Never losing temper again

[SerCay]

As a Mediterranean woman I have a temper.

Not sure if my background is the cause, but I have it.

 

It used to be worse than now...

 

As I started spending more time on myself and my inner world, my temper almost disappeared.

 

I still have it though, but something has changed.

 

Before, I didn't have a problem with my temper, especially when I was right.

 

Nowadays, even in situations in which I'm obviously right, I feel guilty for losing my temper afterwards. Simply because it's unnecessary.

 

If someone cannot understand your point of view when you explain them in a normal manner, then losing your temper isn't going to change that at all.

You only say hurtful stuff, which doesn't serve your purpose at all.

 

Does anyone relate?

 

If so, how did you manage to get rid of losing the temper?

 

Ps. I also notice that I like people who never ever lose their temper better. I had a cousin, who sadly died of a heart attack a couple years ago. He was an alcoholic, and basically a lazy f*ck...but I loved him so much, everybody did...when I thought about it, I came to the conclusion it was because this guy never ever lost his temper, with no one. My brother is the same. I admire that so much.

[Mrlonelyone]

Short story: I have an Ex who also had a mediterennan background. Men of her ethnicity all understood what I was dealing with when I described her volatility. Could it be normal and cultural for you guys? Perhaps.

 

Temper control is for me and my people something we learn. It is a sort of zen like posture about people. To remain calm while others loose their cool is a sign of power. How can you learn this. Perhaps consider meditation, that be take the form of prayer. If you are catholic you could try regular prayer, when you want to get angry instead say a rosary.

[SupportiveGuy]

There are several anger-defeating practices that you can add to your social interactions. When you feel angry you basically have to remember to do or say something funny or silly that makes things all better. Eventually, it makes it so that you barely have to be upset for more than a few moments before you are back to a happy state.

 

Many people figure out how to hold in their anger and frustration, but they don't figure out any healthy behaviors to replace it with. This leads to social awkwardness and anxiety. Often they will give up on themselves, believing that they are messed up, or that being super irritable all the time is actually normal or healthy.

 

Also hostile emotions need to be let out with exercise. If you do figure out how to bottle up the anger, you will begin to feel terrible unless you exercise to release the emotional chemicals that build up in your body.

 

Try to realize that there are people out there who will never see eye to eye with you, and that their views may be equally valid to yours. Some people can't be saved, and it's (usually) not worth getting upset trying to save them. Some people just like to argue, troll, and generally get people irritated. You are giving them exactly what they want when you get angry.

[SerCay]

Definitely going to try meditation..

 

And about the saying something funny or silly....this cousin I mentioned used to do this all the time!!!

 

Whenever I would raise my voice in the same scenario, he just shook his head and made a witty funny remark

 

Also, when you lose your temper you automatically lose the argument

Edited April 5, 2015 by SerCay

[Lion Heart]

Anger is a healthy emotion. It's normal to get angry.

Noticing a bad temper could be anger out of control.

There are very interesting clips on anger by George K.Simon.

 

I'm a reactive anger personality. I'm the pussy cat sleeping soundly minding my own business on the porch. It's only when I'm threatened that I'll give plenty of warning before the threat needs to back off. If the threat remains then watch out.

It takes ALOT for me to get there but that's me.

 

The danger with NOT diffusing your own anger or indeed any negative emotions are unhealthy ways of dealing with substance abuse or major health issues. The substances may relieve our minds for a quick fix but addiction may follow.

Still our bodies know when we're not "dealing" and create

dis-ease ie not being at ease.

 

I guess for me at least, it is about recognizing when I am angry.

Knowing what I need to do immediately.

Knowing if it in fact a true threat or perceived threat to me.

Using the healthy alternatives to deal.

 

Mine are walking, yoga, writing, meditation, prayer, gardening & most certainly humour! But the long term ways are to realise that when others see things differently then that's ok.

No one needs to "conform" to my way of thinking and it's a damned good thing too!

