Coping with gender inequality

[DannyCA]

In fact, what's more, is that I am mad at the fact that I was the one who fought hard for our relationship and yet I am the one who has now to struggle with this mourning and to fight again to find a new person. She just left me as a burden, more than likely will find another one prettier than me just by hanging out quietly and no way to sort out her own insecurities in order to maintain what we used to have. That's what I cry for.

 

As for some other differences..., well, where I live the equality in salaries is a fact. Even I got my CV rejected from places where men weren't allowed. Rapes are rare cases that should not take place, and let's face it: we hope any of you has to encounteer in such situations, which are very unlikely here.

 

I'm not criticizing women. I love women. But I'm fed up of this system we've all built of social differences, be them founded upon a false sense of alpha superiority or not.

 

You say you feel like you were the one who fought hard for the relationship, yet you're the one struggling and you think thats unfair? Everyone's been there. To talk about unfair, my ex was the one who pursued me, she talked about kids, she talked about dogs, she talked about the house, she said I love you first. Even though I loved her with all my heart, it was always obvious she loved me more. Yet, I always felt like I was struggling more post BU than her.

 

And that pissed me off, until I decided to let it not.

 

And apologies man, but where you live would happen to be an isolated location, the equality in pay where you live does not reflect the national average, which is 78 cents per the man's dollar. And that average declines when you factor in other social constructs such as race, sexual orientation, location, etc. And I agree with you that rapes should never ever take place, but you're wrong about them being rare. They happen more than you would think, it's just more rare when they're reported. On average 1 out of 4 are reported.

 

What I'm trying to get at is you need to stop harboring on the fact that women have an easier time attracting the opposite sex. It's really not this grand pro you make it out to be. I'm not really sure if you know the countless advantages you have just because you're a man. You say your fed up with the system of social differences? What would you do to change that? I get you're frustrated that she has the ability to move on easier than yourself through selection, but gender inequality is not the issue, your thought process is

 

You are mad that she has an easier time attracting partners, which means she will be having more sex than you (your own mental construction), and by using this as a coping mechanism inadvertently move on with her life and leave you in the dust. And in the end it infuriates you to think about another man touching her because she used to be yours. Humans are a very jealous species.

 

Maybe kinda?

[ASV]

You say you feel like you were the one who fought hard for the relationship, yet you're the one struggling and you think thats unfair? Everyone's been there. To talk about unfair, my ex was the one who pursued me, she talked about kids, she talked about dogs, she talked about the house, she said I love you first. Even though I loved her with all my heart, it was always obvious she loved me more. Yet, I always felt like I was struggling more post BU than her.

 

And that pissed me off, until I decided to let it not.

 

And apologies man, but where you live would happen to be an isolated location, the equality in pay where you live does not reflect the national average, which is 78 cents per the man's dollar. And that average declines when you factor in other social constructs such as race, sexual orientation, location, etc. And I agree with you that rapes should never ever take place, but you're wrong about them being rare. They happen more than you would think, it's just more rare when they're reported. On average 1 out of 4 are reported.

 

What I'm trying to get at is you need to stop harboring on the fact that women have an easier time attracting the opposite sex. It's really not this grand pro you make it out to be. I'm not really sure if you know the countless advantages you have just because you're a man. You say your fed up with the system of social differences? What would you do to change that? I get you're frustrated that she has the ability to move on easier than yourself through selection, but gender inequality is not the issue, your thought process is

 

You are mad that she has an easier time attracting partners, which means she will be having more sex than you (your own mental construction), and by using this as a coping mechanism inadvertently move on with her life and leave you in the dust. And in the end it infuriates you to think about another man touching her because she used to be yours. Humans are a very jealous species.

 

Maybe kinda?

In other words, it infuriates me that another man could touch someone who I've put so much love and effort with. And it fills me of impotence that all that effort hasn't been returned in the end. And who knows what else infuriates me.

 

Our relationship was a mutual agreement, thus it was sensible to fight for it for both sides. I was the only one who did so in the end, when things got harder. Still she cut all ties, got free from me and, here you have another mental construction, is doing better than with me since she hasn't contacted me yet.

