LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I had a recent conversation with a woman I had known for a while on and off from a Meetup. She's been with the group or groups for quite some time, and said she was currently seeing a man she met online. For the record, she's been divorced twice (red flag). She said she prefers online dating over the Meetups only because she refuses to date anyone in the Meetup groups...I guess it has something to do with "If things don't work out, we'll have to try to avoid each other at these events" But I really don't see the big deal as if you're mature enough to deal with it, I don't see why use it as an excuse to exclusively date ONLY people you meet online and avoid the healthier "in-person" encounters in an organic fashion? Just seems a bit cowardly to avoid dating people in your social circles when you hardly know the people in your social circles already. A woman I dated, things didn't work out, she contacted me asking if I wanted her to leave the group we were both members of...I told her, "You don't have to leave the group over this, why avoid having a good time and being social just because we didn't work out?" Nevertheless, she unregistered herself from the Meetup site altogether. It was her insecurities that was really the problem in our relationship and it looks like it reflected itself with her socially as well. Now, it's funny during a time where people avoid OLD dating like it's the social pariah, it has come to a 180 as the alternative of "having to see someone again." Yes? Would you say it's rather cowardly to avoid a scene being you're wringing your hands and thinking, "Oh gosh, I hope Ted isn't going to be there tonight." Of course, Ted does show up as he isn't insecure about the whole thing and has the confidence to let it all roll of his back like a duck. Bottom line is, do you think some or there's an raise in people using online dating as their MAIN means of meeting people, even though they have access or the ability to come face to face with eligible singles at these in-person events? Wouldn't you say this is throwing the baby out with the bath water?
guest569 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 No, not at all. Have you seen the breakup section? There's a thing called 'no contact' which is a must for some people in order to get over a breakup. Maybe you broke her heart and she can't face you again, or she is embarrassed. The guys I have dated, well I need space before I can go and be buddies with them again. I have rejected someone from meetup though who left the site, we weren't even dating. I find that odd but perhaps he had no other reason to be there?
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I think she's being sensible, not cowardly at all. It's like dating someone you work with - not a good idea as things can become messy. Having dated men myself there seems to be this thing where even after you have split they seem to think they own you somehow (?) and it can get incredibly awkward especially with simple things like talking to other guys after the break up. I don't have enough limbs and digits to count how many times I have witnessed a woman's ex blow up at a social gathering because she was talking to another guy - and this can happen a long time after a split. I've been on the receiving end of it a number of times myself too.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 So would you say online dating is a good thing if you're the kind of person that doesn't like to date within your circles. I'm not sure if this compares to the workplace, as it's what helps put food on the table, but at regular social events I suppose there's an anxiety for some. I have known some that can chug right along guilt-free about seeing the other person. The woman I was talking to I was like "Don't you think you're limiting yourself...tons of single guys in this Meetup, but none you will date?" She was like, "Nope...been there done that" (She did date someone at Meetup at one time). But the thing is, these Meetups, people tend to come and go like the wind...so it'll be a long time before you see someone again anyhow. It's funny, I hadn't seen this guy in ages...he said, "Yeah, I just got out of a 2 year relationship...she wanted to get married, I did not...and the rest is history and I'm back here again. lol"
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I guess there are a multitude of reasons but if you only went to the Meet- up because you wanted to meet up with Sarah/William, then there is little point in going if you have just split up with them. However, if you go to Meet-up to generally meet people socially then of course go, unless you feel you are going to end up in tears, or start ranting, or feel you are going to be uncomfortable being the main subject of the gossip, or you may be seen as a figure of hate for the group... "That SOB cheated on poor Emma here..."
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I guess there are a multitude of reasons but if you only went to the Meet- up because you wanted to meet up with Sarah/William, then there is little point in going if you have just split up with them. However, if you go to Meet-up to generally meet people socially then of course go, unless you feel you are going to end up in tears, or start ranting, or feel you are going to be uncomfortable being the main subject of the gossip, or you may be seen as a figure of hate for the group... "That SOB cheated on poor Emma here..." Yeah, we had some drama in our Meetup once, apparently these women thought this guy did their female friend wrong and they tried to get some kind of revenge on him by purposely scheduling a New Years Eve meetup on the same night he was having it at his house. He dropped off coming to Meetups for a while, then whomever those people decided to take revenge lost interest in the group and moved onto other things...and he came back.
