Lady Logic Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Hello LS Community: I’m 2 days post-breakup. I know it’s over and I shouldn’t hold out hope. But in my effort to try to heal, I need somehelp in understanding what happened. I met a great guy and dated him for 4 months. From the beginning we agreed that because we both have busy lives, we’d need to be patient with schedules and take our time. We had a number of really terrific dates, and he would repeatedly tell me that he felt so lucky. We agreed not to get too physical too fast (though we certainly had fun in that department), because we didn’t want to mess things up by rushing things. He told all his friends he thought it was “the real thing.” Then suddenly a few weeks ago, he went quiet. When we finally connected, he told me that he was realizing that he’s afraid of commitment. He told me he cared about me, and he didn’t want to pull the wool over my eyes if he didn’t think he could go the distance. He is twice divorced, and the second ex did a number on him. At the time, he was also transitioning in his job, so I knew there was a lot going on to trouble him. I told him that I understood, that I care for him, and I thought we should continue to take our time. From there I heard from him only sporadically. After about 10 days of silence, I finally asked him if he had it in his heart anymore to continue. If so, I could be patient. He responded by first saying that he’d landed a new job that he expects to be very demanding, and he didn’t want to hold me back. I challenged that a bit because I have a very demanding job, too. Then he told me that he his heart never really went “pitter patter” for me. He added that an ex-girlfriend had recently come back into his life, and while he didn’t think it would really work out, he thought there might be something there. Still, he had already told this other woman that he’s about to take a big job and that she would need to be patient too. With that, I conceded that it was time to end the R. Before he hung up, he said several times that I can call him anytime, and he hopes that he can call me. I told him not to expect to hear from me – I can’t turn on a dime like that. He told me to think about it, and closed the conversation by saying “I’ll talk to you later.” So, I ask for your perspective, LS friends. I know I can’t change his heart and I intend to move on. But I guess my question is, did he ever really care for me? Was he pulling out all the stops with the excuses to push me away, or did I get played? Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Throldur Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Hello LS Community: I’m 2 days post-breakup. I know it’s over and I shouldn’t hold out hope. But in my effort to try to heal, I need somehelp in understanding what happened. I met a great guy and dated him for 4 months. From the beginning we agreed that because we both have busy lives, we’d need to be patient with schedules and take our time. We had a number of really terrific dates, and he would repeatedly tell me that he felt so lucky. We agreed not to get too physical too fast (though we certainly had fun in that department), because we didn’t want to mess things up by rushing things. He told all his friends he thought it was “the real thing.” Then suddenly a few weeks ago, he went quiet. When we finally connected, he told me that he was realizing that he’s afraid of commitment. He told me he cared about me, and he didn’t want to pull the wool over my eyes if he didn’t think he could go the distance. He is twice divorced, and the second ex did a number on him. At the time, he was also transitioning in his job, so I knew there was a lot going on to trouble him. I told him that I understood, that I care for him, and I thought we should continue to take our time. From there I heard from him only sporadically. After about 10 days of silence, I finally asked him if he had it in his heart anymore to continue. If so, I could be patient. He responded by first saying that he’d landed a new job that he expects to be very demanding, and he didn’t want to hold me back. I challenged that a bit because I have a very demanding job, too. Then he told me that he his heart never really went “pitter patter” for me. He added that an ex-girlfriend had recently come back into his life, and while he didn’t think it would really work out, he thought there might be something there. Still, he had already told this other woman that he’s about to take a big job and that she would need to be patient too. With that, I conceded that it was time to end the R. Before he hung up, he said several times that I can call him anytime, and he hopes that he can call me. I told him not to expect to hear from me – I can’t turn on a dime like that. He told me to think about it, and closed the conversation by saying “I’ll talk to you later.” So, I ask for your perspective, LS friends. I know I can’t change his heart and I intend to move on. But I guess my question is, did he ever really care for me? Was he pulling out all the stops with the excuses to push me away, or did I get played? Thanks in advance for your thoughts. I don't think he played you.. If he was playing you then I don't think he would have cared about getting too physical too fast. I think you are just victim of him getting into a relationship with someone else too fast without feelings really being finished with an ex who came back. He has to remain true to those feelings and see where they go. Just an unfortunate circumstance for you. Move on for now. Don't hold out hope for this guy. You might meet someone great in the mean-time. If it doesn't work out with him and his ex, well, then, it will be up to you to decide whether he is worth another shot after what he put you through. You'll make the right choice. 1
Hawaii51 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 You didn't get played or taken for; You got dated.. Take the good and the bad, and apply it to the next person seemingly deserving and appreciative of your love.
Author Lady Logic Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Thank you, Throldur and Hawaii51. You've both offered me wise counsel, and even though it really doesn't change anything, I'm relieved that you don't think I got played. One thing that I've appreciated -- and even thanked my ex for -- is that he has been willing to tell me what is going on. Even though I didn't like what I heard. Not gonna lie, though. My heart hurts. Having read a lot of posts on this site, I know I need to take some time to work through it. I think it's probably telling that even my ex said he didn't think this renewal of a relationship with the former girlfriend would work out. So Throldur, I appreciate your advice that in the midst of moving on, I need to think about what is best for me. Should he come around again. Love is hard.
BlackbirdSong Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I don't think you got played at all. I believe that he thought he was over his ex and she was never going to come back so he moved on (with you). However, when his ex did come back, he realized that he still did have feelings and he tried to spare your feelings by becoming distant. You did nothing wrong. Can't stop the feelings of someone's heart. 2
Author Lady Logic Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Thank you, BlackBirdSong. I really appreciate your sharing your views. I suspect that you are right.
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