Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Well if you dated someone and then chose to tell him about it after like 6 months then isn't that lying? If you did porn in the past (obviously something a guy would be concerned about whether he judged or not) then only telling him after he's developed feelings is very controlling and even worse. The only good guy that would be the exception would be if the OP told him about it on the 1st or 2nd date and he was still a gentleman after. Good points, thank you. Its hard to judge when to tell. Too early; they dont deserve to know such private detail. Too late; they can feel mislead. I told them after about a month. If i told guys after the first date then i can potentially end up telling too many people, making it more likely that it would come out. Although i live in a big city its still "a small world" if you know what i mean.
kendahke Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 The last guy said that every man is looking for a pure women and no man would want an ex porn actress as the mother for his kids. He doesn't speak for all men. Not all men thrash and drown in this kind of information.
Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 A couple questions: Would you say, with the last BF, that this disclosure was a pivotal point in the deterioration or end of the relationship? If so, absent that, if you hadn't told, or before you told, did you feel strong mutual attraction and synergy in the relationship? Overall, compare how you felt with the guys who you did tell, were OK with it, and with whom the R's didn't work out and the most recent guy. Then, look at who ended the respective relationships and compare Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, you are right the last guy was a lost cannon anyway. He claimed this porn issue as the reason for breaking up but it wouldnt have worked anyway. He was racist and misogyinist etc. The others seemed fine about it but now i wonder if deep down it changed their feelings towards me. They all ended it citing other reasons.
carhill Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Thanks for the response. We now have a common point of, in all cases, the men ending the relationship. That's something to work with. Do you think it's worthwhile to try a different approach like the one you brought forth in the title question? Why? Do you feel you'd be deceptive, or not, if you didn't 'tell'? Why? Examine that. Also, were you dating these men with the prospect of life partner and family on your mind? Or, other? What are your goals today? Oh, one last question: Was there a common point in the dating/relationship process where/when you disclosed your past life? If so, what was it?
Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Yeah you thought that because you bought into the whole "never judge a person's past" BS. Everyone says it, and it's very easy to say when it's not you that has to avoid the judging. Your last guy probably said it himself, but of course we don't do as we preach. The past is very important, any intelligent person will know of the importance of a track record and only a fool will really believe that the past is irrelevant. I myself am someone that socially says that the past is irrelevant because I don't want to be anti-social or to prevent a date/gf from telling me something that she wouldn't have otherwise. There are documentaries about the lives of strippers and pornstars and almost universally all of them date pretty bad guys. There is a podcast called DVDASA where one of the participants (Asa Akira, top 10 most famous pornstar) says that most pornstars date other pornstars, most strippers basically pay their bfs money, etc). Again, society says one thing but in reality it's very different. Just don't tell him because it's almost impossible to find a great guy that isn't going to judge or get the wrong impression. If you know in your heart that you truly are a good person with a good moral compass and value system then there is no point in telling the guy, especially when there is almost no way he could find out (again it was pre tube-site era right?). No, i didnt buy into the never judge a person's past. I have been told things about guys' past that i couldnt help but be judgemental about: one had a history of drink driving and one cheated on all of his partners. I think those things are pretty bad too. I didnt like it but put it down to past mistakes. Im also not as stupid as to think the past doesnt matter at all. But something that happened 13 years ago is not a track record, or is it? I have a track record of doing porn so the guy will worry thatc i fall back into my old ways and go back to porn or what? I would have thought a track record matters if its a good way to predict future behaviour. Im not sure what tube era mean? Anything can be put on youtube or ruderube or porntube or whatever, even a movie from the 60's, no? It was 2002.
Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Thanks for the response. We now have a common point of, in all cases, the men ending the relationship. That's something to work with. Do you think it's worthwhile to try a different approach like the one you brought forth in the title question? Why? Do you feel you'd be deceptive, or not, if you didn't 'tell'? Why? Examine that. Also, were you dating these men with the prospect of life partner and family on your mind? Or, other? What are your goals today? Oh, one last question: Was there a common point in the dating/relationship process where/when you disclosed your past life? If so, what was it? Good questions. I have always entered every relationship with the hope of it being the one that leads to marriage. I cant think of a common point other than it was about a month into the relationship in all cases. Some were already more serious at that point, some i wasnt even sleeping with. They all stayed with me for various time afterwards ranging from another 2 months to another 1.5 years. I feel like im damned if i do damned if i dont. If i dont tell i worry that they find out in another way and feel hurt/ mislead. I honestly dont know if it is deceptive to keep it to myself. Seems like the answers on here range from "its your private business you have no moral responsibility to tell" to " unless you tell early on its lying to them". If i dont tell then i worry for the rest of the relationship. If i do tell then i worry that they are struggling with it but are not telling me. They realistically can see that it didnt turn me into a bad person but someone still feel that they cant look at me the same way. Maybe they cant even rationalise it to themselves or if they do they still dont point it out to me because they dont want to hurt me. But it affects their feelings for me in subtle ways. Or maybe im just paranoid.