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 If I decided to join a meet up group in my town (and I do occasionally go take a look at upcoming events) the reason for me joining would be meeting new female friends in the area and also liking the 'thing/s' that the group were doing. The majority of my close knit friends live a way away from me (often I will be posting on here whilst I am on a train heading off for a weekend with friends). So, I wouldn't want to disrupt my meet up group life/hobby with getting involved with someone within that group. I wouldn't want to make things awkward for me/him/anyone else in the group. Plus, if as you say people rarely attend more than one time I wouldn't get much of a chance of getting to know a guy anyway so it would become a non-situation effectively. 1
HansonGirl Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I had a recent conversation with a woman I had known for a while on and off from a Meetup. She's been with the group or groups for quite some time, and said she was currently seeing a man she met online. For the record, she's been divorced twice (red flag). She said she prefers online dating over the Meetups only because she refuses to date anyone in the Meetup groups...I guess it has something to do with "If things don't work out, we'll have to try to avoid each other at these events" But I really don't see the big deal as if you're mature enough to deal with it, I don't see why use it as an excuse to exclusively date ONLY people you meet online and avoid the healthier "in-person" encounters in an organic fashion? Just seems a bit cowardly to avoid dating people in your social circles when you hardly know the people in your social circles already. A woman I dated, things didn't work out, she contacted me asking if I wanted her to leave the group we were both members of...I told her, "You don't have to leave the group over this, why avoid having a good time and being social just because we didn't work out?" Nevertheless, she unregistered herself from the Meetup site altogether. It was her insecurities that was really the problem in our relationship and it looks like it reflected itself with her socially as well. Now, it's funny during a time where people avoid OLD dating like it's the social pariah, it has come to a 180 as the alternative of "having to see someone again." Yes? Would you say it's rather cowardly to avoid a scene being you're wringing your hands and thinking, "Oh gosh, I hope Ted isn't going to be there tonight." Of course, Ted does show up as he isn't insecure about the whole thing and has the confidence to let it all roll of his back like a duck. Bottom line is, do you think some or there's an raise in people using online dating as their MAIN means of meeting people, even though they have access or the ability to come face to face with eligible singles at these in-person events? Wouldn't you say this is throwing the baby out with the bath water? You are assuming it's her "insecurity" that is at issue. Did it ever occur to you that some people have a hard time getting over a person if they have to see them all the time? I dated a guy from my grad school and I regret it to this day because we were in many of the same activities and shared the same friends. I still liked him after we went out and he had basically dumped me. I was so miserable and it hurt when he started dating other girls. I don't think that means i am "insecure" - you can't just switch off your emotions just because the other person has.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 If I decided to join a meet up group in my town (and I do occasionally go take a look at upcoming events) the reason for me joining would be meeting new female friends in the area and also liking the 'thing/s' that the group were doing. Right...at least you're joining same gender events, because if you join a mixed gender of Meetups, which are the majority in my area, there's no guarantee that you'll get flirted with or asked for your number. I recall a rather active trail biking group that had a mix of genders in it, all avid bikers both male and female...and of course men have flirted with , dated, and asked out women (even married) from the group. It just makes sense because is a COMMON interest there. I didn't join the group, because I'm not an avid biker. But, I'm just saying, there's no guarantee that you'll not get flirted with and asked out at these events...and you may have to be open to that happening...just saying...be prepared! LOL I knew of one woman that was single, but had a long term boyfriend that worked graveyard shift on the weekends. She had nothing to do on the weekends so she was attempting to join a local social club where pretty much everyone IN THAT group was single and unattached...it was quite awkward for her as quite a few men were trying to "get to know her" if you know what I mean...she didn't come back. But, anything with the words "Social Club" in the title is likely to garner a membership chuck full of bachelors AND bachelorettes. However, there something called GNO Meetups that's a "girls only" group where only women are allowed. Even funnier, a "Sex in the City" Meetup group. The only difference I've noticed between these "Girls Night Out" groups and the standard social clubs is the attractiveness of the people. Though its in the eye of the beholder, I've noticed a substantial amount of attractive women in these "GNO" Meetups as opposed to rather average to attractive mix in the standard Meetups. I actually saw a "Gamer Girls" where it was exclusive to women who played video games...I found that a bit odd as women rarely play video games and would be open to having geeky guys join their group to compete, do some kind of fun "guys on girls' HALO tournament. LOL
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) Right...at least you're joining same gender events Um..nope. I didn't say I was looking at same gender meet up groups, I said that if I went to a meet up group it would be to meet new female friends. But, I'm just saying, there's no guarantee that you'll not get flirted with and asked out at these events...and you may have to be open to that happening...just saying...be prepared! No, but there is a guarantee that I won't date any of them if I enjoy the group itself and the activities they offer. I also do not' have to be open' to being flirted with and asked out. Edited April 5, 2015 by GemmaUK
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Um..nope. I didn't say I was looking at same gender meet up groups, I said that if I went to a meet up group it would be to meet new female friends. No, but there is a guarantee that I won't date any of them if I enjoy the group itself and the activities they offer. I also do not' have to be open' to being flirted with and asked out. Okay, then perhaps I'm not phrasing it correctly...I'm saying there's no guarantee you won't be flirted with and you cannot fault men for doing so. Just saying.
