Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You wouldn't give HER a second chance? How about HER not giving HIM a second chance?! Or a third, fourth or fifth chance... since his over-the-top anger is obviously a pattern. And an extremely unhealthy and toxic one at that. He lost his temper, AGAIN, apparently over nothing, stomps around, yells, calls her down....she reacts by ending it (as well she should have!!)...and HE is the one who needs to give HER a second chance? Are you freaking kidding me? Something is very very wrong with this picture. OP, your only mistake was going back to him after he behaved like an asshat. YOU should have stayed away...until such time he came back to you assuring you he would seek help for HIS anger issues... which are destrying your relationship! It sounds like he is *punishing* you for breaking up with him. Now YOU feel guilty and are taking the blame. He *flipped the script* around to alleviate HIM having to take responsibility for HIS asshat behavior. When what you *should* have done is NOT gone back with him after you broke up with him... which would have allowed HIM to recognize how inappropriate HIS behavior is..and if he wanted your relationship to work, seek help for such inappropriate behavior! You peeps have got this all backward!!! Well said. I would be wary of any guy that has a bad temper/blows up. It's a very beta/manipulative trait to have.
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 He may be an abuser, I don't know, I would want the full story of this relationship before making a judgement call. But he is disrespecting her and if she can't train him, I agree she should break up with him. Let's just say, the way he's acting now, he's not the catch of the day. I would give him some space for up to a week. Maybe send him a basic text every two days, like, "Hope you are having a nice day!", or something like that. See if he initiates a talk or wants to see you. Make sure you see him in a week at most. Edit: - That's good, that means he's not an abuser. No!!! Don't send him anything! Especially any texts attempting to "make nice"! Are you the same Gary who posted on this board when I first joined this forum! Your posts as of late sound like a completely different person! 2
GemmaUK Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 OK, so he puts you down and also comes from an abusive background, all that on top of the anger issues. He is an abuser. Get out and stay out. You can't fix him and it will only get worse.
kendahke Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 he will start yelling, stomps around, smokes like a chimney, hasn't broke anything yet, but its a little scary. No, he hasn't threatened me, but yes he has called me down. call me lazy and makes me feel like I don't belong. ...with children in the house... This is a toxic environment and it sounds like you two bring out the worse in one another and put it on full display in front of your children, who deserve better than that out of their parents. If he makes you feel like you don't belong then perhaps you don't and you should be about the business of getting on with your life without him. Life is too short for this kind of BS, especially with children in the house. You two are incompatible if you can't get along with out all of this drama. You should be able to discuss your differences, not resort to stomping, yelling and threats of breaking up then rescinding the threat. That's just way too extra.
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Are you the same Gary who posted on this board when I first joined this forum! Your posts as of late sound like a completely different person! - No, I'm his evil twin Don't worry Katie, as the op posts more details, I'm leaning more toward your side. I don't like the fact that his tirades scare her.
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 We had a great relationship in the beginning, did stuff together, and took the kids out for camping and such. Then after he was laid off from his job, and I started working, its kind of become distant and fighting. We don't fight in front of the kids, its not their fault. I will admit, that when I started my new job I was trying to get a schedule for my life (before this job, I worked for my father from home) so I didn't really spend huge amounts of time with him, now that I am in a rhythm I am still making time for him and his son as well. But this fight all was built up from the fights from before. the arguments about little stuff (I.e. Me not stopping in at his place as much) them it blew up into a huge fight that I didn't know how else to react. but usually when he pull this sulking thing, it goes on for a couple hours and then is okay again, but this time hes not coming out if his sulk. the anger issues I am trying to help him work out. I am trying to help him with his son when I can as well. I don't want us to break up completely, but I need solid advice on why it is all my fault when he gets mad....
