Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) Hello, so this girl and I like each other and has been getting rather serious really quickly. We've traveled a lot and have only kissed and have been dating for about 2 months now. We recently just picked up a hedgehog yesterday in a 4 hour drive and she began telling me how she feels guilty after we kiss. The reason she feels guilty is because of her ex. She says she doesn't love him but they were together for a few years and it took them 3 years to get to the point we are at, the kissing, makeout and cuddling. We haven't had sex yet. She feels we are moving to quickly when she knew her ex for so long before they got to that point and with me things are just happening so quickly and naturally. Her and i broke up with our respective other 8 months ago. Both of our relationships lasted 5 years. We both sort of guilt that guilty feeling at times after we make out. Should I give up on this? In another note, her ex showed up a few days ago after 8 months of no contact and she said this sort of broke her. Part of me tells me to walk away. Edited April 5, 2015 by Ani Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 We recently just picked up a hedgehog yesterday in a 4 hour drive Wow, things I never expected to read!!!! a hedgehog!!! Wow. Ok, don't give up on her. It's just growing pains and you feel like running because of the uncertainty. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Wow, things I never expected to read!!!! a hedgehog!!! Wow. Ok, don't give up on her. It's just growing pains and you feel like running because of the uncertainty. Good luck Haha we did! We got it yesterday. http://i.imgur.com/1AJLl9I.jpg I won't but at times it just gets hard because I have to ask her if I can kiss her. And she will say yes. We aren't BF and GF yet, we are sort of getting there and it seems to scare her. We make out and stuff and she's happy but then she says she feels this small guilt for it as if she cheated. I'm not trying to force anything on to her and I'm ok with how things are. We talked about things that bothered us and it seems to her the thing that bothers her the most is that. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 ahhhh very cute. ok well she obviously needs time to warm up. Maybe you guys are from a pretty conservative background and/or that guy was her first love so she is pretty inexperienced. Give it some time. but make sure at a certain point that she is not stringing you along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 ahhhh very cute. ok well she obviously needs time to warm up. Maybe you guys are from a pretty conservative background and/or that guy was her first love so she is pretty inexperienced. Give it some time. but make sure at a certain point that she is not stringing you along. We would be each others second relationship if it turns official and I guess it scares us both. One question though, should I be worried about her ex reappearing? They ended in good terms. I trust her, and she says she only talks to me romantically, and is dating only me but I still have that insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Jeez, she thinks you're moving too fast for kissing and it took her HOW LONG to get that far with her previous BF? God that's slow. Something tells me you're not getting the whole story. I'd walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Jeez, she thinks you're moving too fast for kissing and it took her HOW LONG to get that far with her previous BF? God that's slow. YES! and I won't wait that long obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 well it would be a waste of energy and probably detrimental to your relationship to worry about it. When a person is trustworthy, like she is, you just have to take a leap of faith and a risk. It is always possible that he can return. It is always possible that she could be receptive toward it if he did. You will only drive her away with your insecurity about it. If you have a stronger relationship in place and she considers you the best guy she could get, then he would have little power to change things if he did show back up. Therefore it's in your best interest for every reason to work on building your own relationship with no/or very little thought of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Jeez, she thinks you're moving too fast for kissing and it took her HOW LONG to get that far with her previous BF? God that's slow. Something tells me you're not getting the whole story. I'd walk. I kinda feel this vibe. I know she's single, and I know they've broken up for a while. She just told me yesterday that her ex reappeared at her door step 2 weeks ago, and that it just crushed her. This would explain why she began feeling this guilt. When it wasn't there prior. I've thought about walking away as well but I have became emotionally attached to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 well it would be a waste of energy and probably detrimental to your relationship to worry about it. When a person is trustworthy, like she is, you just have to take a leap of faith and a risk. It is always possible that he can return. It is always possible that she could be receptive toward it if he did. You will only drive her away with your insecurity about it. If you have a stronger relationship in place and she considers you the best guy she could get, then he would have little power to change things if he did show back up. Therefore it's in your best interest for every reason to work on building your own relationship with no/or very little thought of him. That's the thing. She has been completely honest about everything, even things that would have caused us to just stop talking to each other and it makes me like her more. She just tells me what has been bothering her instead of saying hte typical "nothing". This entire conversation about what has been bothering her and ex was brought up by me. I asked her, what has been the sudden change since we began kissing, prior to it you were just so ready for a relationship. She just began pouring everything out about how it took her so long to get to this step with her ex, how he showed up at her house, and she was heartbroken by it, and the he still tries to come visit her. But that she's only sees a relationship with me, and that the only guy she's talking to is me but that seeing her ex just broke her. That she likes me because when she's with