hard time letting go

[j3ss77]

Hi I am new here, but I just needed an outlet to help me get past this breakup. I was with a man for 6yrs, in the beginning it was great as all relationships, but he had issues with medications and overusing them, and drinking in excess. Eventually it caused me to withdraw from him during our relationship although I begged him to change and choose me over the meds and alcohol. He didn't and I told him for the last year I was going to leave if he didn't change. He didn't and I ended up getting my own place in January. After that he promised he would change and realized how much he messed up and wanted and needed me.

 

I had hope that this was true, he was being very sweet and we spent some time together but not constantly as we had of course while living together for 4yrs. apparently during this time he was going out to bars and met a bartender who we had known casually throughout our relationship. they apparently started seeing each other and he had told her we were completely done. However he was telling me he was going to change and be better so we could be back together. literally I found her at his house just about 2weeks ago, and he told me they were just friends and he still loved me and wanted a future with me. However of course after seeing that I knew something else was happening.

 

I then found her around several more times in the two weeks, and two days ago when I finally confronted both of them, she said they were seeing each other and he told her I wasn't in the picture. long story short, clearly I was still in the picture, but now he has told me that he wants to see what happens with her, I was devastated after 6yrs of together and about 2 yrs of me putting up with him in his state that now he was going to trade me in so to speak for someone else and that if he now changes I had to go through all the hard stuff and she gets the end result of him being better. It makes me sick and I constantly run through it all in my mind.

 

I did move out in January, but we were still seeing each other because HE wanted to see me, and He said he was changing and wanted to be better for us. I just don't understand how a few months of a new relationship can mean more to him than 6yrs. Sure the last couple weren't great so much so I left, but it was more to get him to actually change so that in the end we could be together and happy instead of living the way we were.

 

Anyway, to say the least I am heartbroken, confused, he wants to stay friends but I told him I cannot do that and see him with someone else that is just Cruel. I think of it a million times during the day, I wake up hoping that I just don't care anymore since he seems like he doesn't care, and I go to sleep praying that I can move on and remain calm and classy. Because seriously I did freak out for about 2 days during this last two weeks...

 

I feel like somehow he just can move on with his life like I didn't matter, and that is the killer. That I am so easily replaced, that he is filling his time with her instead of feeling what it is like to be alone and heartbroken. I wish I understood and I don't want to hash all this out with friends constantly because who wants to listen to sad sappy stuff when hanging out. I try to put on a happy face but seriously I am dying a little inside. I am old enough to know that with time it will heal, but everything is so raw and I just feel so let down and betrayed.

 

Any advice is appreciated!

 

Thanks

Edited April 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for readability

[BlackbirdSong]

I feel your pain. I'm in a very similar situation where my ex is happy with her new man, leaving me devastated. Take it day by day. The bartender is just a rebound, but it doesn't excuse his behavior.

[ZiggyZoo]

It's tempting to think that your ex changes and is all improved for this new chick, but that isn't the case at all. He's probably on his best behavior, behaving himself because it's a new relationship. Think back to how he was when you guys first started up, compared to how how was at the end. Probably a big, negative difference, right? He's an addict to medication and alcohol, and that is going to come before any other relationship he'll ever be in. It's a disease, and until he decides for himself to seek treatment, that is going to consume and run his life. Please don't for one second think that he didn't stop because you weren't worth the effort on his part, or because of anything you did or didn't do. And the same will prove true for this new relationship, he's going to be right up to the same sh*t he was with you.

 

You did absolutely right in not agreeing to be friends with him, that is in no way fair to you. The very best thing for you is to go no contact, and focus on getting yourself healed and past all that's happened. Six years is a long time to be with someone, even if it wasn't good at the end, and it's going to be a while to get over all this. So don't worry a bit if you feel like you're not moving on as quickly as you think you should. Everybody is different, but I'd think that it's going to be at least six months until you can expect to see a real improvement. Don't be discouraged though, there are plenty of people on here who have been through it, as well as some who are going through it right along with you. It really helps to get others' opinions on things, and support too.

 

I know all too well that it may not seem like it, but your ex has done you a huge favor. Once you get through this (and you will, believe me) you'll see how much nicer it is to not to be in love with someone and have to watch them destroy them self like your ex is. Hang in there, you're going to be fine.

[Throldur]

I feel your pain. I'm in a very similar situation where my ex is happy with her new man, leaving me devastated. Take it day by day. The bartender is just a rebound, but it doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

They are always "happy" with their new man/woman because it is the honeymoon stage. They got out of a serious relationship where things were great but comfortable and now they have someone paying them attention, making them feel self-worth but the thing is, that doesn't last and that person will be back to square one, only with two break-ups to deal with, and they will realize they actually messed up something good for the feeling of something new.

 

It is why I refuse to look at my ex's twitter. It's going to be all bull**** about how happy she is in her new province and with her new man. When you make such a drastic life change.. you're going to put on the brave face that it is amazing and nothing could be going wrong. Things get over exaggerated and will only make YOU feel worse since you're not really a fly on the wall.