hotpotato Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Almost every single one after maybe 2009. Every porn actress uses a stage name even on the legal papers, to protect their real name. In the end unless she grew up and still lives in a cave there will be 1 person that'll recognize her and then give it out. Look for any porno, lookup the adult pornstar (you'll either see this posted by a commenter on the comments section, on the actual title, search tags or if you do a video search and see it on another website) and if you search the internet hard enough you will find her name. Im not getting what you say. After 2009? Nowadays you could find your granny doing porn as a youth. Its not too hard to find real names nowadays. Agreed. I know cuz I just looked someone up. It was very easy to find her real name. Its easy to cross reference their porn profiles with their fb. This isnt directed at op specifically, but if you do porn you need to be cool with everyone knowing -and seeing- what you do. That includes bfs, prospective bfs, your mom, dad, hubby everyone. I would go for rock n roll guys, ultra liberal dudes, etc.
hotpotato Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Natalie8, plenty of female porn stars have hubbies and kids. 1
Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 What do you mean cross reference their porn profile to their fb? IT is not my strongest point so im sorry if that sounds ignorant but how can you find someone's real name just from knowing their porn name? Unless they have a webpage where there are images they also have on fb and you can copy and paste the pic into google images? 13 years ago i was a bit naive about the whole internet thing. I know, stupid me
hotpotato Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 What do you mean cross reference their porn profile to their fb? IT is not my strongest point so im sorry if that sounds ignorant but how can you find someone's real name just from knowing their porn name? Unless they have a webpage where there are images they also have on fb and you can copy and paste the pic into google images? 13 years ago i was a bit naive about the whole internet thing. I know, stupid me Its ok, hun. Breathe everything is gonna be ok! Quite a few women have done porn. Most women like you will only do it once. What you did was totally understandable. You *needed* money for something legit. I think only more famous porn stars have that profile. It just means you look at their fb info and their adult profile. Contrast and compare. I seriously doubt this scenario will happen to you. Btw this woman i looked up has a husband and 3 kids. Really whod a thunk you could plug a picture into google and search for it? I wouldnt call that naive. 1
wb1988 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) Im not getting what you say. After 2009? Nowadays you could find your granny doing porn as a youth. Its not too hard to find real names nowadays. Agreed. I know cuz I just looked someone up. It was very easy to find her real name. Its easy to cross reference their porn profiles with their fb. This isnt directed at op specifically, but if you do porn you need to be cool with everyone knowing -and seeing- what you do. That includes bfs, prospective bfs, your mom, dad, hubby everyone. I would go for rock n roll guys, ultra liberal dudes, etc. It's very difficult to find out about porn actresses that did 1 or 2 pornos before tube sites started to appear (i.e. free porn sites with comments section). I'd say if it was before 2009, actually maybe less like 2007 then you'd be pretty safe for privacy if you never developed a cult. I think it was from 2007 that porn developed a huge mainstream following where the masses actually started discussing the actual performers. Ok what I'm trying to say is that 13 years ago is like her doing it on VHS with all the tapes destroyed or in someones attic that they will never watch or upload. If she did it in the last few years, then she'd definitely have to tell because it's likely that he'll find out somehow eventually — they could be married for 20 years with kids and a random guy in a bar mentions how he loves her work. What do you mean cross reference their porn profile to their fb? IT is not my strongest point so im sorry if that sounds ignorant but how can you find someone's real name just from knowing their porn name? Unless they have a webpage where there are images they also have on fb and you can copy and paste the pic into google images? 13 years ago i was a bit naive about the whole internet thing. I know, stupid me Don't worry about all that, I'm telling you it's almost impossible if it was before the tube-site era. 13 years ago is 2002, no way will it resurface to the point where someone will recognize you, especially when you never developed a following. Its ok, hun. Breathe everything is gonna be ok! Quite a few women have done porn. Most women like you will only do it once. What you did was totally understandable. You *needed* money for something legit. Bad advice. If she says that she needed the money for 'so and so' then it brings up the argument of how she could have done something else — best to not even bring up why. The guy might then say that if she needed money again then maybe she'll go back to porn (it's a valid point). Also saying that many women have done porn is also a bad point because although that is true the percentage is still negligible otherwise you actually would have lots of guys asking "hey, have you ever done porn?". If she does reveal her past then making up any excuses or saying that "many women do it" is only going to make her seem more 'dirty'. Once again my advice is to do absolutely nothing. Don't mention it, don't even think about it anymore. A poster earlier said that he would want to know but at the same time would rather not know — I think if there is no chance of it resurfacing then there is no point in telling. Edited April 6, 2015 by wb1988
