I Deeply Miss My Husband

April 5, 2015

Yes, I honestly suspect he is bipolar or just BPD/with ADD/ADHD.

But then I would sound like every other poster on here that got dumped.

Yes, he has issues, he knows he has issues, he knows that I know that he had issues. I have issues too. Mine are more the, "I am going to eat cookies and cry because my husband has issues that he won't deal with. And I am going to hide from having a life with these cookies which aren't going to last long because if I go out and have a life, it will mean that I gave up on my marriage and gave up on any hope of my husband getting better. And I will feel responsible for abandoning the guy that has already been abandoned by every other woman that was in his life before me even though he's abandoning me and T and I have an abandonment trigger. So I'm glad these cookies are chocolate because oatmeal wouldn't quite cut it today."

His biological mother disappeared too. Apparently she even disappeared for seven years and her mother thought she was dead.

I hope my daughter didn't inherit that. I can't stand the thought of her disappearing for days or weeks at a time as a teen and ending up in unfortunate circumstances.

The whole world just seems scarier today. Ugh.

Here is how you gain control. Remove all the "HE's" from this post, and focus on the "I's. You can only control you own self.

1. Stop eating the cookies, and fill the empty hole with something better.

2. Let Dot accept him as he is, and let go of all expectations, and you can never be abandoned again (as you have no expectations for him to be there for you - since his history is a fairly decent predictor, you can count on that).

3. Let Dot accept him as he is, and give up the prospect of him ever changing him, and completely embrace that she can only change her response to his conduct, and that is all there is possible to do.

4. As long as you, Dot hang onto this hope or dream of what "could be," or "what was," you are unavailable for what "can be" in the future. Your future, if you allow it to unfold without clinging to the past, might hold a wonderful surprise for you and your lovely daughter, and certainly, the door would be open, then, to less dysfuntional types, or better still - a very functional partner or mate, if you let them in.

5. No one can say you didn't give it your best shot with this man. Go back and read how many issues and drama he has dragged you through. You have a child. You have to focus on her consistency now.

6. Accepting him for who he is, means that he is not father material, nor proper husband material, period. End of story. Just let him go do his thing, and get lost, and be done with him, other than when he wishes yo make a visit to daughter.

7. Construct your "Vision Board," and make it happen. This is your secret to success. You are s very smart woman, DOT. Get yourself out of this pity-party, and forward march to a better future where there is no dope, drugs, porn, or whatever mental issues. Where the word "abandonment" doesn't exist - because you are whole by yourself, and need no one to "complete you."

Go get em' Tiger......

Your Yas

April 5, 2015

DoT, so sorry you are going through this ((hugs)).

I live fairly close to you and am in Calgary often. If you'd be interested in getting together, let me know. I'll be there in a heartbeat :-) (well, in a few hours anyway LOL).

As many of us on this forum do, we extract the good things from the past and hold on to them for dear life. "The Devil You Know versus the One You Don't" line of thinking gives us comfort. But with time and distance, a new "normal" is created. Then the issues that caused the R to crumble make sense and it is healthier to be out of that environment. DoT, yours was not a healthy environment for you or your D.

The stigma of single parenting and being alone sucks - big time. But it won't be forever...if you don't want it to be. Grieve your loss and then take small steps towards moving on.

I waited for over a year for stbxh to tell me he missed me..or something, geez. But nope, on Thursday he said he was done. So I signed up for on-line dating the very next day and have a date with someone this afternoon. I have had a crush on this fellow for about a month..and I get to meet him today! And maybe it won't go anywhere but that is fine. You'll know when the time is right to make yourself available to someone else. Don't rush it.

April 5, 2015

DoT,

Not sure what to say but I feel for you and so sorry for what you have been going through.

I think I read 6 yrs? If so I hope you will start to realise that you are worth more than this. You and your daughter and you cannot allow such disruption into yours and your daughter's life anymore.

I didn't ever think I would be happy with someone again and I came to accept that and yes I was happy with my life. Did it happen over night? Absolutely not. It took time.

For what it's worth I believe you are a strong woman and you will get past this.

