Unreal

[SycamoreCircle]

I've been seeing a woman. We've had three dates. I've put a moderate amount of effort into coming up with cool, fun dates. The woman is 31. I'm 38.

 

This woman is nuts about me. We haven't slept together. She just raves about me to her friends and family. She melts before me.

 

I like her a lot. I recognize that she would be really good for me.

 

* * * *

 

If I consider the way my ex treated me in the time leading up to our break up---her coldness, anger, smear campaign and betrayal---I can't wrap my head around why someone would treat me that way. Her emotions seemed reliant on themselves. I had nothing to do with the anger, the selfishness, the intolerance, the lashing out.

 

If I consider the way this new woman treats me---her fawning, her sweet-nothings, her nurturing---I don't understand what I'm doing to provoke such extreme behavior.

 

So, whether it's hatred and derision or adoration and praise, it all seems apart from who I am, and consequently unreal.

 

I'd appreciate your opinions on this.

[writergal]

First thought that comes to mind: why are you comparing this new woman with your ex-gf? Let the ghost (of your ex) go. Until you do that, you delay your own emotional healing from your previous breakup that happened over a year ago. Comparing the past to the present will guarantee you no future where love is concerned. Stop getting in your own way Sycamore.

 

If she's fawning over you after only 3 dates, that's too much too soon. That's good that you two like each other, but brakes must be applied, and liberally, if you want this connection to have some mileage to it. Otherwise, full speed ahead but put on your seatbelt for the oncoming crash when the feeling burns out.

 

So, stop making comparisons. Don't rush things. And set some boundaries to protect you both if you want to see this go somewhere. Or not. It's your call. You're the umpire of your own love game. I'm just a spectator with a larger waving foam finger and some popcorn.

[BluEyeL]

That's kinda unhealthy. She doesn't even know you. Let's see how she does 6 months from now.

[writergal]

That's kinda unhealthy. She doesn't even know you. Let's see how she does 6 months from now.

 

Or even 6 hours, 6 days, and 6 weeks from now.

 

 

Nature never rushes, yet it gets everything done. - Donald L. Hicks.

[SycamoreCircle]

It has been a year on the dot of NC. April 4th.

 

I agree that my ex shouldn't be in the picture. I spoke to the new woman about this last night. I just wanted to be honest with her. It's like a terrible car accident or the death of a child. There is mostly pain associated with it. And I find the more I try to hold onto something new, the more that trauma muscles its way in.

 

I said to her, "There's nothing to go back to. Whatever I treasured in that relationship no longer exists. I'm not sure it ever existed."

 

The new woman is Armenian and has a lot of traditional qualities, which I think is good for me. Yes, she fawns over me. But she doesn't have sex with men until after knowing them for an extended period. I really appreciate that. She's very close to her family and most of her friends she's known since childhood. She's so sweet. She's in the medical field which is a natural expression of her nurturing nature. And I think she recognizes in me pure intentions.

 

I am a little bit confused about why she's interested in me. Her style is very uptown---designer clothing, manicures, bubble gum, high-priced bottled water, credit card indebted, pop music. I'm thrift store, dumpster diving, vegetarian, bicycle owning, DIY, no career artist. She says her type is creative, free-spirit types. And she has tattoos and a recently abjured pot-smoking background. She wants to own a boat and can see herself leaving NYC. Me too.

 

Back to my original quandary, I just feel like women rely on chemicals to select men. There's no logic behind it.

[kendahke]

If it's too much, then dump her. I really don't see the problem here.

[Els]

How exactly is the new woman 'fawning' over you? Is she copiously declaring her 'love' for you and calling you every few hours and showing all the signs of moving way too fast... or is she just being sweet and receptive but it just feels 'extreme' to you because you are contrasting her against a bad relationship?

 

That being said, if you are constantly comparing women you date against your ex, you aren't really over your ex yet IMO. Tread carefully.

 

Back to my original quandary, I just feel like women rely on chemicals to select men. There's no logic behind it.

 

Statements like these make it very difficult to empathize with you. Do YOU select women you date solely based on logic? You'd let someone arrange a good-on-paper girlfriend for you, even if you FEEL no attraction towards her?

 

Moreover, would you WANT women to select men solely based on logic? "He makes $50k/year, that's $25,987 less than my benchmark. No thanks." "Oh, $78,000 a year, 6'1", 170 lbs, looking good so far... oops, he's a vegetarian. Next."