 

Only a matter of time before the bottom falls out. They had a bigger part to play in the demise of your relationship than you did. They didn't address any of their personal issues and just went to something else. They won't truly be happy until they figure themselves out and it is just showing immaturity on their part to jump to something else. That's not the solution.

[NoLeafClover]

If my gf left me and I had plan B...chances are I'm going to pursue plan B after getting my heard broken...just saying. You break up with him and controlled the situation but when you saw he possibly isn't sure about going back to you after begging for a whole you start to not like it.

 

what did you think was going to happen? You expected to move on before him and turned out the other way.

 

if you broke up with him keep it that way. Stop the mind playing games. Let him be with her and you go find someone else. This is not salvagable .

[j3ss77]

thanks for all the responses. and -No Leaf Clover - I did leave because after years of him abusing alcohol and medication I could not stay in that environment, I didn't leave because I didn't love him, I also did not officially break up with him, he and I were still seeing each other, just not every day living in the same house, so that he could get himself straightened out. My understanding is he was doing just that. He told me every single day since I left he loved me, wanted to be with me and he was working on things so that we could have a future. That is what I thought we both wanted. However I knew nothing about this other girl, until I found her. If he had been honest, or told me that he wanted to see other people I am mature enough to leave that situation alone. I believed we were still going to be together since he supposedly was going to straighten out his ways that drove me out of our home to begin with. so I expected only what he was telling me and promising me. Not lies, hurt and deceit and then after all the lies he chooses to see how things go with her, not me and she has been around a few months and I have been 6 yrs waiting on him, trying to help him to get better. anyway, thanks again everyone for the encouragement. It feels better to just talk a bit about it. I feel like I need to put on a happy face with everyone around. I have been asked where he was several times by friends because it is just a given after 6 yrs people are so used to you being a couple it is automatic to say where is X. I just have to smile and say we are not together anymore. It hurts, terribly.

[BlackbirdSong]

I have to wear a mask every day just to get through work. It is really tough.

[hunk]

You are wasting your life being upset about this guy. I sympathize completely with you and feel for you, 6 years is a long time. But try and realize this guy has treated you like absolute dirt. Complete garbage. He doesn't love you, he doesn't give a s h i t. Every minute you spend thinking about him is another minute of your life gone. Just try and put that in perspective. You're mourning the loss of 6 years, not this guy. He is a loser. You sound extremely kind hearted and you're going to find a guy who actually recognizes and appreciates this in you. Be excited about the next chapter of your life, without this idiot. Remember that the pain you're feeling is the pain of letting go of 6 years - it's not the pain of letting go of this guy. You are losing nothing of value here. Good luck, spend as much time as you need on these forums they're an invaluable tool to healing. Do not talk to him again.

[j3ss77]

I truly appreciate all your responses. True I need not waste my time mourning over him, my mind knows that, but my heart and maybe my pride is wounded. 6yrs, perhaps that is what I am mourning most of all. I am going to keep reading others posts on here and learning from them all. It helps to know that others not only understand but actually have been or are going through similar things. I have to keep reminding myself of all that was so very wrong with our relationship, and that something better is going to come along...

[darkbloom]

OP,

 

He is not going to stop the drinking/drug abuse for the new girl. She has no idea what she just walked into. And you do not need anybody in your life who lies like that. There has to be something wrong with her if he told her he was done with you but he wasn't. She knew he was playing both of you at the same time. What does that say about her character?

 

You are going to miss him. But you will be better off without someone who constantly says he is going to change and then doesn't. I'm not going to lie, the anger at him for cheating and moving on with this other girl is going to take a while to go away. I used the anger as fuel for cutting him out of my life completely. And when I miss him and feel like contacting him, I think about what he did and the anger comes back and solves that problem.

 

Stick to LS if you feel like contacting him. You will come out a much happier person than if you continue to get back in the same toxic cycle wit him.

[darkbloom]

Also there is irony in the fact that he said he is going to quit the drugs/drinking and then starts dating a bartender. That works in a bar.

[Poppyolive]

You will hurt for a while. I'm sure you have a lot of anger and questions of why. I went through the same thing. Promises of change, begging for forgiveness. End the end, he dumped me. He told me, he had no intentions of changing. That is the same with your ex. There's a place he wants to be, but he can't quite get there. He is ill. Addiction takes hostage and a lot of work is needed to change that. He's taken the easier root, a new girl and his addiction. Because you were in the way. Addiction will always be his no. One.

 

Being in a relationship with an addict is exhausting, I bet you're worn out from trying abd angry you tried so hard. You did the right thing by walking away. You may not see that now, but in months a year from now, you'll look back and thank goodness you're not in that soul destroying rut.

 

No, go no contact, block anything that hurts your heart or interferes with your healing.

 

Read addiction forums, many people have put 10/15/20 years of soul sucking in to toxic addiction lead relationships.