April 5, 2015

Funny. There's a song titled, "F*** the Pain Away." Its by a singer called Peaches, I believe an ex-teacher.
I've tried that idea. Its only temporary, but good exercise... lol

Although I can't speak for GOD, in this case, I don't think he would mind being Plan "B".
And keep coming to LS. You help a lot of people.

It was actually part of a museum exhibit at the Glenbow years ago.

IDK about God right now. He does good things. But I am fussing over my own scars

April 5, 2015

DoT, I do feel for you, but I can tell you from personal experience that you shouldn't knock stepfathers. I am one. Though I am the only "father" my daughter has known, I didn't come into her life for good until she was 3. She knows I am not her "real" father but I love her more than anyone in my life, and she loves me just the same. Every little moment with her like the one you described is pure joy to me. So stepfathers can be awesome. Trust me!

Okay.

I also don't know how to pick them either though.

April 5, 2015

DoT,

You're allowed to mourn, to grieve, to miss your lost husband, and to be emotional.

And then you gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take action toward putting a life together for you and your daughter. And for the sake of both of you, it shouldn't be one that includes letting some drunken, drugged, and mostly absent guy come in and out of the house pretending to be a husband and father.

Your daughter is young enough that she can handle the transition. Younger children adapt to changes, including divorce, much better than older children. Waiting does her no favors. But what's key is stability. There is no stability now. And frankly, it's doing you no good either.

I don't know the laws in The Great White North, but you gotta somehow get legally separated, get exclusive use of the marital home, set-up a process whereby he can request supervised visitation with his daughter, separate your finances, and move towards divorce. In the past, I've just been angry for you. For the first time, I'm scared for you. The status quo is slowly killing you. And for the sake of you and your daughter, you can't go any lower.

I'm afraid I don't like any of the three choices you listed.
1) No more delays. You don't need time for jack.
2) Sorry, I'm just not religious and even if I was, I wouldn't count on divine intervention.
3) Well, you know how that route ends up. In my opinion, get legally separated and then I don't think anyone can judge you. Just watch those emotional break-down cock-blocks. You can have one but that's it.

I'm suggesting option #4: DoT takes charge. Husband's judgment can no longer be trusted to care for the family and DoT is now the exclusive decision-maker and the "Boss" of the family. DoT takes steps to detach from toxic Husband and set up a stable environment for her daughter. Husband can visit his daughter when DoT decides H has his proverbial stuff together well enough that it'll do more good than harm. It ain't up to H.

One thing before I go any further:

I don't have any kind of proof or real indication that he is taking drugs, aside from the fact that he isn't here and HAD been prescribed 6 percs a day until the end of December. Frankly, apparently he took himself off of percs because he didn't want to be hooked on them, and that's when drinking started again. There has definitely been shift in his behaviour as of late to be even more disconnected, and I do suspect that there are percs or whatever else involved. But I don't have anything real or tangible to support this. Plus, due to his back injury he could easily be getting prescribed percs again. Which would not make it a form of substance abuse.

Furthermore: he is not allowed to be here at all if he is detoxing or intoxicated. I have been VERY CLEAR about this. He knows this and has respected this over the last while.

I would not say that there is "no stability." I am a stable caregiver for her. I am a constant Mom that is there for her and doing everything I can to reassure her that she is loved, wanted, and that I will never leave her and that she can count on me. I have also started to emphasize my health because the truth is, I don't have a network of family. There is no sister of mine that can raise her if I pass away. There's my parents, but from personal experience, I would say that is NOT a good idea. Plus, my Dad has had health issues and he still drinks. When he passes (which I suspect will be very sudden and messy) my mother will not be able to easily care for herself and my two handicapped siblings. One of whom is under 24 hour care.

I know that the status quo is killing me. Oddly enough, I think it is killing him too. I keep wanting him to want to make things better. He wants less "interference" from family in his own life.