 

Mine is a story of self-loathing for not being enough, to be honest. How could she dump me if wasn't for that. But still I loved her profoundly and we enjoyed each other a lot. What worries me the most is that, given the fact that selection's on her side, she has realized that there's a much more easy way for her to get into much more fruitful relationships whereas I, too ****ing bad, am here fighting with my inner demons in order to even consider dating an okayish girl (be it physically or mentally).

[elaine567]

Seems to me some men have a preoccupation with hot busty women with tight bodies, who can have their pick of dates, whereas in reality there are many women out there who cannot find a date, whose in boxes are full of sleazy guys wanting "sexy pics" and guys who just want hook ups.

There are millions of women out there, who most men would see as "hot" too.

Woman who can find first dates but no second dates, women who feel pressurised to give it up on date 1-2, to find when they do, their oh so "nice" guy disappears in a puff of smoke.

So yes, whilst I agree if anyone is not that fussy, it is easy to find sex, it is easy to attract a man with a d*ck, but for average women it is no easier to find a real man to actually date, than it is for the average men to find a good woman.

[DannyCA]

In other words, it infuriates me that another man could touch someone who I've put so much love and effort with. And it fills me of impotence that all that effort hasn't been returned in the end. And who knows what else infuriates me.

 

Our relationship was a mutual agreement, thus it was sensible to fight for it for both sides. I was the only one who did so in the end, when things got harder. Still she cut all ties, got free from me and, here you have another mental construction, is doing better than with me since she hasn't contacted me yet.

 

Mine is a story of self-loathing for not being enough, to be honest. How could she dump me if wasn't for that. But still I loved her profoundly and we enjoyed each other a lot. What worries me the most is that, given the fact that selection's on her side, she has realized that there's a much more easy way for her to get into much more fruitful relationships whereas I, too ****ing bad, am here fighting with my inner demons in order to even consider dating an okayish girl (be it physically or mentally).

 

You said in another thread that you can't center on being a better self without the approval of a gorgeous woman. That dependency is really screwing with you. I said before and I'll say it again. Check out Viktor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, it's an awesome book! I think it would really help you with grasping the idea of working on yourself.

 

You said it infuriates you that someone could touch someone you have put so much love and effort in. You're talking about her like she was an object that belonged to you. You said yourself, the relationship was mutual, but the thing is, it has to stay mutual. If one person wants out, you can't force them to want to stay, no matter how much you might love them. If the tables were turned and you were the one who wanted out, would you listen to her if she was begging and whining to get you back?

 

I'm not really sure what else I can say...I think you got to focus on yourself a lot more and realize that you need to stop worrying about her or how "good" women have it in the dating aspect of things.

 

Check out this Joe Rogan clip, I think most of what he says relates to you.

 

[elaine567]

Check out this Joe Rogan clip, I think most of what he says relates to you.

 

 

Great video

[Jonp219]

Check out this Joe Rogan clip, I think most of what he says relates to you.

 

 

I understand what he means and its lesson we have to force on ouraelves, unfortunately.

 

However, I don't believe that form of thinking is natural in regards to your own significant other. Despite what you may want for your partner, YOUR presence didn't make this person happy. A normal person will begin to believe that they're not capable of making anyones face light up with glee when they see you.

 

These are quotes I started saying to myself post break up:

 

"She's my soulmate, but not hers? So there's someone out there for her, but not for me? God is one cruel mythical creature"

 

"Someone I spent 4 years with all of a sudden decides I don't make them happy? But, all I ever wanted was to make YOU happy"

 

Then what if you ex gets married and has a family, but then you never get a chance to have that for yourself because you didn't find any compatible to you? (I see this all the time) You know we say, " find happiness within yourself". But how come that only applies when NOBODY wants to find happiness with you? I understand it but sometimes it seems like a defense mechanism for when **** goes wrong. Kind of like how I only pray to God when life is going wrong.

 

I like Joe and I watch his podcast alot but I doubt we would say any of that if his wife of over decade decided to call it quits with him.

 

I don't hold grudges but I would never stay in contact with an ex despite years or decades passing. I don't believe in friends after love, sounds ridiculous to me.

 

Whenever an ex hits me up to say hi, I just say "who's this?" Lol

 

Ugh I'm sorry I feel really bitter right now for some reason lol smh

Edited April 9, 2015 by Jonp219

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Another interesting thought is, would you prefer to be a woman?

