I Deeply Miss My Husband

[LifeWasted]

DOT, I'm sorry your are going through this. Just concentrate on being a good mom and on taking care of yourself.

[LoveMyCat]

I have to admit, it is difficult to see why you are missing this guy so much. Other than just a physical presence and maybe financially, I can't really understand it from what you have written.

 

Moving and starting over is probably your best option. You cannot force someone to care or to carry their part of a marriage, if they don't want to do it. It is infuriating that he won't or can't supply what you need, but fruitless to allow his behavior to ruin your life.

[dreamingoftigers]

today was cookie-free.

 

I also went out with my daughter and a friend.

 

he sent me an email saying he'd been really sick and we could talk tomorrow.

 

Blah.......even _I_ know that's just a breadcrumby excuse. too sick to pick up a phone for days and days and call your daughter? Too sick to check your email? blarg.

 

It behooves me how he "thinks I am so smart" yet thinks I am so stupid.

 

ugh.

 

today as soon as I realized that it was just like future-faking with an MM, my whole stance on how to deal with this changed.

 

So many OW on here really believe MM is a "victim of circumstance" and that he "wants a future with them after he breaks away from his wife."

 

My husband is very much emotionally married to many many unhealthy beliefs and addictions. they are his primary relationship and my daughter and I get what's left over. which has become less and less.

 

the same way that I would not role-model being with a MM (as much as one can "be with" an MM), I will no longer be role-modelling being with someone who treats me as an MM would.

 

I put my heart and so much more into this marriage and I deserve better than to be a side-piece. And my daughter deserves better treatment from her Dad.

 

SHE should have been his TOP priority when I told him he couldn't be drunk or carrying on etc. around us.

 

He chose not to make getting help and treatment a priority. He chose to drink more. He chose to disappear.

That preserves his primary relationship with his unhealthy beliefs and addictions and utterly cast our marriage to the dogs. He can always find an excuse to NOT work on himself or work on things with me. Much like an MM will always tell OW excuse after excuse until she tires of it (if she ever does). Meanwhile, my husband has been able to dump his bs excuses on me like a human landfill and I have treated most of them as legit problems to be solved and addressed.

 

However, for some silly reason, he's never truly willing to solve and address them. Not even willing to take me on real dates as a priority. Not willing to commit to showing up to MC. Not willing to talk about it because "he can't handle talking about stuff with me." Because if our relationship progressed beyond "human landfill" status, there would not be a "legit" reason to keep his primary, destructive relationship anymore. And it takes a lot of energy to maintain THAT relationship. Probably ten times as much energy. That's why there's not much left at the end of the day.

 

What advice would I give an OW?

He handles conflict poorly. He lies and won't take himself away from what he describes as "unliveable circumstances" and has now also dragged you into his mess. Leave.

 

Maybe in the future when he gets a fully discharged divorce, and serious counseling to find out why and has resolved why he was so conflict-avoidant with poor boundaries in the beginning, then maybe consider seeing him.

 

But don't wait around.

[Yasuandio]

She's back!

 

See, hon! You don't need cookies or breadcrumbs!

 

Bravo sweets! Keep posting to us on your progress!

 

Your Yas

[dreamingoftigers]

we have been together for ten years and of course it did not start this way.

 

in fact it would have been very difficult to fathom the decline a descent over the last six years.

 

Things eroded slowly and very painfully to the point where this became a "new normal."

 

It was unbelivable to piece together the partner I barely know with the partner I knew back then.

 

It's almost like this guy slowly killed that guy off.

 

I can't even piece together the father he was two years ago with the father he is today. addiction and mental illness are very serious life and brain-altering processes. if not managed properly. my God, you just devolve into a stereotype.

 

it kind of reminds me of the Walking Dead. only whatever they need to survive keeps them going eventually. no matter what their physical state is or what they consume in their path.

 

Maybe. I'm actually too chicken to watch The Walking Dead but I'm pretty sure that's the general idea.

