sweetxnovember Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I’m 23 years old right now, and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for about a year and a half now. Prior to this relationship, I was with my ex for 3 years (from the age of 18 to 21) and he was my first ever boyfriend. Undoubtedly, I was very immature, inexperienced and made stupid choices within my first relationship. Additionally, I’ve been raised to be very dependent on my parents (a cultural thing) and my parents have always made/influenced my decisions in life. I was very in love with my ex, and told my parents about him – however, my parents disapproved of my decision to settle down with my ex. Despite my parents disapproval, I continued the relationship hoping my parents would change their mind. 3 years passed, but my parents had the same perspective and I did not feel I could go against their desires. I’ve been raised with the mindset that if my parents aren’t happy, there’s no way I could find happiness without their blessings. As a result of which, I tried to break up with my ex several times, but we’d end up together again. About a year and a half ago, however, my current boyfriend came into my life, and I started to lean on him for support. It was selfish and stupid of me, but I would like to make it clear that it was long before my current boyfriend came into the picture that my ex and I had established that our relationship wouldn’t work it. It was horrible of me, but when my current boyfriend came into my life, I felt that it would be easier to overcome breaking up with my ex. Things between my ex and I ended, and I jumped into the relationship with my current boyfriend, hoping I wouldn’t feel the pain of ending things with my ex. It’s been more than a year since my ex and I stopped talking, but I did message him once last summer telling him how remorseful I was for my behavior. He responded saying unless I wanted to be his gf again, there wasn’t any point of me messaging him. Nevertheless, despite being with my current boyfriend, I’ve never stopped thinking about my ex or feeling guilty for my behavior. I feel like such a bad person, and I’ve been extremely miserable ever since things ended between us. I will never forgive myself for what I did, and I’ll probably beat myself over this for life. I’m in such a mess now though because my current boyfriend loves me very much – he definitely loves me even more than my ex loved me. He’s even proposed to me already, and our engagement party date is set for next month. But I feel guilty for even wanting to get engaged because I feel like I’m betraying my ex. I don’t even know what’s going on in my ex’s life, for all I know, he could be really happy, but I don’t know what to do with myself. Going back to my ex, means shattering my current boyfriend in the way I once shattered my ex – and then feeling guilty for that for the rest of my life. And being with my current boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter means living with the guilt of how I treated my ex. I don’t know what I want to do, or what I need. I feel like reaching out to my ex again and just telling him how much I love him, and how miserable I’ve been. I’m just an emotional mess right now, any insight would be great.
mammasita Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 What you need to do is not become engaged to marry a man who you are not in love with, because you clearly do not love this man. If you proceed, you are setting the both of you up to waste years of your lives. 6
organizedchaos Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Hm, rebounded with current bf. Not over ex 23 Second relationship ever Engaged Does any of this sound like a good idea for getting married??? 4
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You cannot marry your current BF. It's not fair to anybody & is a recipe for disaster. Talk to your parents. Explain that you are still in love with your EX. Learn exactly why they didn't like him. You may never get him back because why would he subject himself to the possibility that you will buckle under to external pressures & break his heart again but you should be able to grow from the experience.
Author sweetxnovember Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Hm, rebounded with current bf. Not over ex 23 Second relationship ever Engaged Does any of this sound like a good idea for getting married??? Even if I get engaged, I am not going to get married until I have all my feelings sorted out. I just get influenced and pressured really easily - and now that my parents are involved with this whole engagement thing, I feel even more pressured to just go with it for now.
BlackbirdSong Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Don't get engaged. Break it off and seek out your true love. 1
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 End things with your current boyfriend. You're not being fair to him and he deserves a girl that wants to be with him because there's no other place she would rather be than with him. He deserves at least that much.
Author sweetxnovember Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 I'm not really concerned about the situation with my current boyfriend right now. I'm just confused as to how I should deal with my ex situation - a year later...? Should I let these feelings die out, or act on them by contacting him and then making the best decision?
