alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 :(:(My new ex and I were together for almost two years and things were just wonderful in the beginning. No issues with us, we were so close almost like one heartbeart. The only big issue we had had that started a few months after the new guy and i were together is my ex husband hated the fact that i had moved on to someone that I loved more then i did him when i married him but i still remain true to my new man and showed him all the love and care he could want. We got our own place and things were great this happened around April of 2014. Summer of 2014 bills were starting to get out of control and we eventually were evicted and had to move in seperately with different people. I lived with a friend and he moved in with his folks until we could try and get financially stable. Not living with him anymore really hurt me cause i missed seeing him every morning i woke up, cooking dinner for him at night, snuggling up on the couch watching a movie, or just yelling at the tv when our favorite football teams were playing. We would see each on the weekends most of the time but some weekends our schedules did not mix. Finally the end of November 2014 I caught him on dating websites talking to other girls, it only leads me to believe he was physically cheating but i dont have the proof. Things snapped and even got worse when he left me alone for Thanksgiving, told me all day he was coming and never showed. Well I moved on the best i could from then and even when on a couple dates. Out of the blue right before New Years he wanted to try again. We had a serious talk about everything on what all needed to change and we saw each other for the first time Jan. 9th it had been two months. Things were rocky at the start, he was angry i had been on a couple dates while we were broken up but i never pursued anything cause i still really loved him. We got past that and then had an amazing Valentines day one of the best i had ever had. Well a couple days before v day i ran into an old friend that i had not talked to in a while and told him its ok we can talk but only be friends cause i have a man. This guy was cool for a min but once i could tell he wanted more and was not respecting my boundaries i cut off us being friends all together. The day after v day he starts sending my man text saying we did this together and that together as in sleeping together and just tried to ruin everything between me and the man i loved. Well my man would not believe me on anything he flipped out on me called me all kinds of horrible things and I didnt even do anything with this guy i even had proof this other dude was lying. Well after that incident everything went down hill spiraled out of control. I got so depressed and starting to drink heavily. I wrecked my car march 17th, had a collapsed lung, 3 broken ribs, and a broken neck. At the time of my car accident we were not broken up yet, he didnt come see me at the hospital even knowing it was my fault i just felt he would care. He called me on the hospital phone and broke up with me. Called me all kind of names like "you should of died in that wreck" "your thin but still too fat for me" "go **** someone else like i have been doing". After hearing all this i was just torn to pieces, someone i knew and loved dearly shredded me to pieces. I guess what I am asking why the sudden change with him? How could he act like one minute im his world and the next wish i never existed? Why did he lash out like that? Ive never seen him do that before. Not even two weeks after we broke up which is this week he has already posted a picture of him with another girl. I just dont get the behavior and he will not give me any good reason for his actions either i dont know where this all came from. I wish i could just understand and i dont and that is what is killing me cause i love this man. He is my first true love, he was the one. He tells me im dead to him but i dont know how to move on, not even three weeks ago we were together it all happened so fast. Please someone help me process this...
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 It seems he believed the stories your so called friend feed to him. Combined that with the fact you went out on a couple of date while you two were split up, it's easy to understand why he turned on you so quickly. At this point he sounds like a lost cause. Focus on getting yourself healed up and back to good health. Move on and get a fresh start when you are able to. 1
Author alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I see your point i do but i even had proof of where i was at when all this happened and he still wouldnt budge. During our first split i didnt see anything wrong with trying to move on cause i really felt we were done and didnt expect him to come back. I just dont get why he lashed out at me like he did, thats what bothers me. The things he said were awful and things i wouldnt never say to anyone.