 

I have to admit, it is difficult to see why you are missing this guy so much. Other than just a physical presence and maybe financially, I can't really understand it from what you have written.

 

Moving and starting over is probably your best option. You cannot force someone to care or to carry their part of a marriage, if they don't want to do it. It is infuriating that he won't or can't supply what you need, but fruitless to allow his behavior to ruin your life.

[Steen719]

I'm glad you are seeing things from a different perspective today. You are so worth so much more and so is T. And congratulations - you didn't even need a full week!

 

You have it in you to be what you want to. In some ways, you are fortunate. You are bright and very articulate. You have some support from your parents (I know what you have said about them, but regardless they are helping you some) and your church is helping. You have a job, your daughter is healthy and we all love you. It is difficult sometimes, at least for me, but I really try to see the good things I do have, particularly compared to others. For example, I would p*ss and moan about working two jobs and have to remind myself that I have 2 jobs and some people do not even have one.

 

You and T will be fine, Dot. I'm betting on you.

[pteromom]

The only dreams I had that were attainable:

 

Have a real family.

Have my own home one day (not going to happen off of one income in this city pffft)

Go to U of C for Neuroscience. Probably not going to happen either with this financial trainwreck that I have now.

 

You WILL have a real family.

You WILL have your own home one day.

You WILL get your education.

 

This is just a temporary fall. You will get back up. You will find someone who is kind and loving and accepting and whole, who can give you what you really want.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. Don't let missing your husband color over the whole truth of who he is though. While there is surely some good you are missing, you also get to cut off the bad.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm glad you are seeing things from a different perspective today. You are so worth so much more and so is T. And congratulations - you didn't even need a full week!

 

You have it in you to be what you want to. In some ways, you are fortunate. You are bright and very articulate. You have some support from your parents (I know what you have said about them, but regardless they are helping you some) and your church is helping. You have a job, your daughter is healthy and we all love you. It is difficult sometimes, at least for me, but I really try to see the good things I do have, particularly compared to others. For example, I would p*ss and moan about working two jobs and have to remind myself that I have 2 jobs and some people do not even have one.

 

You and T will be fine, Dot. I'm betting on you.

 

Great, let's add a gambling addiction to the thread.

 

Maybe I am not the "brightest, shooting star." I just had to go through it off and on for six years before I finally caught on LOL

 

But at least it's starting.

I felt my confidence start to sink in. It was like I cracked the code. Broke the algorithim.

 

This is why I my marriage doesn't seem to fit the pattern of so many on here. After awhile, you read and read and read the threads and some parts fit and others don't but there are huge, generalized patterns.

 

It's kind of like the Anna Karenina Principle:

 

"all happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in it's own way"

Anna Karenina principle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I loved Guns, Germs and Steel by the way.

 

Anyhow, if we could list the marital failures on a spreadsheet (you know, just for fun )

 

We've got the cheating, abuse, additions, some kind of mental illness, financial stress, religious difference (sure, why not throw this in), he and I have both had employment issues. We've had legal issues. He disappears frequently. We are both physically not in great shape. And I think we both smell. But I don't mind that. I like man-smell. I also have this habit of not shaving my legs frequently in the winter. Believe it or not, we don't disagree on parenting much. I don't even want to mention our ACE scores.

 

Got Your ACE Score? « ACEs Too High

 

So by the Anna Karenina Principle we don't die on one major hill, we kind of get blown to pieces on all of them. Except for parenting.

 

If you don't include me being thoroughly ready to yank out every single nerve one by one in his body and chop them into tiny little pieces just for abandoning our daughter for about two weeks. If you don't count that.

 

So, my marriage didn't fit a lot of the "he's cheating" "he's drinking" "think he is mental" "I am depressed and it's affecting my marriage" thread patterns. The ones that crack easily. Except for the "get the Hell out of there" vibe that of course accompanies deal-breaking behaviour.

 

The truly hard part was being up to my eyeballs in all of it.

 

Trapped in the middle of the burning forest trying to find the safest way out.