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Okay, then perhaps I'm not phrasing it correctly...I'm saying there's no guarantee you won't be flirted with and you cannot fault men for doing so. Just saying. Sure, but it happens anywhere and everywhere. Where did I or she fault any men for flirting? Flirting is fun! I wouldn't go a day without it! It doesn't make me insecure or cowardly though if I don't wish to date someone from a group or from anywhere. Also, meet up really can be something of value to a woman looking for new female friends so can be pretty much as important as her job. Work life balance hasn't become outdated as far as I am aware yet.
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Okay, then perhaps I'm not phrasing it correctly...I'm saying there's no guarantee you won't be flirted with and you cannot fault men for doing so. Just saying. I think in any group that contains heterosexual men and women, there is going to be flirting, that is just the way life works. It may be serious flirting or it may be pseudo-flirting but most find some flirting fun. Meet-up by the way it is set up, is going to attract single people, people who want to meet new people, and people who are passionate about something, and that is always going to be a fertile place for flirting.
carhill Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 OP, IMO it's non-productive to assign labels to behaviors. You do what you do. They do what they do. If it works out, it does. If not, not. Back during my dating decades, before 'meetups', we had clubs and, yup, I did ask a few of the ladies in the cycling club out on dates. Never went anywhere but neither party left the club over some social milieu. I'd ride on trips they'd lead and vice-versa. To me, it's all part of being an adult. Neither of us hated each other, rather that one or the other didn't want a more intimate relationship than cycling in a club. No biggie. Sure, it stung a bit getting rejected but part of being an adult man is moving on from such things and the hobby and camaraderie of club was more valuable than perceived social detriment from a failed dating opportunity. I didn't worry about what the women did, rather kept on riding.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Sure, but it happens anywhere and everywhere. Where did I or she fault any men for flirting? Flirting is fun! I wouldn't go a day without it! It doesn't make me insecure or cowardly though if I don't wish to date someone from a group or from anywhere. Also, meet up really can be something of value to a woman looking for new female friends so can be pretty much as important as her job. Work life balance hasn't become outdated as far as I am aware yet. Heck, where I work there are 2 couples that date (one couple is married, the other co-habitating). So...go figure that one out. lol They met through work and at work and come to work and go home together. So the faux pax of dating in the workplace didn't stop them, likely due to the fact its a small town mentality anyways, and people date based on the limitedness of the options and the only social life they've ever had was people they've met through work. I have to say though, there is always an inherant risk to anything, including dating the same people that you bike, 'yak, hike, basket weave with...it depends on how much of a risk that person is willing to take. Some may think, "No way I'll date anyone from my bike club" to, "This is the only means by which I can meet someone, so I'll date someone in my biking club." I guess some aren't willing to let their world's collide either. I recall a woman, lived about an hour away and south of the major city I tend to congregate to Meetups...she works in a city an hour west of her, but traveled north to involve herself in an untapped pool of singles where I live. It was a one-shot for. I had recognized her from Match.com, she met up with some of us at a restaurant, I got to know her a bit chatted with her and she left kind of early while others still mingled. Funny thing is, she had herself listed as living in the city we all congregated. I contacted her later on through Meetup and she said she doesn't date in her area as "everyone knows her" and also, she's a nurse and works at a hospital where men there are constantly asking her out...its unnerving to her, even though they don't work together at all, but they just work in the same building. She was actually going out of her way traveling 2 hours to be involved in an area remotely to meet someone. There's just something telling about going that direction when going through that much work to avoid people. Chances are she may have built up some kind of reputation with the people around her? I think someone like this is usually not good with long-term relationships as they don't have confidence in their abilities to keep a relationship going past a certain amount of time. That they are "all over the place" when it comes to dating. It suggests an instability in their lives. Kind of like "Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink" which is analgous to, "Sure, I have tons of single men in my social circles I could date, they ask me out all the time, but I prefer to travel a good deal outside of my city to ONLY means of meeting other singles..you know.. "In case things don't work out." It's already self-defeating. It's like when people married, its that attitude of "If it doesn't work out, we could always get a divorce." There is just some non-committal aspect to all this.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 OP, IMO it's non-productive to assign labels to behaviors. You do what you do. They do what they do. If it works out, it does. If not, not. Back during my dating decades, before 'meetups', we had clubs and, yup, I did ask a few of the ladies in the cycling club out on dates. Never went anywhere but neither party left the club over some social milieu. I'd ride on trips they'd lead and vice-versa. To me, it's all part of being an adult. Neither of us hated each other, rather that one or the other didn't want a more intimate relationship than cycling in a club. No biggie. Sure, it stung a bit getting rejected but part of being an adult man is moving on from such things and the hobby and camaraderie of club was more valuable than perceived social detriment from a failed dating opportunity. I didn't worry about what the women did, rather kept on riding. I wish more people had your attitude and sticking to the group as opposed to caving and ducking out altogether. There is a certain level of fortitude when it comes to that.
xxoo Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I have to say though, there is always an inherant risk to anything, including dating the same people that you bike, 'yak, hike, basket weave with...it depends on how much of a risk that person is willing to take. People balance risk and potential reward. If she really likes a guy (high potential reward), she'll take the risk. If she isn't really interested in the guy, why risk it at all?
