azaleas Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I was with my now-ex-boyfriend for 6 years. He cheated on me and left me for the other girl, with whom he is now living. It's been a little over 3 months since he dumped me. I recognize that I am probably not at any point where I am ready to start dating again. What I really would like is, I guess, some encouragement that I will be able to find love again, even if I have to wait a little bit. This whole thing has really screwed me up and messed with my self-esteem. I am still relatively young (24) but for whatever reason, a lot of my friends are either married or happy in long-term-relationships, which makes me feel all the worse since I'm back at square one. I don't even have any clue how to "date" really. My ex was my first serious relationship. And I don't want to get into another relationship just for the sake of being in one. I want a really GOOD relationship. With a guy who makes me feel amazing. But it's not like I ask for all that much, really. I only want someone who WANTS to be with me and is proud to call me his girlfriend, which I guess my ex just couldn't give to me, since he was always out partying with his coworkers and the girl he cheated on me with while I was hidden away at home. I do, however, have certain things I really would like my next boyfriend to have, namely intelligence, the ability to take care of himself financially, and a sense of humor. Also, me being physically attracted to him certainly helps. And then I think things like, "Well, any guy out there that is that amazing has probably been scooped up already. And if he hasn't been taken already, why would he want me, anyway? The girl who couldn't get her man to stay with her after 6 years?" Like I told you, my self-esteem has taken a huge nosedive. It may sound pathetic but it is what it is. I really want to be a wife and mother eventually -- am I going to have to settle for less than amazing if I want to reach that goal? It's depressing to think about. Again, I know I'm not ready to date at the moment, but some encouragement (maybe success stories of people who once felt similar to me but ultimately moved on to someone better) would be helpful on this rough day.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Were you and your ex BF the same age? If so, you knew him from 18-24. Since women usually mature faster than men, it would be natural for you want to an intelligent, financially stable guy. However, men in that age range are primarily concerned with sex and having fun. Since you're only 24, you have your whole life ahead of you. What I would recommend since you have more long term/mature goals is to focus on dating older men that are already established in their life. Dating guys your own age or a bit younger, will probably lead to more of the same maturity level mis-matching. I can personally relate to being an older soul and that's why I always went after older women. But if I had been able to meet a younger woman that was sexy and fit with the emotional maturity and mindset of someone 35-40 that would have been ideal. My current GF and I are both the same age (birthdays are only four days apart) and we're on the same page with goals and lifestyle. So it definitely makes it more enriching when you have that plus intense tear off your clothes sexual chemistry. Good luck to you!
Auspecial Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Sometimes you can "fake it to make it." Not that you are actively seeking a bf, but instead, refusing to accept a life sentence of being sad and feeling hopeless. I remember a long time ago, a relationship ended when I got really sick and in the hospital, my 25 yr old bf left me, and cheated with my ex best friend. She had been xbf a few years, but moved in on him when I was in the hospital. I still blamed him more, b/c I already knew she was garbage anyway. Along with being critically ill, I was also devastated. As I started getting better, I kept going out and pretended I had never been ill. Its easy to fake that when all the other 20 yr old around you are drinking! One night, I was feeling both nostalgic and mad about my ex. I went out with the sole intention of finding the man who looked the most like my ex, and hit on him. Went with friends to a huge venue, and I scanned until I found this person. I approached him, started a conversation, and then we dated exclusively for two years. Didn't lead to marriage., but he was a much much better bf than the one I was trying to get over! The main point being: just keep moving forward. Just think how awful it would have been if you had kids with your ex and then he cheated and left you like that. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 There are positives to your situation. You found out your ex is not right for you. It's unfortunate it took six years and ended with him cheating on you. I'm sorry you're really hurting and you feel bad about yourself, but you will pick yourself up and heal from this. Another positive is you also recognize the bad qualities of your ex, and you have a good idea of what you want. Very few people actually realize this, especially at 24. So count your blessing for having awareness. Don't look at your friends who are married with envy. They probably have their own problems, and they'll be lucky if their marriage survives past the 7 year itch. Just focus on yourself, healing, and when you are ready to date again, finding a man that meets the qualities you desire. When you do go out there again, just have the discipline to not fold and sacrifice your needs for any attractive guy. You are still young, so don't put yourself down for not being in a long term relationship right now. As for help with dating since you are back at square one, I suggest research. Read these message boards, read other people's stories, learn from their mistakes. Read books and articles, talk to friends, co-workers, classmates, or whoever, on dating and relationships. Be inquisitive, empower yourself with knowledge. From there you can pick and choose what you like, what "tricks of the trade" appeal to you, and put them to practice once you are ready to date again.