 

Yeah, right. Didn't think so.

 

 

No. But I find that thinking about how my life would be different if I had been dealt a different hand very intriguing. You can bask in the "if only"s to pity yourself and make excuses for why you haven't met your goals. Or, you can look at your strengths and qualities you would lose if you were to reshuffle the deck.

 

 

I'm assuming you skipped over my post about women not necessarily having it better in this department...

[dvx]

I blame everything on social media.

 

Social media has ****ed my head up and destroyed both of my relationships. And God curse the multi-millionaires behind instagram, Facebook, snapchat.

 

Where is the time 20 years ago before internet? Man i wish i was an adult in that era and would of had a great wife by now. One that is not active on social media. One that does not seek or give attention to drooling-worthless-disgusting-hungry-guys. One that has self respect and appreciates the man and respects the man she is with and never ever looks another mans way.

 

Social media makes it more possible for people to cheat and do stuff behind closed doors hiding from their partners. No matter how good partner you have, once they get tempted by someone via instagram or Facebook, there is nothing you can do to stop them. And you will probably find out about it when it's too late.

 

A girl dumps her boyfriend, of course she gets over the relationship faster then the one she dumped, why? Because she just reaches out to her hundreds of Facebook friends (mostly thirsty guys) or thousands of instagram followers and just picks a new guy to date. She just looks at her hundreds of options and makes her new choice.

[fireflywy]

I blame everything on social media.

 

Social media has ****ed my head up and destroyed both of my relationships. And God curse the multi-millionaires behind instagram, Facebook, snapchat.

 

Where is the time 20 years ago before internet? Man i wish i was an adult in that era and would of had a great wife by now. One that is not active on social media. One that does not seek or give attention to drooling-worthless-disgusting-hungry-guys. One that has self respect and appreciates the man and respects the man she is with and never ever looks another mans way.

 

Social media makes it more possible for people to cheat and do stuff behind closed doors hiding from their partners. No matter how good partner you have, once they get tempted by someone via instagram or Facebook, there is nothing you can do to stop them. And you will probably find out about it when it's too late.

 

A girl dumps her boyfriend, of course she gets over the relationship faster then the one she dumped, why? Because she just reaches out to her hundreds of Facebook friends (mostly thirsty guys) or thousands of instagram followers and just picks a new guy to date. She just looks at her hundreds of options and makes her new choice.

 

And this is EXACTLY why so many men are now going on strike. There is a reason why not only do we have a marriage gap, but an increasing CHILD gap as well.

[dvx]

And I'm pissed as hell. Im hooked on my thug life mood. **** the world and **** this society, **** my exes and **** everyone that doesn't know how to stay loyal, truthful and honest. Loyalty is priceless, you can't buy that. Nor can you find it these days. It's becoming more rare for each day that passes.

 

Now I got my tupac pic up and if anyone has a problem with that, come the **** at me brahs.

 

And if any of you are feeling sad and worthless, bump some legendary Tupac, that's where you will hear some good old truth from the good old days.

 

"Get my weight up with my hate and pay em back when I'm bigger"

 

And screw all these thirsty hoes fishing for likes on social media posting revealing photos of their bodies. A real woman would have respect for her body and keep it as a sacred temple for the love of her life. Not to have it open like a damn public toilet for everyone to come and take a **** in.

 

If i can't fckign find an honest girl that will take each second of her life to give her fullest to make me happy and give me the attention i deserve, not to the 50 thirsty slags on social media, then i rather will die alone.

 

God bless and good night from the other side of the atlantic.

[darkbloom]

I blame everything on social media.

 

Social media has ****ed my head up and destroyed both of my relationships. And God curse the multi-millionaires behind instagram, Facebook, snapchat.

 

Where is the time 20 years ago before internet? Man i wish i was an adult in that era and would of had a great wife by now. One that is not active on social media. One that does not seek or give attention to drooling-worthless-disgusting-hungry-guys. One that has self respect and appreciates the man and respects the man she is with and never ever looks another mans way.

