blackcat777 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I think if you choose to open yourself a man and show your vulnerabilities, past and present, and he returns your honesty with disrespect and judgment, at least you know you dodged a bullet and that he wasn't the right one. I had a few skeletons in my closet. After being exclusive with my man for maybe six months, I felt the urge to tell him (not that he would have ever known). He opened up and told me a thing or two about him that I never would have guessed. It does involve taking a risk, opening up to someone, but those are the moments that either deepen intimacy, or reveal another person's true colors, which is win-win, in the end. 2
Satu Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Your life belongs to you and you have the right to keep something private if you want to. We all do. 1
rester Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I think if you choose to open yourself a man and show your vulnerabilities, past and present, and he returns your honesty with disrespect and judgment, at least you know you dodged a bullet and that he wasn't the right one. I had a few skeletons in my closet. After being exclusive with my man for maybe six months, I felt the urge to tell him (not that he would have ever known). He opened up and told me a thing or two about him that I never would have guessed. It does involve taking a risk, opening up to someone, but those are the moments that either deepen intimacy, or reveal another person's true colors, which is win-win, in the end. I agree with this post. I'd prefer that at some point it comes out because I wouldn't want my partner to be holding onto shame from her past. It's not first or second date material, but once a relationship is established and you know enough about your partner's character to be confident he won't judge you for it, I'd tell him. Your last boyfriend was an ass and I wouldn't let him negatively affect your future relationships. On a side note, a couple people mentioned being asked about this. I think it would be strange and offensive to outright ask if someone had once worked in porn. Who asks these types of things? 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Should i tell him that i worked in porn (13 years ago)? As is the case with cheating, and the like, the rule is: "If there is a reasonable chance of their finding out first through other means/channels, then you tell them in order to prevent that, otherwise you say nothing, and spare them..."
DoesntGetIt Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I would bring it up when you're getting closer, but I also believe in honest and open relationships and don't like secrets. A real guy won't care and won't judge you for it.
Gary S Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Openness and honesty are two different things. You don't have to recite your whole autobiography to your partner, you don't have time anyway, so share the good, romantic stuff, not skeletons in the closet that could turn him off. If you need to get it off your chest, tell it to a friend or a counselor. But don't tell your lover, it's not romantic.
ascendotum Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Since it was so long ago, and for such a short time, I would not bring it up. If asked, you can be truthful since your motivations were for a good reason. But I would not bring it up. though how many guys ask their gfs...'so have you ever stared in a porno before?'
PogoStick Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm sorry you feel so negatively about that time in your life. It's such a minor part of who you are today so don't focus on it. I would have no problem finding out this information. I'd congratulate you and hope you enjoyed the experience. You're wife material to me.
Krieger Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Just as long as it was noting like two girls one cup or golden showers or taking on 20 guys in a row . I might be cool with it just as long as your kids don't find out.
Million.to.1 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I agree with other posters who say that honesty will be a win-win situation for you. It doesn't define you at all, and any guy who judges you harshly for it, you are better off without. I have a girlfriend who worked as a prostitute in her late teens for a short time. (a few weeks) She is now married and has 2 young children. I know that her husband doesn't know about that part of her history and I can't help but think about how messed up that is that she never gave him a chance to make the decision about being with her for himself. It's an awful deception, and if he were to find out now, the fact that she kept it from him for all these years would be the thing that hurt him the most, I am sure. Even bad decisions shape who you are as a person, give you insight, help you grow.....and if you are proud of the person you are today, then that part of your history is just a valid as any other experience you've had. Many men have double standards when it comes to sexual deviancy. Those men are d*ckheads. 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I agree with Million.to.1 in that honesty really is the best policy especially long term. Consider the revelation as a way of weeding out the weak and ignorant men from the more noble ones 1
jay1983 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I don't know how to answer this. It's important that I know, but a part of me really, really doesn't wanna know this.
JS84 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Honestly I'd tell him just for the fact it's possible he might find out someday anyway. I've seen this play out a couple of times when men married to their wives for years were completely blindsided to find out their wives had previously been involved in some type of sex work and it almost always ended badly. I think moreso because it was hidden for years than the fact that it happened at all. If someone can't accept you because they can't deal with your past, you don't want to snare them under false pretenses only to have it blow up in both your faces years down the line. Not really fair to either of you. 1
Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 I don't know how to answer this. It's important that I know, but a part of me really, really doesn't wanna know this. Thanks for your answer. I know what you mean. But if i didnt tell you and you would find out from someone else would you feel that i tricked you or would you understand my predicament? I appreciate all of your answers. Thank you. Seems like there is no straightforward answer to this. One of you said that i should talk to a counsellor to get this off my chest. I did have counselling actually, and had an interesting conversation with the lady about how much honesty is too much?,should some things stay in the past?, is it even fair if i burden my partner with my past?, do we need to deal with each others past or only with our own past? The conversation was interesting but not conclusive of course, left me with more questions than answers..