 

If there are people in your life that provoke constant anger (I'm in that potential situation now) it's finding ways for time out and altering my reaction. Doing things I feel joy in doing.

 

So on that note my kids are ready now so I'm ready to take us all on a holiday. Joy. Peace. Love. Fun!

 

Lion Heart.

[Tayla]

reframe your thought process's. its your internal dialogue that is producing this emotion. emotions are neither negative or positive. they are indicators, much like a thermometer. thus the new age terminology "cool as a cucumber" or "hot under the collar".

i tend to spike easily on some topics/concerns... and learned to either address them immediately or give myself time to clarify the information.

 

Sometimes it does a body good to spout... so long as it doesn't reach physical harm or irrational statements.

 

I personally am leary of folks who are devoid of varying emotions or convictions. Might as well be a robot.

 

re-exam your thoughts and see if you can slow it down to absorb what is really happening. heck i can internally talk myself into a tizzy! and that does actually turn out rather comical!

[gaius]

Please don't change yourself, women with a temper are very sexy. I was chuckling to myself today thinking about a certain woman trying to punch me in the head for something.

[Tayla]

Please don't change yourself, women with a temper are very sexy. I was chuckling to myself today thinking about a certain woman trying to punch me in the head for something.

 

you sure loreena bobbit meets that opinion? she had quite the temper.

 

op- has your concern in addressing anger issues stemmed from losing ppl in your life? or did you stumble upon this character modification?

[gaius]

you sure loreena bobbit meets that opinion? she had quite the temper.

 

op- has your concern in addressing anger issues stemmed from losing ppl in your life? or did you stumble upon this character modification?

I'll admit, that's a little too much of a good thing. Any abuse of the penis is very unsexy. I just got punched there once and that was one of the few times I lost my temper. =/

 

What topics do you spike on Tayla, just for future reference.

[Taramere]

As a Mediterranean woman I have a temper.

Not sure if my background is the cause, but I have it.

 

I would steer clear of stereotyping yourself as having a Mediterranean temperament. It's like "fiesty redheads" or "artistic temperaments". Even when you present it as a negative, there are enough people out there who will glamorise it/put a positive spin on it that it can obstruct positive change.

 

I had a bad temper as a teen. I don't think it was a temperamental thing, since apparently I was a very placid, laid back thing. I think it was the consequence of growing up learning to hold my own in a family environment consisting of two highly aggressive men (father and brother).

 

A turning point for me was when I physically attacked a bitchy (psychologically bullying) girl at school. I'd never really learned how to cope with bitchiness...and I was far less afraid of having a physical altercation (even one where I could get hurt) than I was of teenage girl bitchiness. It wasn't that I was temperamentally a tomboy - more a case of just having learned (at home) the wrong tools for dealing with that sort of thing. My mother would have had me dishing out the kind of ludicrous retorts that would have made me a laughing stock forever. My brother and father's advice was basically "hit them."

 

So I did hit this girl, and of course I was sent to the headmistress. I was given a lecture, but it was kind of a "you remind me of me when I was a girl - basically nice but with a temper" approving lecture. In fact, although I received a detention as a lip service to discipline, my reaction to the bully was overwhelmingly an approving one from children and adults alike. However, there were elements of the headmistress's pep talk that were helpful. Losing your temper makes you feel incredibly strong temporarily (and it can also appear to get you what you want - respect from others, people backing down etc), but really, it makes you very vulnerable to the control of others.

 

What she was saying was, in very basic terms, that I was opening myself to endless drama if I failed to learn how to control my temper...and that would attract, into my life, toxic people who revel in creating drama and manipulating others through it. So that episode was generally a big wake up call for me. I had to recognise, in the middle of all these waves of peer and adult approval I was getting for hitting the girl, that actually I had done a wrong thing. That regardless of whether others seemed to respect/like me more as a result of what I had done, I had behaved abusively...and the last thing I wanted was to be an abusive person.

 

People who lose their temper are prone to behaving abusively. Whatever pretty picture other people want to put on it, that's what it is. It doesn't make them psychopaths or sociopaths or whatever label tends to be applied in an overly liberal way...but it can make them dangerous and toxic to be around.

