swordsmen121 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Story about my girlfriend and her ex: Apparently she felt something different and new with him for seven months. She accidentally got pregnant and miscarried. Her ex got freaked out and felt indifferent towards her. He didn't even console or was there for her when she miscarried. Then her relationship fell apart. She never got a closure. - She met me not so long after that. We were initially close friends and in that time she used to tell me how amazing her ex was and how nobody would be as good in bed as him. She used to tell me how her relationship was 'amazing' like a 'dream' which turned into a nightmare. After a few months me and her started dating and are serious about each other but the things she used to tell me about her ex still bothers me alot. She doesn't mention how good he was in bed or anything but if I ask her if she is over about her past, she says that she is still hurt and wants to know why he changed. She still says how her relationship was good and like a dream. And how she felt something different for him that she never felt before. I feel terrible knowing that she doesn't feel like that about me. I feel like im her second choice or something. I wish there comes a day where she can say our relationship is a dream and is amazing. I don't think she values me as much as she used to value him. Part of the reason why I feel like this is because of my insecurity but at the same time its not cool hearing something like that from her anyways if she is in a relationship with me. We can all agree that once you're in a relationship and happy with it, the previous relationship should not be a 'dream' anymore. She doesn't say this outright but whenever I do try to help her about bad experience she would say that it was a dream and how it was a good relationship before it got bad. I'm really trying to wonder if she is still over him? I feel really anxious knowing that I'm not the best for her and it really hampers on my confidence and sometimes even gives me performance anxiety. I know that I need to see a therapist. But what I would like to know is whether I should stay with her if she still feels this way about her ex?
Hawaii51 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Well, she's certainly not ready for another relationship, and the amount of time until you realized that is just the length of your noose. Someone stirred her heart and walked away. 1
Author swordsmen121 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) Well, she's certainly not ready for another relationship, and the amount of time until you realized that is just the length of your noose. Someone stirred her heart and walked away. She claims she doesn't have the same feelings for him anymore and that she's over him and doesn't want to be with him. She is happy with me and wants to get married to me and everything too. She would like to have baby with me too. We did things sexually that she has never done before and it has been great. She says shes very happy with her sex life and want to do alot more things with me. But even after this she still says her last relationship was good and like a dream before the bad things happened. She says she needs therapy too. Edited April 5, 2015 by swordsmen121
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 You need to talk to her about this and tell her how it makes you feel. 1
Author swordsmen121 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 You need to talk to her about this and tell her how it makes you feel. I did talk to her about it. With me she says that she believes in true love again. The love she has for me she hasn't felt this secure, safe, protected with anyone else. She loves that we are able to experience new things together. She even wants me to move in with her and her kids too. But what bothers me is why is her past still a 'dream' or why does she like it so much? She should just feel indifferent towards it just like how people should when they move on.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I did talk to her about it. With me she says that she believes in true love again. The love she has for me she hasn't felt this secure, safe, protected with anyone else. She loves that we are able to experience new things together. She even wants me to move in with her and her kids too. But what bothers me is why is her past still a 'dream' or why does she like it so much? She should just feel indifferent towards it just like how people should when they move on. Bad idea. I don't think she's over this previous guy yet. I hope you aren't seriously considering moving in with her. She almost sounds like she wants to fill the void and heal the pain from that loss. Be careful with this one, OP
Author swordsmen121 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Bad idea. I don't think she's over this previous guy yet. I hope you aren't seriously considering moving in with her. She almost sounds like she wants to fill the void and heal the pain from that loss. Be careful with this one, OP How can I make sure? I need to know because this is driving me crazy. She claims shes over him emotionally but shes angry at the fact that she lost her baby and is traumatized about it. Shes angry at him too. But I need to know for sure so that I can continue and decide my own life.
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Sounds like they had a whirl wind relationship. Those kind of relationships are very quick, intense, passionate and crazy.....most likely the reason why things fall apart. Of course she is going to feel the residual of how intense it was ....it's like a drug, the honeymoon phase is the where you are obsessed with each other, throwing caution into the wind, feelings exploding.....feels "amazing". So of course it's not going to be the same because your situation is different. You both already know each other, there is no mystery, fireworks going off from instant attraction. But it's not the end all be all. Not all relationship are going to be this explosion of intense crazy passion. Passion burn out so quick you are left with nothing. Being happy and satisfied is where it's at if you want things to last for the long haul. You have something others would kill for, so you need to be damn greatful for what you have, and learn to just be happy!!
