tinyvipers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I went NC on my ex a month ago without any explanation. He messaged me last night saying "Hey, I know you don't want to talk. Just want to say I hope you are doing well." Had a bit of chitchat about work in between, he asked to meet up and today I realized that I was doing myself a big disfavor. I feel bad for not having given him a heads up before initiating NC and a part of me wanted to really see him and talk to him face-to-face to let him know how I feel but I know it would be detrimental to my progress. So I shot him a message explaining to him that I need to put myself and my happiness first and even a friendly how are you from him is emotionally devastating for me. I said that I will shoot him a message when I am ready to be friends and in the meantime, I'd rather him not message me or in any way try to be a part of my life anymore. I think I did the right thing and feel quite relieved in doing so. But a part of me is still scared and anxious that I will never find a similar connection again - it has always been insanely difficult for me to get attached to someone. I'm scared that I won't find somebody that is comparable to / better than him on every front - looks (go ahead, call me shallow), education, career, integrity, curiosity, intellect, love for reading, stimulating conversation, and oh god the sex was out of this world. How do you guys alleviate this anxiety/fear that you won't be able to find somebody as good going forward? 2
ApexTitanium Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 My ex wasn't even that good, but I felt connected to her. She always wanted to see me but I had to make the effort for it, she wouldn't. Sex was good, but I'm sure there's better. (I was her first) I was accepted into her family and spent most of my time with them and her, so I guess I kinda made them my family, hurts to lose it. She was almost graduated so she was going to get a good job. She motivated me to better my future. However.... She only cared for her interests/hobbies hated mine. She made no effort to get to know my family like I did hers. She was messy, clothes always all over the place in her room. She was lazy, her dad did everything for her. She wouldn't clean anything around the house. She had horrible money management skills, would blow it on petty **** like $200 purses, UGG boots, clothes etc. then tell me how she wanted a nice house and big wedding, never helped save for it with me. Got mad at me because I never wanted to go out places....kinda hard when I'm trying to save money for our future? Her friends mattered more than me, she didn't like my friends so I dropped them....stupid me. Cared more about impressing other people and what they thought about her, rather than what I did. She had to have a $3400 ring when I was broke just so she could impress people, was never about actually being with me, never took it in to get inspected once every 6 months so the warranty didn't get voided. I had to pay $200 to get it fixed after she handed it back with "I dont love you" In the end she blamed everything that went wrong on me, made me feel worthless and alone, like I wasn't good enough. I did everything I could for her, nothing was enough. Yet here I am, thinking she's the best I'll ever get. Still loving her while I get shut down completely. Trying to make it easy on her while I get nothing back. Telling her how much she means to me while she goes out in search of someone else. Life sucks haha. 1
artsygirl78 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I think the anxiety and fear hits us because we are in a place emotionally and mentally where we feel like we are not worthy of finding love. The more you can do to be kind to yourself, loving and compassionate towards yourself, the more you will feel in your heart that you are worthy - and when you feel worthy, you know in your heart that there is totally someone out there for you and that you will of course find love again. In my life I have fallen in love deeply with more than one man, and had a truly deep enough connection that I could have seen myself married to that person. And after each one I was CONVINCED that they were the last man on earth I would ever fall in love with or have a deep connection with. There is more than just one person out there who can be a great love of your life. The first step is putting yourself first and knowing that you are worthy of that connection. Look around you at all the people who have fallen in love with someone after getting divorced, becoming widowed, going through a tough break up. Remind yourself that you are no different than anyone else. 5
Satu Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 A period of NC will help you work on yourself without distraction and further hurt. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. 2
Author tinyvipers Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Hey guys, thanks for the tips. He messaged me back saying that he's still not over things (he insisted on breaking up because I emotionally cheated), think about me every day, misses me, etc. but will respect my need for NC. Going to re-initiate NC now. artsygirl78, thanks for your advice. My self esteem is not low by any means and I do think I am worthy of finding love - I just don't know if I'll find anybody else who'd be worthy of my love, if that makes any sense. This is really the first time I've ever felt something like this, and I'm saying this after 3 other relationships. This is the only man who has been able to check off all my boxes and more. ApexTitanium, thanks for sharing your story. I'll try to come up with a list of points I didn't like about him and where I can do better.
erklat Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I never understood why you people tell someone you're going ninja on them ? You just do it without parade. Once they find out they are blocked from your life message is certainly passed over loud and clear. 2
Recommended Posts