Minnie09 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Good for you. Can you get a sitter for T, and then have the conversation with him while she's away? And him getting his stuff while she's away? You can then discuss it with her in a child-friendly manner. Just the two of you. I don't recommend him being present. I knew you would be happier without him. He just doesn't seem to get it. 1
pteromom Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Me waiting around for someone like this to make a plan would be foolish. Even more so after being treated like crap. So my plan is this: gather up his stuff, (because he won't, he'll just take off) and ask him to go. I don't know how to deal with it with T though. Sounds good. How old is T?
81West Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 "He just "popped back." With pizza. Because pizza is what you bring when you are absent for 7 weeks. Roses are for general apologies. But pizza, you know **** just got real." This REALLY made me laugh. DoT, open your life to somebody worthy of you. Aim high, 'cause that's where he'll be. 2
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Sounds good. How old is T? She's five.
kenmore Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I'm happier without him...This morning, rude again. He's rude a lot. There's more to it than that. Just his overall attitude. Like "Stop bugging me and acting like you don't trust me. I haven't done anything you can prove yet. Just be grateful I even came back. I asked you to lunch two days ago. See, I care." So that's him now. That's who he is. Hi Dot, I am finally starting to see the reality in her personality too. Rude, very rude and when I pointed it out this morning, her response was "I'm rude because you're lazy". I just spent two days straight moving tons of furniture to a storage unit all by myself, and getting almost all of my belongings out of her house (with a broken finger) and I'm lazy. I even went out of my way to move everything that's left onto shelves in the garage so she and her daughter can park in it, and I'm lazy. Looking back, she was always like this, just not to me. Usually I understood her feelings about someone or some organization, but now it's obvious she just hates everyone who is not her. I was blinded by love, and knowing that is a relief. I guess I deserve what I'm getting now. Yeah, be happier alone. That doesn't mean you must remain alone if you don't want to, but be happier without him. I'm glad we're starting to see the truth! Hugs! Ken 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Hi Dot, I am finally starting to see the reality in her personality too. Rude, very rude and when I pointed it out this morning, her response was "I'm rude because you're lazy". I just spent two days straight moving tons of furniture to a storage unit all by myself, and getting almost all of my belongings out of her house (with a broken finger) and I'm lazy. I even went out of my way to move everything that's left onto shelves in the garage so she and her daughter can park in it, and I'm lazy. Looking back, she was always like this, just not to me. Usually I understood her feelings about someone or some organization, but now it's obvious she just hates everyone who is not her. I was blinded by love, and knowing that is a relief. I guess I deserve what I'm getting now. Yeah, be happier alone. That doesn't mean you must remain alone if you don't want to, but be happier without him. I'm glad we're starting to see the truth! Hugs! Ken It's not about being happier without him per se. I am just happier without hearing stuff like "Well at least someone is listening" said to my daughter when neither T nor I could figure something out and he wanted us to bring it to him even though he's the one that changed the setting. I was listening. I did try to fix it. I got frustrated that he wouldn't come help. It was still a vast improvement over being called "f****** B****" Anyhow, he came home. I was tense a lot. Little grumpy. But overall kinda better. We watched some TV. He helped clean up. He invited me out a few times. I had to turn down some because of work etc. Then the night came where I was sad. This is very crucial. That never works out. He started telling me how I "never this" and "always that" and how he hates how I am "so persistent." So I told him I hate how he can just "take it or leave it" how he can "just leave." And so to greatly reassure me right after apologizing for everything he had put me through, he left again saying "he couldn't take the criticism." I lost it. I have just gotten so sick of it all. The total BS and everything else that comes with it. I started texting him. If someone wants me to post the convo I will.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 DOT, So he is gone? Still in touch? Gone. And not in touch. I went to counseling today and learned a little bit more about my own culpability in this situation. By not effectively creating and enforcing my own boundaries, I essentially just showed him that he can "do whatever he wants" and if he does so, I just turn into a nag and get emotional and resentful etc. so he just disappears again until I "calm down." It makes the issue about me "being upset" instead of him disappearing or any of his addictive stuff. Makes sense. He says stuff like he "hates how persistent I am" and "I'm too emotional."