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 - No, I'm his evil twin Don't worry Katie, as the op posts more details, I'm leaning more toward your side. I don't like the fact that his tirades scare her. Okay but just so you know...it's not about your being on my side...in this thread or any thread. Many of your posts just sound different from when I first joined, that's all. The withholding sex, etc. Very different from your posts earlier. I dunno, maybe it's me. It's okay. I have many different facets to my personality..and depending on the day, my opinions about a particular topic can change like the wind. No worries Gary...it's all cool. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 We had a great relationship in the beginning, did stuff together, and took the kids out for camping and such. Then after he was laid off from his job, and I started working, its kind of become distant and fighting. We don't fight in front of the kids, its not their fault. I will admit, that when I started my new job I was trying to get a schedule for my life (before this job, I worked for my father from home) so I didn't really spend huge amounts of time with him, now that I am in a rhythm I am still making time for him and his son as well. But this fight all was built up from the fights from before. the arguments about little stuff (I.e. Me not stopping in at his place as much) them it blew up into a huge fight that I didn't know how else to react. but usually when he pull this sulking thing, it goes on for a couple hours and then is okay again, but this time hes not coming out if his sulk. the anger issues I am trying to help him work out. I am trying to help him with his son when I can as well. I don't want us to break up completely, but I need solid advice on why it is all my fault when he gets mad.... You can't fix a man. Many women have broken down trying.
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 We had a great relationship in the beginning, did stuff together, and took the kids out for camping and such. Then after he was laid off from his job, and I started working, its kind of become distant and fighting. We don't fight in front of the kids, its not their fault. I will admit, that when I started my new job I was trying to get a schedule for my life (before this job, I worked for my father from home) so I didn't really spend huge amounts of time with him, now that I am in a rhythm I am still making time for him and his son as well. But this fight all was built up from the fights from before. the arguments about little stuff (I.e. Me not stopping in at his place as much) them it blew up into a huge fight that I didn't know how else to react. but usually when he pull this sulking thing, it goes on for a couple hours and then is okay again, but this time hes not coming out if his sulk. the anger issues I am trying to help him work out. I am trying to help him with his son when I can as well. I don't want us to break up completely, but I need solid advice on why it is all my fault when he gets mad.... It's NOT all your fault...that's what we (or most of us) are trying to convey to you. You cannot change him...you can only change yourself and how you react to him. If you continue to blame yourself for HIS outbursts, HIS anger, and HIS overall dysfunctional way of treating you and dealing with the issues in your relationship...nothing will get resolved and in fact will only get worse! You need to stand up for yourself and tell him his anger, sulking, punishing tactics are unacceptable... and if he doesn't take steps to resolve within himself, you won't be sticking around. Take responsibility for YOUR role too..but it's not all your fault. I don't know why some women are so afraid to stand up for themselves in situations like this. That is how you earn a man's respect! And when your man respects you, he will treat you like gold! 1
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 It's NOT all your fault...that's what we (or most of us) are trying to convey to you. You cannot change him...you can only change yourself and how you react to him. If you continue to blame yourself for HIS outbursts, HIS anger, and HIS overall dysfunctional way of treating you and dealing with the issues in your relationship...nothing will get resolved and in fact will only get worse! You need to stand up for yourself and tell him his anger, sulking, punishing tactics are unacceptable... and if he doesn't take steps to resolve within himself, you won't be sticking around. Take responsibility for YOUR role too..but it's not all your fault. I don't know why some women are so afraid to stand up for themselves in situations like this. That is how you earn a man's respect! And when your man respects you, he will treat you like gold! you are right... this has got to stop. I just had a discussion with him about all of this and how hes made me feel and what I will do to change my reactions (like quickly ending it!) Katie, you were right, the minute I stood up to him and stated exactly what was up, he started spilling it all out, that he was upset about losing his job, and trying to make sure we still had time together as well as time apart, he was trying to push me away anyways. Yes I know he is abusive, And I also know I cant change him. But I do know he is willing to seek out help to get that sorted out. 2
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 But I do know he is willing to seek out help to get that sorted out. - you are both going through life changes and he's stressed. Which is still no excuse for him disrespecting you, I'm just sayin'. If he's willing to go to counseling, you have an ace in the hole, support him - a lot of guys won't go, they don't like to go to the doctor. A counselor can help, they are very skilled in this area. We want to save relationships when we can.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 you are right... this has got to stop. I just had a discussion with him about all of this and how hes made me feel and what I will do to change my reactions (like quickly ending it!) Katie, you were right, the minute I stood up to him and stated exactly what was up, he started spilling it all out, that he was upset about losing his job, and trying to make sure we still had time together as well as time apart, he was trying to push me away anyways. Yes I know he is abusive, And I also know I cant change him. But I do know he is willing to seek out help to get that sorted out. Good for you stepping up for yourself. Don't be one of the silent victims who does nothing.
