Almost 2 months post breakup (long post)

[sadsuzie]

Hi everyone, I have been reading threads on here for a while now and have decided that talking to people other than the ones already in my life might help me deal with my situation better. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 2 years (in total, our "talking" stage was pretty long but I count it) and he broke up with me pretty much 2 months ago. He is a great guy and was the most amazing boyfriend. I was really close with his family too, and they were all surprised that he broke it off with me.

 

Of course he had his flaws, but so did I and we never got in fights that would ever lead to a break up, just small things and they weren't very frequent either. He broke up with me because he said that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that he needs to figure out who he is without a relationship (we got together senior year of HS). Also, he had applied to transfer colleges a few months prior (at the time of the break up he didnt know where he got in, turns out he got in to a school about 2 hours away, idk about any others yet). I had always been the one against being in a LDR while he was the one who really wanted to try to make it work, recently I have reconsidered and we were both on board for trying.

 

Anyways, he told me that his decision was hard to make and had nothing to do with me and that my flaws were not a deciding factor. I was/am absolutely devastated. He was my best friend and the person I felt 100% comfortable with. Needless to say, I was extremely emotional. He told me that he would be there for me if I ever needed anything or anyone to talk to. The first week was terrible, we still talked pretty much everyday but he would not reconsider his decision. He felt really bad though. I was completely honest with him about how heartbroken I am, and I felt him start to pull away. I realized that if I keep trying to talk to him and get him to change his mind, he won't ever start to miss me. So I stopped texting him and about a week later he texted me first. I was really happy. The conversation was a bit weird and I was so sad that it was so different. We didn't talk much the week after that, then the week after that I asked him to meet up with me (to get closure). This was a month ago. I basically asked him to tell me one of two things: reassurance that he will keep me in mind later on when he is ready for a relationship, or that he knows for a fact that I am not someone he ever wants to be in a relationship with again. He couldn't. He ended up telling me that AT THE MOMENT, he doesn't want to be with me. But he couldn't say anything about the future.

After that, we didn't really talk until I initiated it (i always have to be the one to text first) and he told me that its just hard for him to talk to me because of how emotional I am and it just makes him feel worse. He told me he wants to stay friends, but how could I just act like I'm fine when my heart is completely broken?

 

Fast forward to today, I texted him a couple of hours ago after not talking for a week. I saw that he's been liking pictures of other girls on instagram and following this girl who is also gonna go to the same school as him (he doesnt know her personally) and I freaked out. The liking pictures thing is something that hurts me on a personal level. He never did that when we were together because he knew how I felt about it, but now every time he does it I take it as him thinking all of those girls are so pretty or hot or something, it hurts so much. I know I shouldn't have, but I said something about it. He basically blew it off as nothing major and told me that its something he did before we got together and something he can do now that we aren't. I asked him what his intentions are when he does it and he just said, "what are your intentions when you like a girl's picture? its just instagram. thats what you do"

 

I just asked him if we could possibly meet up soon to talk, we have plans for tomorrow to do just that. I am feeling so insecure right now, he has told me that he is not looking for a relationship, but idk if that would stop him from flirting and "talking" with other girls, let alone hook up with them. I am pretty nervous for tomorrow. I want to ask him to be completely honest with me and tell me if hes interested in anyone else. I just don't want it to end up like the last time we met up (it was pretty much the break-up all over again). I don't know what else I should say to him.

 

I need help from you guys, all of my friends and family are so tired of hearing about him. How do I finally let go? I have accepted that we will not get back together (anytime soon, like years) but I just miss being with him. When it comes to even thinking about another woman in his life, I break down and all of my progress in the breakup is gone. I am also hurt because of how he said he wants to be in my life, but he pretty much avoids talking to me at all costs.

[BlackbirdSong]

Do NOT see him tomorrow. It will absolutely kill you. He's not going to say anything that you really want to hear. If he's a normal guy, he won't jump into a relationship anytime soon. He just has a lot on his mind and needs some space. You texting him and trying to get in contact with him is just making him pissed off, which causes him NOT to want to talk to you.

 

P.S. - liking Instragram and Facebook pictures means absolutely NOTHING to guys. My ex got all pissy when I would do it also, but in reality, it doesn't mean anything.