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 Gone. And not in touch. I went to counseling today and learned a little bit more about my own culpability in this situation. By not effectively creating and enforcing my own boundaries, I essentially just showed him that he can "do whatever he wants" and if he does so, I just turn into a nag and get emotional and resentful etc. so he just disappears again until I "calm down." It makes the issue about me "being upset" instead of him disappearing or any of his addictive stuff. Makes sense. He says stuff like he "hates how persistent I am" and "I'm too emotional." I know why I had my reasons for wanting to preserve the marriage. I searched really long and hard for options etc. I knew that in order to save it we would need a lot of therapy and etc. I was willing to do that. I can see now that he tells me he wants to etc. Then he waffles back and forth. It's CAKE. It doesn't get any simpler than that. We as humans often have trouble picking the best options for ourselves. Picking one option closes the doors on many others. Most of us realize that we have to pick our options and work on them to have any level of success. For instance, you probably aren't going to be a Doctor & a Lawyer at the same time. We are finite beings with a finite amount of time and chance for success, so we pick either the medical or law field. Try doing both at once and the chances you will fail both increase dramatically. Or the rest of your life becomes imbalanced. We can be either married or single. Doing both is...well.... the stuff Loveshack is made of. My husband doesn't just want the option of being married with all of the struggles and elations that come with that. So much like the Doctor/lawyer who ends up working at McDonald's. The marriage doesn't look the best for sure. It's depressing. It has had a semi-truck of adultery, addiction and abuse to contend with. It means giving up a whole other life-option of cheating/drinking/panhandling/?. And if the primary way you feel high and balanced is by cheating/drinking/panhandling/? you aren't about to give that up for something that looks depressing. "The option is no fun. I tried for five days, you were still depressing and you criticized me for leaving for seven weeks." Yeah, duh. Like most things that are non-addictive and make you feel good in life (ESPECIALLY RELATIONSHIPS) they require more investment. I mean for us to break even.... sheesh... But with the two of our personalities, it would have been amazing to get past the "break-even" point. Really amazing, for both of us I think. The sex, the intimacy, the friendship, the careers, the housing, the parenting we could have had together if he was willing to invest more than half-assed and be honest with me... .WOW. We would have easily been millionaires by now. Easily in this city. And that would have just been the icing on the cake. I wanted to take care of the marriage first before tackling the other personal issues I have, like my weight. It was way too much trying to multi-task that, I can assure everyone. When you feel like you have to babysit your bank accounts, and every inch of your house, check on on your spouse's loyalty on a constant basis and pray he doesn't leave you in a lurch again and again and again. You are just too damn tired. So frigging tired. Turns out I have a medical condition. Should have been watching that too. Should have watched out for myself first. Because I didn't use him I figured he wouldn't just use me. One time he said to me "why should I watch out for someone who won't watch out for themselves." Um, because we are MARRIED. In theory, by watching out for me, you watch out for you too. Because we are supposed to care about each other, not find each other's weaknesses and exploit them. I guess if we read each other by how we ourselves are, it explains why he figured I was looking for his weaknesses to exploit them. I wasn't. But whatever. I think for some reason that would just make him angrier. Like on top of everything else, he now "has to feel guilty" that I wasn't trying to hurt him like predicted. One time, he had complained about the state of the house. It was my birthday. So I said, "let's clean it together today then" (it was a day off) he got lividly pissed."Why would we clean the house on your birthday?" I said, "because it's bothering you, you'll feel better." He said was so mad: "You have to act like you are a ****ing saint." I got kind of mad back, "maybe it isn't an act. Maybe I am a ****ing saint." But it wasn't about that. It wasn't a big deal to me cleaning the house together even though it was my birthday. I would have liked us to have something where we both felt good. Having a clean house was good. Spending time together was good. No one would have been forcing me, I volunteered it. I just liked spending time with him. A lot of my greatest hurts were the really nice times we could have had, that I foolishly put towards computer games and he spent investing toward everything else but us. **** it all. I guess it's pretty damn sad that someone I was with for ten years and had a baby with didn't want to "watch out for me." And somehow felt my greatest agenda was to trap his ass like a huntsman in heat. Yeah, I wanted to be married. I was married. He married me. That came with a certain set of expectations. A sense of "hey I belong to someone and I'll be there through thick and thin." Even when he outright abandons us, I still think, "what can I do to be a good wife, I know he isn't thinking too clearly and he has this screwed-up template from childhood. What can I do here?" Even if it halfway kills me. Even if I am so so so sad. And hurting and periodically angry. It's always, "what can I do to show him I still care no matter how bad things have gotten. What can I do, despite this addiction disease, and every other thankless thing to show I still care?" If he would have been serious about going and made the steps to go, I would have taken it seriously. But he doesn't. He half-ass goes and rubs it in my face. I even drove him to a rental once, years ago. Who the **** does that? What betrayed spouse drives their WS to a new rental to look at? What a slap in the face. And I did it. To myself. To show my support for him etc. Even though it hurt like Hell. And of course he couldn't figure out why. And it is thankless. Finally, yesterday, I went for a small walk wishing I had a new life. Then I realized: I do have a new life, whether I want it or not. Then I realized that I didn't have to answer to being a wife at all anymore. He isn't even around. What expectation should he reasonably have of me? None. No one should expect to leave all the damn time and just enter back into the family home as they please. How did I ever come to accept that as the norm? He isn't here. He is here intermittently and that goes against the higher calling of being a good Mom, so I have to reset that boundary. I don't owe him an accounting of my time and efforts if he is gone. He had the nerve to call me a "responsible parent" with a bunch of snark attached to it. I actually don't owe him an accounting of my parenting either. He isn't here to do his co-parenting part. He doesn't get to rip me down over what I do when he isn't even around for the job. I don't owe him a clear workplace spreadsheet. I don't owe him anything at all actually. I owe a lot to