Gigigirl Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I see this saying throw around quite a bit. I wanted to know how a MM grooms his OW? What exactly is grooming or the point? Thanks!
GoldieLox Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I take it to mean that they ply them with "my marriage is so terrible", "no, I'm not sleeping with my wife", etc etc... they groom the OW to believe in this crap. Females may say this to a male AP as well, let's not be sexist here. And once in a great while, the above quotes may actually be true. But for the most part, they aren't. Countless examples of OW finding out later that the MM was full of you-know-what. 11
DKT3 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 There is a ton of articles on the internet on how to seduce MW. One thing that they all have in common is you don't come at them directly, you have to use the side door. This is where the grooming come into play. Play the role of friend, once you get them confiding you have them. OW need to be groomed as well, I've said this before, how many OW would get involved with MM if he said "my wife is awesome, our sexlife is great and I'm only looking for some extra ego boost or some excitement. I will say or do anything to get what I want from you as long as its in my best interest once it is no longer I will discard you and slide back into my marriage leaving you confused and broken" how many would sign up for that. OM and MM don't need grooming, we are wired differently and do a better job in keeping each part of our lives in their own box. 10
Hope Shimmers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 we are wired differently and do a better job in keeping each part of our lives in their own box.
Popsicle Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 There is a ton of articles on the internet on how to seduce MW. There's also a ton of articles on the internet for single men on how to seduce single women....
Hope Shimmers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I've always thought the term "grooming" as related to affairs was stupid. 3
DKT3 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 There's also a ton of articles on the internet for single men on how to seduce single women.... Single women single men is an entirely different dynamic.
Popsicle Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I've always thought the term "grooming" as related to affairs was stupid. It is. I think it's stupid related to any relationship.
DKT3 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I've always thought the term "grooming" as related to affairs was stupid. Maybe so, but you won't be successful with a direct approach often. Getting a MW or an OW(for a MM) to let their guard down is what I would call grooming. 1
Popsicle Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 A better word to use would be "seduce". "How does a MM "seduce" the OW?" Seduction is the art of turning fantasy into reality. A single man can succeed in doing this with a single woman because the fantasy can, in fact, turn into reality. This is not so much the case with a MM seducing an OW. He is limited by his marriage. That is the reality.
Lion Heart Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I see this saying throw around quite a bit. I wanted to know how a MM grooms his OW? What exactly is grooming or the point? Thanks! On D Day my WH said he "pursued" the OW. The OW said he "wouldn't leave her alone" that he "relentlessly pursued" her. 3d later a psychiatrist / psychologist I saw termed it "grooming". Doesn't happen? OH YES IT DOES! Just like pedophiles "groom" their next victim, sometimes a wanna be WS MUST "groom" THEIR next "victim". SOMETIMES they're just not that easy to catch! Sometimes they're super easy. In my WH case she was a victim. ..for a while. ..then with just enough grooming he HAD her. He admits he wanted to use her. He never had any intentions of leaving us for her. The thought disgusts him. CONTRARY TO ALL the things he told her. She believed his lies. All of them. I've got the phone records to show he spent ALOT of time on the phone to her. Most business calls are 2-3 mins. His to her IN THE BEGINNING were up to 2h! Then they got less... then less. . Cause he caught her. Then he didn't want her. What did he want? * sex with another woman, ANY OW. Variety. (pity his E couldn't hold up for the first time). * control over another woman - pfft that backfired! * excitement - this sickens him NOW but he can't imagine how the whole A sickens me, our chn, all our friends and family and his family's church. * ATTENTION - weak self esteem. Seeing IC. But a lifetime of extremely needy thoughts and habits are difficult to break. The second he stopped his A and focussed his attn on his wife and 3 beautiful chn, he couldn't believe how happy he was. For a whole month. Then D Day. Hope that helps. Lion Heart. 3
Hope Shimmers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Maybe so, but you won't be successful with a direct approach often. Getting a MW or an OW(for a MM) to let their guard down is what I would call grooming. But that's just so.... predator-ish. I know you like to express yourself in absolutes but while I believe some A's are like this, I don't think all MM are intending to groom women for an A. However you did insert the word 'often' in there so I'll put down the 2x4 for now. lol A better word to use would be "seduce". "How does a MM "seduce" the OW?" Seduction is the art of turning fantasy into reality. A single man can succeed in doing this with a single woman because the fantasy can, in fact, turn into reality. This is not so much the case with a MM seducing an OW. He is limited by his marriage. That is the reality. Agreed - it's more of a seduction, although that is more direct. 'Grooming' just sounds so passive and disgusting. 3
Blu72 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Lion Heart - How does it make you feel hearing how he 'groomed' the OW and pretty much devalued her as a person? Just curious. 2
GoldieLox Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Agreed - it's more of a seduction, although that is more direct. 'Grooming' just sounds so passive and disgusting. I always think of cats... And on a side note, I don't really care what you call it. Grooming, seducing, pursuing, whatever. The one being "whatever-ed" always has the power to say "no" or push the other away. 9
