I need her to destroy me - so i can stop clinging on to hope

[jen1447]

I want to message her, i want to tell her how i really feel.

 

I want to DESTORY HER.

 

I could, with one small message.

 

All the dozens of conversations about her feelings toward her father and what a lyer and a cheat he is....she has become her father. I think she needs to know that.

What do you think.?

It won't work. She likely lost most all respect for you when you totally let her off the hook, so nothing you say now will carry much weight. She'll just think you're being a whiny b*tch and shrug it off, leaving your last impression with her a very sad one.

 

Break ups like this are so painful essentially because they're dehumanizing. You're made to feel literally less than human by the treatment you suffered. Rebuilding your humanity won't be helped by getting revenge or "destroying" anyone. You need to find that value in yourself. Way easier said than done, but you need to look inward, not outward.

[Diezel]

What do you think.?

 

I think that you are going to get a dozen great responses on what NOT to do and that you are just going to end up doing whatever in the blue hell you want, regardless.

 

She doesn't need to destroy you, you are doing a pretty good job on your own.

[flight E]

U will still end up in no contact anyways so it boils down to whether you want to end up there looking and feeling like an ass or whether you want to retain whatever dignity you may have left. It's your call. But nothing you say to her will mean anything, you will only look more pathetic

[gnick]

I wouldn't listen to anyone as well as my own best judgment either. I just had to keep after her to talk one last time. Do what I should have done. Say **** the bitch and drive on down the road

[embeu]

I feel for you Maverick. 5 months ago i was in a similar situation as you, only difference is that i dont know if she cheated or not.

 

 

Before she broke up with me (by text) she told me she didnt feel the spark anymore and that she needed time. She said nothing more and refused to talk about her situation with me. When i got the text i was absolutely devestated and i have spent the last 4-5 months trying to figure out when and where it went wrong and why she wouldnt break up with me face to face.

 

 

Like yourself i too wanted her to destroy me. I wanted her to tell me that she was absolutely sure her romantic feelings for me had faded and that she didnt see a future with me, not ever. I have sent her a total of 5 emails asking for this but i havent gotten a single response, and this is something that still bothers me. How can someone who once said she loved me deny me this. I gave her my heart, treated her nice and would have given everything for her to be happy.

 

 

When i look back at things now i feel that if I had gotten what I wanted back then things would have been much easier later on. Maybe you dont see this now, but the fact that she took her time to talk to you will make it easier in the long run. It is good that you hate her because what she did to you is unforgivable. And one day she will look back at what she did and she will feel terrible for it, but when that day comes you will be done with her and you will have moved on.

 

 

If you ever feel like you just HAVE TO call her or talk to her one last time I strongly advice you to go on LS instead and read other peoples post. This has helped me greatly when i was feeling low and depressed, and it gets your mind off of her and it helps you to get a bit of a perspective. You are not alone in feeling this way and you will one day wake up to a beautiful sunny morning not feeling bad anymore.

 

 

Another flipside in talking to your ex now is that you are full off emotions. You dont think rationally and you will say or do things that you will 100% regret when you analyze the situation afterwards. Your girlfriend is not in an emotionally state like you and she will without a doubt "win" every discussion you two have.

 

 

Like many others here have said - go NC. Remove her from facebook, snapchat, instagram and all other social media. Remove her family and remove or unfollow your mutual friends. Throw away EVERYTHING that reminds you of here (yes, i do meen delete every textmessage, email, letter, photo, video etc you EVER got from her). You will have a bumpy road ahead but give it time and suddenly, without even noticing it, you will be driving on a bump-free highway in a 2 seat sportscar without room for your ex.

 

 

And know this: The fact that you asked her to talk to you one last time does NOT make you look like a pathetic looser. In fact i think that in 2 months time you will look back at that conversation and feel like you got the closure you needed. She cheated on you and didnt seem to care much when she told you she was in a relationship with this guy. That will definitely be a very good clorsure for you in 2 months, and it is something i really envy you. Your ex is very young and she probably never experienced a breakup like you are experiencing now so she doesnt have any idea how you are feeling, nor does she have the wisdom to see things from your perspective. She will know soon enough, but that wisdom shall NOT come from you, she has to experience this on her own.

