Ronnie33 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 What do you think is the hardest part to accept once it's over? Besides the missing the person Is it the fact that you sacrificed your moral and self respect for nothing? Is it the loss of self esteem? Is is that the other person didn't love you enough to chose you? Is it because you can't believe how weak you became that you allowed this person to consume your life? I think for me it's all the above but the one that hurts the most is the first. I always prided myself on being the most loyal person there is and now I can't say that anymore and that hurts bad. There is a quote from the book "Into the Wild" that hit me more then any other quote I have heard. It said "I am going to walk myself back to the girl my mother raised" I feel like the next few months are going to be the biggest journey of my life back to who I was and I so much more then anything want to be that girl again. Anyway just venting and thinking.
spiderowl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I think you hit the nail on the had there Ronnie with the list you made. The quote is amazing too. I shall remember that one. The thing I missed most was that close friendship, the physical relationship of course, and feeling special to someone. Due to the increasing world population and globalisation, there is so much competition in all spheres of life these days that there a few opportunities to feel special. Romance is a sphere in which you can be. 2
carhill Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I recall, in MC, opining that, in part, my A disrespected the good name of the parents who gave me every positive role model a man could want in life. Hence, your quote about the woman walking back to the girl her mother raised rang true with my personal experience. Nothing in life is perfect and, yup, failure is part of living. The good news is, if we're fortunate, life goes on, bringing new opportunities, joys and challenges. 2
Author Ronnie33 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 I recall, in MC, opining that, in part, my A disrespected the good name of the parents who gave me every positive role model a man could want in life. Hence, your quote about the woman walking back to the girl her mother raised rang true with my personal experience. Nothing in life is perfect and, yup, failure is part of living. The good news is, if we're fortunate, life goes on, bringing new opportunities, joys and challenges. That's one of the hardest parts, my parens are the best and strongest people I know. They raised me to be this strong woman and I feel like I let this affair took away that woman. My mother is my bestfriend and I tell her everything but this is the one thing I could never tell her. She would be so sad and disappointed in me. I hope I can make her and myself proud again one day and get back to that woman she raised.
Blu72 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Ronnie, You can't beat yourself up over and over for this mistake. Well, wait - yes you can and in some way we all should for our part in the affairs. But you can't loathe yourself to the point of little existence. It's easy to do - I do it all the time. But the one thing you have that I haven't been able to muster up is the strength to finally let it go. You continue to stay strong and work on yourself for yourself and no one else. I'm sad that you are in pain, but I am confident that thru that pain comes clarity and you will get there. Thanks for sharing your story with us and we are rooting for you. 1
Author Ronnie33 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Ronnie, You can't beat yourself up over and over for this mistake. Well, wait - yes you can and in some way we all should for our part in the affairs. But you can't loathe yourself to the point of little existence. It's easy to do - I do it all the time. But the one thing you have that I haven't been able to muster up is the strength to finally let it go. You continue to stay strong and work on yourself for yourself and no one else. I'm sad that you are in pain, but I am confident that thru that pain comes clarity and you will get there. Thanks for sharing your story with us and we are rooting for you. Thanks Blu, I'm just so mad at myself allowing it to go on, especially this last 6 months when it was so obvious it wasn't going anywhere any longer. All because I was scared to lose him but I'm starting to realize that it was the feeling I didn't want to lose and not so much him. I do love him but it was more about me and how broken I feel then him. Let go of him Blu, the only thing holding you back is fear of the pain but that's also the only way to get through it. 1
autumnnight Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Ronnie, I am sorry you are hurting. Right or wrong endings hurt. Our situations are very different, but I could feel so much of my own pain in some of what you wrote. I was actually the one cheated on (and then not chosen). But it hurts from both sides. When you love someone SO much and really envision a life with them and then Nope. Done. They go on and you are just...empty and bereft. It SUCKS Our journeys are not exactly the same, but I am taking one too right now. I think we can both do it 2
GoldieLox Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Your list covers it. It feels like after everything was said and done, I don't know myself anymore. I can pick out bits and pieces, but I look in the mirror and think, "What the hell just happened in the past year". I feel lost in every aspect of my life. Then he just wanders on back to his perfectly wonderful life, not knowing nor caring the role he has played in the damage. Everything is always one-sided. 1
Author Ronnie33 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Ronnie, I am sorry you are hurting. Right or wrong endings hurt. Our situations are very different, but I could feel so much of my own pain in some of what you wrote. I was actually the one cheated on (and then not chosen). But it hurts from both sides. When you love someone SO much and really envision a life with them and then Nope. Done. They go on and you are just...empty and bereft. It SUCKS Our journeys are not exactly the same, but I am taking one too right now. I think we can both do it I am so sorry you are going thru this too. We may have gotten here differently but it still hurts the same. That feeling of rejection and loneliness hurts so much. I hope we both walk through this and come out the other side better then we went in. 1
Author Ronnie33 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Your list covers it. It feels like after everything was said and done, I don't know myself anymore. I can pick out bits and pieces, but I look in the mirror and think, "What the hell just happened in the past year". I feel lost in every aspect of my life. Then he just wanders on back to his perfectly wonderful life, not knowing nor caring the role he has played in the damage. Everything is always one-sided. An affair changes you forever. I was so naive before this and now I feel likes different person. I feel like an innocence was stripped away from me and now I look at relationships through different eyes. My AP gets to marry the woman he loves after being with me the whole time they were together. I know he loved me but at the end of the day he loved her more and now I'm left to put all the broken pieces of who I am back together while he goes on.
