Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 So, I've been clear with people I don't want a relationship right now. Just enjoy company and no commitments. It's come to my attention that one guy is referring to me as his girlfriend. This has been his own friends, though one did get around to someone I know, which is how I found out. I know we've had this clear because we just recently had another conversation where he was asking what exactly he was to me and how he fit into my life. I was clear I am not interested in a relationship with anyone right now, that I have fun with him, but there are several things that make me hesitant to anticipate a future with him even if I was ready for a commitment, Though it isn't something I have explicitly ruled out because I do have fun with him, and I'm not ready for a commitment right now anyhow. We have had issues with him being affectionate/ jealous in public and clearly tryng to insinuate we are an item when out with others. We discussed these moments. I understand doing this for simplicity sake. I simply refer to him as a friend. We are not sleeping together though we have kissed and travelled together and such. Do I end this? Is he getting too attached? He insists he's not but the behavior makes me nervous. I've hurt quite a few people lately and it sucks every time. Or am I being overly cautious? I haven't addressed the girlfriend thing yet though because I'm not sure if/how much it bothers me since to my knowledge it's not purposefully being done amongst our mutual friends, though rumors will fly.
GemmaUK Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 He is disrespecting your boundaries, wishes and also telling people lies. That isn't a friend I would want to spend any further time with. He would no longer be a friend of mine and there is no way I would have a relationship with someone like that. 3
Methodical Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 So, I've been clear with people I don't want a relationship right now. Just enjoy company and no commitments. It's come to my attention that one guy is referring to me as his girlfriend. This has been his own friends, though one did get around to someone I know, which is how I found out. I know we've had this clear because we just recently had another conversation where he was asking what exactly he was to me and how he fit into my life. I was clear I am not interested in a relationship with anyone right now, that I have fun with him, but there are several things that make me hesitant to anticipate a future with him even if I was ready for a commitment, Though it isn't something I have explicitly ruled out because I do have fun with him, and I'm not ready for a commitment right now anyhow. We have had issues with him being affectionate/ jealous in public and clearly tryng to insinuate we are an item when out with others. We discussed these moments. I understand doing this for simplicity sake. I simply refer to him as a friend. We are not sleeping together though we have kissed and travelled together and such. Do I end this? Is he getting too attached? He insists he's not but the behavior makes me nervous. I've hurt quite a few people lately and it sucks every time. Or am I being overly cautious? I haven't addressed the girlfriend thing yet though because I'm not sure if/how much it bothers me since to my knowledge it's not purposefully being done amongst our mutual friends, though rumors will fly. There are plenty of signs in what you describe that confirms he's definitely attached and has developed and emotional bond of sorts. You have had "the talk" and recently felt the need to reiterate to make sure you both were on the same page, he has asked how he fits in to your life, he displays signs of jealousy, he is referring to you as his GF... He is attached! 1
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Thanks Gemma! The boundary comment has been one I've heard before; I may not be the best at defending my personal boundaries... Which puts this in a very good perspective.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 In all fairness if you're kissing this guy and traveling with him, but not having sex, and you're keeping him on the line as a friend, that's really not fair to him. Forget about what he is referring to you two as for a second. You need to make this platonic ASAP because you're giving him hella mixed signals, and he is going to get hurt if you don't make things a LOT more clear. Right now he thinks he has a shot with you because you're giving him physical intimacy (kissing). You need to decide whether you want him as a Platonic friend, or a Friend With Benefits - because right now you have him in purgatory. 1
Diezel Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You have two options: #1 - Talk to him sternly about boundaries. #2 - End it. 1
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 In all fairness if you're kissing this guy and traveling with him, but not having sex, and you're keeping him on the line as a friend, that's really not fair to him. Forget about what he is referring to you two as for a second. You need to make this platonic ASAP because you're giving him hella mixed signals, and he is going to get hurt if you don't make things a LOT more clear. Right now he thinks he has a shot with you because you're giving him physical intimacy (kissing). You need to decide whether you want him as a Platonic friend, or a Friend With Benefits - because right now you have him in purgatory. He has exactly the shot I've explicitly made clear. Sex is not off the table. It seems prudent to make sure it isn't going to hurt him more re: attachment first.we have shared STI results, my birth control method, and my outlook on protection (always.) but mutually agreed we don't know each other well enough for sex yet. We do go on dates and such. When asked explicitly I notmally say dating non exclusively but refer to him as a friend in conversations where that's not the topic. To me girlfriend implies a more serious relationship with plans of the future. Perhaps that word doesn't really mean all that? I like him but future is not something I want to get into with anyone right now. And as I've told him, with him ever? I don't know. I would need time to see whether my concerns are warranted and how much I can actually trust him.