I Deeply Miss My Husband

[dreamingoftigers]

DoT,

 

I'm so sorry for all that man has put you through.

It actually pains me to imagine what it's like to walk in your shoes.

 

You have always shown that you're a smart and caring woman and you deserve so much better.

 

You're so strong - you have dealt with so much stuff that I would have walked out on from the getgo and I truly do believe it is your dedication and your selflessness and strength that is so amazing.

 

I know you miss those special things - those sweet things that meant that you mattered to him, those sweet things that you shared, and I completely understand that - but in your post you listed so many more painful things he has dumped on you.

 

It's normal and ok to miss the good things, but you have to remind yourself that those things don't happen that often and they haven't happened in a long time.

 

And don't blame yourself for the lack of it now - he's an addict, he has his own demons and his own screwed up priorities. You've stood by him when a lot of other women would have walked, you tried your best to bring out the good and put up with the crap, but at the end of the day, it's all his poor choices that's doing this now.

 

And I know that just because it's more his fault - that doesn't take away the pain you feel, I get that and it's sad.

 

You sound like a great mom, even if you say that you're not with T as much as you should be - you still think 'how can I give her a great day?!' - you're a great mom and I hope that knowledge helps make your day a little better.

 

I don't have a solution, just a big HUG

 

I feel for you, and I have such admiration for your strength, you deserve so much better DoT.

 

**HUGS**

 

Thanks TC.

 

I saw that you wrote to me a little while ago.

 

I didn't know what to say at the time.

 

Sometimes, as of late, my brain just gets so fogged up, the stress eats at me, I lose full days.

 

I just don't know what to think anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks TC.

 

I saw that you wrote to me a little while ago.

 

I didn't know what to say at the time.

 

Sometimes, as of late, my brain just gets so fogged up, the stress eats at me, I lose full days.

 

I just don't know what to think anymore.

 

I think he just sees it as a lack of motivation and self-pity.

 

And manipulation. Me being hurt is manipulation. Figure that one out.

[TigerCub]

Thanks TC.

 

I saw that you wrote to me a little while ago.

 

I didn't know what to say at the time.

 

Sometimes, as of late, my brain just gets so fogged up, the stress eats at me, I lose full days.

 

I just don't know what to think anymore.

 

OMG no worries.

When I wrote to you I had no idea that all this was going on even.

 

You're going through a lot. Do what you gotta do for you and T, and I hope that everything turns out for the best.

 

All one day @ a time.

 

Take care

(((DoT)))

[TigerCub]

I think he just sees it as a lack of motivation and self-pity.

 

And manipulation. Me being hurt is manipulation. Figure that one out.

 

Oyi....

I was never a fan TBH

 

He's doing anything to turn it around on you.

Oh god forbid that you are visibly mentally and physically negatively affected by his horrible actions!

 

How dare you have emotions and react like a normal human being?!

The nerve on you DoT!!

 

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you had PTSD from all that you've been through.

 

I know it's hard to pull yourself out of a dark hole, but please try to take care of yourself and do positive things. It will make a difference, no matter how small.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oyi....

I was never a fan TBH

 

He's doing anything to turn it around on you.

Oh god forbid that you are visibly mentally and physically negatively affected by his horrible actions!

 

How dare you have emotions and react like a normal human being?!

The nerve on you DoT!!

 

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you had PTSD from all that you've been through.

 

I know it's hard to pull yourself out of a dark hole, but please try to take care of yourself and do positive things. It will make a difference, no matter how small.

 

I know that I do. I wish that I could afford more EMDR therapy.

[TigerCub]

I know that I do. I wish that I could afford more EMDR therapy.

 

I just looked up EMDR therapy - it seems like mostly psychologists do that - so yeah that would cost a lot, but are there no psychiatrists that do?

cuz then you could get a referral to a psychiatrist and (even though it might take a year or so to finally get in) - it wouldn't cost you anything, would it?

[TigerCub]

I just looked up EMDR therapy - it seems like mostly psychologists do that - so yeah that would cost a lot, but are there no psychiatrists that do?

cuz then you could get a referral to a psychiatrist and (even though it might take a year or so to finally get in) - it wouldn't cost you anything, would it?

 

I just read a more thorough description of the different sessions - it sounds actually kinda complex and involved.

 

Also I got the sense that it addresses 1 particular bad thing - but if the person causing these bad things is still around causing new bad things, then wouldn't you just end up needing an endless amount of sessions?

