Are people who engage in poly/fwb situations commitment phobes?

[loveweary11]

Adding to Jen's post...

 

The most important things in a monogamous or poly relationship are honesty and respect.

 

My ex wife and I were in what we called an open marriage.

 

Really, she just a wanted another female to join us. As she always joked... "less work for her." ha ha

 

We never did find the right one, but I've poly dated and poly hung out before. It's actually a lot of fun because the dynamic is more variable and lively.

[Hopeful30]

I wouldn't say so. A friend of mine met her (now) husband via being fwb first.

[markleymassraff]

I might be one of these degenerate people of which you speak.

 

Actually, here are the various set-ups I could go for in my life.

 

1) Absolute commitment and monogamy with one male with whom I am head over heels in love and vice versa. I like a guy now (and had sex with him several times) who I would love to have this with. It ain't happening though. He's too messed up, and even if he weren't, he probably wouldn't choose me to do this with.

 

2) I wouldn't mind having one permanent and consistent FWB who I see often, like at least once a week. If he sees other people, that's fine, but just don't talk to me about it. Act pretty close to like we are a couple...while we are together.

 

3) 3-4 different FWBs that I pretty much rotate. But they are all consistent in seeing me (and I see at least one of them per week), don't talk to me or let me have any exposure to anyone else they are seeing, and treat me like a girlfriend while we are around each other.

 

I don't like the idea of "polyamory" the way I usually see it structured. That is, there is a main couple who each sees other people either with or without a "don't ask don't tell" policy.

 

I guess I'm more attracted to FWB than I am polyamory.

[CarrieT]

Polygamy is totally different from sleeping around, open relationships, etc. Many people misuse this term.

 

I have a friend who has been in a committed 3-person relationship for about two years.

Totally concur with this.

 

I actually have a friend who has been in a committed, 4-person relationship for TWENTY+ years. Yep: Two couples who met in a swinging group have been living together as a poly relationship for over two decades. And they are all very, very happy...

 

Totally different concept than being a person who just sleeps around or has lots of FWB.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Personally, I think people are much more likely to have a fully capable and fulfilling, successful monogamous relationship once they've learned through experience what works for them, what kind of person is compatible in a relationship for them, and most importantly actually growing up into an adult.

 

Too many people imagine/conjure up images of a monogamous relationship through entirely idealistic views and expectations, and think they are the end all be all of life and happiness...when in reality, they are far from it, if not an added life stress and rigorous learning experience which leaves many scars but also memories.

 

People need to realize that there's a lot of self work that you need to do to even be prepared for such an endeavor, something that would let's say, last forever...and why people think that there's this inherent capability that they have what it takes, that makes them ready and prepared to have a monogamous relationship by default from a young age, in which it will last forever is beyond me...a gross lack of wisdom, insight and experience.

 

Most relationships before 23 aren't going to last. Most relationships before 25 or 26 are had before you are even an independent self-aware adult (not just speaking financially) but emotionally and mentally...but by 26 you are just not that experienced in life. By your late 20's or early 30's, you've finally and are barely putting together the real pieces of life through what you've experienced thus far and finding yourself as a true person, not the pieces that you thought were life...the things you thought were important in the past and the way you might have looked at love and relationships.

 

In short, you're going to go through a lot of changes and growing up in life, you're going to learn a lot about yourself and others by having some kind of relationships with the opposite sex...whether it be FWB, relationships or even marriage, and you're going to discover in the end that you didn't know as much about love as you thought you did at the end of the road. And this is a lot easier for those to understand and accept who have been through the rollercoaster of love than those who are still in that relationship from the very beginning at a young age, this is something that they cannot understand because they have not experienced it with different people, they lack perspective.

 

Take your time with monogamy, don't worry about the labels and trying not to go on the wrong side of the fence where society is going to label you...because I know how people are, they do a lot of crap just out of mere acceptance, if no one was watching and there were no judgments to be made...people would be living their lives a lot differently than the way they feel they have to.

 

Nobody wants to be labeled the "commitment phobe", but maybe, just maybe your instincts are telling you something very rational and practical that applies to most if not all people deep within themselves...and that is that you've got a lot of work to do on yourself and you're not completely adequate and prepared for a monogamous relationship that is not going to fix you, or all your problems, or even fill that void you so desperately want fulfilled...maybe waiting for the actual right person and discovering who you truly are as a person first is going to bring more fulfillment in a relationship, instead of shacking it up with someone who loves you or is available isn't the best romantic option in the world but your loyal, committed and dedicated and want that perfect world that monogamy is supposed to deliver but never does.

 

To me it's no surprise the divorce rate is so high and so many relationships do not last, and it's not because we're not old-fashioned like our grandparents and don't have values, because I can assure you genetics and desire don't change that fast...that generation simply had no choice to explore what it desired, there were more pressing matters and more traditional factors and pressures at play than there today. We're in an age of openness, and being able to accept different desires and ways of life that we would have never been able to accept so far in the US culture at least...take advantage of that, don't jump into relationship, don't feel like you've got to be with the first person that sparks intense feelings and that means forever.

