Are people who engage in poly/fwb situations commitment phobes?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I've read some posts on this forum and on others about polyamorous relationships and fwb situations and I noticed a common theme to both circumstances: it seems that the people who engage in these types of relations with people are not interested in committing themselves sexually to just one person (monogamy). Not only that, but a lot of these people are permanently living their lives this way.

 

In your opinion, are these types of people commitment phobes? Or are they just the kind of person who wants permanent sexual variety but still wants to be in an "open" type of relationship with one or more people?

 

 

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[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Well in regards to my situation/thread...

 

My end-game is I want to Date > BF/GF > Wife > Kids. But I'm burned out chasing right now and want to take a break. I wouldn't mind having a FWB for a while and just chill out.

[compulsivedancer]

Polygamy is totally different from sleeping around, open relationships, etc. Many people misuse this term.

 

I have a friend who has been in a committed 3-person relationship for about two years. Her boyfriend and girlfriend were engaged when she joined them, and they recently got married. They plan up eventually have a commitment ceremony for her as well. The three of them got an apartment together several months ago, and they seem like one of the mire functional "couples" I know. It is definitely about a LOT more than sex. They deal with everything a 2-person couple deals with, but it's more complex because three people are involved.

[Redhead14]

I've read some posts on this forum and on others about polyamorous relationships and fwb situations and I noticed a common theme to both circumstances: it seems that the people who engage in these types of relations with people are not interested in committing themselves sexually to just one person (monogamy). Not only that, but a lot of these people are permanently living their lives this way.

 

In your opinion, are these types of people commitment phobes? Or are they just the kind of person who wants permanent sexual variety but still wants to be in an "open" type of relationship with one or more people?

 

 

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It doesn't really matter what label we give them. They can be emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, narcissists, have an avoidant personality disorder, etc. The bottomline is they want multiple partners.

 

If you are going to date or be sexual with someone who wants sexual variety and you want a committed relationship, don't go into that scenario and expect them to change because you think you might be the ONE who does it for them. It would be very messy.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

It doesn't really matter what label we give them. They can be emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, narcissists, have an avoidant personality disorder, etc. The bottomline is they want multiple partners.

 

If you are going to date or be sexual with someone who wants sexual variety and you want a committed relationship, don't go into that scenario and expect them to change because you think you might be the ONE who does it for them. It would be very messy.

 

So someone who had a past FWB is frowned upon? Even if they weren't sneaking around? Or is this someone who is a serial-FWB'er who has multiple girls at any given time?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Polygamy is totally different from sleeping around, open relationships, etc. Many people misuse this term.

 

I should've clarified that I meant polyamorous, not polygamous. I realize that polygamous relationships are actual "committed" relationships between 3 or more people.

 

 

@Barcode: Yes, I understand how some people can experience burnout with regard to dating for the purpose of securing a monogamous relationship. You never struck me as the kind of guy who wanted to engage in FWBs permanently. So, you're just taking a hiatus from dating for a few months or longer until you're ready to get back into it again?

 

 

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[Gary S]

I'm sure a lot of them are afraid of commitment. Suffice it to say that those people who are having those half-baked relationships have issues, and are not good catches, at least not at the moment. What issues are they? - could be any of 100. At the end of the day, it does not matter - all that matters is that they have a deal-breaking issue.

 

Some pearls of wisdom:

 

- Just because a person is beautiful and breathing does not mean they are a good catch. Beauty is sometimes only skin-deep.

 

- Like I always say, good catches in love are naturally monogamous. Maybe a few less guys, but still loads of men, and you only need one.

 

- You cannot be in love with more than one person at a time.

[Erised]

Poly is not FWB and is not commitmrntphobe

 

I'm reticent to commit right now but I'm not poly. When I do commit it is monogamous. Until recently it was almost religiously so. I had trouble looking at another person when I was interested in one without even a relationship.