Anything legal status, such as divorce and custody I will NOT be posting on LS. Period. I will not have any process I engage in threatened. He does know that I post on here. I doubt he much cares at the moment when he is off investing in his own life and space. Or whatever else. He has told me that he "needs space to clear his head" and "needs to get himself stabilized." But I don't see either happening. I just see him drifting quite a bit further away and keeping me on a string, which is exactly what I told him I didn't want. I didn't want to be "on a string while he forces another separation on us." Which is EXACTLY what he did. Although he may not consider it so, if he didn't get himself a place. It's screwed up I know. He won't, of course, tell me where he is under the excuse that "I will stalk him." I also haven't asked. His stuff around the house triggers me everyday. Sometimes I wish he would just pick it all up and leave, other times I weep because it is attached to a good memory or the last time I saw him he was in that bed etc. Or I wish he wanted what we had, but I think he has forgotten just how close and in love we were. It sucks bigtime.

I wish I had a ****ty memory.

1) I meant time to feel better and heal. I can't see how I could feel better and heal by next week.

2) Divine Intervention would at least offer me a course of action that seemed more, special than the usual, scrape the other person out of your life and eventually just replace them. Ugh... so contrary to how I feel and operate.

3)There is no legal separation in Canada.

And yes, I am aware that screwing everything that moves has consequences. If LS has taught me nothing else in the thousands of threads that I have read, it is that screwing everything that moves, no matter what fluffy feelings you might get from it, becomes a very negative thing, and quicker than you expect.

Ironically Option #4 that you provided is what I have been accused of for six years anyhow. That I just want to be the boss of the family, strip him of rights, have him beg me or something.

In actuality, it was the #1 thing I never wanted. I am not an "in charge" person. I couldn't even fire people that really, really deserved it when we ran the business together. He doesn't want to manage this family (doesn't want to have to listen to my perspective I think) and doesn't want me to manage it. So, look how well it is managed. Or some kind of intermittent management.

He seems to run his life in a way that is like, "okay, this is my spot and my job. Save my spot until I get back, whenever that may be. It might not be for awhile. Then when I get back, no matter how long that has been, move over right away."

I mean, I am even saving his spot at my work right now. That was his job. Every day I go in and there's [his initials] and name all over the place. When it's a good day with us, I love to see it. I am like, "ah, M, I like that guy." Then other days I am like, "Where is M? I am so crushed. I just would M would phone me or text me."

It's rarely. "Oh, M! I am so pissed off at M!" It is very very rarely that.

I get accused of it all of the time. "You resent me being here. You're always angry with me, always criticizing." ****. It's wearing. Very hard to take. Truth is, when I see him function to a point of being able to make all of these other decisions for himself and getting a car for himself and bunches of money, yeah I get VERY frustrated with him when I don't see anywhere near the same effort to have our family. He just expects me to sit idly by while he comes, goes (which he blames me for), works, doesn't, drinks (which again he blames me for) and largely ignores how I feel while often outright insulting me. And I am supposed to get that I am things like a "****ing bitch." Ugh. I hate this stuff.

I have become very reactive to things. I do have things that I have done. I don't think it really compares to the overall pattern of behaviour though. But it isn't a race. It's not a competition.

I often feel that the stuff he wants me to "take ownership of" is largely because he doesn't believe he is truly part of the problem. And if I would "just back off" he would be fine. I know he can stay sober for a time. For sure. But the longest time he was sober is when we got together. So saying that I cause his drinking stuff is just ridiculous. If you looked at a graph of when he drank/screwed around etc. if anything, I would be looked at as a correlating, stabilizing factor.

April 5, 2015

This is a quote that has probably been shared a thousand times on these boards and elsewhere, but it's worth keeping in mind, and it's one that I keep coming back to when things look bleak.

"Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." - John Lennon

So hang in there. You will get through this. And, yes, it will take time. But sooner or later the bad days will outnumber the good days until you have so many more good days you will barely be able to remember the days like this. Keep moving forward, keep focusing on your family (yes - you and your child are a family, and quite worthy of the definition) and keep reminding yourself that this feeling is temporary.

Sorry, I am an optimist in general. But we all know what happened to John Lennon. And that was not okay.

Sigh, IS this feeling temporary? I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.

April 5, 2015

Here is how you gain control. Remove all the "HE's" from this post, and focus on the "I's. You can only control you own self.

1. Stop eating the cookies, and fill the empty hole with something better.

I will get cream-filled fruit truffles today. Kidding.

