Says he wanted to be friends but he doesnt seem to be making an effort?

[MapleWish]

My ex (Cody) and i dated for a very short time. Cody went through a 10 month separation from his wife last year and got divorced finally in October, she filed for divorce, not Cody. but cody and i tried dating/courting for a couple months afterwards, it didnt work, he told me in January he wasnt ready and then basically for the next 3/4 months we were stuck in a limbo of acting like a couple (flirting, being affectionate, cuddling etc) and deciding it was best to be friends. we've done NOTHING physical, we're both christian and believe in saving yourself for marriage, we never even kissed, so forget about assumptions about "using me for sex". and also the "he just said that so he could talk to other girls" crap and whatnot. he's not like that and i would know for a fact, nick would tell me and also he clarified if he's not ready to date ME, he's not ready to date ANYONE.

 

so finally on St Pattys day Cody ended things officially, by stating he'd made up his mind and knows he's not ready for a relationship and didnt want to risk further leading me on by cuddling and being affectionate when he knows he's not ready. he said he wanted to stay friends and i think he meant it. despite what's going on, cody is a good guy, he wouldn't tell me what i want to hear or use me, he had GENUINE feelings for me, even his best friend can confirm that; we both liked eachother but he knew deep down he wasnt ready to date again, we started off last year being good friends so we were hoping we could go back to that. but things are different now, we have history now (we're now exes). in the beginning he texted more and we hung out more. when we last talked, i reminded him that's HE'S the one that said we need to be friends, he set the pace, and HE needs to act like a friend. i know from experience and word from 3 of his friends that he's generally NOT a big texter, if someone wants to hang out with him, he's usually NOT the first one to text and suggest something. i'm fine with us being friends, obviously i still have feelings for him which is why i CARE about him texting me to hang out, like if he was an average joe friend of mine i wouldnt be overly concerned like i am. but he seems to be making it hard to be JUST FRIENDS. how hard is it to text or call someone to hang out? believe it or not i am the ONLY girl he hangs out with, the rest of his friends are bros. but i get jealous of his relationship with them. he can go a week without seeing one of his buds and say "i havent seen nick in forever" and go hang out with nick, but it's been a week since we've hung out and still nothing. we've had all the talks. fact is we were friends before, we BARELY dated, and he's leaving in a few months to go back to Michigan (where his family is), he's moving back permanently. i just feel like he's not being a friend even though he made the call. when we had the talk he noted he was probably gonna be hanging out with the guys more now and i felt offended. he considers me a good friend but so far hasnt reached out. he said he's fine being friends and it doesnt make him uncomfortable but his actions say otherwise. obviously hanging with the guys is different; they dont have a crush on him and there's no pressure around guys but what should i do?

 

i'm not trying to keep him as a friend for the false hope we'll one day end up together, i've heard that answer so much it's not true. he's a good christian man and a good friend. he's talked bout me coming up to michigan to visit once he's all settled in, so it seems he sees a future friendship but for the next 3 months or so, he's here living 20 minutes away. i feel like there's no point in discussing the whole "youre not acting like a friend" deal cause of the fact that he IS leaving and then it wont matter cause i wont be seeing him cause he'll be 7 hours away.

 

is he maybe confused right now? many times in the past we had the "we need to be friends" talk and then we'd go back to flirting and cuddling again and i thought maybe he's distancing himself a little more this time so that wont happen? or hes worried i'm still holding on, he had to tell me on st pattys day to STOP chasing him, well now i'm chasing a friendship but still i'm trying to see this from his view. our last big talk was tuesday i think and he noted his feelings arent completely gone but i hate that i'm so jealous of bro time, is he ever gonna make time for me? but this is all my perspective. and i know his relationship with the guys is gonna be different from me but i cant help but compare myself to them and how he treats them and makes time for them. i want to go to shooting ranges and ride passenger on his sport bike and watch movies like we did in the past, whys that so hard?

[Jimmyjackson]

When two people have been involved with each other, the person who breaks it off uses the 'friends' line to relieve guilt. It's a classic line that's dropped all the time by the person doing the breaking up, they don't actually mean they want to be friends.

 

Despite you not having any physical contact, you have both still had feelings for each other so he probably can't be friends with you right now.

 

Also, why do you want to be friends with someone you have feelings for?

[ExpatInItaly]

He was trying to let you down easy by giving you the "I want to be friends" line, because he knows you like him but he doesn't feel the same way anymore. Right now, it's fairly obvious that maintaining the friendship isn't a priority for him. In other words, he doesn't want to be the type of friend you're looking for. You need to really let go of this so you can move on.

 

You talk about him as though you are still dating him. You need to realize that it's over. I don't think it's hit you yet, OP.

[MapleWish]

i did ask on tuesday, i said it felt like he doesnt care any longer, he said he does and his feelings arent ENTIRELY gone, he just knows he cant make a mistake again and lead me on

[Jimmyjackson]

i did ask on tuesday, i said it felt like he doesnt care any longer, he said he does and his feelings arent ENTIRELY gone, he just knows he cant make a mistake again and lead me on

 

So there is your answer.

 

You can't break up and just expect it to go back to how it was before it all happened between the two of you, you have history now.

[Ruby65]

i did ask on tuesday, i said it felt like he doesnt care any longer, he said he does and his feelings arent ENTIRELY gone, he just knows he cant make a mistake again and lead me on

 

^Please don't read too much into that. He's trying to be nice and let you down gently.

 

The truth is, he can't really have you hanging around being his friend when he starts dating other women.... not if he's told you he's "not ready" for a relationship. How would you feel then?

 

Try and accept that friendship isn't healthy for either one of you right now. You'll know you're ready to REALLY be *friends only* when he can tell you about his new girlfriend... and you feel nothing but happiness for him.

 

I would say you're far from that point.

 

Really, what's the big rush to be friends right now? Nothing wrong with taking some time apart and waiting for all the romantic feelings to die down. Give it a year or so -- you have the rest of your life to be friends with this guy!

[d0nnivain]

Let's be friends is one of the oldest white lies in the book. People just say it. Very few mean it. Cody did not mean it. Leave him alone.