myself and my daughter. He doesn't have any special rights here because he doesn't fulfill any of the responsibilities that come with the rights. That's the important part. He wants to not be responsible to us at all and then claim all of the rights that come with it. Wants to keep the option open without feeling any of the guilt, examining any of his behaviour and claiming entitlement to whatever position he claims. He wants to be here = " I am allowed to be here. I am her father and your husband." He wants to not be here = "I can't take your criticism anymore. You are too persistent." In one way, he claims the entitlement without the responsibility. In the other he abdicates the responsibility because it is my fault. And don't think for two second this man isn't beyond critical of me, and well, everyone around him. I am constantly hearing judgments about people that have poor behaviour. But frankly, his tends to be much worse and he can't see it! I am sure in his mind that he hasn't abandoned his child. That he "had to leave because his wife made it too hard and the system and the emotional hardship and the blah blah blah blah......" A thousand excuses of obstacles put in his way. Yet, I am still here, taking care of her. I didn't up and leave after being cheated on, disappeared on, criticized calling TONS of names, (yes I namecalled back on occasion. But his I swear was systematic.) Dealing with the financial strain of going back and forth between 1.5 incomes and 1. And 1.5 wasn't enough to make it on anyhow. Pulling ninja moves out of my arse to try to balance getting our basic needs met and trying to maintain a bond with him, while I knew that he was suffering from whatever demon of his had him by the balls. Every obstacle to having a family I said, "okay, let's work through this. Let's try these talks. Let's try counseling. Let's try everything, everything, everything. Don't just crumble. Don't just let the addiction or the crappy childhood or whatever whatever come between us. Let's fix this. Let's both be healthy and happy. Even if we split up, let's do this the healthy way. But nothing was ever good enough. He no-showed on counseling. (again blaming me. Like I threw the Great Wall of China in between him and counseling or honesty for that matter.) He no-showed on half of our summer. Wouldn't arrange date nights. God the list goes on and on. Every complaint I made was met with the fact that I was complaining. The constant complaint that I was "too negative and complaining all the time." He DTs in our basement for days at a time, pissed at Hell over any interruptions and my "not being understanding" while I am trying to scrape together rent and utility money etc. Are you ****ing serious? And yet, the real problem here. The serious problem, as much as I can hold him to account for the bull**** he did and DOES(!) is that somewhere in all of this I kept thinking to myself, if only he would stay home we could work this all out. WE could work this all out!? WTF was wrong with me!? It's like I channeled my mother. She lived with a crazy drunk for 30+ years, so why not? Ironically SHE COULD reason with my Dad. My father, who was completely unreasonable to everyone else, she could get whatever her way was. Honestly, despite the fact that he is a total narc, and did cheat on her, I think he actually does love her. As retardedly profoundly retarded as he is, I think he does love my Mom. I don't think the same about my husband. He shows me in so many ways he "can't handle it and doesn't want to be married anymore." In all of the ways except for the ones that show real commitment to an exit. In fact, a bunch of his stuff is still here. He even has his shredded tire rim in the yard. Except for the main items that he hides in his car. He was packed for anything all last summer. He would go off to hotel rooms at the drop of a hat. If a refugee situation happened in North Calgary, he would be the first one down by a river with a tent. And not because he was a boy scout. By why in the world should anyone expect to see a commitment from him of any sort. He doesn't commit to being married. He doesn't commit to being unmarried. He doesn't commit to jobs, school, routines, order, common sense. Why should he commit to leaving? Starting over etc. He can really put the work in, in the beginning when something is fresh, new and exciting. I am sure that if he is cheating on me right now, the other woman is so amazed that he had such a "horrible, ungrateful wife who is such a terrible mother." I am sure that the Sun shines out his ass and the sex would be beyond the moon. Because it's new and fun. And what's the point of doing anything if it isn't new and fun? So why commit to closing off a relationship? Why commit to working on one either? Either way, it isn't "new and fun" and it's "work." Screw that. "I'll let the wife figure it out. Then it's on her if she decides to end things." After years of trying to empathize with him feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, put upon, "having his privacy invaded" and now trying to empathize with my poor kid missing her Dad and asking questions like "are you going to leave too Mommy? Is Daddy not here because he doesn't love me anymore?" I realize the only person I didn't empathize with was myself. I didn't take the time out to say, "Holy crap, you got a **** deal here. This wasn't normal. This wasn't what it was supposed to be like and it's really lonely. You couldn't have expected yourself to be perfect in light of this. You didn't have to expect yourself to fix a marriage to someone that showed so little regard for you. You didn't have to try to smile and eat those **** sandwiches. It was okay that you lost your patience a lot. You didn't have much to work with. You barely had any support and you thought you were to blame. Yes, that's pretty depressing. You did your best and went further than anyone you know. Sometimes that's all you can do. You did know the risk and right now, it is not your fault or responsibility that your husband's disease, which was long-present before you ever came along, is now rapidly-turning him into a stereo-type and statistic. It wasn't you. You tried everything that you had access to. You risked everything including your health, and it didn't work. You did everything that you could do. The fact that it was not enough does not mean that you fell short. You can let go and live your life now. You can be free of the pain and the guilt. It wasn't up to you to save him. You knew he wasn't going to save himself. You knew that he wasn't even at a point where he could see the effects of what he was doing or why this was happening to him. You still tried. You tried because you cared and that's not a bad thing. But don't lost yourself because you couldn't develop super-powers that made everything alright again." "When the inevitable happens, don't blame yourself. It was the inevitable." "You will find something better to do than beating yourself up over not being able to climb and unscalable wall. You will find something better to do than losing afternoons and evenings to grief and hope and more grief. You will find something better to do than scream frustrations at a man who is situationally deaf." 4
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 So now what the Hell do I do with all of this free time? It's kind of overwhelming in itself.