 

Social media makes it more possible for people to cheat and do stuff behind closed doors hiding from their partners. No matter how good partner you have, once they get tempted by someone via instagram or Facebook, there is nothing you can do to stop them. And you will probably find out about it when it's too late.

 

A girl dumps her boyfriend, of course she gets over the relationship faster then the one she dumped, why? Because she just reaches out to her hundreds of Facebook friends (mostly thirsty guys) or thousands of instagram followers and just picks a new guy to date. She just looks at her hundreds of options and makes her new choice.

 

YASSSSSSSS. At the profile picture. I feel like I should put mine back so that we can be twins.

[Jonp219]

I ****s with Tupac lol

 

But if anything I think social media has made it easier to detect the thirsty hoes.

[DannyCA]

I understand what he means and its lesson we have to force on ouraelves, unfortunately.

 

However, I don't believe that form of thinking is natural in regards to your own significant other. Despite what you may want for your partner, YOUR presence didn't make this person happy. A normal person will begin to believe that they're not capable of making anyones face light up with glee when they see you.

 

These are quotes I started saying to myself post break up:

 

"She's my soulmate, but not hers? So there's someone out there for her, but not for me? God is one cruel mythical creature"

 

"Someone I spent 4 years with all of a sudden decides I don't make them happy? But, all I ever wanted was to make YOU happy"

 

Then what if you ex gets married and has a family, but then you never get a chance to have that for yourself because you didn't find any compatible to you? (I see this all the time) You know we say, " find happiness within yourself". But how come that only applies when NOBODY wants to find happiness with you? I understand it but sometimes it seems like a defense mechanism for when **** goes wrong. Kind of like how I only pray to God when life is going wrong.

 

I like Joe and I watch his podcast alot but I doubt we would say any of that if his wife of over decade decided to call it quits with him.

 

I don't hold grudges but I would never stay in contact with an ex despite years or decades passing. I don't believe in friends after love, sounds ridiculous to me.

 

Whenever an ex hits me up to say hi, I just say "who's this?" Lol

 

Ugh I'm sorry I feel really bitter right now for some reason lol smh

 

I understand what you are saying, the anger and resentment is most definitely there because the break up is still fresh. But I have to disagree that being happy is a "defense mechanism". That is the furthest thing from the truth. Dude if you could had spoken to me 2 years ago after my breakup, you would have wondered what in the holy f*** is wrong with this guy? Lol.

 

You know why people only ever seem to want to find happiness within themselves when nobody wants them? It's because they are not happy with themselves. They need the validation of another person. They need someone to acknowledge them daily so they feel valued, loved, like they matter. If you were truly happy with the kind of person you are, if you're happy with the life you have made, you wouldn't be trying all of these tactics to get your ex back while openly looking for a new partner to fill the empty void within yourself that you continue to let be within yourself.

 

One of your quotes you repeat to yourself is "Someone I spent 4 years with all of a sudden decides I don't make them happy? But, all I ever wanted was to make YOU happy"?

 

Sorry man but that is pretty damn stupid thing to say. You say that in a way to devalue yourself because you're down. You act like her wanting to leave was all your fault. Well if we're honest, you were part of the reason she wanted to leave, but you were only one part of it, it wasn't all your fault. You wanting to make her happy is a beautiful and selfless trait, I respect that plenty my man. It is only because of her own shortcomings that she couldn't realize you were a good man.

 

After my ex left me, and I started casually seeing girls and even dating L, I realized I needed to cut that out because I wasn't ok with using these women to fill the void C left within me. That emptiness was something I had to deal with on my own.

 

So dude shake those negative thoughts and quotes. I'll raise you some better ones (as silly as that might sound right now because you're still a tad bitter about the BU)

 

"No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden."

 

"One could make a victory of those experiences, turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate"

 

"Man's search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life and not a secondary rationalization of instinctual drives. This meaning is unique and specific in that it must and can be fulfilled by him alone; only then does it achieve a significance which will satisfy his own will to meaning (or happiness)."

[Jonp219]

I understand what you are saying, the anger and resentment is most definitely there because the break up is still fresh. But I have to disagree that being happy is a "defense mechanism". That is the furthest thing from the truth. Dude if you could had spoken to me 2 years ago after my breakup, you would have wondered what in the holy f*** is wrong with this guy? Lol.