 

Thank God the church and LS helped me. The cycle was killing me. Killing me. And I don't even think it was doing it slowly. I tried to leave a bunch of times. It even felt really stupid leaving a house that was already empty. But there were so many fires I could not see my way out at all. Tons of self-doubt. TONS.

 

When you are put through so much stress. And then the counselors I had OMFG. Least helpful schlock I ever had. Actually CAUSED more trauma. Ugh awful. One basically gave him the soundbytes he used to blowup and manipulate me for years. It wasn't until I read The Verbally Abusive Relationship that I realized I was in not just a toxic relationship, but a severely toxic relationship. We hit the lowest levels on just about every topic.

 

It was then that I realized why there was no reasoning with him, despite the fact that he could reason in every outside part of his life in a superior way. His relationships aren't rational . It would be convenient to blame his mother. It doesn't help really. It doesn't mean that he isn't responsible for how his behaviour turns out. HE IS. And that credit card statement has come in. Oh boy, has that come in.

 

BUT I can also clearly see and navigate where he is not capable of coping in his current state. Not in the regular sense. Like literally in a constant survival mode that has a lot of deep pain attached to it. Every day is like hitting a raw nerve. It is intensely hard to describe to someone who has not experienced this. I had similar issues before EMDR> I can absolutely read it in him.

 

I know that this does NOT excuse the behaviour in any way, any more than severe childhood brain trauma causing aggression makes it "okay" to kill a couple of people. But one can see where the issue lies, one can have empathy and sympathy even though one does not experience the same issues.

 

It's somewhat hard to articulate. It really is. Needless to say, my role in this is not to fix it. My role in this is not to support my spouse in whatever inappropriate ways he wishes to treat myself and my daughter.

 

My role is to protect myself and my daughter. Care for both of us and hope for the best for him, since he has decided to vacate the role of husband often enough to abdicate it completely.

 

Even though tonight he has stated he does not desire to do so.

 

That is actually not my concern. My concern lies primarily with the best outcome for T and I. Not for him. He chose otherwise, instead of working within the family framework. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding that choice. Regardless of the "fuzziness in logic" that may have influenced that series of choices. Like the rest of us over 18, he chose. He did not choose wisely. The end.

 

Sadly for him, the first real real real delivery of the consequences came in tonight.

 

And you may be disappointed to learn that it did not come from me.

T was asked if she wanted to talk to him on the phone

She screamed, "NO! I don't want to talk to him until he's back!"

Then she went in the living room.

She came back to me and said, "I am very upset. I want a hug from Daddy."

I just held her and we talked. She was able to process missing him and then went back to watch her shows. Soon she was dancing again.

He was very crushed but acknowledged that "he deserved it."

 

I love my daughter. She reminds me very much of myself when I was younger in her temperament. I knew that my father's behaviour was full of crap too when I was her age and never shied away from saying so. Even if it meant I was tossed around the room, yelled at, insulted and isolated until I would ball up and cry my eyes out.

 

Luckily T has never seen anything like the ridiculous scenes my father did. Or any bloody noses etc. But she's seen enough and she knows it.

 

I feel absolutely pathetic that it took me so long to do anything about it with absolute effectiveness, or to absolutely realize that I wasn't responsible for his BS behaviours. Regardless of his stresses.

 

She knows the difference between "a few days" and almost two weeks.

My five year-old once told me, "Mommy, I don't want Daddy to come back. I am sick of his kicking." After he lost his temper and broke a fan last summer.

 

My mother tried for years to tell me "your father loves you, he's just angry. Your father is just stressed. His feet hurt. blah blah blah."

 

I actually resent her for it. I was an afterthought to my father unless he was angry. Then I was a front and center target. After that, sometimes he would feel guilty. Sometimes tear up. But rarely did he show me true, genuine love. I am 32 now and it has happened maybe a dozen times.