2. Let Dot accept him as he is, and let go of all expectations, and you can never be abandoned again (as you have no expectations for him to be there for you - since his history is a fairly decent predictor, you can count on that).

Yes, I know. I really did think he would actually go to treatment. I really thought he would reach out to go for help. Instead he told me, "I am not doing this your way, the wrong way. I am going to sober up and do this my way." This was after I asked him to go to where they locally treat alcohol issues. It wasn't "my way" it was the way people generally get well. And SMART meetings. He did... well. ..he did neither. He did sober up, but he just isn't really "there" even when he has been here. And now he's not even "here." ****.

So he, at this point, isn't serious about treatment. Duh. Isn't really serious about fixing whatever. Just floating. Or setting himself up for his great, individual life while he avoids both me and our five year-old under the guise that he has to avoid me. Whereas if it was REALLY about avoiding ME, he could easily draft something where there are neutral dropoffs and pickups like her dayhome, we wouldn't have even had to cross paths. I am not suggesting this now (DUH!) but that would have been how adults solve problems. Just seems like he is racing towards death and self-pity. Arg.

3. Let Dot accept him as he is, and give up the prospect of him ever changing him, and completely embrace that she can only change her response to his conduct, and that is all there is possible to do.

Yes, I get it. He's, well, not present. I guess I've got to start treating it like he died. The only way that should change is if he were to show me he's "alive" and by "alive" I also mean making a commitment to actually living. Like, doing behaviours that encourage being alive. Like, not drinking, not vanishing, becoming more personally aware etc. IOW, I know this is unlikely. I just do. So for now, I have to carry on like he died. Because in a big way, he did. He's choosing death right now. ****.

4. As long as you, Dot hang onto this hope or dream of what "could be," or "what was," you are unavailable for what "can be" in the future. Your future, if you allow it to unfold without clinging to the past, might hold a wonderful surprise for you and your lovely daughter, and certainly, the door would be open, then, to less dysfuntional types, or better still - a very functional partner or mate, if you let them in.

I can't see it. I guess I am a little too realistic for my own tastes. I am an obese 32 year old single Mom. Who actually doesn't want to "replace" my husband. Even if I can't be with him, I don't want to drown out what good we did have by dishonouring it with a new mate. There. That's my thing. I just have a big issue surrounding this stuff. I stay loyal to memories even. I just do. It's in my nature. My parents, (ironically) impressed upon me, "one life, one mate" It stuck with me. A LOT more than I realized. It was why I was reluctant to marry someone who had been a child of divorce. Clearly, they would see by example that life could easily have more than one mate. My parents, despite their dysfunctional issues, have been together for about 40 years. My father is an alcoholic. My mother his codependent. But I actually think that they love one another. I am not a rugsweeper like my Mom though. I often think that's the real problem. If I just rugswept, things would have been calm and quiet. And I would have been unhappy. He probably still would have disappeared but probably not quite so much.

It would even be different if he had died. Because then it would be like he would want well for me. But his actions here show that he doesn't. It shows me that he doesn't think much of me or about me at all. He'd rather just avoid me. Microcosm if my childhood being re-enacted. "You just aren't enough to get my attention, now let me drink in peace."

5. No one can say you didn't give it your best shot with this man. Go back and read how many issues and drama he has dragged you through. You have a child. You have to focus on her consistency now.

Thanks, I know. I couldn't really handle to do anything more. That's not to say I "couldn't have done more." Sure I could have. But he just wasn't going to meet me partway. Not really. If I said, "look I will do 95% of the work, you just have to do the other 5%" he would likely respond like, "Why do I have to do 5%? Why don't you just take care of it yourself? Why do we have to even talk about 5%?" At one point he realized why he never keeps agreements between us. I think it was a hard pill for him to swallow. He said he realized that when he made a compromise, that it meant that he lost something. Regardless of the fact that it was for our relationship. If he had to give 5%, it means that he lost 5% of his autonomy. So he would just agree and do whatever else he wanted to anyway. Same type of mentality that would get him to take the rent money. Or "his half" of the rent money. Or whatever. One time, he took my grandmother's birthday money to me. That was last year. He paid it back. But only after I asked.