[sadsuzie]

I know that it isn't the best for me, but I am just honestly happy that he agreed to at least meet with me, I was kind of half-expecting him to tell me that it isn't a good idea because of how emotional I am right now. But maybe after a week of not talking, he thinks I'm better. I'm going to try my best to be strong throughout the conversation though. I guess I'm just hoping that he will say something to make me feel better; like having feelings for me still, the reason for not talking to me is because its hard for him to get over me, etc. I just really want us on good terms too, and flaking on him might make him think "wth?".

So when you like a girl's selfie, be it just her face or a revealing picture, you aren't thinking anything of it? then why do it? its just hard for me to really understand how it can be so insignificant to guys, yet so upsetting to girls.

[m4p]

I am sorry you're going through this and I am pretty sure it hurts like hell. BUT I would really caution you and advise you against meeting up with him. I know it is not easy to forget the past couple of years together. but if he made the decision to end the relationship, he is pretty much done. It sucks but I had been through a few relationships where I had been on both ends (breaking up with someone vs being dumped by someone). One "trend" I realized myself as well as with people around me is that when a party breaks up with their bf/gf, it is usually their last resort and they are pretty much done with the r/s. Otherwise we tend to drag and put the relationship on autopilot as long as we can wing it.

 

I don't want to come to this but it is also highly possible that he has someone new in his life. It might not be a new girlfriend but someone that he is interested in.. talking with.. etc which made him reconsider your relationship. No point asking him about it as he will never admit it. (I had an ex of 3 years who broke up with me, great and nice guy and all, telling me "its not you, its me.. i need to focus on my studies/career.. we can stay good friends.." only long after I found out he started dating another girl the same time we broke up.)

 

If anybody wants to save this r/s, it should be him and not you. It is also tough to resist checking up on him (new FB friends... new follows in Instagram etc..) but you gotta NOT DO IT. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Only when you take yourself out of this situation then can you see clearly whether do you still want to be with someone who actually took the first step to end the relationship.

 

It is tough but you can do it! Surround yourself with family, friends and outdoor activities and you will find it easier as days passes.

[darkbloom]

Alright, I know you are hurting but there are several rookie mistakes happening here that are prolonging your pain.

 

1. Do not meet up with him tomorrow. Cancel or don't show up. Seeing him is going to reinforce all of the things you like about him and he's not going to change his mind. You are going to leave heartbroken and with no closure. Fact.

 

2. You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for. You will end up burned everytime. Case in point: him liking other girls instagram pictures. He is no longer in a relationship with you, so he can do whatever he wants. I would strongly caution talking to him about how much it bothers you. It's a. Creepy and b. Comes off as very desperate and controlling. He broke up with you. The very best thing you can do is block him on all social media. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

3. Go NC. You can't do this half NC where you go away for a week and then come back telling him how miserable you are. That is reinforcing his decision to break up.

 

When people say they don't want a relationship what they're really saying is "I don't want a relationship--with you."

 

Time to focus on your healing and feeling better. You cannot do that if you keep him around.

[Lion Heart]

m4p

 

I know this is the hardest thing you've ever been through - heartbreak wise. It is heartbreaking I KNOW.

It is just the hardest thing in the world.

 

I'm so extremely sad right now too for a similar reason. My H of 15y had an affair last year and we found out just before Christmas. It's completely devastated my family of 3 children still living at home. 3 others living outside. I'm absolutely heartbroken. So many times since December he's told me he doesn't love me anymore then he changes his mind (not his heart I realized today - phew today a huge exhale I CAN DO THIS) I know he loves the kids so wants to stay but his feelings just can't change back. That's the reality of today. He can't.

 

So I'm crying as I write this. I'm sad packing stuff and taking it to Op shops. We'll have to sell the house. Dislodge the kids and break their hearts again. It's just hopeless.

 

Nothings gonna make you feel any better about the break up but you DON'T want a person in your life that doesn't want YOU.

It's painful and cruel that my husband stayed and made my life a living nightmare for years when he knew all along that he didn't even WANT to love me anymore. That's what he said today. He's often been cruel and said that then only to try to take it back later....when he could see me moving on. But getting me back and giving me even MORE hope again is just the cruelest thing imaginable.

 

Nothing you do or say can make your boyfriends heart change.

If he was decent like me, he would've known his heart, been downright HONEST with you (I've done this and it IS hard but it's the only FAIR and HONEST thing you could do when someone loves you and you don't love them anymore).

He should've gone NC with you but maybe he thought it was kinder not to. It isn't.