BetrayedH Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 So now what the Hell do I do with all of this free time? It's kind of overwhelming in itself. Lol. Spend it with your attorney, my dear. 6
lgspot Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 So now what the Hell do I do with all of this free time? It's kind of overwhelming in itself. SPEND SOME OF THAT TIME JUST FOR YOU!!!! Whatever guilty pleasure you've been missing... Time for DOT!!! You didn't take him to raise. T deserves a father. Not an aging "brother" stuck in some time warp of selfishness. Do something today just for dreamingoftigers that puts a smile on your face. Then sign back in here and tell us about it. 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 And no - don't go out and get laid. The fantasy of what that would feel like is much better than the reality. However - it is OK to go out and buy some interesting toys and get reacquainted with your body and perhaps learn some new things about yourself. I was going to respond to this before. I am not going to "go get laid." I have been scared for years that I would "crack" as soon as/if/when things fell apart. Like all of a sudden, I would be like, "hey I don't have to have sex withheld from me anymore so I can have more traffic than a Tim Horton's drive-thru if I want." Yuck, actually. Truth is, it isn't really on my mind as much as I thought it would be. The desire just kind of "tapered off......" I have a lot of things to do and take care of. Whereas, no, no one is here to "hold me to account" I do want a real relationship with real intimacy. I think that if I were to "pollute the waters" that later on I would have to either be dishonest about my post-marital activities (not willing to do that, because it is cheap and a BS way to trap someone in a relationship) or I would have to settle for a potential other sexual addict, and frankly, that rodeo is not very much fun and there isn't much sex! 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 SPEND SOME OF THAT TIME JUST FOR YOU!!!! Whatever guilty pleasure you've been missing... Time for DOT!!! You didn't take him to raise. T deserves a father. Not an aging "brother" stuck in some time warp of selfishness. Do something today just for dreamingoftigers that puts a smile on your face. Then sign back in here and tell us about it. That's so weird. That's how I felt about my Dad growing up. Like he was just my older brother that just demanded ALL of Mom's attention. And my husband talks to ME like he expects a mother. Barf. I wanted a husband who stood up for himself and was honest about who he was and knew what he wanted. And frankly, not having what he wants change every 10 minutes or the second something with a nicer ass walked by. I have NO IDEA why he expects me to act like a mother to him. Did I really seem that interested in cleaning up after him when we met? No. I think a lot of the shift happened when I got pregnant. Like somehow I was supposed to turn into the whole family's "Mommy." I don't get the majority of this at all other than knowing there's something ****ed when you say, "hey, pull your half already, you aren't doing it!" And they come back with, "You always complain, why can't you just deal with it? You are just trying to make me feel bad!" No, I am telling you that I feel bad. I am ****ing tired of doing more than my share and you not having the courtesy to make a real plan WITH ME that you STICK TO and not BLAME on me. The last day of our move from the old place to here, I asked him to sort OUR BEDROOM with me. The whole thing was almost like "why do we have to do this?" WTF? Seriously? I kind of think it MUST BE childhood patterning. Like when we were both kids, our parents leaned on us to stabilize them emotionally. I was always trying to make Mom and Dad feel better. I am willing to bet with his crazy Mom it was the same and he could never do it. (Because you can never get anything "right" with her). So now that he's an adult, it's all like "why can't everyone else just deal with my ****ty decisions?" "Why are you expecting stuff from me?" And when I feel bad, he just shuts down, tells me how it's all about "right and wrong" and how he "never gets it right." ****. Just seriously. ****. Every time he's hugged me and let me cry a little, it goes away fast. Been explained, like 50,000 times. Yet somehow I should never expect anything better. **** it all. BTW, I thought about it way more. I think he did another cheat (physical) when I was pregnant. All of a sudden he wanted head differently then how we did it for 3-4 years. And there was another woman that popped by our house (she was really screwed up) and he was really heartbroken when she left. Then last year she died in a fire. I left the two of them alone. Was I ****ing retarded? I was even concerned about it then and he knew how to reassure me back then. Last year sometime I found condoms, but he was also making his own sex stuff with them too. So who the Hell knows. He