GoldieLox Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 An affair changes you forever. I was so naive before this and now I feel likes different person. I feel like an innocence was stripped away from me and now I look at relationships through different eyes. My AP gets to marry the woman he loves after being with me the whole time they were together. I know he loved me but at the end of the day he loved her more and now I'm left to put all the broken pieces of who I am back together while he goes on. I know what you're feeling. I also feel like a part of me is missing now. I look at myself differently, other people differently. I think I look at the world differently. I feel like I don't know myself anymore, and it's the worst feeling ever. Realistically, I know that's bulls&%t. I know what kind of person I am and the qualities I possess. But at the same time, it's hard not to feel so lost after doing the one thing I swore I said I'd never do. Not to feel so lost after being hurt by someone I decided to trust (even though I'm the kind of person who doesn't trust people). I don't know what to feel anymore.
Grilled_Salmon Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Personally, I found No. 1, 2 and 4 to be the worst - and that's coming from someone who's still single. No. 3 doesn't strike me much, mostly because I've just gotten too used to being rejected; it's literally the first thing I expect should I ever be attracted/interested in anyone. One particular person I loved a lot, way back in my senior year of high school. We had the same hobbies, same sense of humor, hanged around a lot together and heck, even went to the same elementary/primary school (though didn't know each other during then). She was beautiful, smart, cheerful, helpful and possibly one of the nicest girls I ever met and was close with. Little did I know though that was all just a facade and she thought of me as little more than just a playful tool that can be manipulated to do and get whatever she wanted. Not to mention she was apparently infamous for being just that, among other nasty kinds of stuff. Result is I grew more and more distant from my school mates, and when I finally got the guts to confess my feelings to her, she took it as a 'betrayal' and backstabbed me in a way that to this day, still haunts me. When I then started university/college, I realized I was that weak - in high school, it was her fake motivating that drove me to do my best, but once the 'friendship' was shattered, my academic performance took a serious dip. Needless to say, I blamed myself fully for falling for the wrong person and remained a mess of myself for a very long time. It wouldn't be until at least 2014 when I gradually got over it. Gradually.
Lion Heart Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Thanks Blu, I'm just so mad at myself allowing it to go on, especially this last 6 months when it was so obvious it wasn't going anywhere any longer. All because I was scared to lose him but I'm starting to realize that it was the feeling I didn't want to lose and not so much him. I do love him but it was more about me and how broken I feel then him. Let go of him Blu, the only thing holding you back is fear of the pain but that's also the only way to get through it. Girls & others I even question putting even MORE guilt on yourselves by some things mentioned here. Ofcourse we want to make others proud of us, maybe. For me it's only myself, my SO & children in my case - couldn't give rats a$$ what OP think. Ronnies list above is relevant to her but means nothing to me. To me alot of discussion is about other people's opinion of us, No! It's your feelings about yourSELF that is paramount here. My psych friends favourite saying - ok ONE of them is "guilt and shame are useless emotions, they only serve to bring you down". It's not "bringing down" you want and desperately need, it's EMPOWERMENT. To rise above situations you know are not good for YOU. RONNIE in your post above you say you didn't want to "lose him" IMHO I've known all my adult life that an AP NEVER "had him TO lose in the VERY FIRST INSTANCE". It's about YOUR self esteem more than anything. You are worth FAR more than "part of a man". If you truly and honestly WANT a fulfilling relationship, then being an AP is not it. A MM or MW can be completely "fulfilled" with 2 partners I guess. But at BEST you are only gonna get 5-10% of them. No! Not enough for you. It's always gonna be wrought with ALL SORTS of negative emotions for you. And to be blatant why be the person getting the sh** end of the stick? It's not "love" or anything else you think it is. You are merely part of a fantasy. It's sad and sick of the MM / MW to use you. Just don't allow yourself to be used. ^^^^^ THIS is why I've never been someone's AP. I've had loads of opportunities but I want a person 100%. If they're already attached to their SO then there's no point in it FOR ME. NOR YOU. When I know someone is in a relationship, then it's a boundary I will never cross. I WANT MORE than that from my SO. I listened to the sheer heartbreak of my WH OW and at 55yo, this OW (I found out later) had been a serial OW. Obviously she just didn't get it. The MM was in it for HIM SELF. Not her. My WH couldn't have cared any LESS for her. I spent hours on MY D Day COUNSELLING HER! She thought SHE was as devastated as ME! H*** COW. NO idea. Absolutely it was my WH fault entirely but she allowed it? Why? Because she believed ANYTHING that came out of a MM mouth? Crazy. Do it for yourself only because you deserve better. Lion Heart.
minimariah Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 for me? the fact that your X is the same kind, sweet, amazing person you fell in love with and that his only fault was not loving you like you loved him, not being his The One. it's even harder when you see them adoring, loving & being amazing partners and doing everything they never did with (for) you... with someone else.
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