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Heck, where I work there are 2 couples that date (one couple is married, the other co-habitating). So...go figure that one out. lol They met through work and at work and come to work and go home together. So the faux pax of dating in the workplace didn't stop them, likely due to the fact its a small town mentality anyways, and people date based on the limitedness of the options and the only social life they've ever had was people they've met through work. I have to say though, there is always an inherant risk to anything, including dating the same people that you bike, 'yak, hike, basket weave with...it depends on how much of a risk that person is willing to take. Some may think, "No way I'll date anyone from my bike club" to, "This is the only means by which I can meet someone, so I'll date someone in my biking club." I guess some aren't willing to let their world's collide either. I recall a woman, lived about an hour away and south of the major city I tend to congregate to Meetups...she works in a city an hour west of her, but traveled north to involve herself in an untapped pool of singles where I live. It was a one-shot for. I had recognized her from Match.com, she met up with some of us at a restaurant, I got to know her a bit chatted with her and she left kind of early while others still mingled. Funny thing is, she had herself listed as living in the city we all congregated. I contacted her later on through Meetup and she said she doesn't date in her area as "everyone knows her" and also, she's a nurse and works at a hospital where men there are constantly asking her out...its unnerving to her, even though they don't work together at all, but they just work in the same building. She was actually going out of her way traveling 2 hours to be involved in an area remotely to meet someone. There's just something telling about going that direction when going through that much work to avoid people. Chances are she may have built up some kind of reputation with the people around her? I think someone like this is usually not good with long-term relationships as they don't have confidence in their abilities to keep a relationship going past a certain amount of time. That they are "all over the place" when it comes to dating. It suggests an instability in their lives. Kind of like "Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink" which is analgous to, "Sure, I have tons of single men in my social circles I could date, they ask me out all the time, but I prefer to travel a good deal outside of my city to ONLY means of meeting other singles..you know.. "In case things don't work out." It's already self-defeating. It's like when people married, its that attitude of "If it doesn't work out, we could always get a divorce." There is just some non-committal aspect to all this. There's nothing wrong if a couple wants to date/marry from work - it's their choice. It's not self defeating to want to date particular people or in a particular location - it's their choice. You cannot attempt to control how people behave because you feel that only your opinion is correct. Try to live and let live a little OP! You so often seem to have a problem or a judgement to make over people's choices/behaviours - why is that?
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 There's nothing wrong if a couple wants to date/marry from work - it's their choice. It's not self defeating to want to date particular people or in a particular location - it's their choice. You cannot attempt to control how people behave because you feel that only your opinion is correct. Try to live and let live a little OP! You so often seem to have a problem or a judgement to make over people's choices/behaviours - why is that? Well, recently I've gotten into conversations with people that I'm like minded with. One recent woman was a rather attractive, but yet reclusive type that shared the same mindset as me. She didn't have many vices, was very traditional, and didn't have loose morals when it came to dating. In fact, there was more of a reverse discrimination in her direction when it came to the fact people saw her as rather "Freakish" because she didn't drink in excess, co-habitated, etc. She had to severe friendships with female friends because she had voiced her opinion, even when asked for it, about a woman that had a b/f treated her like crap...and said woman I spoke of said, "Just dump him, he's a jerk." Of course, that wasn't well-received. Asking for an opinion from a conservative type of person, chances are that opinion isn't the popular one. If I say, "I think it's immoral/unethical" people will argue back, "Define what is immoral?" People tend to even use misnomers in their terminology. They even RE-define what was originally defined. What was once considered "wrong" is now considered "good" by some. Some thieves tend to justify shoplifting because they feel that they're entitled to it. Rationalizers. If you argue and say "It's wrong to steal, they'll argue that it's okay to do so." When I get into discussions with a mixed crowd when it comes to certain "hot button topics" I tend to keep my opinions to myself as much as I can, because when it comes to politics, race relations, abortion, and the like...my opinion isn't necessarily the popular one...so I keep it to myself as I don't want to be judged as such. I suppose I use this board as a sounding board for such things as I cannot voice publicly (or even keeping certain Facebook comments to myself). I'm the kind of person that thinks stupid people shouldn't breed...of course, people may still even disagree with me on that.
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