me she finally sees someone who doesn't want to change a single thing about her, who pushes her to be the best she can be, and listens to her. How everyone wants to change her but not me. Her total honestly is what makes it hard for me because my ex lied about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 OP I don't necessarily think anything is going on with her ExBF, and Vers is RIGHT sometimes it does take a leap of faith in the other person. What concerns me more is that she wants to move extremely slow with showing physical affection (kissing/making out). Having a relationship without adequate physical affection is a red flag to me. I would ask myself - are they REALLY into me? Question - How old are you two? It sounds like you really like her, so I think you need to talk to her and get everything out in the open. If your relationship is meant to survive, it will. Me personally - I won't continue dating a girl if I haven't at least kissed her by date 3. One of the last girls I dated we were kissing on Date 2, Making out on date 3, heavily making out/groping on date 4. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 If you are happy then I don't see no reason to just walk away. Some people like weirdos I guess. I don't and I certainly won't be happy if I have to wait months for a kiss . Get out of here.... If it takes so long for her to kiss a guy, will it take even longer for her to get over a guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 OP I don't necessarily think anything is going on with her ExBF, and Vers is RIGHT sometimes it does take a leap of faith in the other person. What concerns me more is that she wants to move extremely slow with showing physical affection (kissing/making out). Having a relationship without adequate physical affection is a red flag to me. I would ask myself - are they REALLY into me? Question - How old are you two? It sounds like you really like her, so I think you need to talk to her and get everything out in the open. If your relationship is meant to survive, it will. She says there isn't and I trust her but she just says it hurts when he comes to visit. He owns a company with her family so he has to visit but she hadn't seen him in 8 months until 2 weeks ago. This is the part that also concerns me. She began saying "there's a 90 percent chance this isn't going to work out because of our age difference and upbringing." Said this yesterday. That sort of stung, she's 18 and i'm 23. I don't find the age difference huge and I don't mind it. She says the best time she has with me is when we go out as just friends, and then kiss at the end and not when we go out as partners and try to just kiss here and there. I agree with that because that's when I enjoy her company more. Maybe i'm just forcing things. She just says it scares her, that she was never the one to initiate kissing with her ex, and with me she does it constantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 She says there isn't and I trust her but she just says it hurts when he comes to visit. He owns a company with her family so he has to visit but she hadn't seen him in 8 months until 2 weeks ago. This is the part that also concerns me. She began saying "there's a 90 percent chance this isn't going to work out because of our age difference and upbringing." Said this yesterday. That sort of stung, she's 18 and i'm 23. I don't find the age difference huge and I don't mind it. She says the best time she has with me is when we go out as just friends, and then kiss at the end and not when we go out as partners and try to just kiss here and there. I agree with that because that's when I enjoy her company more. Maybe i'm just forcing things. She just says it scares her, that she was never the one to initiate kissing with her ex, and with me she does it constantly. Her young age explains why she's moving slow physically most likely. She might still be a virgin even? This makes it a bit more understandable as to why she is moving so slow. But if she told you that it "might not work out" I would run for the hills. That basically means that she's not ready to break up with you, but if the right guy (her ex?) came along, she'd dump you in a heartbeat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Forgot to mention she's a mormon. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 She has issues. I'd walk. You can't waste your valuable time on people with issues. Wish her well and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 Her young age explains why she's moving slow physically most likely. She might still be a virgin even? This makes it a bit more understandable as to why she is moving so slow. But if she told you that it "might not work out" I would run for the hills. That basically means that she's not ready to break up with you, but if the right guy (her ex?) came along, she'd dump you in a heartbeat. I think she said that because she lied to me while we began dating, she said she was 18 but just turned 18. We began kissing and stuff like that when she turned 18. She says she feels this guilt about having lied to me, and was crying nonstop when she told me that she was sorry about having lied about her age, and that her bday was that day instead of June 20th. She said she has thought about getting back with her ex but it won't happen because they are just to different. He was a racist, didn't listen and wanted to control her and with me she can just be herself and she loves that the most about me. She's to honest and it just sucks at times. Right now she's hanging out with her friend, my mind tells me "She's with her ex" but she then sent me a picture of her friend and it's a girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Forgot to mention she's a mormon. i knew you were going to say that. And pretty sure you were going to say she was around 18. I agree that you can't wait forever for a kiss because then you're not really dating, are you? But keep it in perspective with her upbringing and her age. I'd be most concerned about her saying that it wasn't going to work out because of your ages. It's not the facts of that statement; it's that her mind has already gone to this place and is coming up with excuses and reasons, when in fact most people planning to stay in it think of reasons why to stay in not why it won't survive. I know that the one time I said something similar on a 2nd date, it was just a matter of time before I pulled