Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) Ok so long story short, I have a friend who's the same age as me and we used to be co-workers at my old job a few years ago (she actually knew my Ex too). Anyways, she recently broke up with her boyfriend 1.5 months ago and recently we've spent a lot of time talking with each other. She has always been really cute and I've had a crush on her for a while, but we were out of touch until recently. So anyways, last week I asked if she wanted to get drinks together, and she said yes. Friday night I go and pick her up and we go to a decent place near my house and we grabbed some light food (apps) and drinks. We mostly just chatted about what we've been doing since we both left the place we worked at, and talking **** about our exes. Anyways after we've had a few drinks, the conversation started to get flirty in nature between both of us. When we left I asked her if she wanted to come over to my new place, and she agreed. When we got back I showed her around, and she asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her (We used to smoke weed together occasionally back when I smoked more) and I was like hell why not lol, so we went out back and smoked a bowl. Anyways afterwards we came inside and we were sitting down close to each other and chatting, and there was some sexual tension. One thing led to another - Ended up going up to my room and had some of the best sex I've ever had (and its been a while at that). Afterwards we cuddled for a while then went to sleep. The next morning she had to go so I called her a cab and sent her on her way. I did text her later saying it was good to see her again, and I had a good time, didn't hear back from her until this morning but she said she had a really good time and wanted to see me again. Now this is where it gets tricky. I'm not sure what she expects, I like her a lot as a friend, but she has a lot of issues and I don't know how I feel about being in a relationship with her. That being said I felt like we had really good sexual chemistry and I wouldn't mind having a FWB arrangement. How do I ask her if she's open to this? I'm guessing she might already be but I'm not positive... Should I clear this up before I see her again? Also if I date other people while having a FWB, is that generally regarded as being acceptable? (As long as I stop the FWB before I have sex with someone else). Thanks in advance for helping me navigate through the moral grey areas that I'm currently neck deep in. On a slightly embarrassing note she gave me a really big ****ing hickey and I had to buy foundation (roommate's idea) to cover it up for the family easter get-togethers I had to go to today -_- lol. Got **** for it from my Brother's girlfriend who still noticed (it did help though). ****ing hell. Edited April 6, 2015 by barcode88
Pinkdisney Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I think FWB are definitely acceptable if you are not sleeping with or dating anyone else whom you are looking at long term. Personally I've never been able to maintain FWB without feeling...for lack of a better word...used. I guess I always caught feelings or had tried to FWB with someone I liked too much. Worth a shot, just be honest about your expectations.
h0000 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Of course you can clear it up. But Personally I will sleep with whoever I want before I want to make it long term with any of them and also none of them has brought up exclusivity. 1
kissmybooty Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Of course you can clear it up. But Personally I will sleep with whoever I want before I want to make it long term with any of them and also none of them has brought up exclusivity. After you sleep with all of them, how do you decide which one you really want to be long term with? Or do you not long term it with anyone?
h0000 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 After you sleep with all of them, how do you decide which one you really want to be long term with? Or do you not long term it with anyone? How do you decide? You look at the whole package of course? If you ask what the whole package is, it varies between people. Independence,sanity,career,passion etc etc
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Of course you can clear it up. But Personally I will sleep with whoever I want before I want to make it long term with any of them and also none of them has brought up exclusivity. I've never done FWB before, what's the best way to ask? I have a feeling she's down for it, but I don't want to come off as rude. Idk, I prefer not sleeping with multiple people at the same time as an ongoing basis. At least I would never do it unless there was an understanding, but I would rather just avoid that situation. I mainly want to know if its OK to Date other people while having sex with a FWB?