[Gaeta]

I agree that my ex shouldn't be in the picture. I spoke to the new woman about this last night. I just wanted to be honest with her. It's like a terrible car accident or the death of a child. There is mostly pain associated with it. And I find the more I try to hold onto something new, the more that trauma muscles its way in.

 

Don't do that.

 

Don't use a new date as a shrink to confine into about your past relationship. She didn't hear anything new from you, all of our heartbreaks were painful and were like a terrible car accident. If you are still in pain from it then you need to seek professional help or you do like I do, bite your teeth and push through it, but don't make it an exceptional war wound. It's not.

[road]

Moreover, would you WANT women to select men solely based on logic? "He makes $50k/year, that's $25,987 less than my benchmark. No thanks." "Oh, $78,000 a year, 6'1", 170 lbs, looking good so far... oops, he's a vegetarian.

 

 

I heard enough, next.

[nerd]

Dating a vegetarian is against my religion. Don't even get me started on vegans...

[SycamoreCircle]

How exactly is the new woman 'fawning' over you? Moreover, would you WANT women to select men solely based on logic?

Endless texting everyday throughout the day. Globs of praise. Boundless generosity. "What are you thinking?" at every step. If I look at her, she blushes and giggles, without fail. "I just feel so [insert dopamine influenced adjective here] with you." I could just go on and on.

 

To answer your other question, of course not! But what happens when all this wears off? What is left? Do I have to endure another blistering account of my inequities, my shortcomings? Do I have to hear about how we're so different? Do I have to witness another man literally walk into my home and exit with my girlfriend? Do I become I subject for scorn on Facebook? Because women are very capable of all these things. And it all fits into some reasonable attenuation of desire for them.

[SycamoreCircle]

Don't do that.

 

Don't use a new date as a shrink to confine into about your past relationship. She didn't hear anything new from you, all of our heartbreaks were painful and were like a terrible car accident. If you are still in pain from it then you need to seek professional help or you do like I do, bite your teeth and push through it, but don't make it an exceptional war wound. It's not.

She asked me, "do you still think about your ex?" I won't lie to her.

[SycamoreCircle]

Dating a vegetarian is against my religion. Don't even get me started on vegans...

Corduroy is a fabric seldom worn in Egypt.

 

???

[DivorcedDad123]

Sounds like she's idealizing you. Something to be wary of after only 3 dates. Don't put alot of stock into it at this point. She only sees you as all good and hasnt seen your bad points.

[SycamoreCircle]

Sounds like she's idealizing you. Something to be wary of after only 3 dates. Don't put alot of stock into it at this point. She only sees you as all good and hasnt seen your bad points.

Agreed. And the close cousin to idealization is devaluation.

[DivorcedDad123]

Exactly right

[carhill]

IMO, relax and enjoy the dating part. From your description, if LTR/marriage/family is your goal in a relationship, no worries about that, if she comes from a traditional family of that culture. Incompatible genes and bank account. Regardless of age, she could simply be rebelling against her family but she'll come back. They always do.

 

I recall one battle so large and protracted (cross cultural M) that my exW and I had to stand in for the groom's parents (he's Armenian) at their beautiful church wedding because the parents were protesting against the bride being from a different culture (it was exW's neice as bride). After that, the groom denied his parents access to their grandchildren. Ugly. That's just one anecdote of many since we have a large Armenian population here.

 

If the girl fawns over you, enjoy it. It may last a week, a month, a year or a lifetime. It's impossible to know. Just keep showing up until someone says no. Watch out for the parents. Good luck!

[Els]

Endless texting everyday throughout the day. Globs of praise. Boundless generosity. "What are you thinking?" at every step. If I look at her, she blushes and giggles, without fail. "I just feel so [insert dopamine influenced adjective here] with you." I could just go on and on.

 

Wow, okay. This is quite weird at 3 dates. I'd tread even more carefully.

 

To answer your other question, of course not! But what happens when all this wears off? What is left? Do I have to endure another blistering account of my inequities, my shortcomings? Do I have to hear about how we're so different? Do I have to witness another man literally walk into my home and exit with my girlfriend? Do I become I subject for scorn on Facebook? Because women are very capable of all these things. And it all fits into some reasonable attenuation of desire for them.