 

So in BOTH YOUR CASE AND MINE, NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY for both of us to move on. We have to. We have NO choice in the matter.

 

You know that when you love someone and actually DO LOVE them then you can't wait to see them. It's mutual. Because they WANT to stay broken up with us, they don't love us anymore whatever they say when we cry. They just want our hurt to go away and they want to go away too. From us. They want desperately to get away.

 

From now on and forever we have to KNOW WITH ALL OUR HEARTS that they don't love us. There is no "maybe one day". They're done and because they're done, we HAVE TO BE DONE TOO.

 

I'm sorry. My heart is breaking too today. I can't face my children. They're on school holidays and I just can't tell them why I'm crying. Twin 2 said "what's wrong mummy?" Straight after his dad left for work. I said "daddy doesn't love me anymore". He said "I know".

G** every one else knows. I never wanted to know.

Twin 2 promptly took the garbages out and asked whether it was recycling week. Twin 2 has tried since our D Day to replace his dad in the jobs dad did. He knows. Now I have no choice but to KNOW too.

 

Everyone else who knows you, KNOWS it's over. They can't make you better. It's up to you and me to make ourselves better. It's gonna be a very long and lonely road for me raising my 3 children on my own. I won't have their father loving them WITH me. Celebrating anything with me anymore. And there'll be Graduations and weddings and babies come when he'll bring his next partner with him. G** I'll have to be SO STRONG.

I just don't know how I can do this on my own. But I'll have to.

Thank G** that's in the future and I'm panicking about what isn't even here yet.

 

FOR TODAY I CHOOSE to be strong for myself and my beautiful children. They deserve the BEST MOTHER I can be. G** knows I chose the wrong father for them.

 

For the next hour which is too much to cope with, I'll wash the children's hair and take them out for lunch.

We'll all go to the chiropractor.

 

In 2 days I'll take them on a holiday alone.

 

Lion Heart.

[DannyCA]

As a guy, from my personal experience, I can give you a few examples. Don't harbor on the social media thing too much (if only I could take my own advice)

 

- There are certain girls that I like all of their pictures, never hooked up with any of them

- There are certain girls that like every single one of my pictures on ig, never hooked up with any of them

- I've posted pic of me and a friend of mine who's a girl saying we are going to get married in "x" amount of years if we are still single (it's a joke we have going between us), never hooked up with her

- I've even posted a picture of me and a girl I've had history with at the bars together. Even though we've had history together, it's been years since we've done anything with each other and I don't see her as a potential gf

 

Maybe I'm just trying to say don't make your own head spin by looking at social media stuff.

 

My ex from 2 years ago who was ld is the only ex of mine I still have feelings for. I don't have an ounce of feelings for the ex's before the ld one, I don't even have an ounce of feelings for my ex from 6 months ago. I have to say its been a really sh** road of ups and downs for years; it shouldn't be.

 

Maybe ask yourself what you can do to help yourself move on (two months is a short time, I promise you still have a lot of time to go to heal.) Maybe you should honestly ask yourself what you can do from now own to help yourself heal? I promise that doesn't include seeing him.

[sadsuzie]

So we did meet up, I know you all don't think that it was a good idea but I needed answers. We had lunch and it was a bit awkward at first just because we hadn't seen each other in about a month. We talked about school and work mostly. I told him that I really want us to be on good terms, he said that he doesn't think we aren't and that its just hard for him to want to talk to me when I make him feel so bad about how I feel. We we talked about more stuff (including liking pictures) a bit more. then I asked him what I really wanted to know: if he was seeing anyone. I honestly needed to know, I was feeling so sad because I assumed he was. He said no and that he's not interested in anyone nor looking for anyone, so I was relieved about that.

 

After discussing things further, we ended up hooking up. Neither of us were expecting it. We talked the couple of days after it happened and then he stopped replying (the conversation was about a stupid tweet). I'm handling this a lot better than I was expecting (a lot of it has to do with me knowing that he's not talking to anyone else, though). I feel like the fact that he was able to have sex with me and continue to ignore me, even after we discussed our friendship, just proves to me how mean he is and how much he's changed towards me.

 

I have come to realize that I deserve a lot better than this. Surprisingly, I have a small crush on a coworker. Unfortunately he has a girlfriend. he flirts with me a lot but I definitely don't want to mess up another relationship so I won't do anything. It does help distract me from my ex, though. I guess I'm just confused right now..