the plug. It didn't matter how great the guy was. It was the way I viewed it. Mine was not about ages but about not being right for each other. But in the subsequent months, he was/is a good guy so I found it really hard to break up. The real reason i stayed for the most part was I leaned on him and i felt really close to him (from a friendship point of view) and he never did anything wrong or bad to me so I definitely had no reason to. But it wasn't fair to him. Don't get nervous by me telling you this story, just be cautious. I definitely believe that you should fight for what you want and be confident in doing so. After all, you are already in it so you owe it to yourself to find out---unless she treats you badly or is dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 i knew you were going to say that. And pretty sure you were going to say she was around 18. I agree that you can't wait forever for a kiss because then you're not really dating, are you? But keep it in perspective with her upbringing and her age. I'd be most concerned about her saying that it wasn't going to work out because of your ages. It's not the facts of that statement; it's that her mind has already gone to this place and is coming up with excuses and reasons, when in fact most people planning to stay in it think of reasons why to stay in not why it won't survive. I know that the one time I said something similar on a 2nd date, it was just a matter of time before I pulled the plug. It didn't matter how great the guy was. It was the way I viewed it. Mine was not about ages but about not being right for each other. But in the subsequent months, he was/is a good guy so I found it really hard to break up. The real reason i stayed for the most part was I leaned on him and i felt really close to him (from a friendship point of view) and he never did anything wrong or bad to me so I definitely had no reason to. But it wasn't fair to him. Don't get nervous by me telling you this story, just be cautious. I definitely believe that you should fight for what you want and be confident in doing so. After all, you are already in it so you owe it to yourself to find out---unless she treats you badly or is dishonest. She said she feels it's not going to workout because she lied about her age in the beginning. Saying she was 18 when she was 17, and then turning 18 while we were already sort of growing attached. She says she likes me a lot, and that she finds it weird she initiates kisses when she used to never do this with her ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 She said she feels it's not going to workout because she lied about her age in the beginning. Saying she was 18 when she was 17, and then turning 18 while we were already sort of growing attached. She says she likes me a lot, and that she finds it weird she initiates kisses when she used to never do this with her ex. Well you have to take into account that she is highly moral. I can emphasize highly! Some people, particularly with strong religious upbringings, feel guilt in ways normal dating 18 year olds would not. She believes you two started on a lie and feels guilty for it. She feels guilty for having sexual feelings for you to the point that she is an initiator; even when it is just kissing. This kind of stuff may continue to come up throughout your time together. Don't discount her moral beliefs. They obviously influence her greatly. Can you deal with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ani Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 Well you have to take into account that she is highly moral. I can emphasize highly! Some people, particularly with strong religious upbringings, feel guilt in ways normal dating 18 year olds would not. She believes you two started on a lie and feels guilty for it. She feels guilty for having sexual feelings for you to the point that she is an initiator; even when it is just kissing. This kind of stuff may continue to come up throughout your time together. Don't discount her moral beliefs. They obviously influence her greatly. Can you deal with it? I think I can and I don't want to disrespect her. I just find it difficult when we are about to kiss and we do and then she's really happy but then she tells me she feels this guilt over it. It's like Woo we kissed! then it's like oh..i'm sorry. She says she feels like she's cheating but that she wants to kiss me. She just isn't ready for the physical aspect of things. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 This is simple: She isn't her over her ex. She's not ready to be in a relationship with you. How does that make you feel that the pleasure that should come from kissing you is overshadowed by thoughts of her ex? That's not right. Sorry, OP, but I think you're wasting your time with this one. Her head and hear aren't with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 This sounds like good old fashioned religious issues to me. LDS are more conservative with the dating concept than some mainstream denominations. Which would have her acting like a 12 year old when she's 18. I wouldn't expect dating to ever be normal with this girl but if you like her she is being honest, you don't need to run. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I think I can and I don't want to disrespect her. I just find it difficult when we are about to kiss and we do and then she's really happy but then she tells me she feels this guilt over it. It's like Woo we kissed! then it's like oh..i'm sorry. She says she feels like she's cheating but that she wants to kiss me. She just isn't ready for the physical aspect of things. You may be emotionally attached to her, but it's obvious SHE is still emotionally attached to her ex! The fact she said she feels like she is cheating, among other things, is clear evidence of that. If you're okay with being "sloppy second" as my lovely late mom used to say, feel free to continue on with this whackiness. I wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 recently just picked up a hedgehog Dang, I never wanted to pick-up a hedgehog but if I ever do, ....I'll be asking you how to do it. I'd continue to see her and press for more physical interaction, but keep looking to date others. Often the presence of another female in your life will make her decide to "cement" your relationship with more than kissing. Link to post Share on other sites
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