Only 22% of relationships started while both are 25 or younger will last, so relax.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't want this alone to overwhelm another thread but if I did this math right then things are both grim and hopeful for our under 25 crowd. Many young people are driven to such angst over not having found their soulmate or special person or that one who will love them for a large part of their life if not to the end yet.

 

Here are some facts that I hope give perspective.

 

Only 22% of relationships starting at traditional college age will last the test of time.

 

By last I mean make it to being married and not divorce.

 

This is where I get my statistics

 

 

• 60% of marriages for people under 25 end in divorce.
   
  
• 65 % of all altar bound men and women lived together before getting married.
   
  
• 55 percent of cohabitating couples get married within five years of moving in together. Forty percent of couples who live together break up within that same time period.
   
  
• After five years of cohabitation only 21% of couples were still living together.
  

 

Those are the observed facts.

 

If 55% living together for about five years get married, and 40% married under 25 don't get divorced then the number of those under 25 who lived together before getting married who will make it is 0.55*0.4 = 0.22 or 22%

 

If we count the people who got married after living together for a relatively short time, a very common thing these days it is 0.65*0.4=0.26. 26% will make it in the long haul.

 

22% of the relationships those under 25 engage in will last the test of time only counting those who get married and stay married. Counting those who don't get married it is more like 8%.

 

In the long run do not take the relationships you see at your age so seriously. Be serious in your own relationship, you may be one of about 1/4 of relationships that will make it...but there is a 3/4 or 75% chance you will not be no matter what you do.

 

So relax

 

You are young, and strong and there is so much more life ahead of you. At 25 or even 30 life has just barely began for real. Have fun, date, learn about yourself and who you are in a relationship context. See yourself at your relationship best and worst. If in the process you make it work great, if not that's ok too. Learn your boundaries and what you'll take. Learn how far you will go. Learn what you really want not some ideal. Learn what you're willing to put up with in return.

[carhill]

When I was that age it seemed like everyone was married (in fact, everyone I knew personally to any depth was!) and I was indoctrinated in a 'lifer' family and went to a 'get married and stay married' religious school. What could be worse for battling with statistics than that?

 

Down the road of life, from personal statistics, I find those in your post to be even a bit optimistic.

 

My parents were marred for life but didn't marry young. My mom was 31 and dad 37.

 

Best friend's daughter got married at 18 and is still married 25 years later

 

ExW's sister got married at 16 to her 17yo boyfriend and they're still married 35 years later and are grandparents a couple times over.

 

One of their (ExW's sis and H) daughters, the youngest, took up with a med school student in college, stayed with him, finally getting married when in their late 20's after he finished his education and AFAIK, they're still together about ten years now. That marriage crossed cultures and not without some friction so there was that aspect as well.

 

The rest are various anecdotes of parents I knew as a youngster who happened to still live in the same neighborhood and whom I interacted with while caregiving, not having seen them in years, and finding them to be living in their twilight years or recently losing their spouses to death but remaining married for life.

 

If I had a grandson or granddaughter, I wouldn't be focusing much on relationships lasting, rather having as healthy a life and relationships as possible and recognizing that nearly every aspect of life is transitory. It's always moving and changing and, along with it, relationships. Some last, some don't and it's impossible to know how it's going to go, so don't worry about it. Or, as you pointed out, relax.

[Mrlonelyone]

When I was that age it seemed like everyone was married (in fact, everyone I knew personally to any depth was!) and I was indoctrinated in a 'lifer' family and went to a 'get married and stay married' religious school. What could be worse for battling with statistics than that?

 

Down the road of life, from personal statistics, I find those in your post to be even a bit optimistic.

 

My parents were marred for life but didn't marry young. My mom was 31 and dad 37.

 

Best friend's daughter got married at 18 and is still married 25 years later

 

ExW's sister got married at 16 to her 17yo boyfriend and they're still married 35 years later and are grandparents a couple times over.