 

I am the first to admit, that I don't know anything except what I just read, so, sorry if I didn't get it quite right.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just read a more thorough description of the different sessions - it sounds actually kinda complex and involved.

 

Also I got the sense that it addresses 1 particular bad thing - but if the person causing these bad things is still around causing new bad things, then wouldn't you just end up needing an endless amount of sessions?

 

I am the first to admit, that I don't know anything except what I just read, so, sorry if I didn't get it quite right.

 

He's not around. That's actually an odd triggery part of the problem.

 

I have a huge abandonment trigger. Before my first EMDR sessions, it was much worse.

 

I wish we both could have had EMDR. Lots of it.

 

And yes it costs. IDK about a Psychiatrist. I kind of doubt it. They are more the drug end of things. But I could look into it. It's a smart idea.

 

I am having a deep crisis of faith too.

 

I have so many mixed-up feelings over this it is hard to sort them all out and pick a direction.

 

I just am on the edge. Very much so.

 

Not a suicidal edge or like that. I don't have that issue anymore thank God (and EMDR).

 

Just feel like if I could just get laid a million times OR have a million dollars to get us both diagnosed and EMDRed all the way to Hell and back that it would be fine if he left or stayed or whatever.

 

I am just . . . . . stuck and broke and depressed and no fun.

 

Which is ironically all of the things he complained about. Trapped, broke, no fun.

 

So, if you think about it, he can now be spontaneous have more money and more fun. But it's kind of a set-up for me.

 

I chose to work instead of panhandle anymore and so less money, more scheduled, I chose to be here so I am not trapped etc.

 

But a rental like this is going to feel like a cage with a moody bitch after being on the street for 15 years and doing all the stuff he did to our relationship. Ironic again, a microcosm of his childhood. Trapped in a no-fun home with a moody bitch he "had to take care of" and grew to resent.

 

However, in this case, he actually behaved so "out there" as set this up this cycle. If he would have really, consistently listened to what was needed, and for how long etc. we would have been well past the infidelity stuff. I am flexible, forgiving etc.

 

He just asked me a month ago "how could I ever get past the fact that I betrayed you?" (As in he betrayed me). I said, "you get past it, you move forward."

 

I realized after that, that he also grew up in a grudge-holding, unforgiving home where they only wanted him around when he was reflecting well on them. In fact his step-father did not want to adopt him after some poor behaviour. I can't imagine the rejection.

 

I know he sees this the same way. Like I "only want him around if he's perfect and I will nag him until he is."

 

If it was just ME living here, I probably would have made different moves. But with T, I can't just say, "okay go drink, come home, sleep it off, DT and then spend the next two days being a miserable prick to everyone." It's not fair to her or me.

 

There were a lot of things that just got so much worse after the infidelity. I saw so so so much as just pure disrespect. His way of showing me just how much I didn't matter. Then he would be nice to my face, and disrespect me behind my back. UGH.

 

UGH. I don't want to go through this anymore. But being left here, by myself, to single-parent and practically sole-support is a constant sentence, a constant reminder that just one more person found me not good enough. Not lovable. No matter what I did, it would only be seen as a ploy to control, manipulate, hurt and make the other person feel ridiculously bad.

 

And it wasn't just any other person. It was my husband. The way I hear him talk about me, when he does talk about me, is like I just live to make him miserable, when I was trying to help free him from the cage of his own making.

 

He sits in this cell of addiction, self-loathing, and self-destruction and wouldn't use any of the keys that I went so far out to lay at his feet. Because he didn't trust me. Because he didn't want us enough. And because he thinks the cell is freedom as it destroys him. I have seen his mental processes degrade so much in the last five years, just so much. I just can't stand to watch him slowly kill himself. I wish that there were better options for addicts and their families besides cognitive programs.

 

I was so scared at one point that I asked him if he died, would he mind if I talked to him kinda like he was still here and like he cared for me still. Because I somewhat believe that if there is an afterlife, that we become perhaps a little more knowledgeable and forgiving of our lifetime associates. He said it was fine. He wasn't bothered by that or anything.

 

I wish I could just do something. But I can't and everything everywhere keeps telling me that. Even free agency in my church, no bullying of choices and so forth, not that I want that.

 

I can't believe just how much I am rambling. I always ramble on here when we are separated and I think it will last forever.

 

I know this relationship is toxic (duh). I know that eventually my brain will push me forward into healing whether I want to or not. Whether I am scared to or not. And I have a really cute little girl. Real cute. So proud of her. And little by little I will just move on. Whether I want to or not.