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 He has exactly the shot I've explicitly made clear. Sex is not off the table. It seems prudent to make sure it isn't going to hurt him more re: attachment first.we have shared STI results, my birth control method, and my outlook on protection (always.) but mutually agreed we don't know each other well enough for sex yet. We do go on dates and such. When asked explicitly I notmally say dating non exclusively but refer to him as a friend in conversations where that's not the topic. To me girlfriend implies a more serious relationship with plans of the future. Perhaps that word doesn't really mean all that? I like him but future is not something I want to get into with anyone right now. And as I've told him, with him ever? I don't know. I would need time to see whether my concerns are warranted and how much I can actually trust him. Ok - I think you need to talk to him and be very blunt. Before you accuse him though, ask him what he means by "Girlfriend". Although I have a feeling he is overstepping the boundaries you set. I think you're right in the essence that you shouldn't have sex with him if he's into you romantically, it would just complicate things. So you'll need to decide whether you two have a future at FWB working, or cut things off with him entirely. Just whatever you decide, be sure you commit to that decision. Don't keep him in purgatory
fred123 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Talk to him about boundaries?! Where are your boundaries? No wonder guys get confused and cant read women and then women come on here complaining that the guy isnt interested etc. You are giving him mixed signals. Stop kissing the guy when you know he likes you. Friends dont kiss one another and you and me both know it!!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Talk to him about boundaries?! Where are your boundaries? No wonder guys get confused and cant read women and then women come on here complaining that the guy isnt interested etc. You are giving him mixed signals. Stop kissing the guy when you know he likes you. Friends dont kiss one another and you and me both know it!! I tend to agree somewhat - I don't know what kind of discussions they had. I feel like she wanted something FWB but things were left up in the air and never got worked out.
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Talk to him about boundaries?! Where are your boundaries? No wonder guys get confused and cant read women and then women come on here complaining that the guy isnt interested etc. You are giving him mixed signals. Stop kissing the guy when you know he likes you. Friends dont kiss one another and you and me both know it!! It's non exclusive dating. It's not plain friendship. It's just not a relationship either. We have no plans for the future, which I think girlfriend implies. He has asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I said no, I'm not wanting any commitment right now. Having fun and hanging out and everything is fine. I'm fine with dates. I have explicitly told him this. No signals, actual words like grown ups use.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Haha.. I should start calling you "Summer". Sounds exactly like the movie. But like 500 Days of Summer, I think you just haven't met the right guy yet to make you want something more serious. If this guy wasn't acting jealous, a bit possessive, and so relationship focused, who knows how you'd feel down the road. However, he clearly wants more than you do, so you'd be better off breaking it off with him. Now women on the forum will say that the guy should go after what he wants and initiate the exclusive talk. But I still say this is a mistake. Women in my opinion, like to come and go as they please and need time to warm up to a guy. So as a guy, all I do is plan dates, and have fun until she hints. My GF said "I'm not trying to sound jealous, but have you been dating other women?" Did I want more with her? Sure. But I had to let her get there on her own. Finally, I feel that people still make the mistake of rushing too fast after they get into a relationship. My brother is making this mistake. Was seeing his girl 1-2x a week, and then the instant they became exclusive, he started seeing her 6x a week. That is how burn out happens. 1
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Haha.. I should start calling you "Summer". Sounds exactly like the movie. But like 500 Days of Summer, I think you just haven't met the right guy yet to make you want something more serious. If this guy wasn't acting jealous, a bit possessive, and so relationship focused, who knows how you'd feel down the road. However, he clearly wants more than you do, so you'd be better off breaking it off with him. . I've had serious. So much serious. Been married. Been in several multi year relationships. That were good, but obviously not forever. Just not there right now. Especially since guys like to "fall in love" without really knowing me. Unless I'm convinced a person knows me incredibly well, I'm certainly not going to waste my hopes and energy imagining and planning a future no matter what they are like. 1