 

So yes, you must learn to control your temper - and from my experience, that begins with dismissing approving messages others might give you for having difficulty controlling it. Usually when we struggle with changing something about ourselves, there's a core belief that the thing we say we want to change has attractive qualities. Mediterranean temper, artistic temperament - all of that. Kick it out of your head. You're definitely on the right track by admiring people who don't lose their temper, but it's unfortunate that you have an uncle who kept his temper but dealt with his issues in other destructive ways.

[gaius]

It's like the scene in Goodfellas where Henry Hill has no interest in Karen until she hunts him down and reams him out in front of everyone for standing her up. There's just something incredibly erotic about a girl who has strong feelings and isn't afraid to use them.

 

Why I usually end up attracted to Italian or Black women. But I might have to check out Mediterranean too after this thread.

[Taramere]

Bit of my post should have read "I had a bad temper as a teen. I don't think it was a temperamental thing, since apparently I was a very placid, laid back baby" (not "thing"!).

[Emilia]

Ps. I also notice that I like people who never ever lose their temper better. I had a cousin, who sadly died of a heart attack a couple years ago. He was an alcoholic, and basically a lazy f*ck...but I loved him so much, everybody did...when I thought about it, I came to the conclusion it was because this guy never ever lost his temper, with no one.

Taramere is right about the glorification of anger and I would also caution you about the above. Some people are alcoholics and passive because they have no idea how to handle their emotions so they use substance to prop them up and 'cope'. Have to be careful with that too.

 

What do you mean by losing your temper exactly, OP? Shouting? Smashing things? Or just getting very sarcastic and cutting?

[Diezel]

It's not about losing your temper, it's about recognizing when you need to reign it in and have it under control.

 

Life doesn't exist in a vacuum. You will face situations of adversity that will confront you with moments in which you need to control that temper.

 

And I get it, you are of a certain culture, but that almost subconsciously is assigning blame to a certain cultural trait, rather than you owning to it yourself. Take control of that as well.

[gaius]

People who lose their temper are prone to behaving abusively. Whatever pretty picture other people want to put on it, that's what it is. It doesn't make them psychopaths or sociopaths or whatever label tends to be applied in an overly liberal way...but it can make them dangerous and toxic to be around.

 

So yes, you must learn to control your temper - and from my experience, that begins with dismissing approving messages others might give you for having difficulty controlling it. Usually when we struggle with changing something about ourselves, there's a core belief that the thing we say we want to change has attractive qualities. Mediterranean temper, artistic temperament - all of that. Kick it out of your head. You're definitely on the right track by admiring people who don't lose their temper, but it's unfortunate that you have an uncle who kept his temper but dealt with his issues in other destructive ways.

You've lost your temper with me before and said some things that made my testicles retreat into my stomach, but you've also been one of the most genuinely kind and generous people I've run into. And that's a theme I've noticed with a lot of people like that. It seems generally when you repress the bad emotions you repress the good as well. Not you specifically, but people in general. Which I've never found to be a worthwhile trade off.

 

I guess Sercay if you find yourself being constantly manipulated into giving people attention by them hitting your hot buttons that might be something you need to work on. But if you just like to fight occasionally with a partner of your choosing and the temper comes out, there's nothing about that which needs changing. Except the partner if he can't handle it and doesn't appreciate you for the whole package.

[Taramere]

You've lost your temper with me before and said some things that made my testicles retreat into my stomach, but you've also been one of the most genuinely kind and generous people I've run into. And that's a theme I've noticed with a lot of people like that. It seems generally when you repress the bad emotions you repress the good as well. Not you specifically, but people in general. Which I've never found to be a worthwhile trade off.

 

I think what Diezel is saying above is a very important point. It's possible to express anger without losing your temper. When people lose their temper, to me that's about causing damage and destruction. Whether it's throwing plates or saying the kind of vicious things that destroy relationships.