 

You know why people only ever seem to want to find happiness within themselves when nobody wants them? It's because they are not happy with themselves. They need the validation of another person. They need someone to acknowledge them daily so they feel valued, loved, like they matter. If you were truly happy with the kind of person you are, if you're happy with the life you have made, you wouldn't be trying all of these tactics to get your ex back while openly looking for a new partner to fill the empty void within yourself that you continue to let be within yourself.

 

One of your quotes you repeat to yourself is "Someone I spent 4 years with all of a sudden decides I don't make them happy? But, all I ever wanted was to make YOU happy"?

 

Sorry man but that is pretty damn stupid thing to say. You say that in a way to devalue yourself because you're down. You act like her wanting to leave was all your fault. Well if we're honest, you were part of the reason she wanted to leave, but you were only one part of it, it wasn't all your fault. You wanting to make her happy is a beautiful and selfless trait, I respect that plenty my man. It is only because of her own shortcomings that she couldn't realize you were a good man.

 

After my ex left me, and I started casually seeing girls and even dating L, I realized I needed to cut that out because I wasn't ok with using these women to fill the void C left within me. That emptiness was something I had to deal with on my own.

 

So dude shake those negative thoughts and quotes. I'll raise you some better ones (as silly as that might sound right now because you're still a tad bitter about the BU)

 

"No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden."

 

"One could make a victory of those experiences, turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate"

 

"Man's search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life and not a secondary rationalization of instinctual drives. This meaning is unique and specific in that it must and can be fulfilled by him alone; only then does it achieve a significance which will satisfy his own will to meaning (or happiness)."

 

You're right, I am bitter. But no, I'm not not trying to get my ex back, that ship has sailed away, and only way I'll get in contact with her is if she contacts me. Last time I broke NC I felt a bit of, "Uh yeah, why are you talking to me" vibe coming from her end, and that **** just shattered me man.

 

There's a lot of guilt within me regarding the reasoning behind the break up. I was a very angry and insecure dude when we were together, and it finally drove her away. I simply wasn't the greatest boyfriend I knew I could be. She was a great girl, she wasn't perfect, but she was loyal and I always questioned her due to my underlying belief of just not being good enough for anyone. I literally scared her away. I think now you can see why I'm so hard on myself. I simply didn't put enough effort into my previous relationship. I was too scared to give her too much, and I was too scared to give her too little. It almost feels like something that I will never be able to let down. I treated her like ****.

 

Honestly, I don't want anything to do with females at the moment, hell I don't even want to have sex with anyone. I'm more focused on trying to get my mind right, but I can't help but to think about her on days like this. It almost feels like she was never here, but yet i have a repressed memory of someone who became close to me and hurt me deeply. Almost like the whole thing was an illusion that I made up in my mind, it's so sad. Its sad to know this is where relationships go to die.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

 

Honestly, I don't want anything to do with females at the moment, hell I don't even want to have sex with anyone. I'm more focused on trying to get my mind right, but I can't help but to think about her on days like this. It almost feels like she was never here, but yet i have a repressed memory of someone who became close to me and hurt me deeply. Almost like the whole thing was an illusion that I made up in my mind, it's so sad. Its sad to know this is where relationships go to die.

 

You've already made giant leaps of progress in recovery. This quote alone shows how far you've come. Eventually that repressed memory of someone hurting you will turn into a memory of a person who you enjoyed spending time with, yet do not want in your life. Sure you'll have bad days here and there but you're in the right mindset.

[Jonp219]

You've already made giant leaps of progress in recovery. This quote alone shows how far you've come. Eventually that repressed memory of someone hurting you will turn into a memory of a person who you enjoyed spending time with, yet do not want in your life. Sure you'll have bad days here and there but you're in the right mindset.

 

I'm just tired of waking up hating myself for what happened, you know? It was a bad break-up, but I did tell her I was going to attend therapy for my problems, and I am. However, I learned my lesson from breaking NC a little over 2 weeks ago, and I'm not going to do it again. The rest is up to her but I know she's going to be angry with me for a while, after all what exactly is 2 months?

 

Either way, I love her still but I understand feeling better is what's most important right now and that's the goal I'm sticking to...