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Well, he did watch his dad beat the crap out of his mom and says he would never do that... now I am really thinking maybe I am wrong to even try to go back to this.. The fact he said he would never do that means nothing! My ex saw his father abuse his mother, my ex use to put down abusers, told everyone these men were weak, deserved to beat up, etc, That did not keep him from hitting me in the face with his fist when I was 8 month pregnant.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 In my opinion, and I'm not a doctor at all, I think it's fair to say, That an angry individual is not automatically abusive in every way. Is there a high probability that anger often preludes abuse? Absolutely, it's a warning sign for those whose thinking isn't obtuse. However, an angry individual can still have values he respects, Even if he lashes out and then soon finds himself in regret, I am an angry individual, although I do hide it quite well, But I dare not hit a woman, that's borderline to being in hell. Training someone to deal with anger isn't easy, you have your work ahead, But I'm happy you're fighting for him rather than leaving him instead. However, should an angry outburst ever resort to becoming violent, I hope you speak out rather than running and becoming silent.
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 In my opinion, and I'm not a doctor at all, I think it's fair to say, That an angry individual is not automatically abusive in every way. Is there a high probability that anger often preludes abuse? Absolutely, it's a warning sign for those whose thinking isn't obtuse. However, an angry individual can still have values he respects, Even if he lashes out and then soon finds himself in regret, I am an angry individual, although I do hide it quite well, But I dare not hit a woman, that's borderline to being in hell. Training someone to deal with anger isn't easy, you have your work ahead, But I'm happy you're fighting for him rather than leaving him instead. However, should an angry outburst ever resort to becoming violent, I hope you speak out rather than running and becoming silent. Why are you *happy* she is closing to stay with a man who *verbally* abuses her? I don't understand that logic, can you explain the rationale behind that statement? Thanks s bunch...,
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) Why are you *happy* she is closing to stay with a man who *verbally* abuses her? I don't understand that logic, can you explain the rationale behind that statement? Thanks s bunch..., It was my impression, and her own posts that I've read, That it was't always like this, but rather just recently instead. She noted in the beginning, it was great and it wasn't abusive at all, Only after this recent argument was the beginning of the fall. Furthermore, she recently posted about how they had a talk about their life, She noted he was stressed due to the life circumstances, and he reacted in strife. I commend her for helping him in commanding his anger and outrage, But I don't for a second think if nothing changes or it turns violent, she should stay. Everyone is so quick so just walk out that door, when things aren't so perfect, and it's not a perfect situation or score. He's an angry individual, but that isn't an incurable disease to say the least, And to stand up and fight for him is a feat I approve of, even if others say to flee. To judge an entire relationship by 1 episode brought on by stress, Is like reading 1 chapter, then asking for the test. If this is re-occuring theme that keeps showing up in fights, Then yes, maybe it is time to move on and turn off the "relationship lights". Edited April 7, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes added the last rhyme. 1
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 It was my impression, and her own posts that I've read, That it was't always like this, but rather just recently instead. She noted in the beginning, it was great and it wasn't abusive at all, Only after this recent argument was the beginning of the fall. Furthermore, she recently posted about how they had a talk about their life, She noted he was stressed due to the life circumstances, and he reacted in strife. I commend her for helping him in commanding his anger and outrage, But I don't for a second think if nothing changes or it turns violent, she should stay. Everyone is so quick so just walk out that door, when things aren't so perfect, and it's not a perfect situation or score. He's an angry individual, but that isn't an incurable disease to say the least, And to stand up and fight for him is a feat I approve of, even if others say to flee. To judge an entire relationship by 1 episode brought on by stress, Is like reading 1 chapter, then asking for the test. If this is re-occuring theme that keeps showing up in fights, Then yes, maybe it is time to move on and turn off the "relationship lights". No it wasn't just one time or recently, it's become a pattern. Read her post no. 15. That, dear DrRiR, is what is commonly referred to as "verbal" and "emotional" abuse. Why stick around waiting for it to become physical? It may NEVER become physical..it doesn't have to. The verbal abuse is toxic and dysfunctional enough... and is, or should be, a clear message that she needs to worry about and protect *herself* fom such verbal abuse...which often times is MORE insidious and does more *emotional* damage than physical abuse! Let him worry and resolve his own dysfunctional issues... later on, if he gets help and can prove to her he is healthy and functional, THEN they can discuss giving this another shot. But that takes ALOT of introspection on his part.. and will take a long time, if ever, to resolve. OP, you take care of YOU! You are not his mother, his therapist, or his nursemaid. JMO...
