chrisssan Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 About 10 days ago, my ex girlfriend(18) dumped me(19). It was very surprising because my ex was very clingy and very infatuated with me. When we broke up she said she is no longer in love with me and just want to stay as friends. Here is the story. So last October, I met my ex for the first time and I was attracted towards her. But, we really started meeting mid November. She showed sign of wanting to be in relationship with me but i pretended to not notice it, because I wasn't so sure if I was ready for relationship or not. After Thanksgiving break, she flat out said that she wanted to have me as her boyfriend and I said yes. Turns out, she told her best friends that I wasn't interested in her after all her advance and cried about it. Anyways, we were very happy and after finals, she wanted to bring me to her hometown(NYC) for her birthday. She lied to her parents just to be able to be with me. I was really in love with her, so I decided to go. At the city, she said she's been cheated in all her past relationship and wasn't so sure if she wanted to fall in love with me. She was conflicted about how she really liked me but was scared of being hurt again. She said she is emotionally fragile and very needy. Regardless of what she said, I told her I love her for who she is. Everything was like honeymoon and we were very happy. I had to go back after her birthday and we met again the day before second Semester. We were very happy and I moved into her room to satisfy her needs. After about 2 weeks, I rushed for a fraternity because of my close friends in the fraternity. Because my ex wanted to go out but didn't know how to, I brought her. There, she met a charming fraternity member and my co-rushes and got into small troubles, she accidentally kissed a guy because he set her up. She was very sorry about it and became distressed, thinking I would leave her. I forgave her although I was very sad, and she started to seeing the guys she met at my rush. I told her I want her to go out and have fun, so she would sometimes go over to those guys place and hang out. I knew she was loyal and it didnt bother me until..... I developed a depression. I developed a depression halfway through February due to my family problem, my mentor passing away, and school etc. Also, I've cut off most contact with my friends to spend more time with her, so not socializing affected the depression even further. With all these problems, I've started to keep everything to myself by isolating myself and stopped talking to people, even to my ex. I only talked to her during weekends and that wasn't enough since my ex is a very needy and clingy girl. She started to hang out with the guys she met at rush more often. After my depression started, that started bugging me to the point I would get paranoid. With all these problems, I still didnt tell her anything because I didnt' want to look weak. Also, I started to let my problem out passive aggressively on her. I would tell her I want to break up even though I didn't mean it because I didnt like the fact that she resorted on talking to my co-rush and the fraternity member i rushed for. She would always cling on to me and let me do whatever I wanted after, even though I didn't ask for anything. I knew what i was doing, and I wanted to apologize and tell her all my problems but I was too scared if she would just dump then. Then spring break came, and I saw my ex when she came back on Saturday. We made out and I was really happy, because I hit the worst point of my depression during Spring Break. But that week, I visibly showed how sad I was even if i tried to conceal it. She was very distressed week after week and almost reached her limit. I stopped talking to her again because I was stressed out about my depression and my guilt for putting my problems on her. Next Thursday, which is about a week ago, I saw her on a hallway, trying to talk to me, but I ended up just passing by. Later that day, she dumped me, saying She no longer is in love with me and can't continue the relationship. I said yes to her break up from being astonished, and I left her room with many regrets. I contacted her the day after, beggin for her to take me back. I ended up crying but she refused every time and said we should stay as friends. Which hurt my feeling a lot because a person who went through so much trouble for me suddenly lost all the spark for me. I became emotionaly unstalbe and tried to NC her, but her msg me break it every single time. next saturday, I went to party, but she invited me to her pre-gaming. I went and ended up keep asking her to give me a chance to convince her to take me back again. She got annoyed and she started making me jealous by flirting with every guys she saw and dancing with them. I got drunk and got in a fight with her and ended up calling her a bitch and left with many regret. I apologized her right after the party. I told her "I would focus on studying and stop talking to her until I can think properly and keep my emotion under control". She said she is okay with it. So here begins my 2 weeks of NC. But I don't know how NC could bring her back when I neglected her to leave me. I still love her despite all the pains I have. Every time I thought about all the pains I caused her, it hurts me even more, because I neglected her and hurt her while i was sleeping with her. She won't give me a chance because I've hurt her and she doesn't feel what she felt before in me. She said she still likes me but she just can't continue being in relationship. I want her to take me back. Can anyone give me advice? I want to know what I should tell her to give me a chance to convince her to take me back. I think if she really felt my pain and what I went through, she would have given my second chance. I simply think she is afraid of goign through being neglected again. Please give me some advice TL;DR : I developed a problem and i let it affect her as well as putting it out on her passively. It hurt her and she lost her feeling for me and broke up with me. She says she wants to stay friends and still likes me. But I got into a trouble at a party with her. So I'm starting NC and hoping to get my mind clear. Can anyone give me advice on what to say to her after NC?