 

One of their (ExW's sis and H) daughters, the youngest, took up with a med school student in college, stayed with him, finally getting married when in their late 20's after he finished his education and AFAIK, they're still together about ten years now. That marriage crossed cultures and not without some friction so there was that aspect as well.

 

The rest are various anecdotes of parents I knew as a youngster who happened to still live in the same neighborhood and whom I interacted with while caregiving, not having seen them in years, and finding them to be living in their twilight years or recently losing their spouses to death but remaining married for life.

 

So true. I know many FB friends who were couples in high school who are still couples. I know people who got married ten years ago and who still are.

 

They grew together, matured together, made sacrifices together and really did everything or almost everything right the first time they tried.

 

 

If I had a grandson or granddaughter, I wouldn't be focusing much on relationships lasting, rather having as healthy a life and relationships as possible and recognizing that nearly every aspect of life is transitory. It's always moving and changing and, along with it, relationships. Some last, some don't and it's impossible to know how it's going to go, so don't worry about it. Or, as you pointed out, relax.

 

Exactly and I do not mean to invalidate the angst of anyone who is 20, or 25 or even 30 who hasn't made it work yet. I only mean to provide a counter point to the point that is made so much that everyone is in a super serious relationship at such a young age. Many young people are driven to self destruction by their feelings at not attaining that status.

[carhill]

Something I recall from my twenties was that all these issues were so much more dramatic, or felt that way, than they feel now, well down the road of life. Speaking of 'down the road', whoa, my brain lacked a grasp of how much time has indeed passed and that one young couple, the one statistics surely would have predicted doom for, getting married as teenagers because the girl was pregnant, will indeed be married 38 years this year. Whoa....

 

The one thing I noted, and admired, about them was no matter what came their way, and a lot did just while I was in the picture, they faced it as a team and there was no ambiguity about one having the other's back. Perhaps that's one aspect of not playing the field relevant to certain personalities and, if kismet puts those personalities together at a young age, well there ya go.

[preraph]

Good stats. You're right, it is grim. And you're also right that people tend to worry about meeting their prince or princess more at this young age when the odds are so against it working than at other times. They're just still idealistic and don't have enough experience to have realized that the "one" fairytale match for them isn't out there stamping its foot waiting to be found. They've forgotten the "kiss a lot of toads" part. It's nice they still believe in happily ever after, but we all know how rare that is and how much work it entails to achieve.

 

That said, we've probably all seen a whole lot of relationships crash and burn. And I know for myself, the better I know the person in it, the more apparent it is to me it will crash and burn. So it seems like the smiling happy couples you don't know who are putting on a good face can't really be believed either. I've seen more rocky relationships than good ones, by far. I've seen a couple or two I thought would be together forever and then they weren't.

 

I know a couple right now who's been married 30+ years, an old roommate of mine who has every possible issue to keep anyone from being able to stay with her. But he's very grounded where she's not at all grounded, and I knew after her suicide threat a couple of decades ago when she came to me, and I called him, that he was going to stay with her no matter what. He had been with her long enough to see the dark side and just decided the good was worth putting up with the bad. Of course, this was no young union. She'd been engaged to a pompous stalker guy and then married to an abuser before she met her present husband.

 

So it's a crap shoot. I think either both people have to be flexible and compromise, or one has to do all the compromising. People are all over the scale on whether they are leaders or followers or something in between, and I think it's the in betweens that do better at marriage, but the leaders who may do better at a lot of other things, and the followers who may just be happy tumbling along in someone else's wake.

[Mrlonelyone]

Good stats. You're right, it is grim. And you're also right that people tend to worry about meeting their prince or princess more at this young age when the odds are so against it working than at other times. They're just still idealistic and don't have enough experience to have realized that the "one" fairytale match for them isn't out there stamping its foot waiting to be found. They've forgotten the "kiss a lot of toads" part. It's nice they still believe in happily ever after, but we all know how rare that is and how much work it entails to achieve.