tells me that "even if" he didn't find that one girl attractive at all. I mean, she would get drunk and puke in the sink and piss the bed (his words). Apparently she also reminded him a lot of his biological mother. So IDK. It all sucks. I'll never know the truth. I'm just ****ing furious with myself for wasting so much time trying to fix stuff with someone who just leaves so easily. I wonder when I will have a good relationship with someone who I can trust. Instead of someone who seems freaking perfect to me and then turns out to be lying to me from the getgo. I was so broken up when I found out the truth about him and I hate how he treated me like being hurt by it was just some ****ing act or manipulation point to "make him feel bad." I felt bad. He seemed to be indifferent. Except when he was mad about me "trying to make him feel bad." Near the end months it seemed like he felt more like guilt for putting me through crap. I even thought we were getting somewhere. Like he realized that I actually DID feel hurt and bad and it wasn't just "dramatics" or whatever-the-****. Or just noise. But then right after that, he's been gone. My daughter has tried phoning him, I've tried emailing. His phone has been off and he's not responding to email. I am not ****ing retarded. In the last eight weeks he's been less and less communicative and he's given me chump excuses like he "reinjured his back and he was sick." Like WTF, he hasn't seemed particularly more injured or sick any time that I've seen him. He's also able to pretty ****ing casually walk out that door to SOMEWHERE. So really, either he has a place (possibly, which explains the NO MONEY coming our way), he has a girlfriend (totally possible, given his ability to now not talk to our daughter and just be so casual about coming and going) or he's living in his car like he says (well, he better not be driving too far because his plates are expired and he's on a spare tire.) My money's on: he hasn't left the city and he's connecting socially somewhere that he isn't letting me know about. If it's a chick, well, duh. And really, when you care as much as he does, why not? Piss me off. What the **** was the point of trying to be a decent spouse? I almost wonder if these cheating/screwover types have the right idea. Just bail the second it's not fun anymore. Then leave the clean-up to everyone else. 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 Erg. Just another piece of all of this. Often when I would file a complaint about the marriage, he would say things like "I've tried leaving lots of times and you won't let me or I told you I didn't want this anymore." Well, then, either go through a healthy separation process or DON'T! Don't just sit there whining about how rough it is that if you come home day after day you are filling the people in that home with the false belief that you might actually want to be there! It was just such a cop-out. If he wanted out, he knew how to leave and stay gone. It's not like he didn't leave 10,000 times! And if he wanted to stay, he knew the price of admission was to try and work on things. WTF. So basic. Instead, he used our home like a crash pad and acted like I should be so grateful that he even took the time out of his busy schedule to show up. Like, was he thinking I was saying, "yeah sure, come home, I'll do your laundry and you can cheat on me in the basement. Just make me some false promises." ???? My God. Has this ever sunk my expectation of a marriage. If I date a guy who just "ducks out to go to the store" and comes back, in under an hour for that matter, I am going to think he's a Knight! 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 I am just so annoyed. I need to get off of LS and stop complaining here. ARG. It just gets me more riled. I just still can't believe that someone who pledged to love me can just treat me with so little regard AND act like it's because I am some kind of evil. **** that pisses me off so bad. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I can understand why you might be thinking of leaving here but please do check in, people here really care about you and want to support you, you have been though so much and it's all so hard. 5
lgspot Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I almost wonder if these cheating/screwover types have the right idea. Just bail the second it's not fun anymore. Then leave the clean-up to everyone else. You're not built that way dot. You are a giver and instinct is to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.... Your guy likes THAT lifestyle he's living and you aren't THAT lifestyle. Question is will he change???? Its not about you.... Be gentle with yourself. Has this ever sunk my expectation of a marriage. If I date a guy who just "ducks out to go to the store" and comes back, in under an hour for that matter, I am going to think he's a Knight! Just be careful of Knights in "too shiny" armor. lol There's a lot of them out there. OLD is full of em....
