Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Dreaming, WH is doing crazy things. You are being SO loving, bending over backwards in the past, and possibly now by even leaving the door open a crack. He just doesn't deserve the crack in the door. WH is being horribly abusive of your relationship and his relationship with T. ALL of that and the mountains you wouldn't have the time to post about is evidence of his massive abuse, negligence and full throttle entitlement that he's only ABLE to exercise whilst the door is open to your family. ALL this is NOT your fault. His issues etc etc. WH is not your responsibility. He is an adult. Not acting like a responsible adult nor likely to any time soon. I get what you want. You want the H and father for T that you thought WH was. For a long time, WH has not been that person. It's a very difficult situation for you to grapple with but you have to realize that this will probably go on for as long as YOU put up with it. It's the hardest thing on earth to lovingly close the door on a relationship that is harmful for you and T but the love you have needs to be redirected to you and T before your health worsens, while you still have a chance for a good life. It's not feeling black and white for you at the moment but for others looking on it seems very black and white. Ofcourse it's your choice. It's your life but this man is hampering your very lives by his behaviours. Certainly your mental health plus more. Your love and devotion for WH is just not being directed towards an even near worthy recipient. You and T ARE worthy recipients. Truly all this is sent with loving intent. It's completely up to you WHEN you decide "enough is enough". Serenity prayer. Lion Heart. I GET THAT. What I am saying is that I need to stop being MAD about it and just look at it and DEAL WITH IT. I mean it didn't get much clearer when last week he said to me, "You're lucky you had a husband who was willing to go to marital counseling with you." He was referring to me being lucky that he would go to the counseling. I just thought..... "what???????" He cheated. That's why we WENT to marital counseling. And he's telling me it's like some "big-ass favor" he did by showing up and going for it, the times he did show up? What? What in the Hell? Marital Counseling is to improve or at least reasonably dissolve a marriage. It isn't a FAVOR to the other person! The real thing was that after he cheated I was willing to go to MC instead of just divorcing him! And he treats it like he did me a favor!?!?!?!?!? It really made a whole bunch of sense after that. He thinks being married to me is a big favor TO ME. And it explains why he no-showed at MC three times but still thinks I should see that he "really cared because he showed up before that." He told me "look how many times I DID go." So he no-showed on the days that he was telling me that he wasn't "interested in doing me a favor." And, of course, after he ditched us in Edmonton, he offered up marital counseling. Now that makes sense. To him, it isn't "what can I do to fix this?" It's "what can I SAYYYYYY to 'make up' for this latest 'slight' so she won't harp at me and I don't have to feel guilty. I am tired of her reminding me of things I did. It makes me feel bad." So he said "marital counseling." He went online to book marital counseling. I saw: "Oh good, he gets that he needs to fix something here." He saw: "Thank God, now I get out of the dog house for a bit." Then, he let it lapse. They closed our file. And who got blamed for that? Me. Because he "suggested marital counseling." And wasn't that enough? **** me. I am so blind. So annoying. It really reminds me of being in my 20s, after years of my father completely ****ting on me, and he just acting all "boo-hoo" that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. And I said, "do you ever wonder why that is? I mean, I've told you, but do you really ever wonder?" And he said, "I don't know. Teenage rebellion I guess." NO> It was because he absolutely did ridiculous things to show that I didn't matter and that he would rather break my self-esteem than treat me like a human being, much less, his daughter. I can just see my husband treating a divorce like the "biggest mood swing" I ever had. Like, "I suggested marital counseling, I came home overnight, I made you dinner, and 'none of that was 'good enough'" So you must have left me because [there was someone else, you didn't like blonde hair anymore, I didn't make enough money, my back got hurt, you just didn't want to be married anymore and thought being divorced was more fun, you wanted our daughter all to yourself.]" OR whatever TOTAL BS excuse one could make up that makes the spouse sound totally effed in the head because there is no self-examination whatsoever. I have been avoiding hearing nasty, untrue comments about me, to me for years now. When I deal with it all and file, it will be for many more truthful reasons such as: 1. He won't problem-solve with me. I try EVERYTHING I can think of to engage him and problem-solve with him. Any agreements we make he doesn't stick to, because he says "by compromising, he loses something." Instead of looking at the long-term, where both people are making compromises to stay married and get their needs met. Instead of problem-solving he resorts to lying, blaming and sneaking. Basically ALL of the other complaints about his drinking, disappearing, treating me VERY poorly, not even listening to my feelings and everything else would eventually improve or disappear if he was willing to problem-solve and foster intimacy. Instead, he refuses to do any self-examination and just take off, cheat, drink, lie, explode and blame. That's the real reason it's over. Not because "I just didn't like the colour of his car or wanted a new life or whatever." But because doing a partnership with someone that thinks, "what's yours is ours but what's mine is mine" is impossible. The only one that loses constantly is me. 2
