hollypolly Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Just back from a bachelorette weekend and to say im upset is an understatement. Its been over two weeks since the B.U of my 8 month relationship. I was the only single person and the weekend basically was everyone talking about how great marriage is and comparing wedding bands and baby pics and saying how glad they were they were off the dating scene. I literally went to bed last night and cried. I felt like picking up the phone and calling my ex but I didnt as it cant be fixed. He doesnt want a serious relationship or marriage right now and I need to move on. The comments that hurt the most was about how youd "want to be married and starting your family by 30". Im almost 30 and itll be a long time if ever before i meet anyone. I feel like its never gonna happen and there must be something wrong with me. Cant stop crying! Sorry to depress you all :-(
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 It's really hard when you feel like all your friends have something you want. I used to get so depressed going to weddings especially when the parties involved were younger than me. You need to expand your friend's circle to include single women again. Also reach out to those old married friends & ask them if they know anybody. Their husbands may have single buddies or work colleagues. They say weddings are good places to meet people. I never found that but do look around at the actual wedding. Keep thinking positive thoughts that your person is out there.
Author hollypolly Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Im not ready to meet anybody. I just feel like a failure and I put so much into my relationship and now Im lost and lonely. I was hit on my sleezy men and everyone thought it was funny despite how uncomfortable I was. I had my ass grabbed, a guy trying to kiss me and I was getting so upset and everyone thought it was just funny. I wanted to just go home but I couldnt. So depressed today
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I can see why that would be upsetting. Yuck. You are not a failure.
Author hollypolly Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 One girl even went on to joke about how all my ex boyfriends got married to the girl they met straight after me. I got cheated on, treated like **** and most recently dumped cos even though he made the relationship serious, he decided he didnt want it. Its hard not to feel like a failure.
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 The girl who said those things to you is a failure at being a nice human being. Cut her out of your life sooner rather than later. What did you learn from the failed relationships? You need to take that knowledge & apply it to your future relationships so you break the bad patterns. Nothing you did caused your EX to cheat. That was a choice he made, not you. The fact that your EXs married the women they dated after your relationships ended only means that they met weak willed women unlike you who were willing to put up with their nonsense.
Author hollypolly Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 It just made me feel like the worst person in the world. Im very independent. Ive a good education, a nice car, my own home and Ive worked hard to achieve all this. I dont depend on anyone to provide for me and I dont expect extravegent gifts or demand too much attention. I only ask for loyalty and respect and Love. Yet it seems so hard to find. I thought id found it this time and as time went on things changed and it all fell apart. He got scared and he just dropped me like I never mattered. As if that wasnt hard enough, i had to attend this event only to be made feel worse than I ever thought possible
Author hollypolly Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Im literally sat here shaking. Irs been three weeks since my B.U and i just got a text from my ex who dumped me over the phone as he didnt wanna settle down. He said he hates the way things were left and wants to meet me to chat as its the least we owe each other. No affection and very little remorse. I think he just wants to make himself feel better so ive decided to ignore. He said if i dont reply I wont hear from him n hell take it its over.