Art_Critic Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 no.. why subject yourself to being put underneath that microscope for no reason... if a relationship takes off and you guys are looking at a future and you ask yourself this same question then the answer would be to tell him even though your past is the past it might make you feel better.
road Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 If you did not get one of those STD's that are not life threatening but can't get rid of then you may be better off not talking about it. Now if a BF was to ask did you do porn then you have to be honest. Though best to not volunteer. As with past boyfriends. You do not tell your current BF 1 had bigger equipment then you, BF 2 was better in bed, BF 3 could last longer, BF 4 made more money then you, BF 5 was better looking. This is why talking about past relationships is never a good idea. Also I doubt your films will ever be discovered. If these films had no well known stars, you were not a lead, not made by a well known porn producer these films probably had a short shelf life and gone into the trash.
wb1988 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 You have to ask yourself, do you want to be with those men who would judge you negatively for this? Would she want to be with a guy that wouldn't judge her for this either? Seriously people that never judge are people that you probably should never date because they themselves will either have dark secrets or radically liberal views towards everything (e.g. cheating on your partner is no biggie). It's easy to say that you shouldn't judge a person's past when you you aren't the person that has to hear it. It's a different matter if you're the actual guy that has to hear that his gf/wife once sold her body. Although I don't know anyone that's dated a porn actress but I do know a few acquaintances that have dated stripers and those guys are always the douchebag, overly laid back type that are fairly unattractive and only see a gf/wife as a walking fleshlight. Yes, "walking fleshlight" is a phrase that came out of one of them. If I were you I would keep it secret, take it to your grave. Actually because it's so long ago, you had a good reason and it's outrageously unlikely that he'll ever find out (13 years is before the tube-site era) you might as well just forget about it.
hotpotato Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 No one would be able to find or recognize you. I'd keep quiet. How many girls have (incorrectly) thought this only to be exposed? Its the ops call, but if I told, I probably wouldnt tell right off the bat. I hope in future op has more luck finding guys who are more evolved ( and less hypocritical). Logically, she did what other people do just so happened she was filmed while doing it.
Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I would be honest. I wouldn't want to be with the guy who would judge such a thing and I prefer complete honesty in relationships. I would want to know myself because I don't want parts of a loved ones life hidden from me. You've told others; it could conceivably come out, but even if it couldn't it doesn't change reality and history. I'd use it as a test to suss the losers who care. I have a friend who was an escort for about four months when she was 20 to earn money to help her family in a very bad time, She always told guys she was in a relationship with and it was never an issue. (No STI). She's married to the best guy who does know with three children now at 32. She doesn't tell most but her best friends and husband- yes. It's how honest people do.
wb1988 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 How many girls have (incorrectly) thought this only to be exposed? Almost every single one after maybe 2009. Every porn actress uses a stage name even on the legal papers, to protect their real name. In the end unless she grew up and still lives in a cave there will be 1 person that'll recognize her and then give it out. Look for any porno, lookup the adult pornstar (you'll either see this posted by a commenter on the comments section, on the actual title, search tags or if you do a video search and see it on another website) and if you search the internet hard enough you will find her name.
Erised Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Would she want to be with a guy that wouldn't judge her for this either? Seriously people that never judge are people that you probably should never date because they themselves will either have dark secrets or radically liberal views towards everything (e.g. cheating on your partner is no biggie). Not true. I would be okay with it (I am a woman but) and would be okay with most honesty, and think cheating is disgusting. Lying is disgusting. That's why honesty is so important. Lying is worse than porn. 1
wb1988 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Not true. I would be okay with it (I am a woman but) and would be okay with most honesty, and think cheating is disgusting. Lying is disgusting. That's why honesty is so important. Lying is worse than porn. Well if you dated someone and then chose to tell him about it after like 6 months then isn't that lying? If you did porn in the past (obviously something a guy would be concerned about whether he judged or not) then only telling him after he's developed feelings is very controlling and even worse. The only good guy that would be the exception would be if the OP told him about it on the 1st or 2nd date and he was still a gentleman after.