****.

6. Accepting him for who he is, means that he is not father material, nor proper husband material, period. End of story. Just let him go do his thing, and get lost, and be done with him, other than when he wishes yo make a visit to daughter.

I don't like to say that someone isn't "husband or father material." He isn't making husband or father choices right now.

7. Construct your "Vision Board," and make it happen. This is your secret to success. You are s very smart woman, DOT. Get yourself out of this pity-party, and forward march to a better future where there is no dope, drugs, porn, or whatever mental issues. Where the word "abandonment" doesn't exist - because you are whole by yourself, and need no one to "complete you."

Go get em' Tiger......

Your Yas

I have goals and things. It's just that much harder on one income and all of the expenses I have to carry myself now.

He's sent me $45 this month so far. I know that it isn't far into the month, but he only sent me $130 last month. ****.

I make around $2400 at this point.

My rent alone is $1340. Even the church can't help me with that one because my landlord needs cash.

My childcare is $800. My parents did help this time. I don't see it as ongoing. I was hoping to lose that expense next year when she enters Grade 1.

April 5, 2015

Dot, all I see is a codependent woman who won't take charge. It's been going on way too long already. I know it's hard, I know life is rough and I know finances are killing you. That's a bummer. Nobody here thinks it's a walk in the park, but you have to LET GO! He won't change. He had so many chances and so much support from you, and he didn't take it. You're still in the same situation as you were how many years ago!? He's flaky, won't honor your relationship, doesn't see the kid, watches tons of porn, lies about it and about other things, uses drugs, alcohol, won't sleep with you.......I'm so sorry you're clinging to this man. He's not good for you. And for nobody else for that matter. He has no business being in a relationship. He just doesn't have what it takes to be in one. And every other woman on the planet would've lost her patience YEARS ago. One chance, maybe two, or three.......but then it's done. Seriously. What makes you believe in him so much? Why cling to the good memories? There weren't so many, I think, and if I'm wrong, I'm sure they have all been destroyed by the horrible things he's put you through. Sure it takes two to tango, sure you're a nag, but who wouldn't be? You simply don't trust him, and you never will, so LET IT GO! You can't change him and he doesn't want you to. It makes no difference if he's a good guy deep down, or if he thinks he is, or if he wants to be. And I'm not saying he's a BAD person, he's just who he is.......and maybe he suffers being who he is. But that doesn't help you. What does it matter? He ruined you in so many ways. And even though he is a father, he doesn't even see that as a good enough reason to drop all his habits and addictions. That's the ultimate sign that he either doesn't want to be any different, or that he simply can't. At least not long-term. And you need long-term. You and your child need stability. He brings mayhem and pain. He needs to go. And I mean that in the nicest, most caring way possible. You CANNOT allow yourself to "deeply miss him". He doesn't deserve it, and neither do you and your child.

April 5, 2015

I waited for over a year for stbxh to tell me he missed me..or something, geez. But nope, on Thursday he said he was done. So I signed up for on-line dating the very next day and have a date with someone this afternoon. I have had a crush on this fellow for about a month..and I get to meet him today! And maybe it won't go anywhere but that is fine.

I have gone on a "date" now. Not serious, and keeping it low key. It began as a professional relationship, and evolved into a personal one. We have a second date next weekend.

So just curious, how did this go?

April 5, 2015

I have goals and things. It's just that much harder on one income and all of the expenses I have to carry myself now.

He's sent me $45 this month so far. I know that it isn't far into the month, but he only sent me $130 last month. ****.

I make around $2400 at this point.

My rent alone is $1340. Even the church can't help me with that one because my landlord needs cash.

My childcare is $800. My parents did help this time. I don't see it as ongoing. I was hoping to lose that expense next year when she enters Grade 1.

Great responses to my post. The one that clearly needs attention in you "Vision Board." You did write anything substantial there - that is telling.