[Lurkeraspect]

Hi DoT,

 

I feel a bit of an azz for PMing you earlier, not having seen this thread.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can understand your reluctance toward divorce. My ex and I divorced after almost 30 years together, and our marriage wasn't anything like the hell you're living through.

 

Hang in there please and just love that baby up.

[kenmore]

Dot, I definitely don't want to play down what you're feeling, especially since I am feeling it too, but you are having a bad day. I am too, and it just happens to be the same f*cking day! It may have something to do with the fact that tomorrow's Easter, or the fact that I just saw her yesterday for the first time in months. I know you just wish you could see him. If you did and then he just left again, it would not be an improvement, trust me!!

 

By the middle of next week, we will most likely be back to our miserable-but-getting-by selves. It's good that you are pouring your heart out here and getting support. I can't read it because I'm just feeling too dreadful. I just want you to know that I care, and I hurt for you too in this rotten time!

 

It's so hard to look forward to any fun or future. When my first wife died, I was in such a low state. I honestly believe our family business failed because of me and my lack of ability to function (don't tell my family.) I could not imagine a life where I was happy again, and now look at what I'm lamenting! The loss of my second happy relationship! Looking back now, I can't even place myself in the grief I was feeling then, because I just spent years in faux bliss.

 

And I know it can happen again.

 

Also, as I believe it was lgspot said, stepfathers can be awesome! I know, I am an awesome one too! I love my stepdaughter as I love my blood daughter. That is another reason this breakup is so painful. I have reached out to her more than seven times since September, and while she always responds with niceness, I don't get the emotion from her like she cares if I talk to her or not, but I know she's young, and just doesn't get it yet. I know there will come a day when she will suddenly realize how much she loves me, and I want to be in communication with her when that day comes. That will most likely be in about eight years. So I'll keep in touch.

 

Obviously I can't know what he's doing or thinking, but I know what you're thinking, and it's too painful for me tonight. Another hug, it's all I can offer.

 

Ken

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi DoT,

 

I feel a bit of an azz for PMing you earlier, not having seen this thread.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can understand your reluctance toward divorce. My ex and I divorced after almost 30 years together, and our marriage wasn't anything like the hell you're living through.

 

Hang in there please and just love that baby up.

 

I thought you PMed me because of this thread LOL

[Furious]

DOT

 

Do you realize what a gem you are. You write beautifully, your essence comes across and you're a lovely and intelligent woman who is unique.

 

As I see it, you miss what could have been. But...but...it's really about today, and tomorrow and not about yesterday. We cannot change the past or change the people we love. We can only change how we deal with it.

 

Your daughter is a gift, give her the gift of a happy mother who despite the past builds a good future for the both of you.

 

Often, people only feel love if it comes from someone else, the truth is, not until you love yourself can you filter through those that take your love for granted.

 

DOT...get off the hamster wheel of what could have been, and begin taking tiny...not so tiny...and bigger than tiny steps..until those steps becomes strides.

 

The past does not define you....it can drag you down if you let it. You're smart and loving and beautiful. That's the truth!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT

 

Do you realize what a gem you are. You write beautifully, your essence comes across and you're a lovely and intelligent woman who is unique.

 

As I see it, you miss what could have been. But...but...it's really about today, and tomorrow and not about yesterday. We cannot change the past or change the people we love. We can only change how we deal with it.

 

Your daughter is a gift, give her the gift of a happy mother who despite the past builds a good future for the both of you.

 

Often, people only feel love if it comes from someone else, the truth is, not until you love yourself can you filter through those that take your love for granted.

 

DOT...get off the hamster wheel of what could have been, and begin taking tiny...not so tiny...and bigger than tiny steps..until those steps becomes strides.

 

The past does not define you....it can drag you down if you let it. You're smart and loving and beautiful. That's the truth!!!

 

Thanks Furious.

 

The last one is a stretch though. A big stretch. Damn Girl Guide cookies.

 

At least we are 2/7ths on the way to a cookie badge.

[Art_Critic]

Ahhh dot .... Not sure what advice I can offer other than to tell you how great you are....*****hugsz****

[dreamingoftigers]

Ahhh dot .... Not sure what advice I can offer other than to tell you how great you are....*****hugsz****

 

Thanks.

 

I think we all know that no one can tell me anything

 

I just don't get why he won't respond to T at all.

 

That's so damn sad.

 

Each day I waver between: is it drugs or another girl.