Versacehottie Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 You will find someone better, trust me. Here's my best advice: be the person you want to attract. Be your best you. It's good that you're recognizing your self-esteem took a hit. First order of business is turning that around. Good luck! Realize small steps add up to a change. And cliche but put a silver lining on that cloud; the sooner that you focus on the bullet you dodged with your cheating ex-bf the sooner you will heal from it. Don't put the focus on yourself for failure of relationship. Cheating is a reflection of his character not you being inadequate.
Author azaleas Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Were you and your ex BF the same age? If so, you knew him from 18-24. Since women usually mature faster than men, it would be natural for you want to an intelligent, financially stable guy. However, men in that age range are primarily concerned with sex and having fun. Actually, my ex is 6 years older than me. That's part of the reason this whole thing has been so confusing to me. But I will say that he has always seemed a lot less mature than his actual age. He was in grad school for pretty much ever and only got his first real full-time job last year. And all of his coworkers are huge partiers. He never was really like that before, but he changed once he started working with them. But at the same time, I do wonder if, now that he's 30, he is going to end up settling down with this girl. That would just be more of a slap in the face for me, but I shouldn't be thinking about him at all. Anyway thank you for your words of encouragement, and I'm glad you and your girlfriend seem so compatible. Auspecial, thank you for that story. I am glad that you were eventually able to move past your crappy ex. Hopefully if I just keep moving forward, I will also be able to say the same one day. I know just sitting around and feeling miserable does not do me any good, so I am trying to force myself to go out more.
Author azaleas Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Frank2thepoint and Versacehottie, thanks so much for your posts. They really do make me feel better -- it's honestly nice to have some people in my corner for once, because I feel like all of my ex's friends and family (who I thought really liked me) seem just oh-so-happy that he's dating this 22-year-old girl he cheated on me with (obviously she's only 2 years younger than me but really, he's 30... what exactly is he doing? He keeps going for younger as he's getting older)..... It's almost like I never even existed and none of them stop to think about how I must be feeling after all this? Okay, clearly I am still thinking about him way too much, but I do have faith that this will fade with time. Anyway, I really appreciate all your advice and input. It's good to know that you think I can find someone better eventually. You're right -- I know better now what I do and don't want from a relationship, and I have faith that I will be able to recognize red flags easier from now on. As much as I wish this didn't happen to me, it's a good learning experience, I think.
Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years and she used to be my world. She was literally everything to me and everything I thought I wanted in a woman. I loved her with all my heart and soul, and was willing to move with her, cut the distance and finally just be together but she cheated on me as well. I thought I would never, ever be good enough for someone else because I gave her everything I could. She wanted to wait till marriage, I waited and never forced her to do something she wouldn't want to do but she cheated on me not once but twice not sexually but did everything we did and it crushed me. After we broke up I felt this total void in my heart, a reason to even try. Why am I forcing myself to finish college so early when there's no reason to move anymore? is what I thought. Why am I working out so much if there's no one to show off my body for? Is what I thought. But then I realized, if she was willing to leave me that easily, to move one so quickly. Leave me for someone and then have sex with him one month after we broke up when she wouldn't want to do it with me. I used this anger, as motivation and I got myself an amazing job offer after I graduate, got myself back into soccer and got myself a pro soccer try out and work out even more. Try to become a better person for myself and my family. I thought I would never meet an amazing girl but I met this incredible beautiful girl who I'm falling head over heels for but I'm trying not to because I'm scared. My ex crushed me, and her ex crushed her. We're both scared of giving each other everything because our prior relationships just took advantage of it. Her ex recently reappeared and I just made a post of it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/523138-she-feels-guilty-kissing-me#post6254557 If nothing happens with this girl, I know that I'm able to move on that girls will find me attractive, and good enough for them. That life does go on after a bad relationship. What I'm trying to say is that never give up and just put yourself out there. Try to be yourself, improve stuff that failed in the last relationship, and most of all just know that the person who matters most is yourself.
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