As for husband's financial contributions, take what you have and can get, and do the best you can. Waste no effort on what he "should" or "could" or is "supposed" to do financially - that focus will take your energy and just keep you in frustration mode. Do what you have to do. Get cheaper rent or move to a different area that is lower cost, turn off cable TV, get rid of cellphone, (or cut it to bare basics or get land-line and a prepaid track phone for emergencies), cut food budget, cut down on the electric, don't go into any store, don't buy anything, grow a garden, build fires instead of using gas, whatever. I, myself, have done most of what is on this list.

Financial stress is not a bar to dreaming, and goal setting. What are your dreams, desires, goals? What contribution do you want to make to the world as a woman starting again single, with daughter by your side? What obstacles are before you, and what is the plan to overcome each one (especially the childhood issue you mentioned)?

I would really like you to focus on your optimistic plan for the future -- rather than live in the past; or be guided or have your life path dictated by past childhood events; or allow yourself to be led-on, only to find disappointment via your expectations.

I also suggest self-Image needs some improvement. Listen to me, Dot, you are a voluptuous, sexy young lady (not an obese 32 year old). If you prefer yourself in a sleeker body image rather than your current voluptuous type - there is an answer for that, and we know what that is. Use, please, the best self-talk possible. You are the most wonderful person, Dot. I have learned so much from you on LS, and I am grateful to you, as you have helped me progress over past years. Do you realize your value?

Look how many responses are generated when you reach out! That is symbol, recognition of your great worth and dedication to helping others in distress on our LS site, for years, of which I'm completely aware, I follow and read most all your posts. Dot, you are a tremendous value as a human being, don't ever forget that. Always use the best terminologies to refer to yourself.

I hope this perspective helps. Kisses to you,

Your Yas

April 5, 2015

Nah, not retarded. Just in love and you have a hopeful/faithful forgiving heart. HE messed this up, he's the retard here. (PC of course too )

It doesn't feel that way at all.

It feels like he just gets to go off, and have lots and lots of fun and I get stuck with the bill.

It always feels like that.

Like he just views me as "getting in the way of his fun."

And now, "nothing is in the way of him having fun."

Like I was just "no fun." But he didn't seem to care if I was having any fun or not. He didn't seem to care if I was comfortable. He just wanted to label me as "unfun."

Even when our marital counselor made it an ASSIGNMENT for us to have fun together. He didn't plan a date for us or anything. We would watch tv together. But he didn't put any energy into planning anything fun for us.

Frankly, neither did I. I often just came up with the energy to go to work, try to get the money together, try to talk to him about stability/feelings/marriage/T or about just whatever news was happening that day.

I never could just relax around him. A large part of that was because I don't believe that he cared about how I felt. Except in the sense that "it made him feel bad."

Why couldn't it just be. "Thanks for sharing with me. I love you."

Even when we did the "John Gray Venus Talks" he would sit and listen and not thank me. It was all like "Why do I have to......?"

Most of the basic marital stuff was "why do I have to.....?" or "why should I have to....? Why can't you just....?"

A lot of it was small stuff that didn't take much energy.

I think that he actually cared about me. But didn't want to put much energy into me because "it was too much" or "what was the point, you're depressing anyway."

I wasn't always. He knew this. He knew that when we were first together, after my getting over my ex we had SO MUCH FUN together. We did. It was awesome. That's why we got married!

His cheating really broke stuff for me. He knows this. He went through my fb posts one day and saw that I used to post happy, positive stuff often right up until I discovered the online stuff. Then it stopped. It really stopped. I stopped cooking for him too.

None of that came back. I kept begging and asking him to go through the process with MC and so forth to see if we even could save it. He would do it for a bit, a few days, a few weeks. And then, he would just say something like, "see, nothing changed, forget it" and disappear.

But stuff would even start to change and he would disappear again. That's part of why I think it is mental illness. It just doesn't make much sense to me.

Unless I needed to be the bad guy so he could cake-eat.

His personality and philosophies remind me of someone else I used to know.

Ugh. I hope things go better than that.

I really actually do deeply love my husband. I do. I talk about the negative because the negative impacts my life the most. It does. I have given up so much. Not because he's some "inconvenient, dead weight" I drag around or whatever. But because it took so much to try to sustain the relationship long enough to try to work on it. It's just so heavy.