 

BUT, my mother's interference showed me that "father's blow up and treat you like crap when they are stressed. You are a target because [his feet hurt]. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

 

So, here we are, fast-forward 25+ years later and I am in a relationship with a man who abuses me, blows up at me, humiliates me, withholds affection from me, steals from me, disappears, lies to me, makes fun of me and criticizes me, insults me, makes me responsible for his feelings, "but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me." Thanks Mom & Dad. Maybe in another 15 years I'll emotionally discover that I am actually lovable.

 

Anyhow. My husband was never like any of those things to T. Except disappearing. Ever. Luckily. For him. Because frankly, I was always afraid that I would end up with someone that would say something offhand to my kids and I would throw them out so fast that 1-800-GOTJUNK would be halfway to the dump before they realized what happened. But that didn't happen. He just treated me like I should take it. He even said things like "I thought you were strong in that way." Maybe I am sick of getting "stronger" and would actually like to be happy for once. I liked happy. I could do the "happy thing."

 

I just wonder when I accepted my father's behaviour as okay for my husband. I was never okay with it from my Dad and I ghosted on it. Even for years at a time. He never checked up on me or apologized. I even caught him cheating on my Mom and he never said anything to me about it. It affected me, and he will never talk to me about it. I ALWAYS stood up to my Dad. Even stupidly sometimes. Violently at times when it was necessary. The last confrontation happened just before I move out at 16. He strangled me and tried to kill me. I fought him off. He denies it to this day. My mother stood there shouting and did nothing else. I had bruises. It's all denied. It's messed up. I had to fight my Dad off for my literal survival. That was half of a lifetime ago.

 

When the heck did I flip over to say, "okay, husband, you get carte blanche" after the first half of my life fighting against that tooth and nail?

I guess it was because having a family and not divorcing felt like a necessity to survive. I guess because I believed that "despite the obvious, I knew that he actually really loved me." Even if he DOES care about me in the feeling sense....... his behaviours have almost destroyed me. That at least merits some consideration. LOFL.

 

The weird thing is, every time we've been separated for awhile. I start to feel much better, develop forward momentum and start doing much better for myself. Then we get back together and that all gets sucked away.

 

I am glad my little daughter just says, "No way. Not for me Dad. You can go kick rocks."

 

And I am not going to say to her, "Oh sweetheart, you know that deep down he really loves you."

 

If he wants her to know that, he will have to be 37 and show her. Instead of acting 1 or 2 and throwing an "I'm not playing anymore" temper tantrum every time he doesn't get his way after he doesn't even let anyone know what he wants. I will never cover for him to her. My Dad was (is) and alcoholic. Had I been able to accept that younger instead of it being presented as "this is normal" I might have had half of a chance. I've screwed up enough. I won't make this mistake.

 

Steen, I always loved your posts.

 

I really hoped your ex-H would hit the wall in real remorse and getting half of a clue so he would hurt like a bitch too. I did. He really deserved it.

 

And I am glad that you don't push your son to have a relationship with him.

I see other parents on here make that mistake. I swear younger kids know way better about not taking other people's crap.

[lgspot]

Great kid you have there!!!

dot,

I can't offer much, but to read your posts and say hang in there girl.

You are one strong and gifted lady.

Blessings

[dreamingoftigers]

Great kid you have there!!!

dot,

I can't offer much, but to read your posts and say hang in there girl.

You are one strong and gifted lady.

Blessings

 

Thank you lgspot. TYVM.

 

I have always appreciated the support from everyone during these really hard rock-bottomy times.

___________________________________

 

My kid is an ambitious little person too.

 

And highly stubborn. I don't know where she got that from......

 

Possibly from everyone in the family going back three generations. Possibly.

 

In the last two weeks she made an Easter Egg Hunt for both of us, lost a tooth, earned three Sparks badges (well, they came in last week, she's been at it for a little bit). Made really nice cards for Easter too with my sister. Learned her long "Es." Somehow she negotiates watching her favorite show almost every night even though it's half an hour past her bedtime. And told her Dad to go kick rocks if he's not going to follow-through.

