bubblygrl5 Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 I've been reading some posts from some ppl who are in new relationships and seem SOOO happy - and it's made me realize I'm stuck in a horrible, self-destructive cycle! Well, I've sorta been realizing this, so at least the denial is over... Anyway, long story short - been with bf 3 yrs, he cheated on me when he went to Europe for the summer almost 2 yrs ago. Bunch of ppl knew...nobody told me. He initially denied it, but finally fessed up. Well, I was 22 (or was I 23?) at the time, I THOUGHT I could get over it. 2 yrs. later - I'm super attached, but I'm frustrated NOW cause it was a shi**y thing to do to me...and the additional 2 yrs makes it all the more hard to let this relationship go. Not cause I feel like it would be a waste of time...but cause I really DO care for him. To make matters worse, I snooped and checked his email, and I cringe thinking about it, but I read all the gory details, and emails to girls saying "I had a wonderful time in Italy...lets meet up again in Copenhagen" or whatever. Ugh. And then I'd see one to me "Baby, I love you SOOO much, Europe would be perfect if it wasn't missing you". And then one from a girl telling him he was her dreamboy! Dreamboy?!?! Yea, right. I did come clean about snooping - so he knows what I DO know. And no, he never tried to turn the tables on me for invading his privacy. For some reason I can study for an exam all night and not be able to memorize things, but I can read an email like once, and memorize every word! I do believe ppl reform after cheating...ppl who don't know our "past" see us walk into a room and tell us our babies will be beautiful, or that he looks at me so lovingly, and how we look like we adore each other, or look SO in love. It's rare he comes to my house empty handed - soemthing during the day ALWAYS reminds him of me, and he brings it for me. He wears a wedding band and tells ppl I am his wife, and he tells me in private that he hopes one day I will be. It's just VERY hard to sort out my feelings. On the one hand - for 2 yrs. he's been an angel....but his actions in Europe were anything BUT angelic! Lately, I've been on edge. He asks me what has changed. He says "I feel like you don't love me as much anymore, but that's okay, I love you enough for us both." Okay...real healthy, right? I can't say what ONE thing has changed....I guess maybe I have changed... I'm going to Europe this summer to travel and vacation and buy some designer handbags!!! Is this one of those "run and never look back" situations? And is it as unhealthy as I think it is? I'm so deep into it...I can't really see it objectively. Thanks! Bubbly!
prisoner Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 i think the most disturbing thing i read was the wedding band thing. i am not sure that the two of you are honestly sharing and you are using something to hide the angst you are feeling. it is very brave to forgive a cheater. ahd you had the 'talk' before he left? what would he do if you cheated on him? are those emails recent? i am trying to explain that you are flitting back and forth between wondering if there is something better out there and thinking what you have is the greatest. the point is if it were so great you would not have to worry. IMO go to Europe. see how you feel when you get back. a good long break might give you the objectivity you mention.
neptoon Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 I agree with prisoner's advice: take a break and give yourself some space to think. Maybe deep down inside, you do not love him. When we're with our SO's long enough, we sometimes trick ourselves into really believing that we love them when we have absolutely no intention of spending the rest of our lives with that person. You should ask yourself if you're there because you love him or if it's because you're afraid of being alone. It kind of sounds like your subconscious is searching for a reason to leave the relationship. Just out of curiosity: have you developed an interest in someone else? EDIT: spelling.
ttjames Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Are you two still going to be together while you're in europe? For some reason .. it sounds like you're going to europe to do the same thing he did.
Author bubblygrl5 Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by ttjames Are you two still going to be together while you're in europe? For some reason .. it sounds like you're going to europe to do the same thing he did. No, we're not goign to be together. Initially, I had asked him to join me on the trip. It wasn't about a "being-single" thing. And then I found the emails - which made everythign THAT much harder to deal with. So, I told him I needed a break. The thought of being with HIM in the places in which he cheated on me was too much, so I told him I wanted to be on my own to sort myself out. I mean, at this point who knows if I'll do anything. All I know is that I am just going to do whatever feels right. If that means realizing I'm madly in love with him and running home to him, I will...or if it means moving on, I'll do that too. Bubbly
Author bubblygrl5 Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by neptoon I agree with prisoner's advice: take a break and give yourself some space to think. Maybe deep down inside, you do not love him. When we're with our SO's long enough, we sometimes trick ourselves into really believing that we love them when we have absolutely no intention of spending the rest of our lives with that person. You should ask yourself if you're there because you love him or if it's because you're afraid of being alone. It kind of sounds like your subconscious is searching for a reason to leave the relationship. Just out of curiosity: have you developed an interest in someone else? EDIT: spelling. Nope...definitely am not interested in anyone else at the moment. Even if we were to break up tomorrow, this was so intense...it feels like it would take me years to even want to fall in love with someone again. You're right...sometimes I think I am subconsciously finding reasons to leave. It's like I keep digging up new dirt hoping THIS will be the thing that breaks it off. I couldn't marry him right now - I know I would only be half satisfied.... Bubbly
Author bubblygrl5 Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner i think the most disturbing thing i read was the wedding band thing. i am not sure that the two of you are honestly sharing and you are using something to hide the angst you are feeling. it is very brave to forgive a cheater. ahd you had the 'talk' before he left? what would he do if you cheated on him? are those emails recent? i am trying to explain that you are flitting back and forth between wondering if there is something better out there and thinking what you have is the greatest. the point is if it were so great you would not have to worry. IMO go to Europe. see how you feel when you get back. a good long break might give you the objectivity you mention. About the wedding band...well, its not as if he went out and bought one. He had a couple guy-ish rings at home...one happens to fit that finger (and sort of resemble a wedding band) and he wears that one. I'm not sure if it was brave to forgive - maybe more idealistic? Anywya, we definitely had that "talk." In fact, he called me almost daily, or sent me an email at least , to reaffirm he was being faithful. I was really taken for a ride. The emails are not recent. They are from that summer, or a month or 2 after. All while we were broken up. And once we got back into contact, he had no correspondence with anyone from there. I think you're right. Somedays I think he's a doll, and somedays...I don't. But I guess all I can do is walk away from this for a while at least, and see how I feel. Obviously, it's difficult to make any sort of decision while being so close to it. Bubbly
GirlDown Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by bubblygrl5 I'm going to Europe this summer to travel and vacation and buy some designer handbags!!! Is this one of those "run and never look back" situations? And is it as unhealthy as I think it is? I'm so deep into it...I can't really see it objectively. YES!!!! and no it is not unhealthy...but you know how i feel about it, so i won't go into detail... you're gonna love it love it love it and get over him over him over him!
Author bubblygrl5 Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown YES!!!! and no it is not unhealthy...but you know how i feel about it, so i won't go into detail... you're gonna love it love it love it and get over him over him over him! Haha...I'm totally laughing right now. You know how sometimes you know the answer, but you keep asking the question anyway??? Anywho...thanks girl. I'm gonna look forward to good wine, hairy men, and gondolas.
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