 

Somebody I used to be friends with was very similar to me in temperament - but she had an extremely controlling streak. I know she was a terrible bully to her younger sister when they were kids...whereas I was the younger child, in no position to bully my brother. This friend once told me of a time she'd thrown an ornament at a boyfriend, and if it had been a couple of milimetres closer it would likely have killed him. That is loss of temper. It's vicious, dangerous and you don't want to be around it.

 

She managed to get a grip of that aspect of herself, but the controlling nature was still there. When I pissed her off (and it was my fault, but I have to say it was not a misdemeanour that comes anywhere close to almost killing a boyfriend...) she lost her temper and attacked me verbally and psychologically. I expressed anger back, but I didn't go below the belt whereas she did. When people lose their temper, they want to hurt. They want to cause destruction. The sad thing is that although she was throwing my vulnerabilities in my face in an attempt to hurt, it didn't actually hurt. It just made it very easy for me to walk away from the friendship. Later on, of course, I felt some loss...but not the kind of loss where I regret the end of the friendship and want it back.

 

There's a difference between feeling passionately about things, and expressing yourself passionately and losing your temper. Passion creates, loss of temper destroys.

[gaius]

I think what Diezel is saying above is a very important point. It's possible to express anger without losing your temper. When people lose their temper, to me that's about causing damage and destruction. Whether it's throwing plates or saying the kind of vicious things that destroy relationships.

 

Somebody I used to be friends with was very similar to me in temperament - but she had an extremely controlling streak. I know she was a terrible bully to her younger sister when they were kids...whereas I was the younger child, in no position to bully my brother. This friend once told me of a time she'd thrown an ornament at a boyfriend, and if it had been a couple of milimetres closer it would likely have killed him. That is loss of temper. It's vicious, dangerous and you don't want to be around it.

 

She managed to get a grip of that aspect of herself, but the controlling nature was still there. When I pissed her off (and it was my fault, but I have to say it was not a misdemeanour that comes anywhere close to almost killing a boyfriend...) she lost her temper and attacked me verbally and psychologically. I expressed anger back, but I didn't go below the belt whereas she did. When people lose their temper, they want to hurt. They want to cause destruction. The sad thing is that although she was throwing my vulnerabilities in my face in an attempt to hurt, it didn't actually hurt. It just made it very easy for me to walk away from the friendship. Later on, of course, I felt some loss...but not the kind of loss where I regret the end of the friendship and want it back.

 

There's a difference between feeling passionately about things, and expressing yourself passionately and losing your temper. Passion creates, loss of temper destroys.

I don't think it's a good point, still think it's a form of repression. My grandmother reminds me of your friend a little bit. She's spit in my face before, whacked me, used any perceived weakness I've had against me, but I can also safety say she's the only person that's ever unconditionally loved me. I could be a homeless bum on the street and she'd point out how I needed a bath, but then she would get on loving me just as much. And I'm not sure the two aren't linked. That the fact shes able to express her true feelings and emotions creates the genuine loving bond. And vice versa. And if you do one half assed then the other one comes out half assed too.

 

I think it's unfortunate that there aren't that many strong men who can deal with emotions like your friends, and yours even. That you feel the need to change yourself. That guy should have just given her a wack for that and kept on dating her. It was my half sister who punched me Iin the balls one time, I told her if she ever did that again I'd punch her in the head, and we got along fine after that.

[Taramere]

I think it's unfortunate that there aren't that many strong men who can deal with emotions like your friends, and yours even. That you feel the need to change yourself.

 

You're completely off the mark. The problem I have encountered is of other people wanting/trying to provoke my anger - then pretty much rewarding me with admiration if I do lose my temper. If you want to know why I react negatively to you, that would be a big part of it. Times I have lost my temper I can see for myself, with the rationality of hindsight, ways I have sabotaged myself as a result. And it is generally myself rather than others I will hurt if I lose my temper.