 

Man, she's got my heart flattened. She's a force to be reckoned with. And she's really cute too.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I feel like your attachment to your husband is holding you back from reaching your goals, I hope one day you can let go and I also hope that he will and can take care of himself and your wonderful little daughter!!

[GorillaTheater]

I hate posting and admitting upfront that I have no idea what to say or what advice to offer, but that's what I'm doing. About the only thing I can do is state some pretty obvious truths:

 

1. You are so damn smart and self-aware. I KNOW you will do the right thing, even though I'm at a loss to say what that may be.

 

2. You are so, so f*cking cool. Really. You totally f*cking rock.

 

3. You can WRITE. I post in soundbites, you post in prose.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hate posting and admitting upfront that I have no idea what to say or what advice to offer, but that's what I'm doing. About the only thing I can do is state some pretty obvious truths:

 

1. You are so damn smart and self-aware. I KNOW you will do the right thing, even though I'm at a loss to say what that may be.

 

2. You are so, so f*cking cool. Really. You totally f*cking rock.

 

3. You can WRITE. I post in soundbites, you post in prose.

 

Thank you.

 

I wish I had broken things up into tiny pieces.

 

This thread is practically a block.

 

For me writing in blocks helps me process a lot.

 

It just doesnt make for good, easy to read posting.

 

.GT I am sure that you are a great Dad/husband.

 

You always seem to have a genurine interest your kids/family.

 

You're kids may have issues when they get older (as everyone kid does for little bit) but I honestly that none of your children will face this wweird, broken insecurity that's in my family.

 

It's a really big compliment. But I honestly don't know how to articulate it.

 

Maybe it's: just by your interest in being a husband and Dad that comes through in these non-flashy/showoffy ways, you are actually making the world a bit better of a place for a small clan of people day to day. And maybe you don't even know it.

[Emilia]

I'm so sorry DoT. I know what it's like to have abandonment triggers and I know VERY WELL what it's like picking people who bring that out in you the worst way. I know what it's like thinking you can never have anything lasting and real and not broken. My heart goes out to you DoT. Lots of love.

[Steen719]

Great, let's add a gambling addiction to the thread.

 

Well, we could bet a cookie!

 

It was then that I realized why there was no reasoning with him, despite the fact that he could reason in every outside part of his life in a superior way. His relationships aren't rational . It would be convenient to blame his mother. It doesn't help really. It doesn't mean that he isn't responsible for how his behaviour turns out. HE IS. And that credit card statement has come in. Oh boy, has that come in.

 

That is the issue with so many people. Many of us can look at aspects of our childhood and blame one behavior or another on it. You are right - it does no good. Once an adult, you make your own decisions and once a parent, you should make decisions with your child in mind. I'm glad you don't think you should fix him and again, it is not your responsibility to take on his behaviors as your fault.

 

I hate that he is so irresponsible in regards to your daughter, because that's the thing that you will have to work on to make sure she doesn't internalize the pain from his treatment of her. My son was older when his dad mostly forgot him in his year of bliss. P*ssed me off so much - more than it did my son. Buy yourself a new truck, dad, but don't help with college. Oh well, I digress.

 

Steen, I always loved your posts.

 

I really hoped your ex-H would hit the wall in real remorse and getting half of a clue so he would hurt like a bitch too. I did. He really deserved it.

 

And I am glad that you don't push your son to have a relationship with him.

I see other parents on here make that mistake. I swear younger kids know way better about not taking other people's crap.

 

Thank you. I think my XH has had some difficulties with his relationships; I know he has with his family and one sister told me after being around him, she didn't know how I stayed with him - he is insufferable. I would be lying if I said I didn't wish some clarity would swoop down on his head and he would feel some of the pain my son and I felt, but I care less about it as time goes on.