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 You're not built that way dot. You are a giver and instinct is to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.... Your guy likes THAT lifestyle he's living and you aren't THAT lifestyle. Question is will he change???? Its not about you.... Be gentle with yourself. Just be careful of Knights in "too shiny" armor. lol There's a lot of them out there. OLD is full of em.... Yay, I'm not built like a total, manipulating narcissist. Yay. Even when I advertised my business, some of the manipulative marketing suggestions bothered me. I don't like a lot of "flashy" things that a lot of people swarm to. I doubt he will change. Nothing in six years suggests that and WHERE IS HE NOW? Really. He isn't talking to his kid and his phone isn't even on. So yeah, will he change? Not unless change is delivered to him on a silver platter with no discomfort whatsoever and served with some indulgence on the side. Not usually how one changes. I don't want a frigging "Knight" right now. Or any guy. Screw all of that. I just went through ten years of that. I know the risk and the only kind of "Knight" I would end up getting together with would be a Dork in Tin Foil. First of all, I have a daughter. SHE NEEDS twice my attention right now because she's getting none from her Dad. There's no way I would backseat her for stupid dating right now. Or ever really, I wouldn't backseat her period. She's having a hard time. My sexlife can wait. Why not? It's been waiting for years, it can wait a little longer. Or I can at least keep it on the DL instead of making it a "search for the Knight" thing. Second of all, there's no divorce filed, so it would be someone who would accept that. Not cool. Third of all, I am emotionally messy right now. I haven't even officially "gotten out of this" yet. His stuff is still here. Granted I have started organizing the bedroom. But really. None of this smacks of "ready to date." I haven't even adjusted to "husband has his damn phone off and is absentee." Yeah, no. So given that I am emotionally messy right now, not closed the chapter on the marriage and my kid needs full everything.......the only kind of person that would a) accept that and b) be someone that I could allow would not be a serious person and would probably be a total mess too. Sorry, I don't want to keep coming to Loveshack for my relationships. And screw OLD. I think that was a terrible dating idea a lot of the time. I started dating right when OLD was coming out and I thought it was a really bad idea then. Just like the personals. If you can't meet someone and garner first impressions of them first and foremost, it is like you start writing this monologue in your head about what they will be like and then it is hard to break when you meet the person. You could be setting yourself for buying into a totally fake profile. Granted people can be fake in real life, but I think you have a much better chance of getting the real deal if you meet in person. Maybe I am too old school. Who knows. 1
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 I am so pissed off. I didn't get pregnant out of wedlock. I waited a long time before I met my husband to have full-on sex after converting to Christianity. I finished my damn high school etc. etc. etc. I got married. We had time in between marriage and our kid. And meanwhile, people who made the completely opposite, seemingly upside-down choices have better relationships etc. Frustrating. 1
BC1980 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 So now what the Hell do I do with all of this free time? It's kind of overwhelming in itself. I think you should take care of yourself. It seems like you have been pulling the weight in the marriage for far too long. You said you have sacrificed your health because you have to keep tabs on your husband. I can see why you are exhausted. It doesn't look like he has sacrificed too terribly much. He comes and goes as he pleases, and he blames you for his decisions. He doesn't want to meet you halfway. 2
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 I think you should take care of yourself. It seems like you have been pulling the weight in the marriage for far too long. You said you have sacrificed your health because you have to keep tabs on your husband. I can see why you are exhausted. It doesn't look like he has sacrificed too terribly much. He comes and goes as he pleases, and he blames you for his decisions. He doesn't want to meet you halfway. Man, I've got to let this anger go. I have been so angry about what is happening with our kid. It is almost blinding me to the stuff I have to do. I have already started taking decent care of myself and don't intend for that to slow or cease. Truth is, I have got to get off here for a bit and refocus. Venting on here can be therapeutic, but only in small doses and sometimes I just hang..... The truth is, I get that my husband simply does not understand on an emotional level most of the implications that go along with this whole thing. He simply doesn't. There is no eloquent phrasing, books, charts, musical numbers or TV movies by motivational speakers that will ever explain any of this to him in a way that he could really put himself in our shoes. I know this from my own perception of where I was about 10 years ago, and he shows all of the signs of being about there. NO ONE could have talked to me to "enlighten me." So what I really have to work through is all of this resentment that is getting in the way of self-care and T-care. It just is what it is. I am sure that neither one of us wanted our lives to look like this ten years ago. And I am pretty sure that he may or may not see a problem but isn't up to figuring it out right now anyway. I can't do anything about that. I can't change who he is or his choices. And I can't keep this up either. ANd I can't keep focusing on being pissed off or depressed about it. I really have to get off of here and just put all of that towards T and I. All of the empathy and support is A-1, top-notch. I have also read enough threads through the years to see what works and what doesn't. I simply need to move forward. I can't compromise T and my future over a fantasy that he'll just "up and become the husband and father I hoped that he was." Or that if I work hard enough, long enough he'll recognize my efforts. I don't even know how much he can see of me to begin with. It's frustrating. I've wanted to be seen and appreciated my whole life by a partner. And like a frustrating ballad-story-of-my-life I picked someone who sees my greatest efforts as a big ploy to trap him and get him to live some half-baked life where he does my chores or something. IDK. I don't get it. I never even used to be big on cleaning up until he made a big thing about it and then he wanted to run a cleaning business. Then I saw other people's homes and was like, "hmm, there's something to this." He made more of a big deal about the house. IDK. IDK a lot of stuff I guess. Just that explaining stuff to him is just counter-productive. He sees it as criticism and I can't help but feel unheard (thus unloved) and he thinks it's a-okay to be half-in, half-out and that's it's up to me to be "good enough" to make him want to be all-in. And I don't think anyone could be capable of that, nor should be really. 1