Author swordsmen121 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Sounds like they had a whirl wind relationship. Those kind of relationships are very quick, intense, passionate and crazy.....most likely the reason why things fall apart. Of course she is going to feel the residual of how intense it was ....it's like a drug, the honeymoon phase is the where you are obsessed with each other, throwing caution into the wind, feelings exploding.....feels "amazing". So of course it's not going to be the same because your situation is different. You both already know each other, there is no mystery, fireworks going off from instant attraction. But it's not the end all be all. Not all relationship are going to be this explosion of intense crazy passion. Passion burn out so quick you are left with nothing. Being happy and satisfied is where it's at if you want things to last for the long haul. You have something others would kill for, so you need to be damn greatful for what you have, and learn to just be happy!! I still feel like I'm not good enough for her in bed. I rather be on her mind than let her dwell on encounters with her past sexual partners.
Versacehottie Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 You need to talk to her about this and tell her how it makes you feel. Yeah, I think you need to be proactive about this one and talk to her. For two reasons so listen to her answers very carefully. If you are: *being too sensitive--let this be a one time conversation and get over your insecurity about this guy. She is in a relationship with you and you worrying about him will only drive her away if there is no truth (or very little) truth to it. You have to act like she's got the bigger better deal!!! Until you believe it!! *if there is some/a lot of truth to her having feelings for him (i hope not but it was fast and somewhat convenient so it's a possibility--which I don't know NOR does anyone here so don't let it tear down your confidence), then you have to assert you importance by asking the question and not being afraid of the answer. Be ready to walk if she still has feelings for him. It's the only way. Don't be her doormat or friendly f*ck buddy, psuedo bf. You want to be the real thing and deserve it so discussion needs to be had where you assert yourself. She will respect you for this. I would guess if there's any truth to this scenario she is taking you for granted and on the fence in a way. Where she believes the ex was a fairytale. She's never been afraid of losing you or seen you with those values in mind. She's been kinda leaning on you if this is true and hasn't truly truly considered you her real bf that she worked for and doesn't want to lose. She probably just needs a wake-up call if this is the case and if wake up call isn't working, then you never really had her anyway. Approach this conversation with strength and confidence; more of a need to know because you only do things whole-heartedly rather than from any sort of insecurity!! You don't have to lie about your insecurities but steel yourself to WHY it matters that you have a right to know! Good luck
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I still feel like I'm not good enough for her in bed. I rather be on her mind than let her dwell on encounters with her past sexual partners. Women are not like that we move on. I focus on who I am with, not some guy in my past. Those feelings devolve and don't care about it anymore. Women go by who stimulates them emotionally more over physically.
bubbaganoosh Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 The problem she has is like the one I had. She wants answers and truth be told when and if she ever gets them, it won't be good enough. I went that route before and all she'll be doing is spinning her wheels. She needs to chalk it up and realize that if that dream was so good then why isn't she still with him. Another thing I would do is sit down with her and let her know your feelings about it and it can be done without a shouting match between the both of you. It's called communication and you can have all the great sex there is in a relationship but sooner or later you both have to get out of bed, get dressed and continue the relationship in the other rooms of the house and if you sit down and have a serious conversation and work it out, then you have a problem. Open your mouth and discuss it with her.
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) She claims she doesn't have the same feelings for him anymore and that she's over him and doesn't want to be with him. She is happy with me and wants to get married to me and everything too. She would like to have baby with me too. We did things sexually that she has never done before and it has been great. She says shes very happy with her sex life and want to do alot more things with me. But even after this she still says her last relationship was good and like a dream before the bad things happened. She says she needs therapy too. No one needs therapy. She is still getting over her ex and YOU dating her too soon didn't help. You should have waited, give her time to grieve and heal. As for you everyone gets anxiety when the relationship is new. We have our jealous insecurities because we can't stand the thought of them being with someone else....this too in time will pass. Telling her you can't handle these feelings is going to make her feel guilty and it's going to dampen this budding romance. If she needs to talk to someone about it, find her a family member or a friend she can talk to, to sort out her feelings. Edited April 5, 2015 by smackie9
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 How can I make sure? I need to know because this is driving me crazy. She claims shes over him emotionally but shes angry at the fact that she lost her baby and is traumatized about it. Shes angry at him too. But I need to know for sure so that I can continue and decide my own life. You can't. It's impossible to really know what another person is thinking. Relationships don't come with 100% security and certainty, ever. We can only trust what our partners say and do. I would not consider moving in with her yet. She needs more time to let go of this anger and get over him. As for dwelling on her past sexual encounters, did she say she is? Or are you dwelling on it?