Some people are capable of all these things - I'm not sure why you continue to make it out to be a female generalization. Both men and women are susceptible to the end of the honeymoon phase when you see your partner as who they truly are, and have to decide whether or not you can accept it. That is the first true test for most relationships, and many fail it.

 

I really don't think you should be dating for the time being until you manage to sort out all the issues that your ex left with you, honestly. If you're still as badly hurt as you sound and extrapolating what she did to all women, you're really not ready to be in a relationship with a woman.

[Popsicle]

I've been seeing a woman. We've had three dates. I've put a moderate amount of effort into coming up with cool, fun dates. The woman is 31. I'm 38.

 

This woman is nuts about me. We haven't slept together. She just raves about me to her friends and family. She melts before me.

 

I like her a lot. I recognize that she would be really good for me.

 

* * * *

 

If I consider the way my ex treated me in the time leading up to our break up---her coldness, anger, smear campaign and betrayal---I can't wrap my head around why someone would treat me that way. Her emotions seemed reliant on themselves. I had nothing to do with the anger, the selfishness, the intolerance, the lashing out.

 

If I consider the way this new woman treats me---her fawning, her sweet-nothings, her nurturing---I don't understand what I'm doing to provoke such extreme behavior.

 

So, whether it's hatred and derision or adoration and praise, it all seems apart from who I am, and consequently unreal.

 

I'd appreciate your opinions on this.

 

Don't worry, most men don't understand why a woman loves or hates him either so you're not alone. Albert Einstein could not even figure women out.

 

When things are good, it's best to not overthink things.

[Popsicle]

Don't do that.

 

Don't use a new date as a shrink to confine into about your past relationship. She didn't hear anything new from you, all of our heartbreaks were painful and were like a terrible car accident. If you are still in pain from it then you need to seek professional help or you do like I do, bite your teeth and push through it, but don't make it an exceptional war wound. It's not.

 

Oh god yes this is so true. Whining/explaining/being honest/whatever to your new date about your ex is HORRIBLE!

 

(And unfortunately very common among both men and women)

[idoltree]

Sycamore, you strike me as someone who can't just be happy. If you find someone who - gasp - likes you, you're immediately searching for their flaws and why it won't work instead of just sitting with it. You only want someone who doesn't want you, and if you find someone who likes you your mind immediately jumps to something being wrong with that person.

 

No, women don't rely on "chemicals" as you say. Women are human beings, just like men. Our attraction is partially rational and partially emotional, just like men.

 

And there you go again with insinuating that there's something wrong with her for having a different lifestyle than you. She's uptown, you're downtown - we get it. You're virtuous, she's not - we get it. Why you get stuck on these things, I'll never know, since you chose to go out with her, too. If there's something wrong with her for her choosing you, then what's your deal? Getting stuck on those details is extremely hypocritical of you.

 

Get over your hangups and just be happy, for pete's sake. If you're uncomfortable with her adoration and the frequency of her texting, then be an adult and talk to her about it and ask her to dial it back. Problem solved.

[SycamoreCircle]

Sycamore, you strike me as someone who can't just be happy. If you find someone who - gasp - likes you, you're immediately searching for their flaws and why it won't work instead of just sitting with it. You only want someone who doesn't want you, and if you find someone who likes you your mind immediately jumps to something being wrong with that person.

 

No, women don't rely on "chemicals" as you say. Women are human beings, just like men. Our attraction is partially rational and partially emotional, just like men.

 

And there you go again with insinuating that there's something wrong with her for having a different lifestyle than you. She's uptown, you're downtown - we get it. You're virtuous, she's not - we get it. Why you get stuck on these things, I'll never know, since you chose to go out with her, too. If there's something wrong with her for her choosing you, then what's your deal? Getting stuck on those details is extremely hypocritical of you.

 

Get over your hangups and just be happy, for pete's sake. If you're uncomfortable with her adoration and the frequency of her texting, then be an adult and talk to her about it and ask her to dial it back. Problem solved.

You say "we". Maybe you and some other people are familiar with me from previous posts. I include things about who I am because I realize there are people on this forum who haven't read my other posts. So will you allow, for their sake, a little exposition? Will you also allow that most people who write in to LS aren't writing because they're pleased as punch about something? I was very happy. That was before the love of my life sold me up the river. I'm trying to find my way, just like everyone else. I'm trying to move on. Yes, I have hang ups and insecurities. I'm trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. I hope you'll allow me to do so.