 

So from my perspective, people who try to needle me into anger are people who mean me harm. Who want to push me into a place where I will potentially sabotage or even destroy myself. Rationally, I can see that the people doing it - and I include you in this - are simply struggling with the process of becoming a mature adult. On a more instinctive level I see them as saboteurs. Toxic even.

 

A woman has come here in good faith asking for advice on how she can control her temper. She's asking because she's smart enough to see how struggling to manage her anger could ultimately destroy her and her relationships. Your posts don't look to me like they're coming from a place where you have that woman's interests at heart. Instead, you're encouraging her to allow herself to give in to anger - because you think it's "sexy" when a woman does that.

 

I'm not interested in men who want me to bust a gut because they think it's sexy and they see themselves as real men who can handle it -and that, gaius, is why you wouldn't handle me, couldn't handle me - and will never get the opportunity to handle me. So stop barking up that particular tree. You'll get nowhere. I'm interested in men who expect women to handle their sh*t like mature adults. If that's "repressive" too bad.

 

SerCay...I'm sorry for pulling your thread off course. I'll stay off it now, and wish you all the best with improving the management of your temper.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Taramere

[gaius]

I'm not really sabotaging you by telling you to be yourself SerCay. =/ It's been advice that's come out of 1,000 mouths here before, but people just like to argue when I say it.

[amaysngrace]

It's been advice that's come out of 1,000 mouths here before, but people just like to argue when I say it.

 

I know what you're saying because when people try to tamp down their authentic negative emotions they lose out on those other more positive emotions as well to balance it out.

 

Then being vibrant and alive is replaced with a more even temperament.

 

But maybe some people would fare better without so much drama and maybe that's what the OP wants...more calm.

 

I understand that too.

 

Being high strung is relative to being highfalutin and neither are considered attractive by most. It comes off as being unstable.

[Anela]

I think what Diezel is saying above is a very important point. It's possible to express anger without losing your temper. When people lose their temper, to me that's about causing damage and destruction. Whether it's throwing plates or saying the kind of vicious things that destroy relationships.

 

Somebody I used to be friends with was very similar to me in temperament - but she had an extremely controlling streak. I know she was a terrible bully to her younger sister when they were kids...whereas I was the younger child, in no position to bully my brother. This friend once told me of a time she'd thrown an ornament at a boyfriend, and if it had been a couple of milimetres closer it would likely have killed him. That is loss of temper. It's vicious, dangerous and you don't want to be around it.

 

She managed to get a grip of that aspect of herself, but the controlling nature was still there. When I pissed her off (and it was my fault, but I have to say it was not a misdemeanour that comes anywhere close to almost killing a boyfriend...) she lost her temper and attacked me verbally and psychologically. I expressed anger back, but I didn't go below the belt whereas she did. When people lose their temper, they want to hurt. They want to cause destruction. The sad thing is that although she was throwing my vulnerabilities in my face in an attempt to hurt, it didn't actually hurt. It just made it very easy for me to walk away from the friendship. Later on, of course, I felt some loss...but not the kind of loss where I regret the end of the friendship and want it back.

 

There's a difference between feeling passionately about things, and expressing yourself passionately and losing your temper. Passion creates, loss of temper destroys.

 

I dealt with this sort of thing with my sister, and I was the oldest. She once thanked me for being a good older sister - before she decided that I had to be punished for my very existence. I was attacked when we were kids; in our early twenties, she threw a portable heater at me (and I somehow forgot that, until I was repainting, and dad asked me what caused the hole in the wall). She split my forehead open, after throwing things at my face, and finishing with her bowl of food - she just missed my eye. There was more, but I've made my point. It wasn't healthy.

 

I've developed a real temper, in the past few years, having to deal with that and others - before, it was a guy who had been screwing with my head. I didn't have much to be angry about before, but now I feel damaged beyond repair. He was angry at the world, my sister was Bridezilla on steroids, my family was unrecognizable for a while, and they used to be the best thing about my life. Self-control is definitely a good thing.

[Snaggletooth]

I agree with a lot of what Gauis and Amasyn are saying and it all depends on the temper and why the temper is lost.