kendahke Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I feel terrible knowing that she doesn't feel like that about me. I feel like im her second choice or something. That is because you are her rebound. You know from having played the role of "girlfriend" to her that her real desire is to get back her last relationship. You can't un-ring a bell: you can't un-hear what she said about him. This relationship isn't sustainable. You were friend-zoned then girl-friended by her first before you became romantic, so she never really saw you as someone who could best her ex. She needed more time alone to process out her ex and get to a place where she knew that yeah, her ex might have been good in some areas, but that doesn't mean she will never find better in someone else. That's the difference between someone who is resolved and done with their past relationship and someone who hasn't even begun that process. Guess where she is on that continuum?
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Just my opinion here and a different take on it but from the brief description of what happened in her previous RS I think she is still attempting to figure it out in her head. I don't think she wants that RS back but she hasn't yet figured it out. She sounds happy with you and if she is talking of moving in and future plans then she is ..happy. You may have got together a bit too quick - but you're in it now so you can only get on with what you have together. She isn't going to get any answers from her ex even if she talked to him and it's nothing that you can fathom out either. I do think she may well fell less left up in the air about it if she understood it. She has previously (before you dated) told you a fair bit about her ex so she actually feels comfortable musing over things (she is being honest and open with you - historically she was and she figures that if you had any insecurities that you wouldn't be with her now). From that brief description I would suggest getting her a book titled Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri. (I keep recommending this book on here - I have no links to it whatsoever but it's a superb read for knowing why things happened. It answered every single question I had about my ex). But be prepared that she will read things in there which will likely spark a conversation about things that happened to her in that RS. I believe she will see her ex in just about every page. But it is likely to give her the answers to the questions she has in her mind. If you are strong enough to have discussions with her then give the book a go. I would let go of your insecurities, I honestly think that she feels she can talk to you - which is a good thing.
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 That is because you are her rebound. Yay! someone finally said it!
Author swordsmen121 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) That is because you are her rebound. You know from having played the role of "girlfriend" to her that her real desire is to get back her last relationship. You can't un-ring a bell: you can't un-hear what she said about him. This relationship isn't sustainable. You were friend-zoned then girl-friended by her first before you became romantic, so she never really saw you as someone who could best her ex. She needed more time alone to process out her ex and get to a place where she knew that yeah, her ex might have been good in some areas, but that doesn't mean she will never find better in someone else. That's the difference between someone who is resolved and done with their past relationship and someone who hasn't even begun that process. Guess where she is on that continuum? I didn't become romantic with her on purpose because of many reasons at my end. She insisted we went out and spent more time together but I didn't again for many reasons at my end. I simply was not ready. In some ways, I friend-zoned her on purpose. Mistake on my end. Do I regret it? No because of what happens next: When we did decide to get romantic and serious she did many things with me that she didn't do with her ex. Over time, she made me meet her relatives....she made me meet her family....she made me meet her friends.....she did things with me sexually and that connection is something she never shared with someone (she always says shes more excited about doing things sexually with me because I bring something alot different to the table than people from her past). We tried alot of new things together...in bed and in public too There is so much more that we still look forward to experiencing together. She openly displayed her affection for me in public. She even let me meet her children and take them out to the park. Sometimes we have arguments like any other couple would and she even suggested to take couples therapy to rule out any kinks we have to better strengthen our communication NOT that it is any bad but like I said no relationship is perfect. All of these things she never did it with her ex ever. I did ask her if her if she misses her relationship or him in general or if she wants to be with him. She says no to everything. She says the sex was ok but nothing really special in general. She also says that she wants to keep everything in the past and live and experience the moment with me. The problem is that I'm really just insecure sometimes because I want to be the best I can for her in bed. I guess I have to be comfortable in my own skin and please her alot (not that I don't already) but frequent enough so she might not dwell on her past. Sometimes I make it out to be worse than I think it actually was. I did talk to a friend about it and he pretty much said that you have to sleep with her as many times as you can. You have to try new things with her that she never has before. Also you really have to please her so she replaces her old memory with something new and crazy that she has shared with me. I would of course have to learn to do all these things with confidence than from my insecurity. I don't want my insecurity showing as I'm doing all these things but through confidence and with a "I'm in control" attitude when it does come to sex. Edited April 11, 2015 by swordsmen121
Recommended Posts