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Posted
In answer to the OP's question, it's simple. It's called love. Why when talking about dating and relationships do people, even the experts, seldom mention love?

 

Your ex had fallen out of love and became resentful.

 

The new lady is falling hard for you - good for you, enjoy! Just make sure you do the right things and keep this woman in love with you this time. Don't take her for granted. Ever.

 

Women in love are fun! Love changes everything.

I took no one for granted. My ex was going on dates with another man and smearing me while I was bringing home gifts for her. The resentment began at the same time of her emotional affair. Science will support that the honeymoon phase of a relationship produces high-levels of dopamine in people. Those levels drop over time. How people handle the fallout is left to...maturity.
Posted
I've been seeing a woman. We've had three dates. I've put a moderate amount of effort into coming up with cool, fun dates. The woman is 31. I'm 38.

 

This woman is nuts about me. We haven't slept together. She just raves about me to her friends and family. She melts before me.

 

I like her a lot. I recognize that she would be really good for me.

 

* * * *

 

If I consider the way my ex treated me in the time leading up to our break up---her coldness, anger, smear campaign and betrayal---I can't wrap my head around why someone would treat me that way. Her emotions seemed reliant on themselves. I had nothing to do with the anger, the selfishness, the intolerance, the lashing out.

 

If I consider the way this new woman treats me---her fawning, her sweet-nothings, her nurturing---I don't understand what I'm doing to provoke such extreme behavior.

 

So, whether it's hatred and derision or adoration and praise, it all seems apart from who I am, and consequently unreal.

I'd appreciate your opinions on this.

 

Sounds like an almost classic case. You say you realize she would be good for you yet you don't exactly value it. You value someone who made you jump through hoops and seems like a narcissist. Granted your new girl may be falling too fast or for outside reasons that have little to do with you.

 

And for the part that I bolded, to answer your question, you are not the only variable in the mix that's why reactions are different depending on the woman and the different combinations of couples. The first thing you can do is see her as more of a real person. Right now it sounds like you think you are the same thus the behavior of this woman should mirror others in your life. Wrong. You aren't even seeing her as an element in this. You are probably taking her for granted. I guess it is unreal that she is so into you if you believe you have not done much to deserve this--which then goes back to you doing so much for your ex but she didn't seem to value it. Sounds like you are gonna f*ck this up. Maybe she is not the girl for you but hopefully it is not just because she very simply admires you for who you are and is open about it. That would be a shame. Some guys are only happy though with a girl they feel is unachievable and has actions throughout the relationship where the balance of power is in their favor. It's an ego thing.

 

Good luck

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Posted

It is normal to be bit different (jaded?) after a harsh break up. The new girl COULD be moving way too fast and not seeing the real you. Or you COULD be hyper-critical. I find it best to tell myself, "We will see," and forge ahead. Time will tell.

 

But for goodness sake, try to have fun while you are doing it! Don't dwell too much. Just be realistic and enjoy!

 

:)

  • Author
Posted
Sounds like an almost classic case. You say you realize she would be good for you yet you don't exactly value it. You value someone who made you jump through hoops and seems like a narcissist. Granted your new girl may be falling too fast or for outside reasons that have little to do with you.

 

And for the part that I bolded, to answer your question, you are not the only variable in the mix that's why reactions are different depending on the woman and the different combinations of couples. The first thing you can do is see her as more of a real person. Right now it sounds like you think you are the same thus the behavior of this woman should mirror others in your life. Wrong. You aren't even seeing her as an element in this. You are probably taking her for granted. I guess it is unreal that she is so into you if you believe you have not done much to deserve this--which then goes back to you doing so much for your ex but she didn't seem to value it. Sounds like you are gonna f*ck this up. Maybe she is not the girl for you but hopefully it is not just because she very simply admires you for who you are and is open about it. That would be a shame. Some guys are only happy though with a girl they feel is unachievable and has actions throughout the relationship where the balance of power is in their favor. It's an ego thing.

 

Good luck

I value a relationship that no longer is, and maybe never was. I've never been interested in power struggles within relationships.

 

I have backed off considerably with this new woman and she has followed suit. I really appreciate that. I'm trying to be a tender friend to her and see what happens. I look to do nice things for her. Tomorrow she will come over to my place and I'll make dinner. Afterwards, we'll go hear some live music.

 

I don't trust passion the way I used to. Passion is as arbitrary as rejection. I would like for this woman to see me as I truly am. No illusion.

Posted
I took no one for granted. My ex was going on dates with another man and smearing me while I was bringing home gifts for her. The resentment began at the same time of her emotional affair.

 

- You have a point, it was not necessarily you... she could have been a bad catch herself.

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