 

 

Please do not send her any texts, emails, calls or anything. And do not respond to hers either. I urge you to block her everywhere you can because this way you will terminate that 1% hope you have of her contacting you to apologize. This is a lesson most people learn the hard way, and they only do that mistake once.

 

 

I will say it again. I felt sorry for you when reading your post. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. This breakup is not your fault, you should not feel bad for not giving her enough attention. You did what you could, she was too immature to handle the relationship. You will get better and you will find better!

Edited April 10, 2015 by embeu

[Maverick27]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

THankyou chi TownN for the self-improvement advice, i will what you said and put it into action.

 

Thank you especially embeu for taking the time to analyse my situation and give such an in depth response. What you have written makes me feel alot better. I guess i am glad i got some sort of closure. I guess i should respect her for at least giving me that.

 

Unfortunately i did ignore everyones advice and contacted her again - however i dont regret it.

 

I sent her a rather lengthy text message saying that she 'projected alot of guilt on to me to justify her actions and that i dont think i deserved it'. 'i was your best friend in the world and you so recklessly played with my feelings'. I told her 'im sad that it's over but to move on i never want to see or talk to you again'. 'Take care'.

 

She never replied, but obviously i didnt expect her too.

 

This whole experience has been such a lesson to me. It's extraordinary what the mind will do to protect you from itself.

 

I took on all the guilt of what she did to me so that i wouldn't have to feel the hard rejection of being cheated on and left for another guy. It protected my ego to think that it was all my fault. However now i know that she is truly gone and in another relationship, so it's all sort of hitting me now. The hatret/anger etc.

 

It's just so hard believing that it actually happened. You so badly want to believe that the person you love wouldnt do this to you - so you blame yourself. She facilitated my self loathing and blame, which is what i texted her about. She should have recognised that i had taken on far to much of the blame and become depressed and come clean and just told me the cold hard truth that she is selfish and put her actions before my feelings.

 

Whilst i've grieved the loss of her, my pride and self-worth is still in shambles.

 

What i am struggling most with is the impression i left her with of me. That i was depressed and sad and guilty for all of it for a month, then to suddenly turn around and put all the blame back on her via text message. - She probably thinks im crazy/hates me now. But i had to do it, because if the door was left open i know i would have contacted her again. Now it's shut. By telling her i never want to see or talk to her again i have commited to No Contact by means of being an absolute lunatic if i go back on that.

 

It hurts to know that she is in the honey moon phase with this guy, thinking he is amazing, and then she see's me, this sad, depressed, lonely man with no self worth. It's going to be hard trying not to see myself through her eyes.

One thing i have learnt, is that to listen to the kind advice of everyone on LS. If i had gone now contact straight away i would have avoided all this pain and anger. I did it to myself, which is the ****test part.

 

I made her feel comfortable enough to tell me she was going to stay with this guy over easter. I mader her feel comfortable enough to tell me she was in a relationship. And now, after everything, after all the effort i put into understanding her situation and forgiving her and making her feel good, i went back on it with a ****ing text message.

 

Oh well, i had to do it.

[embeu]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

I sent her a rather lengthy text message saying that she 'projected alot of guilt on to me to justify her actions and that i dont think i deserved it'. 'i was your best friend in the world and you so recklessly played with my feelings'. I told her 'im sad that it's over but to move on i never want to see or talk to you again'. 'Take care'.

 

She never replied, but obviously i didnt expect her too.

 

This whole experience has been such a lesson to me. It's extraordinary what the mind will do to protect you from itself.

 

I took on all the guilt of what she did to me so that i wouldn't have to feel the hard rejection of being cheated on and left for another guy. It protected my ego to think that it was all my fault. However now i know that she is truly gone and in another relationship, so it's all sort of hitting me now. The hatret/anger etc.

 

It's just so hard believing that it actually happened. You so badly want to believe that the person you love wouldnt do this to you - so you blame yourself. She facilitated my self loathing and blame, which is what i texted her about. She should have recognised that i had taken on far to much of the blame and become depressed and come clean and just told me the cold hard truth that she is selfish and put her actions before my feelings.

 

Whilst i've grieved the loss of her, my pride and self-worth is still in shambles.