 

I am not so old wise yet as to not think that myself. I know they won't just show up but unless I am willing to date someone 35 years younger than me when I am 55 or older everyone I will ever date, or could marry has been born already. So in that sense there is someone out there somewhere who can be married to me. It is just a matter of time and circumstance.

 

The romantic soul mate crap though. That's not it. Like Carhill said, those young couples (and old couples) that make it work have realized that relationships are cooperative. If the two of you can pull in the same direction in life and be really of the same mind about life big issues and goals then it can just work. It is work though.

 

That said, we've probably all seen a whole lot of relationships crash and burn. And I know for myself, the better I know the person in it, the more apparent it is to me it will crash and burn. So it seems like the smiling happy couples you don't know who are putting on a good face can't really be believed either. I've seen more rocky relationships than good ones, by far. I've seen a couple or two I thought would be together forever and then they weren't.

 

Me too. Couples that seemed so solid and steady at 17 didn't last the summer after high school. I also know couples that started in college that are still strong after 5-10 years.

 

I know a couple right now who's been married 30+ years, an old roommate of mine who has every possible issue to keep anyone from being able to stay with her. But he's very grounded where she's not at all grounded, and I knew after her suicide threat a couple of decades ago when she came to me, and I called him, that he was going to stay with her no matter what. He had been with her long enough to see the dark side and just decided the good was worth putting up with the bad. Of course, this was no young union. She'd been engaged to a pompous stalker guy and then married to an abuser before she met her present husband.

 

I have seen that too. There are people who are so alike they go together and there are people who are so different they go together. I have seen both of those work out.

 

 

So it's a crap shoot. I think either both people have to be flexible and compromise, or one has to do all the compromising. People are all over the scale on whether they are leaders or followers or something in between, and I think it's the in between that do better at marriage, but the leaders who may do better at a lot of other things, and the followers who may just be happy tumbling along in someone else's wake.

 

That is also true. Some people just find that kind of a match right off the bat. Others, most of us will not. I am hoping that a look at the numbers will get our angstful youth, any who post or who just find this online think rationally about things. Millennials appreciate hard numbers and facts. Once they know the facts they are as a generation able to be relied on to make a healthy choice for themselves.

 

In short, young adults need to just take this as a guide to the realities of romantic life. You don't necessarily meet the love of your life by 25. You meet people who shape your relationship self and teach you about that part of your self. You learn and grow so that when you are fully mature you can have that relationship. (This is true even if you have "never had a girlfriend or boyfriend" one can learn from watching those that do mess up.)

[xxoo]

Young people have hormones and emotions that burn strong. When I was young, people told me to relax. And now I'm old, and I tell the young ones to relax.

 

But they won't

[Mrlonelyone]

Young people have hormones and emotions that burn strong. When I was young, people told me to relax. And now I'm old, and I tell the young ones to relax.

 

But they won't

 

So true. So long as they dont act out in a self destructive way due to wanting a RLShip. You know, by getting into and awful abusive one just to not be alone or by harming themselves if they can't get that. That happens.

[amyO]

As a 22 year old, thank you for this. I can't tell you how much of my thinking revolves around love and wanting to meet/date a great guy. I find myself comparing who i am and so forth with others. It's easy to feel jealous of those my age that seem to have great relationships while i'm single and have only had failed and small type of Relationships.

 

I know this generation is very different from past generations. My cousins who are 10 years older don't even understand it. At my age, they had all been in a long-term serious relationship and/or were already onto their second one and thinking of marriage. Although there are still typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationships-i know of many more people who have been in "together relationships" or just hookups. I believe it's a little harder today to find a good relationship at a young age now.

 

But no matter the generation, early 20's is still a big period of time for growth and learning more about yourself. So i can see why that statistic might hold true.

 

However, it was uplifting in a sense to see that statistic. For people like myself who havent been in great relationships or are single right now, i think it really puts into perspective how silly it is to worry about meeting the "right one" and if it doesn't happen very soon- we're a lost cause. It actually made me feel a lot better. I'm still very young and happy that i've had the relationships i did, even if they weren't extremely serious or long lasting. They've all shaped me in some way and gave me insight on what i want for myself.