[writergal]

You say "we". Maybe you and some other people are familiar with me from previous posts. I include things about who I am because I realize there are people on this forum who haven't read my other posts. So will you allow, for their sake, a little exposition? Will you also allow that most people who write in to LS aren't writing because they're pleased as punch about something? I was very happy. That was before the love of my life sold me up the river. I'm trying to find my way, just like everyone else. I'm trying to move on. Yes, I have hang ups and insecurities. I'm trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. I hope you'll allow me to do so.

 

Yes, you may well be on your way, but so far the route that you're taking is a roundabout because you're just going in circles.

 

Every woman whom you've met and posted about here since your break-up a year ago, you've criticized and picked apart, as if she was food on your plate whom you have no appetite for.

 

I don't think you are emotionally over your ex. You refer to your ex as the love of your life, yet your anger at her lingers on, in your statement, "she sold me up the river."

 

When are you going to let go of all that anger towards her? Do you still hold out hope that your ex will change her mind and come back to you? Is 'hope' what all of that anger masks?

 

Some people advocate rebounds as a healthy way to get over an ex. I don't think that's working for you though, because these woman have zero chance with you from the start. They may genuinely like you, but you've assigned them personality disorders and assassinated their character before the 4th date with you -- which *you* agreed to, by the way.

 

So what if she is Uptown Girl and you're Dumpster Diving Artist Formerly Known As? Opposites attract all of the time. Look at actress Salma Hayek and French Businessman Francois-Henri Pinault. You couldn't have two more opposite people yet they are madly in love and have a daughter.

[Gary S]

In answer to the OP's question, it's simple. It's called love. Why when talking about dating and relationships do people, even the experts, seldom mention love?

 

Your ex had fallen out of love and became resentful.

 

The new lady is falling hard for you - good for you, enjoy! Just make sure you do the right things and keep this woman in love with you this time. Don't take her for granted. Ever.

 

Women in love are fun! Love changes everything.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Endless texting everyday throughout the day. Globs of praise. Boundless generosity. "What are you thinking?" at every step. If I look at her, she blushes and giggles, without fail. "I just feel so [insert dopamine influenced adjective here] with you." I could just go on and on.

 

To answer your other question, of course not! But what happens when all this wears off? What is left? Do I have to endure another blistering account of my inequities, my shortcomings? Do I have to hear about how we're so different? Do I have to witness another man literally walk into my home and exit with my girlfriend? Do I become I subject for scorn on Facebook? Because women are very capable of all these things. And it all fits into some reasonable attenuation of desire for them.

 

Syc....you seem like a sweet guy with a good heart that has been shredded by your ex. When everything seems to be (and is) going well for you with a woman you're seeing, you dread it because you think at some point down the road it's all going to vanish or that she's going to lose interest in you or that another guy is going to whisk her away from you or, or, or....

 

For pete's sake, just ENJOY this moment in time with this woman! One never knows (nor can we anticipate) what Life has in store for any of us. You have to take happiness and everything else in life ONE DAY AT A TIME. If she stops "fawning" over you one day and loses interest in you, well then, that's that. If some other guy appeals more to her than you do and she breaks up with you, then, that's that. If she decides one day that you two are way too different from each other, well then, that's THAT. But....what if NONE of those things EVER happens, and things end up working out for you two?? Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or have you ever heard of The Law of Attraction (The Secret)?? What you THINK ABOUT, you'll BRING ABOUT.

 

STOP thinking about all of the things that could go wrong with this woman and just freakin' ENJOY your time with her and ENJOY the fact that she likes you and thinks you're awesome. STOP questioning what her attraction to you means (whether it derives from logic or chemicals) and STOP talking to her about your ex! You've already told her too much about your past relationship - emphasis on the word PAST.

 

Embrace this new experience with this woman and allow yourself to ENJOY each moment as it comes, okay? Stop thinking about this and stop over-analyzing it. Whatever happens with this new woman will happen - regardless of what you think or how you think about it.

 

SMILE, damn it! There are guys on here who would step over your dead body to get what you have at this very moment! ENJOY IT - however long it lasts!!!

 

 

.