 

I used to be fiery when younger. Real fiery. In between the fire I was very laid back. Fired up instantly when needed, though. It was the old John Wayne thing "I won't be wronged, insulted or laid a hand on". That along with a hate of injustice, bullying, cheating, abuse etc. I'd fire up quick and deal with things quick. Lost friends, got in trouble with the law and none of it ever gained me anything..... except for being able to live with myself. Except for being true to myself, keeping my integrity and living by my morals, values and principles.

 

In my late twenties I decided it was time to cool off. Time to try to learn to turn a blind eye or the other cheek. In doing so I almost lost the parts of myself I like. In doing so, I found it hard to look myself in the eye. Your strengths are your weaknesses. The best and worst of me come from the same place. So I quit the long, slow, conformed death of trying to stifle myself to suit the simpering banality of the spineless. I quit trying to justify a lack of passion/action with meaningless words and b*llsh*t. I went back to my old self and regained myself. Albeit it with the addition of another gear. So instead of 0-60 in the blink of an eye I can now cruise in a mid gear for a short while and before shifting up or down.

 

Also, for what its worth my woman is Mediterranean and she can also be fiery. That passion, anger and fire is one of the things I like about her. She doesn't apologise for it either, and that's gorgeous. I wouldn't want her to be any way other than her natural self. Nothing snide, nothing passive aggressive, no brooding on sh*t, no repressing herself. None of that slimy cr*p. Strong, honest, fiery and defiant. Genuinely so. Good girl.

 

Basically, be true to yourself, choose your battles wisely and stand for what you believe in. If you can cool your temper, great, but it's not worth losing yourself for. Remember to see the good in yourself, the strengths of yourself. Consider where they come from and wonder if it's worth the sacrifice. The laid back might be more popular but when push comes to shove, when action is needed, they can often be hard to respect.

[Anela]

Geez, these assumptions in every thread! "People who love animals, tend to not like people" (not true!); "a hot temper is better than repression/passive-aggressiveness" (a person is not repressed, because they don't like to yell).

 

You can communicate without hurting someone, physically or emotionally. I've regretted things that I've said when emotional/anxious, because it can be damaging, and over really petty things - and the new-ish temper is horrible. I know where it's coming from, but it's become the new normal, and that is not good. I can empathize with others, when I think that it's coming from a place of fear, but that doesn't mean that I will put myself in the firing line. If the OP will be happier if she can get her temper under control, that's what matters.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Anela

[gaius]

I know what you're saying because when people try to tamp down their authentic negative emotions they lose out on those other more positive emotions as well to balance it out.

 

Then being vibrant and alive is replaced with a more even temperament.

 

But maybe some people would fare better without so much drama and maybe that's what the OP wants...more calm.

 

I understand that too.

 

Being high strung is relative to being highfalutin and neither are considered attractive by most. It comes off as being unstable.

I don't get the vibe the latter is the case with Ser. Just that she looses her temper occasionally and feels bad afterward. And I get that too sometimes. Even here, I can't bring myself to come back to a thread I've been too honest and forthright in. But I've also kept my mouth shut before and it ends up being better when you just let it go.

 

I think Anela and Tarameres thing is more depression related, I'm unhappy with myself kind of thing. And Anela, sorry to sabotage you and be toxic, but I think you're just fine as you are too.

[Taramere]

I don't get the vibe the latter is the case with Ser. Just that she looses her temper occasionally and feels bad afterward. And I get that too sometimes. Even here, I can't bring myself to come back to a thread I've been too honest and forthright in. But I've also kept my mouth shut before and it ends up being better when you just let it go.

 

I think Anela and Tarameres thing is more depression related, I'm unhappy with myself kind of thing. And Anela, sorry to sabotage you and be toxic, but I think you're just fine as you are too.

 

I'm not depressed, gaius. Though the fact that you think I'm vulnerable would explain why I'm amongst the various nonplussed women you target on here with your "courtship" PMs.