[Mrlonelyone]

I am glad this posting helped out. Those statistics were likely just as true 10 or 20 years ago as now. It is not the times it is just the nature of people. In your early 20's you are still a young person. An adult but a young adult there is still growing and learning to do. Some people meet someone they can grow and learn with and it is a beautiful thing when they do. Most people learn from a series of relationships not working until they get the hang of it. Some people never learn.

[Els]

Most of the relevant stats seem to be taken from studies conducted only in the US, and the conclusion doesn't appear to be the case among the couples I know IRL.

 

That being said, I agree that people should just relax. Is there REALLY that much angst among early 20s kids due to not finding their 'soulmate' yet? I would hope that they DO learn that there is no hurry and that they are perfectly fine... but not because they read a bunch of biased statistics. Rather, because they have learnt to not tie their self esteem and worth to relationships, and are instead focused on living a rich, full life, be it with or without a partner.

[Mrlonelyone]

Most of the relevant stats seem to be taken from studies conducted only in the US, and the conclusion doesn't appear to be the case among the couples I know IRL.

 

That being said, I agree that people should just relax. Is there REALLY that much angst among early 20s kids due to not finding their 'soulmate' yet? I would hope that they DO learn that there is no hurry and that they are perfectly fine... but not because they read a bunch of biased statistics. Rather, because they have learnt to not tie their self esteem and worth to relationships, and are instead focused on living a rich, full life, be it with or without a partner.

 

Pelenty of 20 somethings I know who aren't in Rl ships are desperate to get into and stay in a relationship. They want to get married and they almost don't seem to care to who as long as they get lots of likes on their FB pics with them.

[amyO]

Pelenty of 20 somethings I know who aren't in Rl ships are desperate to get into and stay in a relationship. They want to get married and they almost don't seem to care to who as long as they get lots of likes on their FB pics with them.

 

I totally agree with that last sentence. With social media, a lot of it is about showing off- particularly with relationships. I feel like a lot of people my age are in relationships just to show everyone they're in one instead of being with someone because of love and so forth.

 

Obviously that is not true with everyone, but you do see it a lot.

 

Personally for me, i'm not looking for my "soul-mate," but i'm more scared i Won't meet anyone great and be single for years. I've always had bad self-esteem, but when you see people posting on social media like "i have the best boyfriend" or "love of my life," you start thinking what the hell is wrong with me that i can't seem to find a good guy?

 

You really start to compare yourself to others and it's an awful thing to do.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Sheesh, those odds are daunting. I'm just glad I'm 26 now Yay for statistics working in my favor.

 

(Also my car insurance went down last year )

[kissmybooty]

I bet 21.99999% of those were Indians(Asian Indians). They stay married, no matter what happens. Eg. Erectile dysfunction, cheating, abusing nothing breaks their marriage. Sad reality.

[Mrlonelyone]

I totally agree with that last sentence. With social media, a lot of it is about showing off- particularly with relationships. I feel like a lot of people my age are in relationships just to show everyone they're in one instead of being with someone because of love and so forth.

 

Obviously that is not true with everyone, but you do see it a lot.

 

You know it. They say social media, FB in particular, causes depression if you use it too much since people only post overly positive half truths and out and out lies on it. It almost certainly effects the choices people make too. Find someone who will make a like getting picture.

 

Not everyone does that. Peer pressure is a powerful drug.

 

Personally for me, i'm not looking for my "soul-mate," but i'm more scared i Won't meet anyone great and be single for years. I've always had bad self-esteem, but when you see people posting on social media like "i have the best boyfriend" or "love of my life," you start thinking what the hell is wrong with me that i can't seem to find a good guy?

 

You really start to compare yourself to others and it's an awful thing to do.

 

So all that huggy buggy "oh my boyfriend/girlfriend is so great stuff could be a smoke screen.