ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I decided in my infinite wisdom after reading here to try actually improve my situation, make a few changes and this is what I came up with. The city where I live is fairly tourist orientated so with this in mind I decided to head out to some of the more touristy type areas, knowing there are a fair few back packers (don't laugh). Unluckily for me was actually fairly quiet and what was there were in groups. How does one deal with groups without coming off as being weird, the random approach is this a good idea or not? Realised clubs don't work for me so may as well look at other alternatives. I am going to go out again this evening and see if I can try approach someone and have a conversation of some sort.
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Approaching a group is very difficult. You initially have to say hello & engage everyone in the group, then see who connects with you. Your plan sounds high risk. You may be better off getting a volunteer position so you have a reason to talk to all these tourists. Having a purpose is a great ice breaker.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You shouldn't approach the entire group with the intention of singling out one person who might be into you (it's risky). If you're going to try meeting a woman within a group setting, you should intro yourself to the group with the intention of making friends with EVERYONE in the group. Of course, you may not end up making friends with every single person in the group, but at least it gets your foot in the door and gets you INTO the group. Once you're in, just start striking up convos with the women in there who you're attracted to. If you feel some chem with one of them (or more than one of them), then go on from there. Good luck, OP. Let us know how it all turns out! .
carhill Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Tourist sites of interest can be a good way to meet and interact with people, focusing on the appropriate interest as a method of introduction. I did a lot of this when in Africa since we visited national interest sites in addition to going on Safari. As example, I met people while touring government buildings and the zoo in Pretoria and used my interest in animals and the politics and government of SA at the time as a point of introduction since I was a foreigner.. Rinse and repeat as appropriate.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You shouldn't approach the entire group with the intention of singling out one person who might be into you (it's risky). If you're going to try meeting a woman within a group setting, you should intro yourself to the group with the intention of making friends with EVERYONE in the group. Of course, you may not end up making friends with every single person in the group, but at least it gets your foot in the door and gets you INTO the group. Once you're in, just start striking up convos with the women in there who you're attracted to. If you feel some chem with one of them (or more than one of them), then go on from there. Good luck, OP. Let us know how it all turns out! . This. When you engage groups in public, or even during night life, you always engage the WHOLE group and never single one person out. In fact you should ignore the person you like the most at first, and only pay them attention later after you gain rapport with the group. OP, a good way to build confidence would be to go to the Mall or something, and just say hi to every girl (whether attractive or not) that you walk past. A few may ignore you, most will say hi back, a few might stop and chat. Of course if you're in a REALLY small town, this might be hard and you would recognize people, but in general its a good way to build confidence approaching/talking to people. Night life (bars/clubs) is another good way to calm your social anxiety if you can get a friend to go with. Having alcohol as a social lubricant makes things easier, and also makes others more receptive. Plus you don't have to worry about looking like a fool when there's loud music, everyone is tipsy/drunk, and no one is paying you any attention.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 This. When you engage groups in public, or even during night life, you always engage the WHOLE group and never single one person out. In fact you should ignore the person you like the most at first, and only pay them attention later after you gain rapport with the group. OP, a good way to build confidence would be to go to the Mall or something, and just say hi to every girl (whether attractive or not) that you walk past. A few may ignore you, most will say hi back, a few might stop and chat. Of course if you're in a REALLY small town, this might be hard and you would recognize people, but in general its a good way to build confidence approaching/talking to people. Night life (bars/clubs) is another good way to calm your social anxiety if you can get a friend to go with. Having alcohol as a social lubricant makes things easier, and also makes others more receptive. Plus you don't have to worry about looking like a fool when there's loud music, everyone is tipsy/drunk, and no one is paying you any attention. I find clubs don't really work for me as I don't drink at all, never held any attraction for me at all and this tends to single me out too much and people find a non drinker incredible off putting. Friends I have are pretty much past the clubbing stage... I did go out but nothing really happened, said hello to a few people but got nothing but WFT stares back, think I need to rethink this. My hobbies unfortunately are not ones which attract any females and primarily I tend to interact with older established people as apposed to people in my situation. Will have a think about a new approach.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I find clubs don't really work for me as I don't drink at all, never held any attraction for me at all and this tends to single me out too much and people find a non drinker incredible off putting. Friends I have are pretty much past the clubbing stage... I did go out but nothing really happened, said hello to a few people but got nothing but WFT stares back, think I need to rethink this. My hobbies unfortunately are not ones which attract any females and primarily I tend to interact with older established people as apposed to people in my situation. Will have a think about a new approach. All I'm hearing is excuses. You need to figure out what you're doing wrong and fix it and try again. Just because you go to a club and it didn't go well doesn't mean: Oh well, I tried and it didn't work, guess I'll give up now. Choosing not to drink is your right, just remember you get out of life what you put into it. It's possible to still go out and have a good time without drinking, I won't contest that. But I envision you to be a socially awkward shy type of guy, and alcohol would really loosen you up. Is there a reason you don't drink? tl;dr you're not really doing anything to help yourself, you're just saying "Oh I tried but it didn't work, giving up now".