 

Maybe it's drugs with another girl. Maybe it doesn't have to be all "mutally exclusive."

[BetrayedH]

Time to get off this hamster wheel, indeed.

 

And you may not have any interest in men now. But I bet that'll change (I hear you doubting me, by the way) and I bet it'll change faster than you think.

 

And some of us step-Dad-types aren't too shabby.

 

But none of that starts until you make a break. I don't get a vote in your life but if I did, it'd be that enough is now enough.

[lgspot]

Thanks.

 

I think we all know that no one can tell me anything

 

I just don't get why he won't respond to T at all.

 

That's so damn sad.

 

Each day I waver between: is it drugs or another girl.

 

Maybe it's drugs with another girl. Maybe it doesn't have to be all "mutally exclusive."

When/if it is drugs, everything else becomes secondary.

Even daughters and wives.

I've been there. SECONDARY IS NO FUN!!!!

It also intensifies depression.

[dreamingoftigers]

When/if it is drugs, everything else becomes secondary.

Even daughters and wives.

I've been there. SECONDARY IS NO FUN!!!!

It also intensifies depression.

 

No kidding.

 

one night he was coming over here, he got all the way here and then said he lost hope looking at the light on in the window and we didn't answer right away. I think I was in the washroom and didn't hear anything.

 

He went back to where he was staying and drank a bunch more.

 

I was confused because he was three minutes away and had told T he would be there, so then he came out again. But I didn't know he had been drinking. Ugh. I asked if he was intoxicated and he said no.

 

Then I said, honestly, if you hadn't been shaking earlier, I would have thought you were drinking. He said, "oh I've been drinking, but I didn't consider it 'intoxicated.'" ???

 

There's been so many instances where he has messed with his brain chemistry and doctors have prescribed very messy meds for brain chemistry in the last six years that who knows what is up anymore.

 

He's been on Stratera, Dexedrine, which he got hooked on and took a bunch of mine. Vyvanse. Wellbutrin a bit for depression. Percocets for his slipped disk.

Gabapentin. OxyNeos. 5HTPS. SamE. He has drank. I found Cialis. And I think another one for ADD. Plus he has watched a TON of porn. Which does mess with brain chem. Don't argue with me guys, I will post links. Basically, all drugs take a toll on brain or liver and that's quite a toll over six years. Most of these were prescribed. Except, obvious booze and porn. And MY Dexedrine after he had his own prescription. That's all I can think of for now.

 

But I don't think it is just ADD, so doing ADD/ADHD treatment seemed at times to unbalance him more. I honestly suspect PTSD/Bipolar or PTSD/BPD.

 

Heavy-duty whatever it is.

 

Jeez.

 

Or, maybe he is just fine and he hates my guts. Maybe it's just that. He really just hates my guts.

[lgspot]

 

Heavy-duty whatever it is.

 

Jeez.

 

Or, maybe he is just fine and he hates my guts. Maybe it's just that. He really just hates my guts.

Whatever it is, I don't believe it is you, nor does he hate your guts.

He is staying away from T too.

He is his problem.

Please take care of you...

[dreamingoftigers]

Time to get off this hamster wheel, indeed.

 

And you may not have any interest in men now. But I bet that'll change (I hear you doubting me, by the way) and I bet it'll change faster than you think.

 

And some of us step-Dad-types aren't too shabby.

 

But none of that starts until you make a break. I don't get a vote in your life but if I did, it'd be that enough is now enough.

 

Just in case no one picked up on it,

 

My emotions are like scrambled eggs right now.

 

So yeah, the topic of "maybe in the future there will be a male and you might like him more than a friend" is just......so beyond my emotional comprehension right now.

 

I hate to think it but there are three things that would probably straighten my head out a little right now.

 

1. Time (yay, I need to wait stuff out, again, yay......)

2. Lots of prayer and listening to the impressions of the Holy Spirit and maybe I won't include swear words in my prayers.

3. Getting laid. Getting laid by someone I won't ever have to look in the eye again just to give me a boost. Just try to distract myself from my husband. Just try to pretend the almost ten years I had with my husband meant nothing. Because they meant something to me. Just screw all of that pain away. It might take my headache and stomach cramps away while I am at it.

 

Hah. So, I think given the rather divergent nature of where my thoughts and feelings are, I think I best just not try number 3. I am not really a number 3 person. I would probably just end up sitting there crying about how I miss the time my husband kissed me overlooking the ocean in Newfoundland. Yeah, the ultimate cock-block there. Then I would be all ashamed, feel like I cheated, have to talk to my Bishop about it. Ugh. I do miss physical intimacy though. It's been since September.