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) I see your point i do but i even had proof of where i was at when all this happened and he still wouldnt budge. During our first split i didnt see anything wrong with trying to move on cause i really felt we were done and didnt expect him to come back. I just dont get why he lashed out at me like he did, thats what bothers me. The things he said were awful and things i wouldnt never say to anyone. It's completely reasonable in my book for you to attempt moving on. He may have viewed it that you moved on a little to quick for his liking, if that makes sense. You had every right to go on those dates if you were broken up. This is the big problem I see from his point of view: "Well a couple days before v day i ran into an old friend that i had not talked to in a while and told him its ok we can talk but only be friends cause i have a man. This guy was cool for a min but once i could tell he wanted more and was not respecting my boundaries i cut off us being friends all together." You meeting up with this guy in the first place, whether anything happened or not was a deal breaker for your now ex. The fact that the so called friend sent him those texts were too much for him to overcome. No matter what proof you can provide, he will always believe those texts he received. What was your past relationship with this old friend? Were you two romantically involved previously? He lashed out at you so viciously because he really believe you cheated on him. All you can do now is learn from this experience and try to move on with your life. He sounds very unforgiving and angry with you. Edited April 5, 2015 by I_Give_Up67
Author alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 No my friend and i never had anything romantic going on we were just friends actually used to work together. When we ran into each other that day it had been months since either one of us had spoken to each other. I will admit the guy always liked me but i loved my ex and he knew that. My ex was a very jealous person and even got upset if i went out with my girlfriends for a couple hours to have a margarita or something with them. He never wanted to be left alone and wanted me there all the time, i just wanted to see my friends too. I had even asked my ex if it was ok if i was friends with this guy i knew cause he always told me its fine with me just keep your distance. I dunno it just sucks, i was so good to my ex treated him like a king...
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 No my friend and i never had anything romantic going on we were just friends actually used to work together. When we ran into each other that day it had been months since either one of us had spoken to each other. I will admit the guy always liked me but i loved my ex and he knew that. My ex was a very jealous person and even got upset if i went out with my girlfriends for a couple hours to have a margarita or something with them. He never wanted to be left alone and wanted me there all the time, i just wanted to see my friends too. I had even asked my ex if it was ok if i was friends with this guy i knew cause he always told me its fine with me just keep your distance. I dunno it just sucks, i was so good to my ex treated him like a king... No rational person calls someone in the hospital after a car wreck to say things like that. No doubt he felt "manipulated or attacked" by it. He's an abuser plain and simple. 1
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Alikat- You may not be able to see this now, but given how viciously your ex lashed out at you, and the fact you admit he was the very jealous type, you may be better off without him. How long would you have been willing to put up with his jealously and controlling behavior in your relationship? If he was so cruel to wish you ill while you were in the hospital, how could you ever forgive him for that? It will no doubt trouble you for a while because he would not believe the truth, but I really think you will be better off with a fresh start. If he is posting pics of other women already, let them deal with his controlling and jealous ways. Do yourself a favor and get your physical body healed as well as your emotional well being. Then go out and find yourself a man worthy to be with you. I hope you do not still consider that douche that sent those texts to be a friend? In the future, be careful trusting the motivation of guys like that if you are in a relationship. 1
Author alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I am starting to see that he was abusive now just wish i caught it sooner. I didnt know there were so many different forms of abuse.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I am starting to see that he was abusive now just wish i caught it sooner. I didnt know there were so many different forms of abuse. Take a look at The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Really. I mean who the Hell calls someone whose just been in a car wreck to give them ****? 2
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I am starting to see that he was abusive now just wish i caught it sooner. I didnt know there were so many different forms of abuse. Yes it is not always about physical abuse. Emotional is a big form of abuse also. Has nothing to do with how well you treated him either. 1
Author alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Yeah you are right, i mean it got physical a couple times but he swore it would never happen again. Damn i just feel so brain washed from this guy its unreal. He manipulated me into thinking his behavior was ok and when i think about all this and look at the comments it never was.
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 It is NEVER acceptable for a man to get physical with a woman for any reason! That is a deal breaker. I'm a man, and men that put their hands on a woman in a violent manner is totally unacceptable. 2
Author alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 You are right, i just let love get in the way of what was healthy for me. thanks for pointing all this out...
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Please don't lose another second of your life wondering why about your Ex. Go out there and find the new love of your life, and never look back! Good luck! 2
NoLeafClover Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 It is NEVER acceptable for a man to get physical with a woman for any reason! That is a deal breaker. I'm a man, and men that put their hands on a woman in a violent manner is totally unacceptable. Sounds like you don't have a problem with women hitting you. Your answer is very one sided but as a man, I find it just as unacceptable for a woman to hit a man. In today's society a woman can hit a man and get away with it but god forbid it was the other way around, sh*t hits the fan no questions asked.
