Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Okay, I had a huge fight with my boyfriend. I was all emotional and said that we needed to break up. I realized my mistake and yesterday morning I went to his house (he didn't invite me, his mom did.) He said okay, and I guess it was fixed. So h was acting all distant, and I have a ring he gave me awhile back and I was upset and threw it in his room, he made me go get it and wouldn't let me leave without it. He told me its because he still loves me. I had to go to a family get together so I was leaving, he hugged me and kissed my forehead... he never used to do that. So all day he wasn't acting the same, no texts, and even if there was there was no babe no nothing in it. He invited me over for a "movie" night. So I obviously spent the night, and got up to go to work this morning. He kissed me good bye and that was it... What I am wondering is.... there someone else already? does he just think of us as "that" kind of relationship? oh and we have been together for a year, and we have kids (not together) that adore eachother.
kendahke Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Why does there have to be someone else? Why can't you allow for the fact that you said something extremely hurtful to him on purpose (to hurt him) and he's not walked it off to your satisfaction yet? He may be determining the wisdom in being with someone who fights with him and tells him that they need to break up. Meanwhile, stop letting your mouth write checks your feelings can't cash. 4
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Well you screwed up by breaking up with him on a whim. He has a right to be upset/distant and you're going to have to work to get his trust back. He is probably thinking, "If she could break up with me this easy right now, what will stop her again down the road?" - you need to reassure him.
GemmaUK Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I agree with the above. What was the argument about? Is it normal for you to freak out in that way?
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 As I read this, your behavior was so childish, I was thinking we're dealing with teenage puppy love here, but not, you're both adults and with children on top of that. * What was the argument about? Your boyfriend reacted like any other boyfriend would have when dealing with a little drama queen. What you did was extremely juvenile. He's probably wondering how much longer he can deal with your temper. 1
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Barcode is right. One of the things guys hate the most is disloyalty.... telling him you wanted to breakup during a heated argument was a low blow. The guy went into his cave. Read the book Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus.
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 The fight was about his anger... he has a temper that goes from 0 to 1000 in 2.5 seconds. and yes your right, I did react really quick about that. but we have fought a lot lately, and its been little stuff.
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 The fight was about his anger... he has a temper that goes from 0 to 1000 in 2.5 seconds. and yes your right, I did react really quick about that. but we have fought a lot lately, and its been little stuff. What doe she do when his temper goes from 0 to 1000 ?
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Well you screwed up by breaking up with him on a whim. He has a right to be upset/distant and you're going to have to work to get his trust back. He is probably thinking, "If she could break up with me this easy right now, what will stop her again down the road?" - you need to reassure him. I agree, it was a screw up, and I don't know how to gain his trust back. I made a point of talking about everything with him, and I have tried to stop about the little things.
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 What doe she do when his temper goes from 0 to 1000 ? are you talking what do I do? Because when he gets mad, I don't try to get in the middle, I try to even it out and ask him to calm down, then he goes and sulks which then makes me wonder what is really happening.
GemmaUK Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Sounds like you are both pretty similar and it's likely only to become more toxic. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 The fight was about his anger... he has a temper that goes from 0 to 1000 in 2.5 seconds. and yes your right, I did react really quick about that. but we have fought a lot lately, and its been little stuff. He could be re-evaluating the relationship. If you've been fighting a lot lately and then you broke up with him on a whim, it's normal that he's being a bit distant. Give him some time and space to process. If he truly has anger issues, you should be using this time to consider whether he's a compatible partner for you too.
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I want to know what HE does when his temper goes from 0 to 1000. Does he yell? does he break things? does he call you names? does he threat you?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I agree, it was a screw up, and I don't know how to gain his trust back. I made a point of talking about everything with him, and I have tried to stop about the little things. Look. We don't know if it was a mistake or not. If he's blowing up on you and has a temper, that's generally NOT a good thing even if you're aggravating him. A guy should be able to keep his cool during an argument. How bad are his blow ups? Why? You two might be best apart if you have a dysfunctional relationship - although I think he deserved an actual discussion - unless he was being physically or verbally abusive towards you. 1
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 he will start yelling, stomps around, smokes like a chimney, hasn't broke anything yet, but its a little scary. No, he hasn't threatened me, but yes he has called me down. call me lazy and makes me feel like I don't belong. *side note* when he did that the last time, I was helping him out, babysitting his son and cleaning house, and making sure his cousin got to school all while he was working, and even when he got home at night I would still look after his son.
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 The fight was about his anger... he has a temper that goes from 0 to 1000 in 2.5 seconds. - You need to train him not to do that. The next time he does it, cut off sex. When he asks, "What's wrong"?, then he will be ready to really listen to your needs and be ready to change. For best results, it has to be their own idea. But you can't threaten to break up, you are just making the situation worse. And now he is pouting... this is not the best behavior, but the majority of guys do it. This is one area men and women are different. Women like to tend and mend, to talk things out. Men like to go away and work their problems out alone, in their own head. The book I mentioned is all about this one little difference between men and women. Some of the best couples/marriages out there, only have a handful of arguments per year. They sit down and calmly discuss things. They know that relationships are give-and-take. They are both easy to get along with, the opposite of hot-heads. He's a hot-head. You have to reacting the way you do, trying to one-up him, and train him. It won't be easy, but the rewards are great, good relationships are worth it.