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 How do I ask her if she's open to this? I'm guessing she might already be but I'm not positive... Should I clear this up before I see her again? Just ask her if she's open to it. It doesn't have to be complicated. As to when, I'd do it when you go out w/her next, near the start. You don't have to lead w/it but don't delay too long. And don't bring it up on the phone or in text for god's sake bc that will be telegraphing to her that you think it's a big deal and she should worry. Also if I date other people while having a FWB, is that generally regarded as being acceptable? (As long as I stop the FWB before I have sex with someone else). Just be honest w/everybody involved and it'll be fine. They all need to give informed consent, but you don't exactly need their permission. They have the option of backing out if they don't want to be involved. 1
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Just ask her if she's open to it. It doesn't have to be complicated. As to when, I'd do it when you go out w/her next, near the start. You don't have to lead w/it but don't delay too long. And don't bring it up on the phone or in text for god's sake bc that will be telegraphing to her that you think it's a big deal and she should worry. Just be honest w/everybody involved and it'll be fine. They all need to give informed consent, but you don't exactly need their permission. They have the option of backing out if they don't want to be involved. Okay, I figured not to do it over text. So I need to tell my FWB that I'm dating others, and I need to tell people i'm dating that i'm boning a FWB?
Versacehottie Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I agree with jen1447. That's the best way to handle for sure. Just an easy discussion where she is not being misled and the choice is hers since you have defined your position. Though to be honest i don't think FWB necessarily works, especially in the situation you described. I think it's rare the girl that can really do this plus you are saying there are reasons you don't want to be with her which implies a rejection of sorts. That can be demeaning among "friends" and you are ready for a relationship, you just don't want one with her so the setup is pretty humbling to say the least. But maybe I'm wrong, she's only 1.5 months out of relationship so maybe she isn't ready for one and FWB is just what she wants. But if it gets messy, don't say i didn't warn you. LOL.
kissmybooty Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Omg don't tell people you are dating that you are boning an fwb. A decent girl won't be okay with it. I know some guys say it indirectly, like "I am not looking for a relationship right now"' I think that's codeword for we will just have fun. I think using the term FWB can hurt some girls or make them think of it as a bad thing or maybe it's just me that has a negative connotation attached to it, idk. 1
Vintage79 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 BarCode - simply don't say anything to anyone until they start talking exclusive, and if you don't want to sleep with 2 people, at the same time when someone comes around that you'd rather sleep with, just stop sleeping with the FWB. As such, nothing is exclusive, you're not going against your sleeping with 2 people ethics, and you don't taint the water with anyone... 1
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Pretty much, yeah. Think of it this way - not telling them would be pretty shady, right? It shouldn't be an issue for your FWB if she signs off on it, and while it might not be the most endearing thing for your dates, if you continue with the FWB while dating, they really deserve to know. If it's current and ongoing, it's their business, both in terms of sizing you up and for safety. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 plus you've already hooked up, so there's nowhere to go but forward, ie an explanation of some sort should be said. goodluck
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Pretty much, yeah. Think of it this way - not telling them would be pretty shady, right? It shouldn't be an issue for your FWB if she signs off on it, and while it might not be the most endearing thing for your dates, if you continue with the FWB while dating, they really deserve to know. If it's current and ongoing, it's their business, both in terms of sizing you up and for safety. Sorry, that ^ was a response to: Okay, I figured not to do it over text. So I need to tell my FWB that I'm dating others, and I need to tell people i'm dating that i'm boning a FWB?