Twigyy Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 There is nothing to say to her. There is no such thing as after NC. NC is not a method to get your ex back. It is for you to spend some time alone, understand what happened and learn. Looks like she is trying to make you her safety net, if things don't work out, which is being friend. NC means no reply when she calls or messages, means block off on social networks, no bird feeding news. Only when she begs you back then you consider, which means no replying to breadcrumbs. You'll see all her actions. Her hanging out at the same place when she's with you is a big red flag. Learn how to set boundaries. you also seem to have the nice guy syndrome. You'll also have to see what exactly happened. She dumped you, and hang out with new guys, followed by you begging her back and apologising. It is very disrespectful to yourself. 1
LibraLover Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You're not the only one with kind of problem. Keeping emotions stable is not easy, can make you go into depression, you start judging yourself and you think you are the reason of everything being bad, you were the cause of things to fail, etc, etc. Did you already had the though that you will be alone for the rest of your life? that girl is the only one for you? She is everything you like in a woman/girl? etc, etc. Thrust me, been there done that, the world is filled with all times some woman at all ages and cultures, just explore a bit and you will see. When i was around 12/13 yrs old i had an almost exact problem (in the same town) and got depressed for a few years and then "woke up" (around my initial 20's), went against my own thoughts of self pity and as soon as i notice i started viewing that girl was just a girl, how could i think all that stuff the way i though, called myself a stupid idiot and got a bit regret with the time i lost because of her (at an older age i "saw" i didn't lost time, i learned something )...So in the middle of it i got a second girlfriend and everything about the other one just disappeared, so i though "getting a new girl is the best way to pass the other one", which was, apparently true, until this second girl dumped me, then everything started again and again, same feelings, revenge, regret, neediness, apologies, but this time, instead of getting depressed about it i started to understand the feelings diferently and viewing things as normal to happen (yet another think i learned and i feel appreciated by it)... if a person doesn't want you, leave it be, don't try to impress or prove anything to anyone, be yourself and what who wish and deserve will eventually show up (sometimes you are so clouded that what you need is in front of your eyes and can't see it ) i'm with 30 years old now and recuperating from a lost in relationship with an ex-girlfriend from a 5 years relationship with lots of plans already in motion, like home together and even kids and so on. It's a kind of pain heavier than the one you are having right now, and i'm just saying this, so that you know it's normal, it's life, and your not alone in those kind of feelings.... At younger ages is very normal for some girls to "jump" from one boyfriend to another, sadly, most of them do that and get extremely emotional because they have some huge problem with themselves, but some do it for the fun of it, the fun of live, just like many boys do when they chase several girls (which i consider very healthy for both genders in this case)... My advice is, leave her be and don't worry about her, don't blame yourself in a harsh way, learn from it, don't be afraid of the feelings you have, just accept them and let time heal it up, keep doing what you love and like, keep being yourself and defending your point of views (just don't be stubborn and jerk, always listen to others opinions with respect). Oh and getting a new girl is never a solution to pass pain from a previous one, by doing that you will hurt the new girl, you need to heal by yourself, don't try to be on a love relationship if you still on the previous girl (when the time is right you will know it ) and keep meeting people of all types and flavors, enrich your life the way you love it
Ruby65 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Friendship isn't really possible though until there's no romantic feelings left between you. Here's a guide that will help you with healing and understanding what NC is and how it can help you to move on faster: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you! Keep posting. Edited April 9, 2015 by Ruby65
thora-tiki Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Hi, chrisssan Welcome to the forum. I can totally relate. I am on day one, of my second round of no contact with the same ex-hole. Yes, it gets better. But not in the way we are used to things getting better. I am having a bad day as well. Just got dumped today. No contact can be painful, but the pain will fade, and your life will get better - much, much better. In time you will discover the «true character» inside both of you, and find out what you're both made of. I believe people when they say it will get better with time. But the sucky thing about time - is that it takes time. I try to feel different, instead of great. I try to feel less depressed, instead of super. If we accept that this is a slow process, we'll be surprised at how quickly we will heal. Personally can't wait until that magic moment when it won't even occur to me to think about my stupid-dildo-faced-ex, much less what he is doing. For me, therapy is a lifesaver. I go weekly to my therapist. Like you my ex plagues my thoughts constantly. My head is still spinning and obsession and yearning after HIM! We just have to make new memories to make the old ones fade a bit. And I know we will get there. In time ... Don't worry about the past, let it go, and focus completely on the present, and sticking to no contact. As you know you are a warrior and warriors also get hurt and kicked down, but what makes them warriors is their ability to get back up and fight even if they have are down. What do you like to do, or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before? Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.
mikeveli4g Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Chrissan Definitely sympathizing with you homey. No contact is a gamble but believe me the LESS YOU SAY... THE BETTER THE SITUATION WILL BE going forward between the two of you. Give her time to miss you and let these other guys play her for a fool because at your age it happens ALL THE DAMN TIME. During your time of despair, I encourage you to get a composition book and write your thoughts down if you get the urge to call, text or email her. I know it sounds corny... but it WORKS. You can write down what you want to say in the form of a letter or write like "Doug" did it back in the day. (Google Doug Funnie if your too young to remember lol). I wish I had done this more during my recent break up and may have had a better outcome. If it makes you feel any better, I went through similar drama with friends and family problems during my relationship. and here's the kicker: I was engaged to a woman who I still consider the love of my life and shortly after we split she's already in another relationship. Prior to that, I begged, pleaded, cried and obviously was angry and said things I shouldn't have said because she pretty much went "Dear John" on me to the third degree and when I tried to put things to rest peacefully she kept using the dagger to make the pain worse. I've never felt so devastated and cried for months and to this day every now and then it hits me but I'm better and just having fun making the best of what blessings and life brings my way at the ancient age of 33. Sorry to make this long but keep in mind my friend... YOU ARE 19!!!! You are good... the game doesn't get real until you're 25 and if you are a FRAT guy, women will come at you left and right. When the pain eases up and time takes it's place (I know it sucks), go out there and have a good time champ. As the others said... it's gets better and eventually you will find something better or she will return. Time my dude... that's all it takes and I'm not sure what side of the world you are on but if you're in the states... it's summer time homey. Best time to get back and start over. Peace and Love my dude.
Recommended Posts