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 What is this, half-baked relationships day?! The problem with those half-baked relationships is, they have no rules, because they don't follow the rules of love. Half-baked effort equals half-baked output. You get what you put into it. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 What is this, half-baked relationships day?! The problem with those half-baked relationships is, they have no rules, because they don't follow the rules of love. Half-baked effort equals half-baked output. You get what you put into it. Pretty sure I'm still half-baked from Friday night..... 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Especially since guys like to "fall in love" without really knowing me. Unless I'm convinced a person knows me incredibly well, I'm certainly not going to waste my hopes and energy imagining and planning a future no matter what they are like. I definitely agree with you here. I think people throw the word "love" around WAY too easy. I can honestly say that I've never been in love and don't know if I ever will be. However, when I do say it, that woman will know that I mean it and that she has earned it. Like you, I am very much a realist in that regard, But at the same time, I'm not jaded or cynical either. While I am very selective, I also trust my instincts when I meet someone special. That's why the progression with my GF didn't bother me. Still keeping it slow and natural with her though. Right now 2x a week dates and not having daily communication yet. But I won't lie. That wait from Tues to Sat is starting to get harder and harder.
TexasMan68 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 How long have you have commitment issues in relationships? Everything you describe exhibits g/f behavior yet you call 911 when this guy refers to you as his g/f. You obviously have control issues as well, since your discussing STI results, birth control methods...etc. I wouldn't be surprised if you have already outlined with him how you like to have sex, what you like and don't like so forth and so on. Should he refer to you as his FWOB? (Friend without benefits)
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 How long have you have commitment issues in relationships? Everything you describe exhibits g/f behavior yet you call 911 when this guy refers to you as his g/f. You obviously have control issues as well, since your discussing STI results, birth control methods...etc. I wouldn't be surprised if you have already outlined with him how you like to have sex, what you like and don't like so forth and so on. Should he refer to you as his FWOB? (Friend without benefits) You don't discuss STI results and birth control and protection prior to having sex? I would like to have sex, and we were progressing in that direction. And I was upfront about my current commitment issues from the first time he asked me out.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You don't discuss STI results and birth control and protection prior to having sex? I would like to have sex, and we were progressing in that direction. And I was upfront about my current commitment issues from the first time he asked me out. Nope I just slap on a condom. 1
TexasMan68 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 So you just want someone clean to **** without all the commitment? Go find a FWB and leave this guy alone, he obviously wants a g/f not a **** buddy. 2
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 What is this, half-baked relationships day?! The problem with those half-baked relationships is, they have no rules, because they don't follow the rules of love. Half-baked effort equals half-baked output. You get what you put into it. But, I've seen you post in several threads today, and what I really am not hearing are how you feel about nonmonogamy. Don't hold back now.
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Nope I just slap on a condom. Condoms are not 100% for anything and less for some things than others. I won't ever be intimate with anyone without a full discussion of current habits and seeing test results. I don't think anyone should.
Author Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 So you just want someone clean to **** without all the commitment? Go find a FWB and leave this guy alone, he obviously wants a g/f not a **** buddy. He has said he is okay with things as presented. Which isn't necessarily just sex. Sex is no good without the basic enjoying of each other's company and having other fun together. But, that is what I'm asking. I tend to trust people's words because we are adults and I want people to allow me to make my own decisions. But thanks for the input. I need a certain level of trust before sex although I love it oh so much, because I want to be safe. I need a higher level of trust before a relationship or thinking about the future
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 But, I've seen you post in several threads today, and what I really am not hearing are how you feel about nonmonogamy. Don't hold back now. - Ha-ha! You have a good attitude. We could be friends.... just friends
Mrin Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Hmmm. I think I would suggest cutting him loose. If you hadn't already had this discussion with him a couple of times I think you could chalk it up to exuberance. But this seems to be a recurring issue for him and you have yet to have sex. Sex will kick into into higher gear for him. I'd just chalk it up to wanting something different. 1
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