Throldur Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Im literally sat here shaking. Irs been three weeks since my B.U and i just got a text from my ex who dumped me over the phone as he didnt wanna settle down. He said he hates the way things were left and wants to meet me to chat as its the least we owe each other. No affection and very little remorse. I think he just wants to make himself feel better so ive decided to ignore. He said if i dont reply I wont hear from him n hell take it its over. Not worth putting yourself back to square one. There's no mention of wanting to reconcile so there's no point. 1
frigginlost Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Im literally sat here shaking. Irs been three weeks since my B.U and i just got a text from my ex who dumped me over the phone as he didnt wanna settle down. He said he hates the way things were left and wants to meet me to chat as its the least we owe each other. No affection and very little remorse. I think he just wants to make himself feel better so ive decided to ignore. He said if i dont reply I wont hear from him n hell take it its over. What an ass that guy is! It was over when he dumped you. He sounds like a heartless pr*ck. Ignore it. It will drive him crazy... 1
PegNosePete Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 He said if i dont reply I wont hear from him n hell take it its over. There you go. Don't respond, job done. 3
idoltree Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I agree that he wants to make himself feel better. He wants to break up in a way that makes him feel less guilty. It's all about him and his needs. Did he care about your feelings when he chose to leave you? No, he thought about himself. Now you think only of yourself. He's got friends and access to counseling if he wants to feel better about himself; he broke up with you and he needs to stop looking to you for emotional support. He said if i dont reply I wont hear from him n hell take it its over.Yeah, that's the little hook to get you to agree to this. He wants to give you the slightest bit of hope that he's willing to work things out so you'll meet him. It's also indicative that he wants to be in control. Who sends a text and includes a clause about what happens if the other person doesn't reply? Someone who wants to feel in control of what happens. Don't reply. Let him live with his choices (breaking up and the method he chose). Part of breaking up with someone is that they are no longer at your beck and call, and they're especially not there to help you feel better about yourself. If you two are to work things out eventually, he needs to go through the guilt and pain of his choices and realize your value to his life. You need to heal and rediscover who you are without him. It is far too soon for this to have happened, and so even if you did reunite (which I don't think he has any intentions of anyway), it's likely to fail for the same reasons. Let live and let go. He doesn't get a reply because of the choices he made. 3
LYNNLH Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Yes dear..i agree with Idoltree. When they choose to break up with us, there is nothing more to discuss. Them trying to contact us is just to assuage their guilt. Before I went on strict full NC, I made the mistake of stupidly met up with that person after a heartfelt text message from him. When we met up, it actually gave him closure and lessen his guilt because I was willing to meet up with him which in a way, to him..I was okay with him dumping me cruelly. You wouldn't believe how smug he looked and was talking crap like " I hope you wont ignore me when you get a boyfriend in future"..you can just imagine the pain I was in. Well, can't blame anyone but myself for meeting up with him. I have since gone strict NC..and guess what? He called me last Saturday ( from a foreign local number which I forgot to block before I deleted it)..I saw the missed call ( I was in the shower but I wouldn't pick up anyway because I will never repeat my mistake again)..and blocked and deleted the number. I am finally at peace now. Ignore him. Stick to NC. No point talking to him. What is there to talk or discuss? He broke up with you. So, he should just get lost... 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Thanks everyone. I just deleted the message. I dont know his number off by heart so i cant reply even if i get weak. This has hit my like a tonne of bricks. I had this awful feeling all day that id hear from him and I did. Hopefully thats the end of that but something tells me its not the last ive heard. 1
jen1447 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Would some closure have helped you, holly? Break ups like that are essentially an open wound. Open wounds heal over time, but rarely 'cleanly.' They leave scars. Closure is like stitches. If you have it, the scars will be more faint. I'm sure he did want to make himself feel better, but it may have made you feel better too. Ultimately you want to get to a place where a simple text from him won't leave you shaking, and you won't get there by hanging onto your angst.
Author hollypolly Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 its only been a few weeks so i think its normal to have an emotional reaction to this message. He doesnt want a relationship or to settle down and thats more than enough closure for me. He was angry and cruel and he can live with that now. I wont be giving him another chance to hurt me and meeting him will only set me back. i am if course heartbroken and I wish things were different but they are not. It can never be the same. I will remain NC and heal myself and hopefully one day move on. 2
jen1447 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 its only been a few weeks so i think its normal to have an emotional reaction to this message. He doesnt want a relationship or to settle down and thats more than enough closure for me. He was angry and cruel and he can live with that now. I wont be giving him another chance to hurt me and meeting him will only set me back. i am if course heartbroken and I wish things were different but they are not. It can never be the same. I will remain NC and heal myself and hopefully one day move on. Fair enough - then you made the right call. Best of luck to you hon.
Author hollypolly Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Hey guys, So its almost a month since the BU of my relationship. I went NC straight away and have kept to it. I got a text last week from him saying he hates the way it ended and he felt we owed each other to meet up and chat. (He dumped me over the phone). He said if i didnt reply he would take it that we are done. I ignored and deleted it. I know im being stupid but I cant help but feel like I was harsh in not replying. The logical part of me knows i dud the right thing as he made it quite clear he didnt want this anymore which literally came from nowhere. The other part of my wonders if I was wrong to ignore it and somehow it could all be different. please knock sense in to me.