 

Poly people have loving long term relationships. I have a friend in a triad- she lives with her boyfriend and her girlfriend. They sleep with each other and no one else. There are many flavors of poly. But poly never "upgrades" to monogamous because a magical person comes

 

One of the things I respect about ethical poly is the communication and honesty. More monogamous relationships could use those. Someone being poly is not necessarily bad or lacking, and neither are the relationships. A poly relationship is not less than a monogamous relationship, just different.

 

If you're monogamous by nature, you shouldn't date a poly person. Incompatibility.

 

FWB, maybe more commitmentphobes about, but also people wanting a single sexual partner to ride them over to finding someone they like enough for a relationship.

 

Regardless, judging a person for having a different relationship style than you if they're honest or assuming broad qualities about them all? Nah.

[Redhead14]

So someone who had a past FWB is frowned upon? Even if they weren't sneaking around? Or is this someone who is a serial-FWB'er who has multiple girls at any given time?

 

 

No, someone who had a past FWB shouldn't be frowned upon. Lots of people have had FWB relationships yet may at some point want a committed relationship. It's a matter of making sure the parties involved are on the same page. In other words, if you are dating someone who's had an FWB in the past, you need to be clear about what you want for yourself and see what it is they want now while dating you.

 

If they are a serial FWBer as you say, it's probably unlikely they want a committed relationship. And I wouldn't date someone like that if I'm really looking for something more serious.

[kendahke]

No. I don't believe they are.

 

Some people just don't want the obligation of relationship for whatever reason. They seem to be able to commit to their single lifestyle with no problem, so I don't see it as they're commitment phobes.

 

As long as they're up front about not wanting the obligation of relationship, it shouldn't even be a problem. It's when they lead someone on and then switch up on them that problems arise.

[ASG]

Hmmm... No. I'm not a commitment phobe. I just haven't found a person who sweeps me off my feet.

 

But it's not about lack of commitment. In the past year I have basically been monogamous with 2 different (consecutive) FWBs. This is very unusual for me, but it happened (and is still happening).

 

I want to eventually have a proper relationship... but it just hasn't happened yet.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I should've clarified that I meant polyamorous, not polygamous. I realize that polygamous relationships are actual "committed" relationships between 3 or more people.

 

 

@Barcode: Yes, I understand how some people can experience burnout with regard to dating for the purpose of securing a monogamous relationship. You never struck me as the kind of guy who wanted to engage in FWBs permanently. So, you're just taking a hiatus from dating for a few months or longer until you're ready to get back into it again?

 

 

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I'm going to be keeping my antennas up, but won't be looking as actively. As far as my Online Dating endeavors go, its been like trying to nail jello to the wall -_- lol. I've had decent success, and had a few good runs - but nothing to show for it.

[wb1988]

I have a friend who has been in a committed 3-person relationship for about two years. Her boyfriend and girlfriend were engaged when she joined them, and they recently got married. They plan up eventually have a commitment ceremony for her as well. The three of them got an apartment together several months ago, and they seem like one of the mire functional "couples" I know. It is definitely about a LOT more than sex. They deal with everything a 2-person couple deals with, but it's more complex because three people are involved.

 

A guy can only dream

 

I wonder if the 2nd girl ever gets jealous that she isn't the wife.

[carhill]

Are people who engage in poly/fwb situations commitment phobes?

 

They could be committed to living as varied a life as possible, and authentically.

 

IMO, as long as everyone is disclosed, that choice (poly/fwb/casual sex, etc) is as valid a choice as any other in life.

[wb1988]

OP there could be many reasons, I think the commitment-phobe explanation is overplayed.

 

There are many other reasons:

You could have been burnt bad before so would rather avoid the romance.

You allow yourself to be used sexually even though you really want more, but accept a FWB situation because you know you can't get more from the specific person.

You are still hung up on your exs so remain fwbs with them.

You think that starting off as FWB will lead to something more but end up being stuck.

You are socially awkward and are unable to develop a real relationship (including the fear of messing it up).

[fitnessfan365]

Sex can be like a drug. When you're not having it, you come to be fine without it. I mean I was having sex pretty regularly for five years straight with a variety of women. But after my last ex GF, I took a year off from women. The first few months I was going out of my mind. However, the last six months not being sexually active was actually fine with me and made life simpler.