Author alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I agree with you both parties should be held accountable for their actions, my situation is realizing the behavior of my ex was abusive and realizing there are many different forms of abuse. I understand people lose control of their emotions and stuff happens thats different, to repeat the same thing after promising your loved one you wouldnt do it again is different.
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Sounds like you don't have a problem with women hitting you. Your answer is very one sided but as a man, I find it just as unacceptable for a woman to hit a man. In today's society a woman can hit a man and get away with it but god forbid it was the other way around, sh*t hits the fan no questions asked. NoLeaf- That is why we have 911! If a woman hits you, make the call! If you put your hand on a woman you will suffer the consequences legally. My last ExGF plunged a 6 inch steak knife into my shoulder, I did not get physical with her in retaliation. I called the cops and she was arrested and taken to jail. If the women in your life are physically abusive then you need to dial 911 and then remove that person from your life. It is never ok for men or women to be physically abusive in a relationship! 1
NoLeafClover Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I don't know exactly how honest you are in your story but I am getting some red flags on your end to start off with. First of, if you have a man and you know there is a guy that wants more than a friendship with you and you still hangout with him that is on you. You can find whatever reason people tell you on here about him being abusive, controlling etc etc. What did you do as a girlfriend? I can't imagine how messed up I would feel if another guy messages me to tell me him and my gf did this and that. Especially if it was someone I kinda new about. The reason he said you could keep him as a friend is because he trusted you but I don't think you kept your distance enough. What guy just sends another man a fake message? How did he get your ex's number? Why would he feel the need to tell your ex anything? I feel you and this guy friend were in contact more than it should have been. Those are all red flags. I don't think it's appropriate to talk to guys that don't respect you have a boyfriend or that you are taken. Things when down hill because that's what happens when people loose trust and distance is in between. The fact that he got mad after he found out that you went on a couple of dates prior after you were clinging on him didn't help either. In my opinion , it should have ended then because most of the times, people can't move on and REALLY forgive that the other partner was seeing, dating or screwing someone else during a break, even if they were not officially together. On the other hand, if you feel like he was abusive than that should be another reason why you should not be with him. Forget about this one and learn from your mistakes.
Author alikat Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I do see your points i do. I did keep my distance with my guy friend though, he started messaging my ex off facebook. I just thought he was trying to be a friend. We worked together for a while at Chili's and then i left and got a better job and didnt talk after that. I just never knew he liked me that much, enough to impose on my current relationship with someone i loved and had been with for awhile i mean it was weird and way out of the blue. Plus during the break i saw my ex talking to other girls off a dating website and figured he had moved on and didnt care about me at all. I never knew he would want to come back to me.
NoLeafClover Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 NoLeaf- That is why we have 911! If a woman hits you, make the call! If you put your hand on a woman you will suffer the consequences legally. My last ExGF plunged a 6 inch steak knife into my shoulder, I did not get physical with her in retaliation. I called the cops and she was arrested and taken to jail. If the women in your life are physically abusive then you need to dial 911 and then remove that person from your life. It is never ok for men or women to be physically abusive in a relationship! I don't deal with crazy so probably wouldn't even go that far. I would have walked away months before..if 911 was called I wouldn't know why..I wouldn't be there.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 My husband wasn't particularly physically violent, but last summer he did escalate to that point after nine years and being drunk. He gave me bruises one time and that was enough for him to stop acting that way completely. For the whole summer when he would get upset, I would shake and he would get very very mad about that and accuse me of manipulating him or trying to make him feel bad. I was scared. But when I was scared, I would actually stand in front of the door. So he wouldn't leave and disappear. Any time he was physical with me was when he perceived me as blocking his exit, which was an awful cycle. Him triggered by feeling trapped and me frightened of the status quo changing. Terrible feelings both. I just posted this in another thread: Abuse tends to actually cloud judgment. Part of why it is so toxic. The abuse actually triggers certain chemicals that cause PTSD and people with PTSD often become very scared and rigid of change in the environment, rational or not. It is very easy for an abuser to manipulate an abused person because they will often, out of sheer irrational fear do anything to maintain the status quo and not upset the abuser. The brain has already made the link that "upsetting the abuser has dire consequences." It has a hook as powerful as a drug addiction. Try to talk a drug addict into quitting his/her addiction. That is a huge reason why abuse (especially verbal and physical) is so insidious. 1
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