BetrayedH Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 She's just saying to get your ducks in a row. If you're venting and not doing that, then you're just enabling and you need a wallop upside the head. If you're venting and taking action that you just don't want to discuss here because he might be reading, then go ahead and vent away. But make no mistake, it's time to be done. Do I blame you for trying as hard as you have? No. You're not stupid. You're a woman that values marriage and hope (traits I admire). You've done as much as you could and 10x more than he deserved. The key now is that YOU know that one more cent of investment is wasted money. Worse yet, it's harmful to two women that don't deserve it. Whatever you gotta do, get it done. And when he calls like he did, handle it just like you did. 2
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 She's just saying to get your ducks in a row. If you're venting and not doing that, then you're just enabling and you need a wallop upside the head. If you're venting and taking action that you just don't want to discuss here because he might be reading, then go ahead and vent away. But make no mistake, it's time to be done. Do I blame you for trying as hard as you have? No. You're not stupid. You're a woman that values marriage and hope (traits I admire). You've done as much as you could and 10x more than he deserved. The key now is that YOU know that one more cent of investment is wasted money. Worse yet, it's harmful to two women that don't deserve it. Whatever you gotta do, get it done. And when he calls like he did, handle it just like you did. Thank you. And he emailed. His phone's not on connected to the network right now.....
BetrayedH Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Thank you. And he emailed. His phone's not on connected to the network right now..... Yeah, that's a real surprise. 2
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 Ironically, I think I left my phone at work. If he tried calling I can't waaaaaaiiiiiitttttt to hear how "irresponsible" I've been. You know, my irresponsibleness and all. My going to work and single-parenting and keeping my phone on and paying rent and going home at the end of the night and oops I forgot my phone so that does me in irresponsibleness. 1
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Ironically, I think I left my phone at work. If he tried calling I can't waaaaaaiiiiiitttttt to hear how "irresponsible" I've been. You know, my irresponsibleness and all. My going to work and single-parenting and keeping my phone on and paying rent and going home at the end of the night and oops I forgot my phone so that does me in irresponsibleness. I think you just made up a word: irresponsibleness. Time to start letting his nonsenseness roll off your back. 180 and detach. You've done enough, DoT. Really. 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 I think you just made up a word: irresponsibleness. Time to start letting his nonsenseness roll off your back. 180 and detach. You've done enough, DoT. Really. Ugh. I know. I am such a slow learner.
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Ugh. I know. I am such a slow learner. Nah. You just tried really hard, which is merited since you have a daughter hanging in the balance. But this is no longer good for her. It's no good for you. And frankly, giving him a place to crash is just softening the landing for him so he never really hits rock bottom (which is when addicts are ultimately forced to change) so I'm not sure you're doing him any favors either. 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 Nah. You just tried really hard, which is merited since you have a daughter hanging in the balance. But this is no longer good for her. It's no good for you. And frankly, giving him a place to crash is just softening the landing for him so he never really hits rock bottom (which is when addicts are ultimately forced to change) so I'm not sure you're doing him any favors either. For T and I, yes, it is unhealthy. But I don't think he will ever bottom. He has too many survival skills to do that. Doesn't need: -a job -a home -a family He always has a way to make money, get a roof over his head or he sleeps in the car and enough personality and online presence to always find companionship. I really don't think he will ever bottom. There's really no incentive to change. I had a friend much like him, she would just replace the company she had. And always had a lineup of people ready to do so. I cracked why that is: she always appeared thisclose to having her stuff together. Like she would "have it all together" if she just had a little help. In fact, it is the same thing that kept ME on the hook for years. I "had to help" her. And of course I "had to help" him because he's my husband for freaksakes. So many people over the years just want to help and