 

With that said, after you get out of a relationship, you go through sex withdrawl. So an FWB is ideal after you break up with someone. It lets you still get your needs met, while allowing you to deal with the break up since there are no strings. In all three cases, it was never about commitment phobia whatsoever. I just didn't want to mislead a woman by pretending to date her on the rebound. So I was honest in each case. "This is only about sex for me since I just broke up with someone. I'll never want a relationship with you." All three said they were fine with it. But of course, all three caught feelings down the road, and I ended it when it happened.

[central]

As others have pointed out, polyamory is not the same as FWB or an open relationship, despite all (possibly) being forms of non-monogamy. (FWB can be monogamous, but without long term commitment.)

 

Some people are monogamous, some are not. Even some who are do not necessarily want to commit to a particular person they're dating, or at a particular time in their lives.

 

Polyamorous people sometimes do commit to relationships, only the commitment may be to two or more people in a polyfidelity arrangement.

 

I've always been completely committed to my FWBs, as they are long term friends whether or not the "benefits" exist at any particular time. I'm also totally committed to my wife and our long term relationship despite it being an open relationship - we've just decided not to be sexually exclusive as we prefer a different scenario at least occasionally.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Poly is not FWB and is not commitmrntphobe

 

I'm reticent to commit right now but I'm not poly. When I do commit it is monogamous. Until recently it was almost religiously so. I had trouble looking at another person when I was interested in one without even a relationship.

 

Poly people have loving long term relationships. I have a friend in a triad- she lives with her boyfriend and her girlfriend. They sleep with each other and no one else. There are many flavors of poly. But poly never "upgrades" to monogamous because a magical person comes

 

One of the things I respect about ethical poly is the communication and honesty. More monogamous relationships could use those. Someone being poly is not necessarily bad or lacking, and neither are the relationships. A poly relationship is not less than a monogamous relationship, just different.

 

If you're monogamous by nature, you shouldn't date a poly person. Incompatibility.

 

FWB, maybe more commitmentphobes about, but also people wanting a single sexual partner to ride them over to finding someone they like enough for a relationship.

 

Regardless, judging a person for having a different relationship style than you if they're honest or assuming broad qualities about them all? Nah.

 

You've made some very good points in your post; especially the part about the communication and honesty in ANY kind of relationship.

 

 

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[jen1447]

I've read some posts on this forum and on others about polyamorous relationships and fwb situations and I noticed a common theme to both circumstances: it seems that the people who engage in these types of relations with people are not interested in committing themselves sexually to just one person (monogamy). Not only that, but a lot of these people are permanently living their lives this way.

 

In your opinion, are these types of people commitment phobes? Or are they just the kind of person who wants permanent sexual variety but still wants to be in an "open" type of relationship with one or more people?

 

 

.

 

I'm polyamorous (BF and 2 GFs + other FWB GFs), so straight from the horse's mouth here.

 

You pretty much hit the nail on the head with your second sentence - I'm "the kind of person who wants permanent sexual variety." I'm not a commitment-phobe at all tho. I'm deeply committed to my SOs, all within the understood and agreed upon poly context of the relationships. The details of which which are no secret to any of the parties, ever.

 

Other than that, I'm a normal person just like everyone else.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I'm polyamorous (BF and 2 GFs + other FWB GFs), so straight from the horse's mouth here.

 

You pretty much hit the nail on the head with your second sentence - I'm "the kind of person who wants permanent sexual variety." I'm not a commitment-phobe at all tho. I'm deeply committed to my SOs, all within the understood and agreed upon poly context of the relationships. The details of which which are no secret to any of the parties, ever.

 

Other than that, I'm a normal person just like everyone else.

 

 

Thanks for contributing to my thread, Jen! So, this poly type of arrangement not only works for you, but you desire permanent sexual variety. Diff strokes for diff folks. By permanent sexual variety, does this mean that you're going to carry this through to when you're much older, like in your 60s+ ? Or might you maybe consider having a monogamous relationship or exclusive companionship when you're much older?