Hope Shimmers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I always think of cats... And on a side note, I don't really care what you call it. Grooming, seducing, pursuing, whatever. The one being "whatever-ed" always has the power to say "no" or push the other away. True but in some cases I think it's insidious. And I am NOT trying to defend it because I agree with you. But I think many women (and maybe even the men) don't realize it has happened until they are neck deep into it. Not all. But some. 2
Popsicle Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) On D Day my WH said he "pursued" the OW. Well, that's shocking. In many cases, once caught, the WS tells the BS that the AP pursued them. I would say that only serial cheaters would consciously and deliberately pursue OW. They know what they are doing from day one. Most people DO NOT know what they are doing though. Or at least they deny it to themselves or block it out. Edited April 5, 2015 by Popsicle 2
GoldieLox Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 True but in some cases I think it's insidious. And I am NOT trying to defend it because I agree with you. But I think many women (and maybe even the men) don't realize it has happened until they are neck deep into it. Not all. But some. And I certainly agree with you to a certain point. I was one of them. I look back at the naivety in myself and it was absolutely astounding. The day he first kissed me, he stuck out his hand. I thought, "that's odd. why does he want to shake my hand?" Are you kidding me? Yes. That was me. However, the second he came closer and I realized what was happening, I could've, should've and would've, but didn't. I just think it all comes down to choices in the end. We reap what we sow. And on that note, now that I can't get pictures of cats and dogs out of my head... 4
DKT3 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 So it works both way? Soo many MW/OW claim the affair wasn't their intention, yet they are upset at the idea of being groomed. Either it was the intent or you were groomed, affairs don't "just happen", and you aren't instantly emotionally connected. 11
DKT3 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 True but in some cases I think it's insidious. And I am NOT trying to defend it because I agree with you. But I think many women (and maybe even the men) don't realize it has happened until they are neck deep into it. Not all. But some. I disagree, I think one does know what's going on, but it feels good so you allow it to go a little deeper thinking you have control, of course until you don't. Loved the video BTW. 9
Blu72 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I disagree, I think one does know what's going on, but it feels good so you allow it to go a little deeper thinking you have control, of course until you don't. Loved the video BTW. I dunno I think you are right to a point. But I think some don't recognize that is what is really happening on the surface, but maybe deep down if they really thought about it they would. Getting caught up in all of it with out really thinking is the downfall. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I disagree, I think one does know what's going on, but it feels good so you allow it to go a little deeper thinking you have control, of course until you don't. Loved the video BTW. There you are all black and white as usual, and I'm shades of gray. If nothing else, it's reassuring to know that the earth is still spinning on its axis. I agree with you that at some point you realize. I think what happens to some people is that they get sucked into it, whereas if the MM grooming would have been something like "Hey cutie, wanna have sex?" (just as an extreme example) she would certainly have run, but by the time she realizes what is going on, she is in too deep. And you will say that means she knows what is going on. 1
GoldieLox Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 So it works both way? Soo many MW/OW claim the affair wasn't their intention, yet they are upset at the idea of being groomed. Either it was the intent or you were groomed, affairs don't "just happen", and you aren't instantly emotionally connected. I'm pretty sure we've covered the dynamics of my affair on many other threads. No, you are not emotionally connected instantly. I was not. It took a long time and it was after it was over that I actually realized it happened. I cannot speak for others. I never said I was "upset" over being whatevered, and I never said the A wasn't my intention. After he kissed me, I continued, so that speaks for intent, doesn't it? If you mean did I go seeking it out, no. I did not. I did not pull him into a conference room and jump on him. 1
Popsicle Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 So it works both way? Soo many MW/OW claim the affair wasn't their intention, yet they are upset at the idea of being groomed. Either it was the intent or you were groomed, affairs don't "just happen", and you aren't instantly emotionally connected. Women are upset with the idea of seduction, period. PUA, etc... All the crap pisses women off, because it makes women a victim and the deliberateness of it takes the romance out of everything and women never like that. It's almost like how "The Rules" pisses off men. 1
DKT3 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I dunno I think you are right to a point. But I think some don't recognize that is what is really happening on the surface, but maybe deep down if they really thought about it they would. Getting caught up in all of it with out really thinking is the downfall. So as a MW in an affair, can you honestly say as you crossed one boundarie after another not once did you think "this is wrong, I shouldn't be doing this". If you did, then you knew what was going on but didn't stop because you enjoyed it or wanted to see where it leads. If true then the affair was your intent. Of course you didn't get there on your own, without OM getting your guard down and making you feel comfortable in crossing that line then you would have never crossed it. Getting caught up is what you wanted, what you didn't want is the crap that came along with it, guilt shame, regret and not feeling strong enough to remove yourself from the situation. Groomed and intent, without it affairs don't happen. 6
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