hotpotato Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 It's very difficult to find out about porn actresses that did 1 or 2 pornos before tube sites started to appear (i.e. free porn sites with comments section). I'd say if it was before 2009, actually maybe less like 2007 then you'd be pretty safe for privacy if you never developed a cult. I think it was from 2007 that porn developed a huge mainstream following where the masses actually started discussing the actual performers. Ok what I'm trying to say is that 13 years ago is like her doing it on VHS with all the tapes destroyed or in someones attic that they will never watch or upload. If she did it in the last few years, then she'd definitely have to tell because it's likely that he'll find out somehow eventually — they could be married for 20 years with kids and a random guy in a bar mentions how he loves her work.[/Quote] Ok...If your grandma did porn 50 years ago, its on the internet somewhere. Theres porn on the net from 100 years ago, but not from 13? Pfffft. True, shes not as visible as girls who can have made a career out of it, but it could still be found. Of course, I dont know if media in question is on the net, but its only been 13 years. And porn didnt become popular in 2009. People have been talking about porn stars for decades. Also, the net isnt the only place people see porn... Whether or not she wants to tell, or how fast she wants to tell. Don't worry about all that, I'm telling you it's almost impossible if it was before the tube-site era. 13 years ago is 2002, no way will it resurface to the point where someone will recognize you, especially when you never developed a following. Ok. Bad advice. If she says that she needed the money for 'so and so' then it brings up the argument of how she could have done something else — best to not even bring up why. The guy might then say that if she needed money again then maybe she'll go back to porn (it's a valid point). Also saying that many women have done porn is also a bad point because although that is true the percentage is still negligible otherwise you actually would have lots of guys asking "hey, have you ever done porn?". If she does reveal her past then making up any excuses or saying that "many women do it" is only going to make her seem more 'dirty'. Something else, like work 100hrs a week at *insert low paying job here. Maybe she needs somone who is...understanding...
lgspot Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I was listening to serrius radio a while back and two porn stars that had been in the business for years were talking about this very subject.. Cristy Canyon and Ginger Lynn. Both stated they had dated men from all areas of society. Both said they are honest with the men they are involved with. They said if it mattered, they wouldn't want to date them anyway. They did a "where are they now" of where several past porn stars are and what they were doing today (few names given for privacy reasons). Many were happily married housewives. Several were successful business women, etc...etc... basically a cross section of society. Some not so fortunate. Point being, many women have done some form of porn. There were thousands like you who did a shoot or two and done. Others the industry ate up and spit out. I would say you are one of the smart ones who tried it and moved on. Speaks for your intelligence. You have also made something of your life, and are accomplishing things TODAY. Who you are today is what matters!!! Porn 13 years ago is much different than today. Today it is a billion $$$$ industry. Years ago two shoots could have turned into numerous movies. They did compilations where they paste various scenes together and release under different titles. Many innocent girls were ripped off. They got paid for "the shoot" yet that shoot could have turned up in any number of videos. The stars made "some" money, but companies/producers were making the big bucks. OP could have ended up in several videos with just 2 shoots. ---My answers below remain the same… ************************************************************ Originally Posted by Natalie8 This was over 13 years ago. I have done well in my life since, i put myself through uni, i have a good job now and i try to go out of my way to do good things, i have voluntered, i donate blood regularly and i work with special needs children. I am loyal whenever with someone and i would like nothing more than settling down and have children. Have had std test loads of times and im all clear! ************************************************************* The paragraph above is all I would need to know. Its who you are the matters. After all I've been through, I'm pretty choosy who I date now. I would date that girl!!!! If I fell in love with that girl--I WOULD MARRY HER!!! Forget it. You are living an honorable life NOW... Pick the right guy and it won't matter when the time is right. As others have said, forgive yourself. We all do things based on circumstance. I don't feel those two shoots defines you. Again I say, It won't matter to the right guy!!!! Who you are as a person is what matters. The guy that let the girl in the highlighted post above get away is a fool!!! So many people prejudge. No need to let random dates know your entire history.... ****I have no doubt that you will do what's right when the time is right Happy dating! 2
Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Thank you lgspot and everyone else for your input! I would never use the line of "other girls do it too" , however explaining my circumstances is important i believe. And its not an excuse. Knowing that i wasnt doing it to buy handbags and shoes, or because i was too lazy to do anything else does make a difference i think. Doesnt make it ok but i certainly think its a mitigating factor. As for me doing it again whenever i need money being a valid point..given how much pain it caused me it would be crazy for me to do it again. Besides i have a good job thst pays ok, i can also get a loan or use a credit card if i need money.and porn being where it is now , with so many amatures doing it for free, is not profitable anymore anyway. So now i wouldnt do it again if i needed money. I dont think that most guys would worry about that. 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I don't think it'll matter to the guy who loves you, If it does, then move on, because there will be a better fitting shoe, While I don't think that EVERYTHING should be discussed immediately, I do think that the one you share your life with should know eventually. 1
jgirl8 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 In my eyes you did nothing wrong so if he judges you for this then he is not the right person for you anyway. I would tell, simply because you dont want to live 'in fear' that it might come out one day. When to tell exactly is a hard call. I understand your dilemma and wish you good luck with the next guy!