help and help. It's even a pathology with some people and cultures (Re:Newfoundland). Some people who truly truly need help aren't able to get it because they can't figure out that one little key of just being "thisclose" to figuring it all out. People don't like helping "lost causes." My husband is a master of being "thisclose." When I was on the road when I was younger, I became a master at it too. Now that I have nothing to help him with. I can't give him money, he doesn't have his own room (practically his own floor complete with tv and internet) and he already has his own vehicle, I have become a liability as opposed to an asset. By coming here, he can sleep in the room that would have been ours in the bed he thinks is uncomfortable. He can probably still hear me snore. He can see our daughter, make some dinner, watch some tv when I am at work or after T is in bed. He can't drink here. So he "can't relax." There's no money to shell out. No extras of anything. There's a shower, but it is less convenient then renting a room on his own. It's boring. And he would have to wait until I am gone to work if he wants to watch any porn. And I look depressed half the time. A far cry from when the masses of people that come up to you day to day just want to help your poor broken soul. Like you are some kind of homeless rockstar. New people everywhere come up and chat with you, you hear stories, you tell stories. People are totally engaged. Not to mention that odds are, some girl by now got hooked on "helping him." etc. People give you their number all the freaking time. It just happens. They want to help. It's hard to bottom on anything if "everyone wants to help." I bottomed on living that lifestyle because it didn't feel right to me and I actually went home with one family that treated me like I was a cherished guest. Practically adopted me. With really, really good and great intent. They never knew who I really was even. It wrecked me, they would never know the truth about me and I never wanted them to find out. After that, I stopped going out and refused to ever go back to it. The hundred and thousands that came with all of that were nothing compared to the internal ruin I felt. But if you can rewrite your marriage and family everyday.....what's to stop you?
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 So he called to talk to T. Was very cold to me. T didn't want to talk. He was very emotional. Told him he could talk to me. He declined. I guess I thought he might, might trust me as his wife again at some point. Temporary blindness again. I will have to learn to fight that. He doesn't share his feelings with me. And who knows what he's grieving now. I doubt it has anything to do with me. Which is really what the whole damn thread is about. I overinvested in someone that made me feel really special. I tied so much into that. Like he reinforced this vision I had of myself: that I was smart and eventually someone would find me pretty and want me for the qualities that made me unique as a partner. I am not an attractive girl (by a long shot, PCOS helps with that). But I truly thought men's attractions worked the same way ours did. That when we find someone intriguing or kind or whatever that personality quirk we dig is, that they become physically attractive to us as well. At least, that's how it works for me. Not too many men were interested in me for how I looked, but plenty thought I was "marriable" or whatever. But I thought that my husband thought I was PRETTY and MARRIABLE. I thought I was finally special to someone. And really, truly I thought (and still think ) that he is still special. I really, really liked him and his uniqueness. In fact, often when I have thought about rebuilding my life with "someone new" I just see it pale out in comparison. Yes, we could have a house, a fence, 2.3 kids, but it wouldn't be really the same thing as having had our adventurous youth together, our first child together and all of the neat stuff that made us, us. It wouldn't be "us." It would be "me and 'Bob' and all of 'Bob's' baggage and 'Bob' has been a carpenter since 2003 and knows how to build houses and his ex lives at 123 Oak Tree Lane but they "grew apart" when she left with the gardener or whatever. And I met 'Bob' at some tepid coffee house or a Mormon singles dance where everything was flavored vanilla." And sure, 'Bob' is a great guy. If he even exists. But 'Bob' sure wonders about my past. And I don't seem all that pretty to 'Bob.' But he can see I've got some 'partner qualities.' And maybe we go to the same movie theatre every second Wednesday. And maybe 'Bob' likes steak. But he's 'Bob.' He might as well be made of cardboard to me mentally and emotionally right now. This sucks. All of this sucks ass so bad. I don't want 'Bob.' I don't want to be by myself. I just want my stupid old life back before all of this went to Hell. And it's not coming back ever. The person that shared a bed, a child and ten years with me is off sharing god-knows-what with god-knows-who and can't stay home more than a week. He's a ghost and it keeps ****ing haunting me. I HATE THIS.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 And.. won't make himself vulnerable to me by any stretch to share simple feelings with me. Doesn't walk to talk to me. I never feel so lonely as when I get rejected when I am trying to be even a little kind. ****. Do I ever feel dumb for capitulating at all.