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 So what... I should wait until he texts me, and then talk about this? because I usually am the one who talks anyways.
Vintage79 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 If I was the guy, I wouldn't give you a second chance (i.e. you were extremely childish - at least in breaking up and wanting to get right back together - breaking up in itself isn't childish - it's the instant backpeddle). If I were you, I'd likely pay attention to my actions and move on (your actions to breakup were justified). Both perspectives point to splitting up - get comfortable with not being with him, as if you stay together now, it doesn't sound like it's destined to last long.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 he will start yelling, stomps around, smokes like a chimney, hasn't broke anything yet, but its a little scary. No, he hasn't threatened me, but yes he has called me down. call me lazy and makes me feel like I don't belong. *side note* when he did that the last time, I was helping him out, babysitting his son and cleaning house, and making sure his cousin got to school all while he was working, and even when he got home at night I would still look after his son. Why do you still want to be with him? What is making you stay?
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 he will start yelling, stomps around, smokes like a chimney, hasn't broke anything yet, but its a little scary. No, he hasn't threatened me, but yes he has called me down. call me lazy and makes me feel like I don't belong. *side note* when he did that the last time, I was helping him out, babysitting his son and cleaning house, and making sure his cousin got to school all while he was working, and even when he got home at night I would still look after his son. How long have you been dating him? Listen to me well. Yes I have dealt with this before. Your man is an abuser. It's how it starts. He slowly escalate his aggressiveness to push your limit a little further, then first thing you know you're in a full blown abusive relationship. He has already started putting you down and there you are still standing by his side. This will escalate to physical abuse soon. Break up with him
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 We have been together for a year. I am a little weary on leaving him because it seems like there has been more good times then bad.. Well, he did watch his dad beat the crap out of his mom and says he would never do that... now I am really thinking maybe I am wrong to even try to go back to this..
Author Jessabelle Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Why do you still want to be with him? What is making you stay? Our kids get along, and I love his son. I love him too, but I don't know if that's real or if its what I think should happen given the circumstances of our past together.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 We have been together for a year. I am a little weary on leaving him because it seems like there has been more good times then bad.. Well, he did watch his dad beat the crap out of his mom and says he would never do that... now I am really thinking maybe I am wrong to even try to go back to this.. Just because he's seen that doesn't mean he won't do it. Honestly it could have subconsciously led him to believe that it was common/normal. Everyone has good/bad times, but when there is verbal/physical abuse, or the threat of imminent abuse, I think that's crossing the line. Most normal guys who are confident/alpha won't need to scream/shout/throw things to make their point with you - this guy sounds weak. Do what you will, but I'd recommend you evaluate why you dumped him in the first place even more closely - you might not have been as stupid as you tried to make us believe at first 1
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) He may be an abuser, I don't know, I would want the full story of this relationship before making a judgement call. But he is disrespecting her and if she can't train him, I agree she should break up with him. Let's just say, the way he's acting now, he's not the catch of the day. I would give him some space for up to a week. Maybe send him a basic text every two days, like, "Hope you are having a nice day!", or something like that. See if he initiates a talk or wants to see you. Make sure you see him in a week at most. Edit: Well, he did watch his dad beat the crap out of his mom and says he would never do that - That's good, that means he's not an abuser. Edited April 6, 2015 by Gary S
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) If I was the guy, I wouldn't give you a second chance (i.e. you were extremely childish - at least in breaking up and wanting to get right back together - breaking up in itself isn't childish - it's the instant backpeddle). If I were you, I'd likely pay attention to my actions and move on (your actions to breakup were justified). Both perspectives point to splitting up - get comfortable with not being with him, as if you stay together now, it doesn't sound like it's destined to last long. You wouldn't give HER a second chance? How about HER not giving HIM a second chance?! Or a third, fourth or fifth chance... since his over-the-top anger is obviously a pattern. And an extremely unhealthy and toxic one at that. He lost his temper, AGAIN, apparently over nothing, stomps around, yells, calls her down....she reacts by ending it (as well she should have!!)...and HE is the one who needs to give HER a second chance? Are you freaking kidding me? Something is very very wrong with this picture. OP, your only mistake was going back to him after he behaved like an asshat. YOU should have stayed away...until such time he came back to you assuring you he would seek help for HIS anger issues... which are destrying your relationship! It sounds like he is *punishing* you for breaking up with him. Now YOU feel guilty and are taking the blame. He *flipped the script* around to alleviate HIM having to take responsibility for HIS asshat behavior. When what you *should* have done is NOT gone back with him after you broke up with him... which would have allowed HIM to recognize how inappropriate HIS behavior is..and if he wanted your relationship to work, seek help for such inappropriate behavior! You peeps have got this all backward!!! Edited April 6, 2015 by katiegrl 1
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