h0000 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I've never done FWB before, what's the best way to ask? I have a feeling she's down for it, but I don't want to come off as rude. Idk, I prefer not sleeping with multiple people at the same time as an ongoing basis. At least I would never do it unless there was an understanding, but I would rather just avoid that situation. I mainly want to know if its OK to Date other people while having sex with a FWB? I feel if you ask someone "hey you want to be my FWB?" that pretty much shut all chances for it to develop to something more,doesn't it? And it also sounds a bit rude. Anything before exclusivity is merely "have fun and see where it goes". If you prefer not sleeping with multiple people, simply end one before starting with another. Is it really necessary to talk about it and tell them what's going on? Hey, the truth hurts. For me it is OK to date other people while having a FWB. Dating does not mean you are exclusive so I see no reason for people to get angry over it. 1
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Omg don't tell people you are dating that you are boning an fwb. A decent girl won't be okay with it. I know some guys say it indirectly, like "I am not looking for a relationship right now"' I think that's codeword for we will just have fun. I think using the term FWB can hurt some girls or make them think of it as a bad thing or maybe it's just me that has a negative connotation attached to it, idk. Yeah, I don't ever seeing that scenario going down well, I think I'd avoid saying anything to someone I'm fresh dating I'd probably just scare them away. The "I'm not looking for a relationship" is probably something I'd go with, doesn't sound as demeaning if she isn't into it. BarCode - simply don't say anything to anyone until they start talking exclusive, and if you don't want to sleep with 2 people, at the same time when someone comes around that you'd rather sleep with, just stop sleeping with the FWB. As such, nothing is exclusive, you're not going against your sleeping with 2 people ethics, and you don't taint the water with anyone... Ok, but would that be considered leading someone along if I want FWB and I just don't say anything but keep having sex with them? Sometimes exclusivity doesn't come up for a long time. For me it is OK to date other people while having a FWB. Dating does not mean you are exclusive so I see no reason for people to get angry over it. That is how I feel about it so far.
ascendotum Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Pretty much, yeah. Think of it this way - not telling them would be pretty shady, right? It shouldn't be an issue for your FWB if she signs off on it, and while it might not be the most endearing thing for your dates, if you continue with the FWB while dating, they really deserve to know. If it's current and ongoing, it's their business, both in terms of sizing you up and for safety. It wouldn't surprise me if quite a few people going on OLD dates have a fwb on the side. It would put off a quite a few women and men looking for something serious, and I'm sure most women wont say it to a date in case they worry he will downshift them onto the fwb mode as well. What they will say is they are not just exclusively dating one person yet and are seeing/dating others, without making it too specific that they are sleeping with others. Else they will say nothing and will wait and see if this person is good enough, then will fade out the fwb when it becomes serious x number of weeks down the line. I agree with the person that says he should not come out and say he's only interested in her for fwb, but I feel it is better to phrase that he really likes her but is not looking for a committed relationship at the moment or that he feels they wouldn't be a good long term match and let her read between the lines. If he subsequently goes on dates with others then he best not tell her or don't say he is not currently looking for a relationship. 2
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 It wouldn't surprise me if quite a few people going on OLD dates have a fwb on the side. It would put off a quite a few women and men looking for something serious, and I'm sure most women wont say it to a date in case they worry he will downshift them onto the fwb mode as well. What they will say is they are not just exclusively dating one person yet and are seeing/dating others, without making it too specific that they are sleeping with others. Else they will say nothing and will wait and see if this person is good enough, then will fade out the fwb when it becomes serious x number of weeks down the line. I wouldn't have an issue with saying you're not exclusive at this point and leaving it at that. I think it basically says (or allows for) the same thing without beating them over the head with it. Misrepresenting yourself as being temporarily celibate though or something like that would be a no-no imo.
kissmybooty Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 The fact that she was equally accepting of sleeping together without first having a relationship means that she was open to it unless ofcourse she's really young or new to dating (which it doesn't sound like). I'd not offer a guy to smoke weed with me unless I was trying to get high and cross boundaries with him. I personally don't smoke weed with someone unless I'm in a relationship, because that's losing control especially for girls when combined with alcohol. She's frivolous and doesn't sound like she's looking for something serious either. But barcode, when you get serious with someone else stop the fwb contact because that would be unfair to the new girl 1