carhill Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 One aspect which grates against men's natural proclivities is the concept that, if we do X, then Y should result. That might work good in interacting with inanimate systems but generally lousy when interacting with people, especially women. Work towards becoming outcome independent, which means inputs aren't dependent upon perceived or calculated outputs. Relationships aren't a math problem. Think more like art appreciation. The more pragmatic a man is, the more challenging this is but, in general, men relish a challenge. Nothing wrong with finding out what works but leave room for what doesn't and accept it, and that either can change at any moment.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 All I'm hearing is excuses. You need to figure out what you're doing wrong and fix it and try again. Just because you go to a club and it didn't go well doesn't mean: Oh well, I tried and it didn't work, guess I'll give up now. Choosing not to drink is your right, just remember you get out of life what you put into it. It's possible to still go out and have a good time without drinking, I won't contest that. But I envision you to be a socially awkward shy type of guy, and alcohol would really loosen you up. Is there a reason you don't drink? tl;dr you're not really doing anything to help yourself, you're just saying "Oh I tried but it didn't work, giving up now". I need to perhaps state I tried the club idea for quite a few years. As for drinking I tried it once, didn't like it, see people falling around, fights breaking out and in all honestly my personal opinion is society seems to need alcohol in order to have fun, never mind the fact that many people over indulge. Over time if I am going to go down this road of trying new things I need to change and tweak things as I find some don't work. Social awkward in the club sense yes, put me at a dinner party type setting and I can work there quite well, general knowledge and world knowledge then goes quite a long way, conversely that doesn't work well at clubs where intellect perhaps counts for very little versus appearance versus ability to purchase countless drinks. Ok I am being ever so slightly cynical. I maintain the key to all of this is finding a set of universal things that appeal to most people, alas I have pretty much built up my life being an individual versus following the crowds so I am going to have to look a little bit harder... Then again my wants are just probably unrealistic to begin with but I don't tend to give up on what I want.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 One aspect which grates against men's natural proclivities is the concept that, if we do X, then Y should result. That might work good in interacting with inanimate systems but generally lousy when interacting with people, especially women. Work towards becoming outcome independent, which means inputs aren't dependent upon perceived or calculated outputs. Relationships aren't a math problem. Think more like art appreciation. The more pragmatic a man is, the more challenging this is but, in general, men relish a challenge. Nothing wrong with finding out what works but leave room for what doesn't and accept it, and that either can change at any moment. Good points there, I am quite analytical in the way I approach thing, this was a coping mechanism from being rejected so many times, the result being I can take the emotion out of most things and look at them in a totally mostly objective manner, this according to some makes me cold and perhaps they are right and its this coldness which radiates when I interact with females. With this new idea I am going to see if I can come off as perhaps a bit more "normal" and see how that goes, the next challenge will be to not shock people that I don't drink, possibly that was the flaw in this tourist idea, most back packers are young, love to party and well I am far too serious for that lol. Oh yes, that reminds me I must add getting a sense of humour to my "to do list"
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I need to perhaps state I tried the club idea for quite a few years. As for drinking I tried it once, didn't like it, see people falling around, fights breaking out and in all honestly my personal opinion is society seems to need alcohol in order to have fun, never mind the fact that many people over indulge. Over time if I am going to go down this road of trying new things I need to change and tweak things as I find some don't work. Social awkward in the club sense yes, put me at a dinner party type setting and I can work there quite well, general knowledge and world knowledge then goes quite a long way, conversely that doesn't work well at clubs where intellect perhaps counts for very little versus appearance versus ability to purchase countless drinks. Ok I am being ever so slightly cynical. I maintain the key to all of this is finding a set of universal things that appeal to most people, alas I have pretty much built up my life being an individual versus following the crowds so I am going to have to look a little bit harder... Then again my wants are just probably unrealistic to begin with but I don't tend to give up on what I want. Ok, I can understand they don't appeal to you in that sense. By what you describe you seem to communicate with people on a more intellectual level. Have you thought maybe your living environment is holding you back the most? Having a Masters Degree and being well educated but living out in the sticks might be holding you back. If you move into the city you might be able to find more intellectually minded folks (Universities,etc.) Just my .02
Author ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Ok, I can understand they don't appeal to you in that sense. By what you describe you seem to communicate with people on a more intellectual level. Have you thought maybe your living environment is holding you back the most? Having a Masters Degree and being well educated but living out in the sticks might be holding you back. If you move into the city you might be able to find more intellectually minded folks (Universities,etc.) Just my .02 I live in a pretty large city...a few million people so I doubt that's too much of an issue. My city is approximately the size of San Francisco.
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