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm not really concerned about the situation with my current boyfriend right now. I'm just confused as to how I should deal with my ex situation - a year later...? Should I let these feelings die out, or act on them by contacting him and then making the best decision? You cannot contact your EX about reconciliation while still dating your current BF. That is akin to cheating. I think when you reach out to your EX & he rejects you now for being too weak to stick up for him & fight for your relationship back then you will have lost both him & your current BF. You need to break up with your current BF because at best he's a back up plan. He deserves better. Then you can spend some time alone figuring out what you want in life. 3
Seeker12 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Take Donnivains advice (she advised me on my situation too) but also the other posters have given you pearls of wisdom for free, OP im in a similar situation with my ex, what you need to do is step away and be alone so you can figure out what you want without any emotion. You havent, even though you thought you did, got over your ex, and the situation right now can only mean one thing, your on a crash course to divorce.
seminoles84 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You are too dependent on having a BF, clearly. You should try being alone and not figuring yourself out first before consider contacting your ex or even being engaged to this new BF. Good luck. 3
CarrieT Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Even if I get engaged, I am not going to get married until I have all my feelings sorted out. Really, REALLY stupid logic. And here is why: I just get influenced and pressured really easily - and now that my parents are involved with this whole engagement thing, I feel even more pressured to just go with it for now. If you are feeling pressured to just "go with it [getting engaged] for now" - why do you believe you are NOT going to feel pressure to go along with the WEDDING? Don't you see that? If you don't have the backbone to NOT get engaged until you sort out your feelings, how are you going to have the strength to NOT get married!?!?! 2
stillafool Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm not really concerned about the situation with my current boyfriend right now. I'm just confused as to how I should deal with my ex situation - a year later...? Should I let these feelings die out, or act on them by contacting him and then making the best decision? Do not get engaged because you are not in love with this guy. Do not contact your ex because regardless of what he says you will do what your parents tell you to do anyway. More than likely he has already moved on with someone else by now anyway. I suggest you be alone until you meet someone you and your parents will love equally.
organizedchaos Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Even if I get engaged, I am not going to get married until I have all my feelings sorted out. I just get influenced and pressured really easily - and now that my parents are involved with this whole engagement thing, I feel even more pressured to just go with it for now. Ok, let's add this to the list of reasons why you getting engaged is a bad, bad idea. Who gets engaged when they're still hung up on their ex? How is this even remotely fair to your current bf? You really do have a lot of growing up to do. 2
Ruby65 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Has your current boyfriend even asked you to marry him? That's what being engaged means. I'm not sure how you can be "about to be getting engaged".... unless you mean exclusively dating, which frankly isn't the same kind of lifetime commitment.
BC1980 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm not really concerned about the situation with my current boyfriend right now. I'm just confused as to how I should deal with my ex situation - a year later...? Should I let these feelings die out, or act on them by contacting him and then making the best decision? You're not really concerned about the current situation with your BF? What? That's a big part of the issue here. Also, he's a person too, so maybe you should be concerned that he is under the impression you want to get married. Maybe you should think about his feelings too. Don't contact your ex until you take care of your current relationship. Break it off before you even consider contacting your ex. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You need to be a mature adult and deal with this ASAP before you trash 3 lives. How would you feel if someone did this to you?? Unbelievable 3
TunaCat Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You should have never let things get this serious with the boyfriend if you weren't over the ex. It's not fair to the current boyfriend and if you truly wanted to marry him, your ex would be the furthest thing from your mind. End it with the current boyfriend, but don't pursue the ex. You are an adult and you need to start acting like it. 3
WhiteKnighter Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Has your current boyfriend even asked you to marry him? That's what being engaged means. I'm not sure how you can be "about to be getting engaged".... unless you mean exclusively dating, which frankly isn't the same kind of lifetime commitment. This is what I was wondering, too...
gnick Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Regardless of your situation you are a 23 year old female. Don't get married to anyone.date around have fun and figure things out 1
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