 

What i am struggling most with is the impression i left her with of me. That i was depressed and sad and guilty for all of it for a month, then to suddenly turn around and put all the blame back on her via text message. - She probably thinks im crazy/hates me now. But i had to do it, because if the door was left open i know i would have contacted her again. Now it's shut. By telling her i never want to see or talk to her again i have commited to No Contact by means of being an absolute lunatic if i go back on that.

 

It hurts to know that she is in the honey moon phase with this guy, thinking he is amazing, and then she see's me, this sad, depressed, lonely man with no self worth. It's going to be hard trying not to see myself through her eyes.

One thing i have learnt, is that to listen to the kind advice of everyone on LS. If i had gone now contact straight away i would have avoided all this pain and anger. I did it to myself, which is the ****test part.

 

I made her feel comfortable enough to tell me she was going to stay with this guy over easter. I mader her feel comfortable enough to tell me she was in a relationship. And now, after everything, after all the effort i put into understanding her situation and forgiving her and making her feel good, i went back on it with a ****ing text message.

 

Oh well, i had to do it.

 

Ignoring NC advice is a common thing to do for dumpees in a fresh break up. I am not sure if I agree its a mistake to do so. In the kind of situation you are in right now there is alot of unanswered questions and very strong emotions that can be very hard working through alone. I think that what you sent her the second time is just, it is your full right to let her know how her actions and behaviour affected you. Know that she didnt reply to you for 2 reasons.

1) She feels extremely bad for what she has done

2) She doesnt know how to explain to you what she has done

 

I too have learned very much for what i have been through after my break up. When I look back at myself before I met my ex i really think i am a different and better person now. But my ex will never get to know the better version of me because the way she treated doesnt give her the right to.

 

I think taking on the guilt is a common thing to do when something like this happens because that way you can rationalize what happened. Speculating on the reasons why she did what she did and how she could possibly be so cruel is hard because the answers you come up with are speculative, it is easier to blame it all on yourself because then you find answers. At first I blamed myself for the break up, reasoning that if i had been more open or spotted the red flags earlier everything would have worked out fine. This is futile, and it kept my healing back months. I think it is good to speculate about what happened when the reason for the break up isnt something bad that you did. The reason for this is that the breakup is NOT your fault. Talk about it with friends and family, and keep on posting here on LS. There is alot of good advice to get here and alot of grown up people with a ton of life experience to help you straighten out your thoughts.

 

It is a good thing you shut the door completely. Now block her on facebook and all other social media. Block her phonenumber as well. If she contacts you in 1 month you will be back to square one. I know it hurts badly but in these time you have to listen to your rationality, not your heart.

 

The bad feelings you get when thinking about her with someone else will be in your mind for some time, but they will fade. Do not try to keep tabs on her relationship with this guy, and do not wait for it to end so that you can finally "be happy" it didnt go well. Again i really urge you to block her out of your life!!!

 

Dont feel bad for contacting her, it was your full right to do so. I know it hurts badly when you dont get a response but i think the period of grieving will be shorter. In a couple of months you will think to yourself that you at least told her how you felt about what happened, and you wont wonder stuff like "did she really know how this affected me". Now she knows, and your email will be in the back of her mind for a long time.

 

Now say the following to yourself: "I was played like a fool and treated very badly. I will NEVER give her a second chance because cheating is the worst kind of pain you can inflict on another person. I know I treated her well and did everything I could to make her feel loved and cared for and the ending is NOT my doing".

You should hate her for what she did. One day that hate will turn into not caring and then you will be a whole new and better person.

 

I resonded to your thread because i can relate to what you are going through now. I would very much like to get an update from you in a months time about how everything is going.

Edited April 11, 2015 by embeu

[Ruby65]

All reaching out accomplishes is stroking her ego and making it easier for her to move on, secure in the knowledge you're still hanging around as a Plan B option if she ever changes her mind.

 

Please let this be the end of contacting your ex.

 

Make sure she's got no way to contact you when the Honeymoon's over with her new boyfriend -- block her everywhere, online and off. Erase her from your existence and keep moving forward day by day.

 

Time to focus on YOU -- your life, your future.