Lion Heart Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Man, I've got to let this anger go. I have been so angry about what is happening with our kid. It is almost blinding me to the stuff I have to do. I have already started taking decent care of myself and don't intend for that to slow or cease. Truth is, I have got to get off here for a bit and refocus. Venting on here can be therapeutic, but only in small doses and sometimes I just hang..... The truth is, I get that my husband simply does not understand on an emotional level most of the implications that go along with this whole thing. He simply doesn't. There is no eloquent phrasing, books, charts, musical numbers or TV movies by motivational speakers that will ever explain any of this to him in a way that he could really put himself in our shoes. I know this from my own perception of where I was about 10 years ago, and he shows all of the signs of being about there. NO ONE could have talked to me to "enlighten me." So what I really have to work through is all of this resentment that is getting in the way of self-care and T-care. It just is what it is. I am sure that neither one of us wanted our lives to look like this ten years ago. And I am pretty sure that he may or may not see a problem but isn't up to figuring it out right now anyway. I can't do anything about that. I can't change who he is or his choices. And I can't keep this up either. ANd I can't keep focusing on being pissed off or depressed about it. I really have to get off of here and just put all of that towards T and I. All of the empathy and support is A-1, top-notch. I have also read enough threads through the years to see what works and what doesn't. I simply need to move forward. I can't compromise T and my future over a fantasy that he'll just "up and become the husband and father I hoped that he was." Or that if I work hard enough, long enough he'll recognize my efforts. I don't even know how much he can see of me to begin with. It's frustrating. I've wanted to be seen and appreciated my whole life by a partner. And like a frustrating ballad-story-of-my-life I picked someone who sees my greatest efforts as a big ploy to trap him and get him to live some half-baked life where he does my chores or something. IDK. I don't get it. I never even used to be big on cleaning up until he made a big thing about it and then he wanted to run a cleaning business. Then I saw other people's homes and was like, "hmm, there's something to this." He made more of a big deal about the house. IDK. IDK a lot of stuff I guess. Just that explaining stuff to him is just counter-productive. He sees it as criticism and I can't help but feel unheard (thus unloved) and he thinks it's a-okay to be half-in, half-out and that's it's up to me to be "good enough" to make him want to be all-in. And I don't think anyone could be capable of that, nor should be really. Hi dreaming, MAN WOAH! What a lot to catch up on! But in fact literally the identical stuff repeated over and over. A pattern you're ALLOWING to occur in yours and Ts life over and over. You realize this? Right? I believe you are an academically intelligent person. I'm really only saying anything to you in the hope that something sticks. I am trying to be kind. I'm certain you are familiar with the term "enabler"?? You are being an ENABLER in your extremely WHs life. It's my belief that when an individual is "enabling" a drug addict or alcoholic or serial cheater (and all three in your WH possibly? ) then you are COMPLETELY DISABLING yourself. You were bang on the money when you said something like you neglected all other sectors of YOUR life (including your health) to focus on WH / the M? Have you never practised the 180? Never? It seems you do the exact OPPOSITE of the 180 repeatedly and expect a different outcome? Doing exactly the same thing yet hoping for a different outcome? Isn't that the definition of something? YOU only have control over YOURSELF. Even the hope or want to control your spouse is way out there dysfunctional thinking. It's just never recommended nor could lead to anything that is a prosperous M. Dreaming where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years time? With a 15yo T? Still battling this CRAZY M having made no headway whatsoever for your OWN life and with a horribly confused young woman about ready to leave home and venture the big bold world with what? Stay angry for just long enough to kick this irresponsible, no good WH right out the door. You just don't have the expertise to help him. He** when you booked someone WITH the expertise, WH didn't turn up anyhow!!!! As crap as it is, T has ONE and one only responsible parent who is fully capable of raising her to be a fine young woman. But only WHEN you stop the disabling relationship with WH. Ofcourse you don't have the energy to devote to T or your health or your weight loss or your prosperity. You're far too focussed on WH and where's that getting you real fast? In a nutshell - sicker, more disabled and probably completely disabled a lot of the time. Nowhere. Bad places. I think your inability to let this go / cut this cancer out etc must have far more to do with your FOO issues but hey I know nothing either! I'm wondering if you are comfortable with "peace". I hope so. What I do know is that the more I learn about all this kind of crazy sh**, the MORE I realize I don't know. What I do KNOW is what I'm capable of. Incredible things. Just like you, once you set yourself free and only WHEN you do so. Meant with kindness. Lion Heart. 2