 

I have reminded my son that his father had some good attributes and that he was a good dad to him (maybe not always, but sometimes). I have told him that he will only ever have one dad, but I leave it to him to decide what he wants out of that relationship. I mean come on, X texted him for his birthday; didn't even call. Jerkwad! I hurt for my son, but I can't control what his dad does. I know this much. My son knows I love him and would do whatever I could for him and knowing he knows that at least one parent does what they say they will makes me feel good. One parent's consistent love is better than chaos and unhappiness.

 

I'm so glad you are peeking out from the clouds. You and T deserve not to live in constant flux. Once you are truly on your own, you will just continue to improve your circumstances and I bet that cookie on that.

[Lion Heart]

Just in case no one picked up on it,

 

My emotions are like scrambled eggs right now.

 

So yeah, the topic of "maybe in the future there will be a male and you might like him more than a friend" is just......so beyond my emotional comprehension right now.

 

I hate to think it but there are three things that would probably straighten my head out a little right now.

 

1. Time (yay, I need to wait stuff out, again, yay......)

2. Lots of prayer and listening to the impressions of the Holy Spirit and maybe I won't include swear words in my prayers.

3. Getting laid. Getting laid by someone I won't ever have to look in the eye again just to give me a boost. Just try to distract myself from my husband. Just try to pretend the almost ten years I had with my husband meant nothing. Because they meant something to me. Just screw all of that pain away. It might take my headache and stomach cramps away while I am at it.

 

Hah. So, I think given the rather divergent nature of where my thoughts and feelings are, I think I best just not try number 3. I am not really a number 3 person. I would probably just end up sitting there crying about how I miss the time my husband kissed me overlooking the ocean in Newfoundland. Yeah, the ultimate cock-block there. Then I would be all ashamed, feel like I cheated, have to talk to my Bishop about it. Ugh. I do miss physical intimacy though. It's been since September.

 

So time. I hate time. I've lost so much of it.

Which leaves prayer. And we all know how much God loves to be Plan B.

 

Brilliant. I kinda hate myself tonight. Not brave enough to screw. Not brave enough to block him out and shut down the joint bank account. Not kind enough to say a bunch of prayers for all of our wellness. Just annoyed and hurt enough to ramble on LS tonight.

 

Hi beautiful dreaming,

 

OMG just OMG. There is SO MUCH I want to say to you about your situation. About yourself. About your DD. About your FUTURE. NOT about WH. Because WH just isn't your concern, your responsibility or your problem. Don't argue with me or worse, yourself! That WH this that or the other. That you love WH. Crikeys that's obvious but just not relevant. Sounds weird but it's so true.

 

If I could "copy and paste" all the things in my head about your situation because it was almost IDENTICAL to mine 22y ago. Then I would. I will try over time but TBH I've only got a few minutes to respond b4 THAT baby DD I bundled up and LEFT with is coming over soon with her H and their baby son so we can all organize OUR FANTASTIC overseas holidays for 2w and LISTEN BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR FUTURE. .. I'm paying for them and MYSELF and my 3 chn (to this WH) from MY SAVINGS. Living in the house I bought. Working in the wonderful profession of MY CHOICE.

CHOICES.

 

NO ONE ELSE DID THIS FOR ME. BUT ME.

 

YOU ARE AWESOME. GOD KNOWS YOU'RE AWESOME. WE KNOW YOU'RE AWESOME. YOUR BABY GIRL KNOWS YOU'RE THE MOST AWESOME BEING ON THE PLANET! Because you are as it happens. You are her sunshine and hope. You are her leader out of this mire. You are the Captain of this incredible Ship called "A wonderful life".

 

If I could show you my Diaries of my past, you would think that YOU wrote them.

 

But then my Decision. No more. Bless that person with love and move on.

 

I'll be back but I'm taking my 3 little chn away tomorrow for 8d. I'll be here for you AS EVERYONE ELSE HERE is. The love and compassion is not only here but within you.

 

I want to share what I heard back after praying SO HARD being in a strange weekender with 300 of present WH family 2 months ago. I was bereft. But not for long. I sway but not falter.