 

 

 

@Central: I was on board with your post until I read through to the end that you are committed to your WIFE as well as to your FWBs.....holy hell! I have a mantra: to each his/her own; it's just that I'm always kind of shocked when I hear or read about married people who have sex outside of their marriage...to me, that's just HORRIFYING. And I'll never be able to wrap my mind around people who do that and how they can do that. Thanks for offering your perspective and sharing what your situation is though. It's interesting (albeit sometimes frightening lol) to read about how other people live their lives.

 

 

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[jen1447]

Thanks for contributing to my thread, Jen! So, this poly type of arrangement not only works for you, but you desire permanent sexual variety. Diff strokes for diff folks. By permanent sexual variety, does this mean that you're going to carry this through to when you're much older, like in your 60s+ ? Or might you maybe consider having a monogamous relationship or exclusive companionship when you're much older?

That's actually a really good question that I just so happen to have been pondering a lot lately. I can say that for now, I have no intention of cooling off on the variety. (If anything I've been ramping it up, haha.) But somehow I have trouble picturing myself as a 'silver fox' grandma doing the same thing. Not that I don't think seniors deserve to live how they like ....I don't know, maybe I just have some old-fashioned notions still ingrained in me. But my guess is that I'll settle down with one or two partners at some point and leave off with all the FWB stuff. (That's assuming my libido tapers off with age. No sign of that happening yet. )

 

btw, point about married FWBs - I personally see no issues with that if all parties are informed and consent. I'm personally not the marrying kind, so I doubt it'll ever be an issue for me, but I wouldn't consider a marriage license to be a forfeiture of living your sexual life to the fullest. Assuming of course it's all done above board, with honesty as the guiding principal.

[carhill]

Think of it like league play in a team sport. I'm loyal to the team and they know I have their back in competition with other teams but that doesn't mean I can't go play with another team that isn't in our league. My loyalty to one team isn't abrogated by play with another team as long as everyone is disclosed. People do this all the time, relevant to team sports.

 

For some people, sex is a quite pleasurable sport and they're not betraying the home team by playing it with others as long as the home team is disclosed and has trust and observes loyalty being practiced in their own league, the league of life partners.

 

I'm not wired up that way (in the realm of sex and relationships) but accept that plenty of people are and it works for them and their relationships and in no way lessens the value of their commitment to the team. They feel committed; their life partner feels they're committed so that's it. Done deal.

[PogoStick]

I'm not a commitment phobe at all. I enjoy a committed relationship. I do not enjoy monogamy (for long anyway).

[Krieger]

Sex can be like a drug. When you're not having it, you come to be fine without it. I mean I was having sex pretty regularly for five years straight with a variety of women. But after my last ex GF, I took a year off from women. The first few months I was going out of my mind. However, the last six months not being sexually active was actually fine with me and made life simpler.

 

Funny you say that : The brain of both a man and woman is said to look much like the brain of a person taking heroin during an orgasm, according to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

 

Brain On Sex: How The Brain Functions During An Orgasm

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Sex can be like a drug. When you're not having it, you come to be fine without it. I mean I was having sex pretty regularly for five years straight with a variety of women. But after my last ex GF, I took a year off from women. The first few months I was going out of my mind. However, the last six months not being sexually active was actually fine with me and made life simpler.

 

With that said, after you get out of a relationship, you go through sex withdrawl. So an FWB is ideal after you break up with someone. It lets you still get your needs met, while allowing you to deal with the break up since there are no strings. In all three cases, it was never about commitment phobia whatsoever. I just didn't want to mislead a woman by pretending to date her on the rebound. So I was honest in each case. "This is only about sex for me since I just broke up with someone. I'll never want a relationship with you." All three said they were fine with it. But of course, all three caught feelings down the road, and I ended it when it happened.

 

Just curious about something. In your last three sentences, you stated that the women you FWB'd with developed "feelings" for you and then you ended it with each of them. Have you EVER developed any feelings or an emotional/sexual attachment toward any FWB you've ever had in your entire life? Or are you that controlled with your own emotions and that detached from ever developing feelings for a woman you've been intimate with?

 

 

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