 

At the end of the day you've got to figure out what makes you happy, whatever that is, and that's a matter of trails and errors, as well as exploration...that may change now until 10 years from now, and that's ok, that's supposed to happen sometimes.

 

I'm not telling you to change your values, or do things you don't feel like doing...but don't be so eager to jump on that that monogamy bandwagon if you're doing it because you feel like others are going to judge you for it, or it's the only thing that will bring you happiness. What you do for yourself and that is true to yourself lasts forever, what you do for others, including society, your SO is not going to be something you can do forever...in the end you will either regret, resent yourself or your SO or just be unhappy.

 

Don't be another dissatisfied monogamous relationship customer, have the balls to do other things that fulfill you and live your own life for you...not for anyone else. And if you think close-minded is going to get you what you need out of life, one day you're going to regret it and are going to wish you were more of a risk taker.

[SolG]

I'm very much thinking of making a foray into polyamory. My R history consists of serial monogamy, a long marriage, and most recently being the OW in a LTA. I would have to say that of all my Rs the A was the best fit for me and certainly made me the happiest I have ever been with a partner. I mean this in a practical, logistical and emotional sense. The lies and subterfuge, however, were absolutely unacceptable and ultimately soul destroying.

 

What I know is that I found traditional monogomous marriage unsatisfying. I prefer a more loose domestic arrangement. And that being with someone with another SO does not worry me per se, but it would absolutely have to be open and honest in the future. And I don't rule out multiple SOs myself either.

 

I am absolutely capable of love and commitment. But I don't believe that these are finite/scarce resources. I think I have a large capacity for life and love and do want to share that with a partner or partners in a meaningful way. I do not believe that there is a one size fits all absolute formula for this. I want to find my own.

 

Rereading The Ethical Slut at the moment. It's an interesting read.

[dichotomy]

I am not sure on the technical terms exactly - poly ve FWB vs FB vs open relationships....but I can say my wife had issues settling in to committed positive monogamy with just me - despite that fact that she really did want to commit and get married to me. I tend to see her as being in either a poly or open relationships lifestyle. It was not just FB's in my view. But I am no expert in these lifestyles.

 

I think the transition from (what ever you call it multiple loves/FWB/open/Poly) phase in her life - into one single committed and healthy relationship was difficult for her. Maybe it was pandoras box, or what ever. I guess I hear some poly's (or other forms) do designate a primary partner - and keep the other lesser partners?.

 

Then again there are people like CarrieT that seem to have made that transition very well into committed relationship/marriage from different relationship styles.

Edited April 7, 2015 by dichotomy

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Personally, I think people are much more likely to have a fully capable and fulfilling, successful monogamous relationship once they've learned through experience what works for them, what kind of person is compatible in a relationship for them, and most importantly actually growing up into an adult.

 

Too many people imagine/conjure up images of a monogamous relationship through entirely idealistic views and expectations, and think they are the end all be all of life and happiness...when in reality, they are far from it, if not an added life stress and rigorous learning experience which leaves many scars but also memories.

 

People need to realize that there's a lot of self work that you need to do to even be prepared for such an endeavor, something that would let's say, last forever...and why people think that there's this inherent capability that they have what it takes, that makes them ready and prepared to have a monogamous relationship by default from a young age, in which it will last forever is beyond me...a gross lack of wisdom, insight and experience.

 

Most relationships before 23 aren't going to last. Most relationships before 25 or 26 are had before you are even an independent self-aware adult (not just speaking financially) but emotionally and mentally...but by 26 you are just not that experienced in life. By your late 20's or early 30's, you've finally and are barely putting together the real pieces of life through what you've experienced thus far and finding yourself as a true person, not the pieces that you thought were life...the things you thought were important in the past and the way you might have looked at love and relationships.

 

In short, you're going to go through a lot of changes and growing up in life, you're going to learn a lot about yourself and others by having some kind of relationships with the opposite sex...whether it be FWB, relationships or even marriage, and you're going to discover in the end that you didn't know as much about love as you thought you did at the end of the road. And this is a lot easier for those to understand and accept who have been through the rollercoaster of love than those who are still in that relationship from the very beginning at a young age, this is something that they cannot understand because they have not experienced it with different people, they lack perspective.

 

Take your time with monogamy, don't worry about the labels and trying not to go on the wrong side of the fence where society is going to label you...because I know how people are, they do a lot of crap just out of mere acceptance, if no one was watching and there were no judgments to be made...people would be living their lives a lot differently than the way they feel they have to.