The response:

"Silently

Calmly

Deeply

Be still and KNOW that I am God

 

I speak to you with unreserved directness.

 

I speak to you with gentle whispers and persuasion.

 

When you cannot know me or hear me,

 

I SHOW you with my awesome Power the THOUGHTS of others through their ACTIONS.

 

Deny me not, for it is within my Power to jolt you and obstruct you at every turn, should you need.

 

I gave you Free Will and you constantly turn Your Will over to me time and time again. I am showing you your path because you pray for My Will To Be Done. This is my Will. Attend and be filled. "

 

Ok pretty serious sh**! Lol.

 

Baby girl (my past sad and bereft self) you will be free of this.

You can pray and you must but you must also ACT. ACT like there's only NOW because you only have NOW.

 

You ALREADY HAVE an awesome family. YOU and your little girl. You make an awesome team. You will gain power and strength with distance from this moment. You will know this gorgeous child as she goes through school, graduates, marries and gives birth. Be in a hurry to develop HER CHARACTER as you develop your own. I'll pm the book to support this. It changed my Life.

 

This daughter, my daughter, will look at you with admiration and love you think you don't deserve. But you do.

And one day she may say what you never expected to hear from her lips "Mum you're my best friend on earth".

There is not a compliment from any husband, partner or bf that could ever have filled me with the pure love, acceptance, gratitude and forgiveness that that one person, our child, can give.

 

AND I WANT TO KNOW WHEN her tooth falls out! Lol.

Share with us your joys.

We rejoice with you.

Spread all over the planet there are people who care about your baby girl and you.

Feel it. Know it. Act with it.

 

Can you feel that friggin (yeah my G** is pretty used to my swearing too) Mountain of sun filled love and happiness coming from Oz? Get ready! Lol.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Lion Heart.

[kenmore]

I'm paying for them and MYSELF and my 3 chn (to this WH) from MY SAVINGS. Living in the house I bought. Working in the wonderful profession of MY CHOICE.

 

You're taking your chickens??

[Lion Heart]

You're taking your chickens??

 

Haaaa ha ha

 

Sorry no my 5 chickens are staying home!

Chn = children.

 

Chickens don't surf!

X

Thanks for that. I'll try not to abbreviate too much!

LH

[pteromom]

He just treated me like I should take it. He even said things like "I thought you were strong in that way." Maybe I am sick of getting "stronger"

 

Being strong doesn't mean being able to withstand being someone's emotional punching bag. It means being able to walk away.

 

Your introspection about your father and husband is truly amazing. You are self-aware and very smart. You will do the right thing for you and your daughter.

 

I related to much of what you were saying about your father. Even down to the "it doesn't mean he doesn't love you" stuff. My dad did horrible things too, and it didn't mean he didn't love me. But he didn't TREAT me with love. And that is not ok. As an adult, we have the power to insist that someone treats us with kindness and respect and acceptance - and if they don't, we have the choice to just not be around that person.

 

and would actually like to be happy for once. I liked happy. I could do the "happy thing."

 

You will be! It's chaos right now, because you have to redefine your life while you are saying goodbye to the life you thought you'd have. But your new life will be so much happier.

 

You can't fix him.

 

All you can do is be open if he decides to fix himself. If he wants you, he can put the work in to win you back - he can go to counseling and recovery and anger management and can turn things around for himself. But if he isn't willing to do that, without requiring anything from you but doing it for himself, then that proves he either doesn't admit that he has issues or doesn't care enough to fix them. That's all you need to know.

[pteromom]

And no - don't go out and get laid.

 

The fantasy of what that would feel like is much better than the reality.

 

However - it is OK to go out and buy some interesting toys and get reacquainted with your body and perhaps learn some new things about yourself.

[Lion Heart]

And no - don't go out and get laid.

 

The fantasy of what that would feel like is much better than the reality.

 

However - it is OK to go out and buy some interesting toys and get reacquainted with your body and perhaps learn some new things about yourself.

 

Dreaming ^^^^^ this it's true!

