Samire92 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 So first of all I'm a 23 year old female, my boyfriend is also 23. I have had depression and anxiety issues since my mid teens BUT I don't discuss or share these issues I with anyone, not even my boyfriend. He is aware that I have 'it' and knows I take medication. He has also seen my cry very recently on one of my 'bad days' where I had no real reason to cry.. Or did I? This is where I need help to work out whether I am overreacting or I'm being sensible(ish) and realise the end is near for me and my fella.. So I've been with my boyfriend (let's call him Dan) since the end of December 2014. He lives with a member of his family who is a very unpleasant person.. It's important to Dan to move out and leave the negativity behind, he has a friend who wishes to do the same and they plan to move in together in the next couple of months. I can't stress enough how much I agree with his decision to move out from this family home. I support him fully because he needs this change and all I want is for him to be happy. Dan currently lives around 40-50 minutes away from me by train. In the new discussed location with his friend it will be around 80 minutes by train. It's not the distance that really concerns me, I think it might be the idea that he's with a friend that I haven't met yet, who might try and influence my boyfriend to move on? He's also moving to a large city, back with his circle of friends who are really social. He's bound to meet girls and a daily basis. F*ck, I wouldn't blame him for wanting to move on. Another factor is that I work Mon-Fri - 8:30-5 whereas he works a shift pattern of 4 days on on 4 days off. The new move will impact this already difficult situation. I don't think I could regularly afford the cost of train fare to the city and I feel like I'm continuing down a path that will only lead to heartbreak.. Or am I worrying too much and just being a d*ck? We have discussed it, we were drinking and he told me about what he was thinking in terms of moving. I asked him about what would happen with us and he did say he doesn't want to put an expiration date on us. The next day we tried to talk about it again (this is said day where I cried in front of him) and I just lost it. He did his best, put his arm round me, asked me what was wrong, kissed my forehead, even followed me upstairs when I went to 'get ready' but really I just went upstairs to cry. With that said he hasn't given me any real reassurance that we'll be ok or that he will do his best to make it work. Does he feel he doesn't need to tell me because he thinks I know this? Or is he starting to pull away? Sadly I have never had this much in common with a person or ever been able to see a future with a person THIS much. We are compatible in every way. I love him and I want to make this work. Any advice you can offer is much appreciated.
kendahke Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Right now, a 4 month old relationship isn't really high on his immediate list, to tell you the truth: getting his living situation right is. Where he lives also has to make getting to his job convenient; he has to live where he can afford to pay his rent, etc. Unless you are prepared to have him move in with you (which I would not recommend given the shortness of time you've known one another) and support him, then you're going to have to find a place of peace within yourself to let him do what he sees fit for his life. He's got to get his living situation under control which helps him to keep the integrity of his job. While your issues with depression, etc., are important, they are yours to handle, not his. The last thing you and your depression needs is for him to move someplace closer to you that he can't afford, which may make spending time with you nearly impossible because of the cost of going out, etc., and you're going to get sick of the two of you never doing anything because he can't afford it and also have enough to eat, get to work, etc. He will grow to resent that predicament, which in turn may get turned on you. You are going to have to let him do what he sees is fit for him at this time in his life. It just may be that it's the wrong time for this relationship, despite how right you feel you two are. 2
Gaeta Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I think it might be the idea that he's with a friend that I haven't met yet, who might try and influence my boyfriend to move on? He's also moving to a large city, back with his circle of friends who are really social. He's bound to meet girls and a daily basis. F*ck, I wouldn't blame him for wanting to move on. Another factor is that I work Mon-Fri - 8:30-5 whereas he works a shift pattern of 4 days on on 4 days off. The new move will impact this already difficult situation. I don't think I could regularly afford the cost of train fare to the city and I feel like I'm continuing down a path that will only lead to heartbreak.. Or am I worrying too much and just being a d*ck? Sweetie it's your anxiety acting up. When a man is into his lady no room-mate, or friends, or big city will give him a change of heart. So what there will be girls around? Millions of people live in big cities, are surrounded by sexy people all the time, and they have successful loving relationships. As for the train fare why would you be the only one disbursing the cost of traveling? I am sure he know how to get himself from this new city to you. At the end of the day this is a small test for your relationship. After 4 months you've had time to build a good base together. If you guys are tight you will work this out fine, if your guy starts acting distant, doesn't put any effort in your relationship and let it die then it means you 2 were not meant to be. You will be just fine!! and move on.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 You are over-reacting. Your anxiety and insecurity are creating fear in you, and you're worrying far too much about the "what-ifs". You're putting too much weight on hypotheticals and not enough on the facts. He told you he still wants to be with you. What more can he say or do? I don't think it's unreasonable to be concenred about the logistics. I can understand your worries over your work schedule and ticket cost. But I don't fully understand why you're so fearful that his friend/roomate would influence him and that he would meet other girls. That's your insecurity speaking. Why do you feel so inadequate as to worry about his friend's influence? Has he said something concerning about this friend? The bottom line is that all you can really do is try it out and see if the increased distance still works for both of you. But as another poster said, ultimately your depression and anxiety will be yours to manage, not his. It sounds as though he's supportive. You need to stay focused on that or it will eventually fall apart, regardless of distance. 1
Author Samire92 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. In response to the question as to why I feel inadequate, it's my ridiculous anxiety. I am usually very good at realising when I'm being over sensitive and I never share my worries or fears with anyone. It's never my intention to push my problems on my boyfriend. I do understand they're my issues, thank you. This friend he is moving in with is from what I've guessed a typical lad, single and enjoys one night stands and going to strip clubs. I trust my boyfriend but if I'm concerned that after a month or even 6 he might have a change of heart with this new daily influence. This is again a ridiculous analysis, even though I know that, I can't seem to stop worrying.
kendahke Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm concerned that after a month or even 6 he might have a change of heart with this new daily influence. This is again a ridiculous analysis, even though I know that, I can't seem to stop worrying. You know what? He might. That's how life goes sometimes. We sometimes don't get what/who we want. If he wants to cheat and go to strip clubs, he's going to do it. No amount of worrying or anxiety is going to stop it, so it's best to learn how to manage expectations, anxiety, etc., because life sometimes does not go as we would like for it to. Life holds absolutely no guarantees except that it will end. That's the only one. None of us can tell you with any certainty that he's not going to disappoint or hurt you once he's made this move. You have to trust yourself that you will be fine which ever way things go.
Recommended Posts