CarrieT Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 There is nothing to be gained by contacting and re-hashing. That line of "owing it to each other" is BS; he is just trying to assuage guilt. Stay NC - you will be fine... 2
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I am a firm believer in NC. I don't need to hear somebody's explanation about why they dumped me after the fact. A quality person would have discussed it with me then, not ripped my heart out trying to make themselves feel better. Nothing he could say will make you feel better so why do you want to go into a situation that will only make you feel worse? Stay strong & keep him out of your life. 2
Author hollypolly Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 I know its thr right thing to do and it feels like it most of the time. The text contained no affection or regret about his choice to end it, only about the way it happened and how awful it made him feel. I just find myself constantly wondering where I am going wrong. This guy was terrified of the idea of settling down. The last one cheated over and over. Its just soul destroying when you put your heart on the line and treat these guys so well only to be left destroyed. Im slowly losing faith in men and I hate that feeling. Im not myself at all right now and I hate that too. I look like crap, im so depressing to be around and ive literally no interest in doing anything or being around people. When im my normal self, im bubbly, i workout regularly, I take pride in my appearance and im very active and always in the go. Its only April and so far my dad got sick, my grandparent died and I lost my boyfriend. And I was the sucker that stood there in the crowd and counted down to that "Happy New Year". 1
Throldur Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I know its thr right thing to do and it feels like it most of the time. The text contained no affection or regret about his choice to end it, only about the way it happened and how awful it made him feel. I just find myself constantly wondering where I am going wrong. This guy was terrified of the idea of settling down. The last one cheated over and over. Its just soul destroying when you put your heart on the line and treat these guys so well only to be left destroyed. Im slowly losing faith in men and I hate that feeling. Im not myself at all right now and I hate that too. I look like crap, im so depressing to be around and ive literally no interest in doing anything or being around people. When im my normal self, im bubbly, i workout regularly, I take pride in my appearance and im very active and always in the go. Its only April and so far my dad got sick, my grandparent died and I lost my boyfriend. And I was the sucker that stood there in the crowd and counted down to that "Happy New Year". I'm in the same boat.. no deaths in my immediate family, so thank god for that, but I've had a rotten year (haven't heard too many people say they've had a good one.. but I've had one of the worst and it sounds like you are too) and I'm losing faith in women as all 3 girls that I had relationships with that were important, long term and going somewhere, ended with them cheating on me. Each time, I trust, and each time I get burnt. Hey, I'm a single good guy.. so there are some of us out there. There's just a lot of douchebags. A lot of them. My first girlfriend cheated on me.. later she got with a guy (different from who she cheated on me with) and he dumped her after he knocked her up. The second girlfriend has been lied to, cheated on, and dumped countless times by deadbeat guys. My most recent ex is with a guy who I guarantee you is isolating her, emotionally abusing her, and has reduced her already tiny self-esteem (that I built up from nothing in two years) to rubble. They normally never end up with someone better. Mourn for your ex, he made the bad decision. Now find a good guy like me. We deserve someone too! 2
Author hollypolly Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Im so sorry you had to go through all of that. I think someone cheating on you is a special kind of pain and its not pretty at all. I feel like im searching constantly for my own blame in this breakup and I cant find it. This guy just freaked out, threw tantrums when I didnt do what he wanted or if i didnt agree with him. Then he just dumped me. My first post from last month explains the breakup accuratly for anyone interested 2
Satu Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I got a text last week from him saying he hates the way it ended and he felt we owed each other to meet up and chat. There's a little hole there that you need to plug. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. >>>Block any means he might use to contact you. <<< *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Ive been good at the NC. Ive deactivated my social media, photos are all gone. Deleted his number and all texts. Even burnt my phonebill in case I got weak even though I know I wont. I dont think ill hear again from him after I ignored the last text. He wouldnt like it one bit that I did that. He never had the opportunity to meet my close friends so its not an issue and hes not from my town so there will be no stories and ive warned everyone not to tell me anything in the event they did somehow have anything to tell. Its just trying to quench that niggling doubt in my mind thats the real sticky one for me.
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