 

Nobody wants to be labeled the "commitment phobe", but maybe, just maybe your instincts are telling you something very rational and practical that applies to most if not all people deep within themselves...and that is that you've got a lot of work to do on yourself and you're not completely adequate and prepared for a monogamous relationship that is not going to fix you, or all your problems, or even fill that void you so desperately want fulfilled...maybe waiting for the actual right person and discovering who you truly are as a person first is going to bring more fulfillment in a relationship, instead of shacking it up with someone who loves you or is available isn't the best romantic option in the world but your loyal, committed and dedicated and want that perfect world that monogamy is supposed to deliver but never does.

 

To me it's no surprise the divorce rate is so high and so many relationships do not last, and it's not because we're not old-fashioned like our grandparents and don't have values, because I can assure you genetics and desire don't change that fast...that generation simply had no choice to explore what it desired, there were more pressing matters and more traditional factors and pressures at play than there today. We're in an age of openness, and being able to accept different desires and ways of life that we would have never been able to accept so far in the US culture at least...take advantage of that, don't jump into relationship, don't feel like you've got to be with the first person that sparks intense feelings and that means forever.

 

At the end of the day you've got to figure out what makes you happy, whatever that is, and that's a matter of trails and errors, as well as exploration...that may change now until 10 years from now, and that's ok, that's supposed to happen sometimes.

 

I'm not telling you to change your values, or do things you don't feel like doing...but don't be so eager to jump on that that monogamy bandwagon if you're doing it because you feel like others are going to judge you for it, or it's the only thing that will bring you happiness. What you do for yourself and that is true to yourself lasts forever, what you do for others, including society, your SO is not going to be something you can do forever...in the end you will either regret, resent yourself or your SO or just be unhappy.

 

Don't be another dissatisfied monogamous relationship customer, have the balls to do other things that fulfill you and live your own life for you...not for anyone else. And if you think close-minded is going to get you what you need out of life, one day you're going to regret it and are going to wish you were more of a risk taker.

 

Ninja, I appreciate your in-depth response to my thread. I'm not worried about being judged because I will only engage in a monogamous type of relationship. I do have a big set of balls, but I choose to use them in other areas of my life to do things that will benefit me or that will help me to be a better person. Having sex with multiple random strangers (or even with guys that I know) is NOT in my best interest; nor is including a stranger to have sex with in my relationship with a guy I love and care about. I've never had ANY regrets about not engaging in those types of immoral (to ME), risky, unsatisfying and spiritually, emotionally and physically uncomfortable relationships....and I never will have any regrets! Monogamy is where my soul, my heart and my physical body feels most comfortable, secure, satisfied and stable.

 

That being said, I do realize that there are MANY others who feel differently than I do and who conduct their sex lives in any way they see fit. For many people who engage in FWBs without batting an eye and/or those who engage comfortably in poly type of arrangements, these types of sexual relationships is what speaks to them physically, sexually and perhaps, maybe even spiritually. Whatever floats their boat!

 

I don't enter into any monogamous relationship because I expect it to "fix me" or my "problems" or to "fill some void I want so desperately to fulfill". I'll enter into a monogamous relationship with a man that I LOVE with all of my heart, that I care about, that I respect, that makes me feel happy when I'm with them, that has the character traits and values that are important to me, that I'm physically/sexually/emotionally attracted to and who I would want to become an integral part of my life; and alternatively, I would want him to feel the same way about me.

 

Those are THE *only* reasons I would ever enter into a monogamous committed relationship with ANY guy. I do NOT want to have to divide my love, attention, affection, focus and sexual desire with any other person (or with several other people) when I already am with the ONE person that I WANT to be with; nor do I have any desire to spread myself that thin sexually by having intercourse with more than one person at any one time. It's just how I am - and how I'm going to STAY...forever.

 

Yes, I agree with you that we're all in an age of "openness"...and being able to accept different desires and ways of life that we would have never been able to accept so far in the US culture. But, just because I do accept the different sexual desires and promiscuous ways of life that other people choose to live, it doesn't mean that I have to dabble in their way of life or consider trying their lifestyle. Just the mere thought of engaging in a FWB or poly type of situation is enough to spiritually and physically nauseate me. If and when I choose to share myself in every regard with someone, it's only going to be with ONE guy at a time.

 

My thread question was to get opinions from others on whether those who engage in FWBs or poly types of relationships would be considered commitment phobes or just people who may be desirous of being in a committed monogamous relationship but - for whatever reason - choose to temporarily engage in other types of sexual relationships OR they are just people who prefer to have permanent sexual variety throughout their life and with all of their sexual relations with others. The replies I've received in my thread have been very informative and enlightening (and somewhat frightening!) and has taught me a lot about these types of sexual situations that I've only heard and read about but have never engaged in - and have chosen to NEVER EVER engage in.

 

 

.

[Rejected Rosebud]

No I don't think it means they are a commitment phobe but I would not lump polyamory and fwb's together. Just because somebody doesn't want to be tied to one other person for ever doesn't mean they have some kind of a problem they might just be a little different than me and a lot of us!