 

So time. I hate time. I've lost so much of it.

Which leaves prayer. And we all know how much God loves to be Plan B.

 

Brilliant. I kinda hate myself tonight. Not brave enough to screw. Not brave enough to block him out and shut down the joint bank account. Not kind enough to say a bunch of prayers for all of our wellness. Just annoyed and hurt enough to ramble on LS tonight.

[lgspot]

3. Getting laid. Getting laid by someone I won't ever have to look in the eye again just to give me a boost. Just try to distract myself from my husband. Just try to pretend the almost ten years I had with my husband meant nothing. Because they meant something to me. Just screw all of that pain away. It might take my headache and stomach cramps away while I am at it

.

Funny. There's a song titled, "F*** the Pain Away." Its by a singer called Peaches, I believe an ex-teacher.

I've tried that idea. Its only temporary, but good exercise... lol

 

 

Although I can't speak for GOD, in this case, I don't think he would mind being Plan "B".

And keep coming to LS. You help a lot of people.

Edited April 5, 2015 by lgspot

[KBarletta]

Like it's a life sentence now.

 

Going from being "married" and having my husband here to now, without much choice or anything that I get, I now get sentenced with "divorce" or "permanent separation."

 

Even if I got together with someone in the future, it would be T's stepfather, not father.

 

I mean, she just lost a tooth which was super-cute. Just a cute little baby tooth. And now, that moment, would have been awesome to share with my husband. He was great about little moments. She also got her first Sparks badges in the last week. And has been reading long "Es."

 

A stepfather wouldn't care so much about that. Except in the " oh well that's nice for you and your kid, you're a good Mom" sense. But not like a vested interest. :(

 

It's like I am the only one who has any feelings about this happening. It's so damn lonely. :(

 

DoT, I do feel for you, but I can tell you from personal experience that you shouldn't knock stepfathers. I am one. Though I am the only "father" my daughter has known, I didn't come into her life for good until she was 3. She knows I am not her "real" father but I love her more than anyone in my life, and she loves me just the same. Every little moment with her like the one you described is pure joy to me. So stepfathers can be awesome. Trust me!

[BetrayedH]

DoT,

 

You're allowed to mourn, to grieve, to miss your lost husband, and to be emotional.

 

And then you gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take action toward putting a life together for you and your daughter. And for the sake of both of you, it shouldn't be one that includes letting some drunken, drugged, and mostly absent guy come in and out of the house pretending to be a husband and father.

 

Your daughter is young enough that she can handle the transition. Younger children adapt to changes, including divorce, much better than older children. Waiting does her no favors. But what's key is stability. There is no stability now. And frankly, it's doing you no good either.

 

I don't know the laws in The Great White North, but you gotta somehow get legally separated, get exclusive use of the marital home, set-up a process whereby he can request supervised visitation with his daughter, separate your finances, and move towards divorce. In the past, I've just been angry for you. For the first time, I'm scared for you. The status quo is slowly killing you. And for the sake of you and your daughter, you can't go any lower.

 

I'm afraid I don't like any of the three choices you listed.

1) No more delays. You don't need time for jack.

2) Sorry, I'm just not religious and even if I was, I wouldn't count on divine intervention.

3) Well, you know how that route ends up. In my opinion, get legally separated and then I don't think anyone can judge you. Just watch those emotional break-down cock-blocks. You can have one but that's it.

 

I'm suggesting option #4: DoT takes charge. Husband's judgment can no longer be trusted to care for the family and DoT is now the exclusive decision-maker and the "Boss" of the family. DoT takes steps to detach from toxic Husband and set up a stable environment for her daughter. Husband can visit his daughter when DoT decides H has his proverbial stuff together well enough that it'll do more good than harm. It ain't up to H.

[KBarletta]

This is a quote that has probably been shared a thousand times on these boards and elsewhere, but it's worth keeping in mind, and it's one that I keep coming back to when things look bleak.

 

"Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." - John Lennon

 

So hang in there. You will get through this. And, yes, it will take time. But sooner or later the bad days will outnumber the good days until you have so many more good days you will barely be able to remember the days like this. Keep moving forward, keep focusing on your family (yes - you and your child are a family, and quite worthy of the definition) and keep reminding yourself that this feeling is temporary.

[KBarletta]

I'm suggesting option #4: DoT takes charge.

 

YES, BetrayedH! +1