 

But hopefully you'll learn after the 1st or 2nd .... not nice.

 

Toys! Absolutely. No diseases ha ha.

LH

[kenmore]

Oh, I don't know. It can be pretty awesome!

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure what age your daughter is, but do you really want her to grow up thinking this is normal behavior? As much as you want the marriage to work, does your H want it the same as you do?

 

Because you can't fix this on your own. He has to recognise what he has done and how his actions affect your marriage.

 

I know at this time you can't imagine being with anyone else, the stress of divorce and issues with blended families, but living like this is damaging your own being.

 

It's important for children to see healthy relationships in order for them to recognise abuse as they grow. Otherwise it looks normal to them. Would your H consider himself to be the type of husband'she'd want for your daughter?

 

He needs to take responsibility and step up before you get to the point of not giving a damn about him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not sure what age your daughter is, but do you really want her to grow up thinking this is normal behavior? As much as you want the marriage to work, does your H want it the same as you do?

 

Because you can't fix this on your own. He has to recognise what he has done and how his actions affect your marriage.

 

I know at this time you can't imagine being with anyone else, the stress of divorce and issues with blended families, but living like this is damaging your own being.

 

It's important for children to see healthy relationships in order for them to recognise abuse as they grow. Otherwise it looks normal to them. Would your H consider himself to be the type of husband'she'd want for your daughter?

 

He needs to take responsibility and step up before you get to the point of not giving a damn about him.

 

This is 101 on the level of the stuff I realized ages ago.

 

Yes, I don't want my daughter to see this as normal etc.

 

I also didn't want her to grow up in a broken home.

 

etc etc etc etc

[dreamingoftigers]

So, anyway, update.

 

He invited me on an "all-expenses paid by him" trip.

 

I get why he did it. "The big gesture."

 

To the same city he ditched us in December.

 

No thanks. Don't want to relive that tripe. And frankly, didn't want to go up there, having to walk on eggshells for the sake of 'him and T having fun." Because, frankly, walking on eggshells, rugsweeping the last 7 weeks of him doing whatever-the-Hell doesn't work for me anymore. It never really worked for me. So I would go do "whatever" except for one time I refused to go to Ontario with him because he told me he was sober and then it turned out he was actually detoxing.

 

If he cared about us, it would be small gestures and reearning trust. But it is rarely that. And never consistent.

 

Then T called him the next night crying that she missed him.

So he came back the day after that. (He's sober btw).

I thought it was pretty weird and, well, disrespectful that he just "came home like it was nothing" without even TALKING to me. He just "popped back." With pizza. Because pizza is what you bring when you are absent for 7 weeks. Roses are for general apologies. But pizza, you know **** just got real.

 

He went down to AADAC (treatment place) and got into courses.

 

Annnnnnddddd I learned something pretty valuable.

 

I'm happier without him.

 

I am. The first couple of days were okay. We talked some stuff through. He helped clean up.

 

Now, over the last two days, stuff is going back to stupid. He walks out last night telling me he "doesn't know" when he's going to be home after being pretty rude to me.

 

This morning, rude again.

 

He's rude a lot.

There's more to it than that. Just his overall attitude. Like "Stop bugging me and acting like you don't trust me. I haven't done anything you can prove yet. Just be grateful I even came back. I asked you to lunch two days ago. See, I care."

 

So that's him now. That's who he is. That's the person he invested in becoming.

 

I didn't invest in becoming the person that responds to that with grace.

 

I was going to see what his plan was. If he would be leaving again or getting his own place. But I realized that AGAIN, that's giving him WAAAAAYYYYY too much lattitude in all of this. He isn't working. He isn't on disability and his plan seems to be "crash here until I don't like it, then go make money doing whatever."

 

Me waiting around for someone like this to make a plan would be foolish. Even more so after being treated like crap.

 

So my plan is this: gather up his stuff, (because he won't, he'll just take off) and ask him to go. I don't know how to deal with it with T though.