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Well, you definitely have to stop comparing 'Bob' (who sounds gawd-awful boring) to your fantasy former spouse or you're never gonna accept the reality that your current husband is a class A louse. Do you think you can fix him or something? Some women really do have that nurturing thing.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 Well, you definitely have to stop comparing 'Bob' (who sounds gawd-awful boring) to your fantasy former spouse or you're never gonna accept the reality that your current husband is a class A louse. Do you think you can fix him or something? Some women really do have that nurturing thing. I really have no choice here. He won't talk to me. He won't be around here and he's telling T he's not coming back and can't tell her why. There's no choice at all anymore. Ironically, for years I kinda thought I had one. I guess I never did. He's just going to disappear on his own terms and leave a mess in his wake. She completely didn't understand what was going on there for him. She's excited because she has a Christmas plate she can give him. It really sounded like it was a goodbye phone call from what she told me. WTF? Seriously. Bad enough he pulled this stuff on me for years. The taking off and goodbyes. But that's just unfair to a five year-old who's been expecting to see her Dad again all week. I am done posting here (in my thread). Period. There's just too much vulnerability in all of this potentially being read. I can't believe this ****. I just can't believe it anymore. Like, he wouldn't even talk to me at all. He leaves for another week and can't even ask how the **** I am doing? Or even just say, like "this isn't about you [wife] I really screwed up here." None of that. Just "let me talk to T" and won't respond to me. I'm not dog ****. So sick of being treated like I don't even exist. ****ing lame.
kenmore Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Wha? But trying not to be blindingly angry and doing what has to get done, I am enabling? WTF LH? Yep, she's right DOT. I can't fix or change anything with someone that doesn't want to and is, well, limited in his scope. I can't change his scope and he won't go and get the help to do so. Big-ass brick wall there. Yep, you're right DOT. Hey my friend and ally, here's the bottom line. You know it and have denied it. He's hurting T and you. He's doing what he wants, you are pining for him, your past and lost love. You need to get on track for your real future. I get you are trying to protect T from his crap, but you can't. She already knows what's going on, Hell, she's five! She already knows more than some people will ever know about love. Too much, really. Don't fool yourself that somehow you are protecting her from the pain and I know you really want to, but reality is reality every day and she will have to live it. He's not going to be a stable good father figure and you should be happy about the fact that he's gone! Just this month (okay, back to me again lol!) I was working on a commercial client. I had made a good connection. I walked in twice, spoke with the woman who makes decisions and she asked me to call back. I emailed and went there again. The second time she wasn't there but I met with the boss and advised him for 20 min about a personal insurance issue going on with him, and he ASKED me to contact them and I did. I emailed the lady again, and she replied by asking me to call her again yesterday so I did. She was suddenly harsh and cold, but said to email her boss and her, so I did and with a very cordial response. I asked about his daughter and how his case is going. So today, I got not one but two responses, both from the boss. first one telling me sorry, we're set, and you would be better off spending your time elsewhere (which was hurtful enough), but he sent another two hours later (mind you I did not respond to his first email) saying they are happy with their current insurer and we need to part ways now, and that I would expect the same from my long term clients. So now not only is he telling me to bug off and how I should be spending my time, but he's telling me how to f*cking feel! I'll tell you how i feel, I feel like sticking a rod up his ass and asking him how that feels. I was so pissed! Long term clients? he's not even a client! He's a dick. Anyway, after spending hours angry at him and "getting over it", it dawned on me: you know what? I'm so much better off without this anal retentive bipolar assh*le being my customer, he did me a huge favor! Which brings us back around to you. Do you get my drift? Sure T would be better off with a stable loving father figure, but if he is not going to be that, she is likely better off without altogether! Please don't hate on me for saying that, and it is harsh, but there's an element of truth in it. I had to go through that with my wife. No children of mine involved, but hers is definitely going to feel hurt someday. Besides all that, I'm better off without someone in my life to spend their time hurting me and taking away my positive power. Love and marriage is so wonderful when it's appreciated and fulfilled, but when it's not, it's better left. Let him go! Ken
Author dreamingoftigers Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I am doing okay. My birthday is this week. I'll do an update later. 6
Furious Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I am doing okay. My birthday is this week. I'll do an update later. Happy birthday DOT.:love: 3
understand50 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I am doing okay. My birthday is this week. I'll do an update later. Happy Birthday......... 2007 1
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 On your birthday, go get a massage, pedicure and manicure! 1
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