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Hi dreaming, MAN WOAH! What a lot to catch up on! But in fact literally the identical stuff repeated over and over. A pattern you're ALLOWING to occur in yours and Ts life over and over. You realize this? Right? I believe you are an academically intelligent person. I'm really only saying anything to you in the hope that something sticks. I am trying to be kind. I'm certain you are familiar with the term "enabler"?? You are being an ENABLER in your extremely WHs life. It's my belief that when an individual is "enabling" a drug addict or alcoholic or serial cheater (and all three in your WH possibly? ) then you are COMPLETELY DISABLING yourself. You were bang on the money when you said something like you neglected all other sectors of YOUR life (including your health) to focus on WH / the M? Have you never practised the 180? Never? It seems you do the exact OPPOSITE of the 180 repeatedly and expect a different outcome? Doing exactly the same thing yet hoping for a different outcome? Isn't that the definition of something? YOU only have control over YOURSELF. Even the hope or want to control your spouse is way out there dysfunctional thinking. It's just never recommended nor could lead to anything that is a prosperous M. Dreaming where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years time? With a 15yo T? Still battling this CRAZY M having made no headway whatsoever for your OWN life and with a horribly confused young woman about ready to leave home and venture the big bold world with what? Stay angry for just long enough to kick this irresponsible, no good WH right out the door. You just don't have the expertise to help him. He** when you booked someone WITH the expertise, WH didn't turn up anyhow!!!! As crap as it is, T has ONE and one only responsible parent who is fully capable of raising her to be a fine young woman. But only WHEN you stop the disabling relationship with WH. Ofcourse you don't have the energy to devote to T or your health or your weight loss or your prosperity. You're far too focussed on WH and where's that getting you real fast? In a nutshell - sicker, more disabled and probably completely disabled a lot of the time. Nowhere. Bad places. I think your inability to let this go / cut this cancer out etc must have far more to do with your FOO issues but hey I know nothing either! I'm wondering if you are comfortable with "peace". I hope so. What I do know is that the more I learn about all this kind of crazy sh**, the MORE I realize I don't know. What I do KNOW is what I'm capable of. Incredible things. Just like you, once you set yourself free and only WHEN you do so. Meant with kindness. Lion Heart. Wha? But trying not to be blindingly angry and doing what has to get done, I am enabling? WTF LH? I would think by stewing, raging, spending hours on LS, not changing anything around the house like putting his clothes in garbage bags yesterday and going for a nice walk.....that would be leaving the door open a crack to be enabling and welcoming the return visit - that lasts a week until he goes off and gets drunk again. The one I DON'T want. I can't fix or change anything with someone that doesn't want to and is, well, limited in his scope. I can't change his scope and he won't go and get the help to do so. Big-ass brick wall there. So instead of fuming, accept that he has issues, I can't do squat about them. He doesn't seem to "get" or doesn't seem to "care" what effect they have on others. For instance, after 10pm last night he emails me saying he wants to talk to T but has to find a cash store first to get his phone up. Like, we're already in bed. No-go. I think most Dad's, even if they were in this ridiculous situation would say, "hey, how are things going? How is T? Is she still up? Does she want to talk to me?" It was more like, "after I find the cash store, I want to talk to HER." Well, excuse me. I exist to. And I think that most basic people with half-sense would realize that. We haven't talked in A WEEK. And all that there is, is some lame excuse about "losing connectivity" and then trying to talk to our five year old way after bedtime. Like maybe she DOESN'T want to talk to him, like last time. So, yes, I see this as a "limited" person. I can go nuclear about it. But what's the point of that? I am the only person going to be upset by that. Or I can respond to it and say, "No, it's too late, she's asleep already." I can sit on here and bitch about what a terrible Dad he is for the **** he does, or I can make certain arrangements that I don't post to deal with that and limit the fallout. It took me long enough to accept that he has issues he doesn't want help to get better from. That he views everyone else as the fault for it. So now, just get stinking mad? Screw that. I have better stuff to contend with other than blind rage. I'm too pragmatic in the end. I'm not going to lose it like my Dad does and start going after the neighbours with baseball bats because one of them drove into the cul-de-sac too fast.
Lion Heart Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Dreaming, WH is doing crazy things. You are being SO loving, bending over backwards in the past, and possibly now by even leaving the door open a crack. He just doesn't deserve the crack in the door. WH is being horribly abusive of your relationship and his relationship with T. ALL of that and the mountains you wouldn't have the time to post about is evidence of his massive abuse, negligence and full throttle entitlement that he's only ABLE to exercise whilst the door is open to your family. ALL this is NOT your fault. His issues etc etc. WH is not your responsibility. He is an adult. Not acting like a responsible adult nor likely to any time soon. I get what you want. You want the H and father for T that you thought WH was. For a long time, WH has not been that person. It's a very difficult situation for you to grapple with but you have to realize that this will probably go on for as long as YOU put up with it. It's the hardest thing on earth to lovingly close the door on a relationship that is harmful for you and T but the love you have needs to be redirected to you and T before your health worsens, while you still have a chance for a good life. It's not feeling black and white for you at the moment but for others looking on it seems very black and white. Ofcourse it's your choice. It's your life but this man is hampering your very lives by his behaviours. Certainly your mental health plus more. Your love and devotion for WH is just not being directed towards an even near worthy recipient. You and T ARE worthy recipients. Truly all this is sent with loving intent. It's completely up to you WHEN you decide "enough is enough". Serenity prayer. Lion Heart.
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