Vintage79 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I'm wondering on what peoples' perspective is on whether or not it is necessary to have a talk with someone you're dating about exclusivity. Is this talk necessary and useful, or a waste of time? Is this something that is a turn off, neutral, appreciated, or a turn on? If this conversation happens, is it simply, "are we dating other people", or do you usually try to define other aspects of the relationship? At what point do you have this talk (days, weeks, months, number of dates, dating frequency, sex, etc.)> Additionally, I have read a few conversation on Loveshack about this topic, but answers seem conflicted - if you have an exclusivity talk, does this differ from a committed relationship? If yes, how? And if yes, do you try to define these differences during an exclusivity talk, or just forego an exclusivity talk and talk commitment when that time seems right? If you have this talk, are BF/GF type titles appropriate, or do you forego those until a later time? Yeah - I'm kind of clueless when it comes to this type of conversation - I've dated a lot in the past, and have had several long term relationships, but I saw a few posts on this topic, and it seemed to be different than what I've done in the past, so I'm curious to see how people view this type of conversation, so I can figure out if it's something that I should try to infuse into the dating trajectory.
Frank2thepoint Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Having a talk about exclusivity or a committed relationship is for the peace of mind that you and your partner are on the same page. No confusion. The talk is communication, and all relationships need communication. I can't image it being a turn off to the other person, but then if it is, you know very well you two aren't on the same page. There does seem to be a division as to what exclusivity means. Some think, such as I, that it means a relationship, for others it means exclusively dating but not yet a relationship. So it's just best to be direct and ask for a relationship, if that's what you want. As for when is the right time, well there no hard rule on that. Some people have it before sex, some during, some after. So when you see yourself getting sexually intimate with the other person, then it is a good time to bring it up.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I'd say it's necessary to be on the same page so no one gets hurt. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm wondering on what peoples' perspective is on whether or not it is necessary to have a talk with someone you're dating about exclusivity. Is this talk necessary and useful, or a waste of time? Is this something that is a turn off, neutral, appreciated, or a turn on? If this conversation happens, is it simply, "are we dating other people", or do you usually try to define other aspects of the relationship? At what point do you have this talk (days, weeks, months, number of dates, dating frequency, sex, etc.)> Additionally, I have read a few conversation on Loveshack about this topic, but answers seem conflicted - if you have an exclusivity talk, does this differ from a committed relationship? If yes, how? And if yes, do you try to define these differences during an exclusivity talk, or just forego an exclusivity talk and talk commitment when that time seems right? If you have this talk, are BF/GF type titles appropriate, or do you forego those until a later time? Yeah - I'm kind of clueless when it comes to this type of conversation - I've dated a lot in the past, and have had several long term relationships, but I saw a few posts on this topic, and it seemed to be different than what I've done in the past, so I'm curious to see how people view this type of conversation, so I can figure out if it's something that I should try to infuse into the dating trajectory. It's important to make sure that whomever you are dating is on the same page as you are about each others dating goals in general. Early on, there should be some casual conversation about what you each want for yourselves, i.e. casual relationship, long-term committed as an end goal as individuals. If the couple is on the same page with that at least and are moving forward to intimacy, then a talk about exclusivity should occur. Exclusivity is the period in which each of the two are exploring the possibility for a deeper relationship and focusing on that one person. The couple needs to be on the same page as to what exclusivity means to them. IN other words, some people feel that exclusivity is the point at which they are boyfriend and girlfriend. But exclusivity usually occurs at the 2 to 3 month mark. Perhaps too soon to decide whether they want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. These kinds of talks at various stages of a new relationship is about managing emotions and expectations and keeping in mind that at each stage of evaluation, one or the other may decide to move on. Having these kinds of talks periodically, also takes the "temperature" of the relationship. YOu will discover whether or not the person is getting invested or not. It eliminates all the wondering that happens at times. 1
Diezel Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 So you go on a job interview and you decide it has gone well. They seem enthusiastic, and so do you. Everything about it has potential and you really want this to work out. Do you just show up the next day to work? Same principle. 3
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I had never heard of exclusive talks until the internet. I think if a woman ever brought that up I'd fall out of my chair, lol It's normal to be exclusive. What kind of people do you peeps date?!
kendahke Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Do you want to be the last to know that they're having sex with others? Why would you assume that they weren't? Because they liked you? They clearly can like others, too. You have to do it for your own sense of boundaries. You have to get clear that you are exclusively seeing one another and not having sex with others, if that's the road you want to take. If you don't, then say that too so everyone knows where they stand. You also have to get clear on being committed and involved with one another in a relationship. That can't be left up to assumption. I can't think of any reason why not getting clear on that is a good idea. Not one.
Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm wondering on what peoples' perspective is on whether or not it is necessary to have a talk with someone you're dating about exclusivity. Is this talk necessary and useful, or a waste of time? Is this something that is a turn off, neutral, appreciated, or a turn on? If this conversation happens, is it simply, "are we dating other people", or do you usually try to define other aspects of the relationship? At what point do you have this talk (days, weeks, months, number of dates, dating frequency, sex, etc.)> Additionally, I have read a few conversation on Loveshack about this topic, but answers seem conflicted - if you have an exclusivity talk, does this differ from a committed relationship? If yes, how? And if yes, do you try to define these differences during an exclusivity talk, or just forego an exclusivity talk and talk commitment when that time seems right? If you have this talk, are BF/GF type titles appropriate, or do you forego those until a later time? Yeah - I'm kind of clueless when it comes to this type of conversation - I've dated a lot in the past, and have had several long term relationships, but I saw a few posts on this topic, and it seemed to be different than what I've done in the past, so I'm curious to see how people view this type of conversation, so I can figure out if it's something that I should try to infuse into the dating trajectory. I am a fan of conversations. It's good to know whether you're sexually exclusive and separately whether you are in a relationship. In a relationship typically means sexually exclusive unless agreed otherwise but sexually exclusive does not mean in a relationship. More talking, plenty of honesty, fewer misunderstsndings.
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Good people in love are naturally exclusive. Like I said, what kind of peeps are you dating?!
Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Good people in love are naturally exclusive. Like I said, what kind of peeps are you dating?! Love takes a long time. a year or more. These conversations happen earlier. Not to mention, I have many poly happily married friends who would disagree with you!
Author Vintage79 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) Good people in love are naturally exclusive. Like I said, what kind of peeps are you dating?! Gary, much like you, I've never had this kind of talk before, but after a little snooping online, I read about it - so the entire concept is kind of foreign to me, hence my post. I posted because I've been dating someone for 2-3 months (the time when a lot of online sources say it's time for the talk) and I told her a while ago that I went out on a few dates with other people after I met her, but I haven't gone out with anyone else outside of ~the first few weeks/month that we knew each other - I closed my online profile a while ago, she hasn't closed hers, but hasn't logged on for a month (I just reactivated then disabled my profile to find that out for this post - I'm not a stalker! -I hadn't logged onto that site for ~1.5 months until just now). At this point we see each other 4+ times/week, whenever we see each other we spend the night together, and she's said she doesn't want to sleep with anyone other than me. Sure, she could be making everything up, but the nights we don't spend together, there's usually some form of communication (that day, or the day prior), so I know where she's at (again, she could be lying, but I've never had the impression that she fabricates stories). As such, there's not much time for her to be hunting for other guys, she's not using online sources (which she has said has been her primary source of dates as of late), she tries to stay in touch very regularly, initiating a fair amount of if I don't, and we're both looking for a serious relationship... That said, it seems pretty obvious where we stand, but yeah - I've never had "the talk", so I'm wondering if there's incremental value to having it. Edited April 6, 2015 by Vintage79
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Love takes a long time. a year or more. These conversations happen earlier. - I have news for you, it only takes two months. Not to mention, I have many poly happily married friends who would disagree with you! - If you believe in sharing your wife/husband, I guess you should ask some weird questions
Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 - I have news for you, it only takes two months. - If you believe in sharing your wife/husband, I guess you should ask some weird questions I am not personally poly, but there's nothing wrong with it or lesser about it. Two months? That's not love. That's strong affection and lust and awesome, but love is forged through time and mutual experience and victories. That's like calling a tent a house. It may give you shelter, but it doesnt quite have the strength and fortitude for the title.
Author Vintage79 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 I am not personally poly, but there's nothing wrong with it or lesser about it. Two months? That's not love. That's strong affection and lust and awesome, but love is forged through time and mutual experience and victories. That's like calling a tent a house. It may give you shelter, but it doesnt quite have the strength and fortitude for the title. 2 months may be a bit too fast, but it certainly happens in less than a year (most of the time). Love timelines are obviously different for different couples, but once you get out of the infatuation phase of a dating/relationship, you can start to assess love with at least a marginally realistic perspective - that's usually at the 3-4 month timeline, so tack on another month or two to figure out what it really is to you (i.e. you can likely make the Love assessment in 4-6 months)
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 To me, both parties are free to date other people & it's not cheating until they have a conversation & agree to be exclusive. You don't have to have the conversation but there are consequences for failing to have it -- meaning you don't know if your SO is also dating other people. 1
elaine567 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 That said, it seems pretty obvious where we stand, but yeah - I've never had "the talk", so I'm wondering if there's incremental value to having it. I think you pretty much had "the talk" if she says she is not sleeping with anyone else and neither are you. Exclusivity should really be talked about before having sex, and tests done to establish STD status. Exclusivity does not equal the commitment talk, some seem to get confused over that. Exclusivity is not about having a relationship, marrying, having babies and dying in each others arms Exclusivity is merely making sure the risks of contracting an STD are very low. Exclusivity talk can be after 1 day or 100 days, it all depends on when sex is introduced into the relationship.
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