carhill Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Have had relationships and i have always told the guys about this. Normally went down ok as they could see i was a stable, normal caring girl. However my last bf took it really badly..called me names , told me im impure, not-future- wife material etc. That really hurt me. Now i wonder if i should just keep this to myself next time. A couple questions: Would you say, with the last BF, that this disclosure was a pivotal point in the deterioration or end of the relationship? If so, absent that, if you hadn't told, or before you told, did you feel strong mutual attraction and synergy in the relationship? Overall, compare how you felt with the guys who you did tell, were OK with it, and with whom the R's didn't work out and the most recent guy. Then, look at who ended the respective relationships and compare the results. I'm mentioning this stuff because nothing exists in a vacuum. Men are packages of stuff; personality characteristics which exist in groups and sometimes a characteristic is incompatible with a group of other characteristics and, if you find the one characteristic attractive and it happens to be incompatible with the others, you may find the package, overall, to be un- or less- attractive, even allowing for the one. It's a balance and attraction is very important, in addition to compatibility. More experiences will provide better information about the balance which is healthiest for you. You can go on and continue telling every man, as you've been doing, and things will work out the way they will. You can remain silent. You can decide each interaction individually. You can seek to understand why. There are many choices.
Author Natalie8 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Would she want to be with a guy that wouldn't judge her for this either? Seriously people that never judge are people that you probably should never date because they themselves will either have dark secrets or radically liberal views towards everything (e.g. cheating on your partner is no biggie)t. I didnt cheat on anyone! I was single at the time. And no, i wouldnt want to be with someone who never judges anyone on anything. In fact its ok to judge me to a point eg "what were you honestly thinking?!" But not up to the point of "you are worthless, dirty, unreliable, damaged goods". A person can judge me but then come to the conclusion is that i wasnt hurting anyone, my desire to have a healty body was so great that i didnt realise that this is a high price to pay. I had nothing else to sell, only my body. I was 19 and stupid, made a bad decision and will have to live with it. Basically, up until the last guy i was under the impression that men would understand. Of course, they would be shocked etc but wouldnt think less of me. BUT then the last guy pretty much turned my world upside down by saying that NO MEN would look at me the same way as men value women on their sexual past. And furthermore, he suggested that maybe all of my previous relationships ended because the guys didnt see me as a serious prospect anymore. They were just kind enough to not to say it as it is. Now, what you said above about your doucebag friends dating strippers is a bit different but still makes me wonder if you are saying that only doucebags would be fine with my past in your opinion?
wb1988 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I didnt cheat on anyone! I was single at the time. And no, i wouldnt want to be with someone who never judges anyone on anything. In fact its ok to judge me to a point eg "what were you honestly thinking?!" But not up to the point of "you are worthless, dirty, unreliable, damaged goods". A person can judge me but then come to the conclusion is that i wasnt hurting anyone, my desire to have a healty body was so great that i didnt realise that this is a high price to pay. I had nothing else to sell, only my body. I was 19 and stupid, made a bad decision and will have to live with it. Basically, up until the last guy i was under the impression that men would understand. Of course, they would be shocked etc but wouldnt think less of me. BUT then the last guy pretty much turned my world upside down by saying that NO MEN would look at me the same way as men value women on their sexual past. And furthermore, he suggested that maybe all of my previous relationships ended because the guys didnt see me as a serious prospect anymore. They were just kind enough to not to say it as it is. Now, what you said above about your doucebag friends dating strippers is a bit different but still makes me wonder if you are saying that only doucebags would be fine with my past in your opinion? Yeah you thought that because you bought into the whole "never judge a person's past" BS. Everyone says it, and it's very easy to say when it's not you that has to avoid the judging. Your last guy probably said it himself, but of course we don't do as we preach. The past is very important, any intelligent person will know of the importance of a track record and only a fool will really believe that the past is irrelevant. I myself am someone that socially says that the past is irrelevant because I don't want to be anti-social or to prevent a date/gf from telling me something that she wouldn't have otherwise. There are documentaries about the lives of strippers and pornstars and almost universally all of them date pretty bad guys. There is a podcast called DVDASA where one of the participants (Asa Akira, top 10 most famous pornstar) says that most pornstars date other pornstars, most strippers basically pay their bfs money, etc). Again, society says one thing but in reality it's very different. Just don't tell him because it's almost impossible to find a great guy that isn't going to judge or get the wrong impression. If you know in your heart that you truly are a good person with a good moral compass and value system then there is no point in telling the guy, especially when there is almost no way he could find out (again it was pre tube-site era right?).
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