He won't forgive me, himself, stop what he is doing or recognize the positive things I had to offer him. He just saw me making a big list of "problems" and didn't seem to think he should have anything to do with the solutions. That there were "too many problems. Oh look at all of these problems."

Yes, THERE ARE PROBLEMS> adults work through these things, manage them and MOVE ON from them.

They say, "yes, you did this, I did this. We aren't going to use it as constant ammo at one another, we are going to MANAGE this and move forward so we can reap the JOY out of life."

But every time I brought up a problem THAT became the problem. The fact that I brought it up! The fact that something upset me was the problem. Not the actual problem itself. The fact that I felt something in response to a crappy behaviour. My feelings and how they were "so often" presented were the problem. It became "How often do I have to hear about your feelings?."

Even when he did let me share my feelings, he'd get super-pissed near the end like, "I've been listening to you share your feelings for 45 minutes now! Can't we do something else!? I need space. Can I be alone now!? Can I relax now!? I listened. I listened for 45 minutes. You said it would be 20 minutes. I did 45! It only makes me feel bad! Listening to your feelings about what I didn or didn't do only makes me feel bad and I got to feel bad for 45 minutes!"

I rarely got chunks of 45 minutes. Like maybe once every few weeks.

This argument was the most pervasive one in our entire relationship.

The one where I wanted to talk and he didn't. Didn't want to have to hear about it. And I did take my license. If he let me talk. I talked. I talked until it didn't hurt anymore. Then he let me know what a pain in the ass it was to have to do that. To have to listen to me.

I think he spent six years just hoping I would shut up about all of it and never bother him again with anything. Even though he did not do 95% of what would be needed to help one move on from the pain of infidelity. Starting with: stopping the behaviour that crushed me so badly and made me think I was unlovable to begin with.

You know how we BS's always say we want "the truth." We do. We also want to be reminded that we are lovable. That we are special in some way. Because that's what got taken away by the infidelity to begin with.

I know "rationally" that the one who cheats has the problem. But it NEVER feels that way. It feels like the one person that saw you as special and lovable changed their mind enough to throw that all away. And now they are irritated that they would have to explain why.

It's so retarded. Even after all the BS and crap and garbage I went through. I still see him as special and lovable.

So what was so wrong with me that I wasn't when I hadn't done anything remotely awful like that. (Although he seems to suggest I have at times).

Is there something just inherently unattractively awful about the person I am that I didn't deserve loyalty or even consideration or sex within the marriage I was in for ten years?

Something that I can't necessarily see and that no one will say because we are supposed to say these platitudes to one another to make each other feel better.

Like we tell young women they are attractive. But what about the unattractive ones? Or we tell short guys with tiny penises that they can find true love and someone that's attracted to them. And that's *TRUE* but the part that we don't seem to acknowledge is that it may be ten times most challenging for them> Maybe their target market isn't what we present it as.

Maybe "all men" will never find me lovable, attractive or worth considering.

Maybe my I am a "stopping ground" for someone that just wants to have a bit of fun and crash for awhile. But they won't *SAY* that.

Maybe my target market is so small that it would be better to fold and be realistic. That maybe my marriage isn't working because, well, there is something inherently unlovable about me. And maybe "I'm be good at fishing" or something. Something else other than being loved.

Maybe my husband just spent 6 additional years feeling guilty about having married someone unlovable and was only trapped by the guilt of having done so. Maybe he just wanted to get married to feel lovable and special to someone. Maybe he just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe he just hates my guts. And this whole addiction thing is because the guilt is destroying him and now there's a kid involved.

Maybe the problem actually is ME and he has such poor coping skills and boundaries that he can't really stand by eviscerating me that way. So every now and then the truth pops out. He doesn't want me at all. He just doesn't. And why can't "I" move on instead of believing that things will get better. That he's ill and doesn't mean it. If he "didn't mean it" wouldn't he have changed something by now.

Maybe, deep down, I don't occupy this special little place in his heart. Maybe I just make him feel guilty and he hates me for that. Maybe he's sick of feeling guilty. And just sick of "failing me" even though I just wanted him to be happy with me.

Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 5, 2015