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 It wouldn't surprise me if quite a few people going on OLD dates have a fwb on the side. It would put off a quite a few women and men looking for something serious, and I'm sure most women wont say it to a date in case they worry he will downshift them onto the fwb mode as well. What they will say is they are not just exclusively dating one person yet and are seeing/dating others, without making it too specific that they are sleeping with others. Else they will say nothing and will wait and see if this person is good enough, then will fade out the fwb when it becomes serious x number of weeks down the line. I agree with the person that says he should not come out and say he's only interested in her for fwb, but I feel it is better to phrase that he really likes her but is not looking for a committed relationship at the moment or that he feels they wouldn't be a good long term match and let her read between the lines. If he subsequently goes on dates with others then he best not tell her or don't say he is not currently looking for a relationship. Yeah, I think I will just keep quiet if I date others, and if the other person asks if I'm seeing other people, I'll just say "Yes but nothing serious". I don't know how to work around the part where I start having sex with someone I'm dating though -_- Of course I don't want to dupe anyone, but if I cut off the FWB before we have sex, and then its terrible or doesn't work out, I'm kinda screwed. The fact that she was equally accepting of sleeping together without first having a relationship means that she was open to it unless ofcourse she's really young or new to dating (which it doesn't sound like). I'd not offer a guy to smoke weed with me unless I was trying to get high and cross boundaries with him. I personally don't smoke weed with someone unless I'm in a relationship, because that's losing control especially for girls when combined with alcohol. She's frivolous and doesn't sound like she's looking for something serious either. But barcode, when you get serious with someone else stop the fwb contact because that would be unfair to the new girl Yeah.. I kinda got that vibe as well lol. When she asked if I wanted to light up, I had a feeling it was probably on for the night. 1
Popsicle Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) Tell her you want to be FWB point blank then let her decide. It's not fair or nice to not be up front in a non- vague way. She needs to know what she's dealing with, just like you'd want to know. The same goes for whatever girl you want to date seriously. Tell her that you have a FWB and let her decide. Edited April 6, 2015 by Popsicle 2
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) Tell her you want to be FWB point blank then let her decide. It's not fair or nice to not be up front in a non- vague way. She needs to know what she's dealing with, just like you'd want to know. The same goes for whatever girl you want to date seriously. Tell her that you have a FWB and let her decide. I feel like you're setting me up to fail here lol. I think it's good to be straightforward, but respectful at the same time... Honestly if I was dating a girl and she had a FWB I wouldn't want to know unless we were serious, and hopefully by then she wouldn't have one still. If she told me before we were serious, it would be unnecessary information in my opinion, and a bit of a turn-off. Any Womens' thoughts on this? Edited April 6, 2015 by barcode88
Popsicle Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I feel like you're setting me up to fail here lol. I think it's good to be straightforward, but respectful at the same time... Honestly if I was dating a girl and she had a FWB I wouldn't want to know unless we were serious, and hopefully by then she wouldn't have one still. If she told me before we were serious, it would be unnecessary information in my opinion, and a bit of a turn-off. Any Womens' thoughts on this? Now why would it be a turn off for you? Hmmmm.... Maybe you should do have the FWB then.
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I feel like you're setting me up to fail here lol. I think it's good to be straightforward, but respectful at the same time... Honestly if I was dating a girl and she had a FWB I wouldn't want to know unless we were serious, and hopefully by then she wouldn't have one still. If she told me before we were serious, it would be unnecessary information in my opinion, and a bit of a turn-off. Any Womens' thoughts on this? That actually sounds like a reasonable approach to me. If you're just going on a never-see-you-again date w/someone, there's no need to confess your life story. But certainly someone expecting or hoping for any type of future with you deserves to know if you've got an eff buddy. You seemed to imply concurrent pursuits here in your thread title, so I think that's why I think there's some brushback.
kissmybooty Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I feel like you're setting me up to fail here lol. I think it's good to be straightforward, but respectful at the same time... Honestly if I was dating a girl and she had a FWB I wouldn't want to know unless we were serious, and hopefully by then she wouldn't have one still. If she told me before we were serious, it would be unnecessary information in my opinion, and a bit of a turn-off. Any Womens' thoughts on this? I don't do fwb because it's not my thing and I get broken. Let's say I was ok with it and just wanted to have fun, I would not prefer being referred to as a fwb or anything at all. Fwb for some reason makes me feel degraded and used. But that's just me and my ego, some girls don't mind it. If I am ok with it, it would be better to just not define unless I ask where we stand. If I want to stop I'll stop showing up to future dates with excuses and the guy cannot question this because there is no defined relationship. Other way round if the guy has a fwb I don't need to know if we are only dating. But once he sleeps with me he better not be in contact with the fwb because then I'm out if I find out.
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