spiritofjosh Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) I was hoping I wouldn't have to feel another reason to come and post here as a topic, but looks like I need some advice. I'll try and make this to the point but about 1.5 years ago I met this girl because her then band (she plays guitar and sings, Best Coast type surfy rock) played their first show that my then band got added to very last second. I've never seen her before but was mesmerized, she is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. We didn't talk that night because I was afraid but the end of last summer via mutual friends we kind of got together by chance and I started to talk to her. After a couple of weeks of her inviting me to places, spending some nights sleeping together (no sex at all, eventually just kissing) and then 6 months ago I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed and was beyond excited and emotional to agree. I have never felt happier. I've come to learn that the way I felt about her that first night I saw her, she felt the same too. Too scared to talk and assumed I "had plenty of girls and she had no chance." Anyway I've also come to learn that as she turned 22 last October, she's never had a boyfriend before. Never had any kind of relationship and confessed a lot to me that she doesn't think I would want her. That she isn't a "normal girl and doesn't think how other girls should at her age." Even her idea of sex has a bad history because the only other person she's slept with was a grown man who worked with her father and stayed with them. She said one night around when she turned 18 that man took advantage of her and although she doesn't consider it rape, it wasn't consensual and was afraid to tell him no because of what he might do. So she basically has a weird history involving men/sex/dating. Flash forward to our relationship. She lives an hour and a half away from me but she usually would come stay with me on weekends. Sometimes I'd stay with her but usually she would come here. Things we're wonderful in person, we loved each other's company, "got" each other's sense of humor which is really offbeat and goofy and just fell in love very quickly. She became my best friend and when I told her that I loved her she cried and said she's been wanting to say it for a long time but was scared. The problem we had was we would argue a lot via text messaging days we couldn't see each other. It would normally get solved but the more and more we'd have stupid little fights the more and more she'd become vocal about being unsure if we we're right for each other. I tried my hardest to explain that although she's never been in a relationship before, she can't assume everything will be perfect all the time no matter how much we love each other. Ultimately 2 weekends ago we had a fight for a couple days because she had a busy weekend with her new band and didn't have much time to talk to me because I had tickets for another show near me. I took it as she didn't want to talk which I found unusual because even when we aren't engaged in conversation she would always just randomly text me "I love you" and that's it. She didn't so I asked what was up and she told me she got thrown into all these plans she didn't make and had to do a lot of driving, practice etc but I still kept saying she was being weird. Finally that Sunday after me bringing up lack of conversation all weekend she said she got fed up and said she needs time to think because she's starting to think she isn't really ready for a relationship because of all the stupid fighting, etc. Each time we've talked since then she seemed resentful towards me, bitter and downright mean. I asked her to tell me if there is somebody else because I'd rather hear it from her but she assured me she loves me only and will never be able to love anybody else. But she just needs time; half of her wants me and loves me and the other half thinks we're toxic. Today marks two weeks since and I miss her greatly because I feel like I not only lose somebody I fell in love with but lost my best friend, I feel so empty. However I haven't been chasing her, bothering her, etc. I'm giving her the space she wanted. I did talk to her last Thursday because I just wanted to be clear that if she was talking to another guy she can feel comfortable to tell me and I will move on but she said no and that she hates how I accuse her of stuff that'll never happen. Also that she feels I never wanted her specifically anyway, just somebody that looks like her (a mutual friend told her I dated somebody for 5 years that looks like her, which is true but not why I want her). I told her that I'm sorry she feels that way but it's not true. Any prior conversation we had the day or so after we broke up I told her everything, my feelings, what I realize our problems are, etc. And it all ended with her saying she doesn't know, just needs time. Based on social media all she's been doing is spending time with her band who are her best friends and that's basically it. I deleted my old instagram account and made a new one but didn't follow her, yet she still kept all the pictures of me on her instagram (A lot) and even ones of us kissing. I really care about her more than anything and truly love her, but I feel like I'm never going to hear from her, that's she's happier without me now and doesn't miss our relationship even though she has literally cried to me saying she never wants to lose me and that I'm the only thing that matters to her, yet she leaves. I guess I'm wishing that she could give me some real closure if she doesn't plan on ever being with me again. I'm also wondering how she wouldn't want closure herself, if she loved me as much as she would always claim? Maybe I just haven't given her enough time? I'm not sure but in case I didn't mention, we dated for 6 months. And I understand some people may think "why would I wanted to be with somebody who is emotionally all over like that" and to just move on, but based on my history with relationships I've never felt like this about anybody. Any quality I'd want in a girl, both looks and personality, she has. She's not flirty with other guys, she's very loyal and very honest, all qualities that seem to be hard to find for me. So if I could get her back that's all I want. Just need some advice. Thank you and I apologize I couldn't make this shorter. Edited April 6, 2015 by spiritofjosh
Author spiritofjosh Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) 108 views and no opinions? Come on guys! But seriously this is probably the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I just don't understand how I can be somebody's first boyfriend, first love and somebody whom she has literally told on many occasions that's she's never felt like this before in her life. That she could feel that spending the rest of her life with me would make sense to her and that I'm the only thing that seems to matter to her anymore. Yet she ends it, albeit seemingly with reluctance, and just disappears and seems like she doesn't care at all. I can honestly say this isn't one of those breakups that I'm sad about because I lost some girl I can sleep next to and hang out with. I truly feel like I lost my best friend and somebody I truly fell in love with. I almost want her to text me and tell me off so I can at least know what she's feeling even if it's bad. Edited April 7, 2015 by spiritofjosh
Diezel Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Just because you were her first boyfriend, it doesn't mean that you are guaranteed to be her last. You need to understand that just because people say things in the moment, it doesn't contractually obligate them to always feel like that. She might have meant those things at that point in time, but her feelings might have changed. To a certain point, you do seem a bit insecure, and I think the distance and time apart might have factored into it. You are asking why she doesn't want closure, but to be honest, closure is a fallacy. You don't need it externally, just internally. In her mind, closure could have been already achieved, all the while... you are looking at your phone, looking at her instagram accounts, etc, etc, etc... She is living her life. It's time for you to move forward and live your own. You might claim that she is a great many things in your life, but she is also the source of a great many frustrations as well. It shouldn't be this difficult to communicate with someone you care for, but apparently it was for you two. Take this as a lesson learned, specially since you can't get someone back who doesn't want to come back.
AIJ Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 My ex and I were very similar. Lived an hour and a half away from eachother, saw eachother on the weekends, argued an awful lot over text. Whatever your ex said is irrelevant now, closure isn't important but if you REALLY feel like you need it, go and ask for it, however chances are she won't answer you truthfully. My ex told me she wouldn't be getting close with another guy for quite some time.. a week later she's in a new relationship. So yeah, they lie. Time to move on
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