darkmoon Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) no, just forget it, imo, he might even have a similar story he likes to bury too you are not even the same person now Edited May 25, 2015 by darkmoon
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Your sexual past wouldn't bother me at all. Some guys would think you are some kind of slut. That's a tough call. Normally total honesty is the best policy. What's the realistic possibility of anyone you date ever finding your porn images? If low to none, I'd probably keep it to yourself, unless asked specifically or close to it. 2 scenes doesn't make you a pro.
hotpotato Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 I don't think it'll matter to the guy who loves you, If it does, then move on, because there will be a better fitting shoe, While I don't think that EVERYTHING should be discussed immediately, I do think that the one you share your life with should know eventually. Ditto, this is def not topic for those first few dates!
Art_Critic Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Keep it to yourself and one day if the relationship moves on to something serious like marriage then you can let him in on it, it isn't really a secret that is worth telling and ruining your self esteem over
bubbaganoosh Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you for your replies. I did 2 shootings not just 2 scenes so i dont know how many movies they got cut into. What i was trying to ask in my original post is that is it dishonest if i dont tell/ dont bring it up..unless he asks, as i wouldnt lie..and then im unlucky enough that the guy(or a friend of his) comes across it would he have a right to say that i mislead or tricked him or pretended a false persona? The last guy said that every man is looking for a pure women and no man would want an ex porn actress as the mother for his kids. If i look at it like that then guys do deserve to know so they can make an informed decision on whether they want me as a mother for their kids. On the other hand i dont feel that it defines me or im a bad unreliable unstable character because of it and would worry that the guy would look at me differently forever..even if he stayed with me... Ask yourself this and I'm not putting you down when I say this just so you understand. Suppose you met a guy and one thing leads to another and you marry him or get engaged and start planning a wedding and you found out that he committed a crime in his past and did jail time and never told you. How would you feel? Would you feel that he lied to you or deceived you? Stranger things have happened and if you keep this to yourself and maybe just maybe, one of your "shoots" are found on the internet by either him or a friend of his, then how will you explain it to him when he asks you why you didn't tell him. Were not talking about posing for Playboy, which is something that he might not mind at all but there's a huge difference between that and porn. I think being honest is the way to go. If he runs then it's his choice but if he invests his life with you then finds out about it, then you really made a bad thing worse. I wish you the best and I hope you find a understanding man who could see you for who you are.
lollipopspot Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Suppose you met a guy and one thing leads to another and you marry him or get engaged and start planning a wedding and you found out that he committed a crime in his past and did jail time and never told you. How would you feel? Would you feel that he lied to you or deceived you? Well she didn't commit a crime. The more accurate analogy would be if HE had performed in porn years earlier and didn't tell her about it. 2
Author Natalie8 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 Ask yourself this and I'm not putting you down when I say this just so you understand. Suppose you met a guy and one thing leads to another and you marry him or get engaged and start planning a wedding and you found out that he committed a crime in his past and did jail time and never told you. How would you feel? Would you feel that he lied to you or deceived Thanks for your reply. But i really didnt agree with that comparison. For someone to do jail time they have to commit serious stuff or be repeat offemders..otherwise they get warning, suspended sentence and crap like that. So it would have to be serious violent crime...how can you compare that to what i did? A guy going out of his way to hurt someone? I didnt hurt anyone! Huge difference, i hope to think. If he did porn..i wouldnt mind. Unless it was very nasty stuff.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Like I said earlier.... You don't need to tell anyone about porn you did so briefly 13 years ago. No one will even recognize you unless you like run for president or something. Time to move on from it.
bubbaganoosh Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 OK. maybe I use the wrong example and for that I'm sorry. The point I was trying to make is withholding something like this can bring on a disaster if the truth is not brought out in the open. He would have the right to know just as much as you would if he did the same thing. It just comes down to a persons right to know about something in your past that they might not understand the why's and what for's.
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