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) No it wasn't just one time or recently, it's become a pattern. Read her post no. 15. That, dear DrRiR, is what is commonly referred to as "verbal" and "emotional" abuse. Why stick around waiting for it to become physical? It may NEVER become physical..it doesn't have to. The verbal abuse is toxic and dysfunctional enough... and is, or should be, a clear message that she needs to worry about and protect *herself* fom such verbal abuse...which often times is MORE insidious and does more *emotional* damage than physical abuse! Let him worry and resolve his own dysfunctional issues... later on, if he gets help and can prove to her he is healthy and functional, THEN they can discuss giving this another shot. But that takes ALOT of introspection on his part.. and will take a long time, if ever, to resolve. OP, you take care of YOU! You are not his mother, his therapist, or his nursemaid. JMO... I agree with most of your post, I truly do and I see, however, the post you referenced is that of single event, right? I think? Sure, there are men who may never get vocal when being in a rage, That's just as dysfunctional, withholding all that anger in a cage. As I said before, to insinuate she's being abused from a few stressful events? I do agree it was disrespectful, and as I said, if it continues forth hence, Then she should absolutely leave, as she's brought it up to him in plain view, Its up to him to make that change, and it seems that's what they've decided to do. Edited April 7, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes "they've decided, not she"
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I agree with most of your post, I truly do and I see, however, the post you referenced is that of single event, right? I think? Sure, there are men who may never get vocal when being in a rage, That's just as dysfunctional, withholding all that anger in a cage. As I said before, to insinuate she's being abused from a few stressful events? I do agree it was disrespectful, and as I said, if it continues forth hence, Then she should absolutely leave, as she's brought it up to him in plain view, Its up to him to make that change, and it seems that's what they've decided to do. No it wasn't a single event, his anger, yelling, stomping around, putting her down has beecome a pattern, ongoing. Read the rest of her posts.
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 No it wasn't a single event, his anger, yelling, stomping around, putting her down has beecome a pattern, ongoing. Read the rest of her posts. I advised her earlier to stand up to him, which she has done, and should continue to do..it seemed to have helped. I hope it sticks...
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 DrRiR, just so you know... being verbally attacked... for whatever reason (stress, etc) ... just ONCE ...is considered verbal abuse. It does not have to be a pattern to be considered abuse. ONE time is enough. To suggest otherwise is really quite ignorant...no offense.
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Well it sounds like she took your advice and he responded well to it Katie... time will tell. Good job super star !
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Well it sounds like she took your advice and he responded well to it Katie... time will tell. Good job super star ! I know she did....like I said to Dr R, I hope it sticks! And hey! You stole my bunny!!! Lol. :bunny:
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Hmm.. I see what you're saying, maybe I'm just abusive as you define, I've learned harder lessons in weirder ways, I still feel I turned out fine. I do have anger issues, and try not to take it out on those that I love, but to change an entire way of life is no feat that just "comes from above". I do hope things turn out for the best, even if I am wrong, Although I fail to see where I will always be strong, In a moment of rage, its very easy to lose control, to hurt those you love, and regret it deeply in your soul. I speak from experience, as you can probably tell, It's something that maybe I should stop and think and maybe dwell, To think something is ok, when most people disagree... I'll take it to heart, I won't chalk it up to falling out of different trees.
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Hmm.. I see what you're saying, maybe I'm just abusive as you define, I've learned harder lessons in weirder ways, I still feel I turned out fine. I do have anger issues, and try not to take it out on those that I love, but to change an entire way of life is no feat that just "comes from above". I do hope things turn out for the best, even if I am wrong, Although I fail to see where I will always be strong, In a moment of rage, its very easy to lose control, to hurt those you love, and regret it deeply in your soul. I speak from experience, as you can probably tell, It's something that maybe I should stop and think and maybe dwell, To think something is ok, when most people disagree... I'll take it to heart, I won't chalk it up to falling out of different trees. Yes I could tell....but *acknowledgment* is the first step toward *resolution*.... so keep acknowledging, learning and growing...and you'll be okay... If there are anger management classes in your area, you might try that, if you haven't already. Good luck! ((hugs))
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