows how out of touch with reality you are. The best thing for you would be to cut contact with and her focus on yourself. I have taken medications in the past and it's not a new thing for me, it just happens to be worse right now because of what is going on. Whether or not I take medication is kind of a question for the therapist and what she thinks might be best. I hate taking meds, because in many cases they knock me out even more.
BC1980 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I have taken medications in the past and it's not a new thing for me, it just happens to be worse right now because of what is going on. Whether or not I take medication is kind of a question for the therapist and what she thinks might be best. I hate taking meds, because in many cases they knock me out even more. I understand you not wanting to take meds. I took Paxil for several years, and it made me so lethargic. I eventually tapered off of it and have been fine without it. Do you have any other coping mechanisms that you can use when you start to panic or get anxious? I had some anxiety after my breakup, but I was able to use exercise, writing, and generally just journaling/talking to myself rationally to get through it.
Author WhiteKnighter Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 I understand you not wanting to take meds. I took Paxil for several years, and it made me so lethargic. I eventually tapered off of it and have been fine without it. Do you have any other coping mechanisms that you can use when you start to panic or get anxious? I had some anxiety after my breakup, but I was able to use exercise, writing, and generally just journaling/talking to myself rationally to get through it. Paxil was the one I took, too, during college. That was about 7 years ago when I took it now... it was hard to start up because at first it made me all panic all the time... then, eventually I felt like a zombie. not tired, not weak, just emotionally numb. I SOMEHOW did amazing in school though - no idea how. Right now I just bought a project car, so I've been trying to occupy my mind with that actually.
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