Can't take the fakeness of OLD

[SawtoothMars]

It's a real thing, and has nothing to do with shyness. I'm not shy at all, and am actually quite skilled at making others feel comfortable in social situations. I am just drained by social situations far more quickly than an extrovert, thus dozens of coffee dates sound utterly exhausting to me but not to you.

 

I used to be that way too. I used to hate social interaction, but now I love it.

 

So my question is Why does talking to people drain you?

 

I am an introvert and find pointless small talk draining. After I have met 100+ men, I find it hard to feel any excitment at the prospect of another blind date. In fact, I usually can't even make an effort to reply to messages from another random where you repeat the same story for the millionth time: where are you from, what do you do etc etc. I am not sure how other people do it.

 

I also work very long hours and am almost always short on time and/or tired.

 

Holy Crap... I imagine there is this little raincloud that just follows you around all day.

 

I'm usually very excited to meet new people and do new things. A date with you sounds about as fun as a root canal. Maybe the problem is you. Or I suppose it could be the 100+ guys you've been through... but odds are that unless you can roll a dice 100 times and each time get a 1... the best bet is that you are your own problem.

Edited April 8, 2015 by SawtoothMars

[Rejected Rosebud]

Maybe it would work better if you could just develop a little interest in finding out about the other person for an hour instead of just seeing him as a disappointment because he is not the "one" for you again?? I can see how it could get draining and discouraging, I have not done it, but I also don't see how it can be 100% fake and negative, out of over 100 guys there had to be at least a couple who were worth that little amount of your time???

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I used to be that way too. I used to hate social interaction, but now I love it.

 

So my question is Why does talking to people drain you?

 

 

 

Holy Crap... I imagine there is this little raincloud that just follows you around all day.

 

I'm usually very excited to meet new people and do new things. A date with you sounds about as fun as a root canal. Maybe the problem is you. Or I suppose it could be the 100+ guys you've been through... but odds are that unless you can roll a dice 100 times and each time get a 1... the best bet is that you are your own problem.

 

Well it's natural that we try externalize our problems. But yeah ES, you come across as being unpleasant, and if your dates are picking up on it like we are, you're probably driving them away.

[SawtoothMars]

Maybe it would work better if you could just develop a little interest in finding out about the other person for an hour instead of just seeing him as a disappointment because he is not the "one" for you again?? I can see how it could get draining and discouraging, I have not done it, but I also don't see how it can be 100% fake and negative, out of over 100 guys there had to be at least a couple who were worth that little amount of your time???

 

Maybe THIS is the key issue here for our "introverts". A Marie Antoinette style disdain for the "reeking masses."

 

I'm sorry but I don't view anyone as "unworthy" of my time.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Well it's natural that we try externalize our problems. But yeah ES, you come across as being unpleasant, and if your dates are picking up on it like we are, you're probably driving them away.

 

I suppose this is possible too. She could've been (or she could be) a fun and cool person for a guy to date, but with all of the guys she's met thus far (over a HUNDRED! Holy crap) and NONE of them panned out to anything remotely close towards a relationship (which is what she's searching for), it's understandable as to why her attitude may be somewhat (if not VERY) jaded, negative and hopeless.

 

It's hard to keep up a positive attitude and to ooze that kind of vibe around guys when a person feels the exact opposite of that - which is one of the reasons why I have taken a hiatus from OLD. However, I'm still open to dating IRL *if* I met a special guy. I'm going to wait for a while until my attitude and perspective on dating shifts towards a positive state; because I know that people can pick up on how a person FEELS and can sense what their ATTITUDE is, even if that person acts the opposite of that.

 

 

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[True Gent]

I think a lot of people expect way too much from a first meeting.

 

To expect fireworks and butterflies the very first time you meet a stranger is highly unlikely. Chemistry comes from so many factors and a lot of it takes time to discover.

 

You aren't getting to know someone over a couple of drinks for an hour or two. You are simply finding out if they are interesting and decent enough in their attiude to warrant getting to know on a deeper level. The getting to know takes more than one date. Infact the first date isn't even a date with OLD, it's a chat over a coffee or whatever, dating comes later.

 

When you factor in that both parties are naturally slightly nervous on the first meeting some gaps in conversation will most likely happen,it may feel a little awkward (because there is so much pressure for sparks) the first encounter isn't likely to be the magical effortless giddy experience many seem to expect.

 

I really do think that a lot of good people aren't given a fair chance and are shot down early. It seems it's either 'WOW' or 'NEXT' with OLD. How many people have we met in our lives that we've felt 'wow' about after half an hour with them? Not many I bet...

[Woggle]

I don't think that's because he is unavailable. It's more to do with confidence and charisma. Also, women feel more comfortable in talking to men in relationships because they won't (mostly) try to sleep with them. I have seen men in relationships over-estimate woman's interest. They assume she wants them because she is friendly.

 

If anything they mistake my interest. I could just be having a friendly conversation with a woman and laughing and joking like I would do with a man and she thinks I am trying to cheat with her. The sad thing is how many women were up for it.

[xxoo]

I used to be that way too. I used to hate social interaction, but now I love it.

 

So my question is Why does talking to people drain you?

 

Because I, like ES, am an introvert. Google it. It's not a bad thing, and it's not about hating social interaction.

 

ES, I don't think you should be doing OLD if it drains you. Do things that feed your soul, but make sure you are including some ways to interact with single men. Do you ever attend sporting events with your girlfriends? What about volunteering at races? You can be the girl handing out t-shirts or something. Look cute, smile sweetly, and chat men up. Let connections happen organically, face to face.

[Anela]

Maybe THIS is the key issue here for our "introverts". A Marie Antoinette style disdain for the "reeking masses."

 

I'm sorry but I don't view anyone as "unworthy" of my time.

 

ES sounds depressed, to me. Maybe I'm projecting my own feelings. Introverts don't see themselves as better than everyone else, but they have every right to decide who they want to interact with, when they do socialize.

[Anela]

If anything they mistake my interest. I could just be having a friendly conversation with a woman and laughing and joking like I would do with a man and she thinks I am trying to cheat with her. The sad thing is how many women were up for it.

 

I've never assumed that about someone who was just friendly. I've been hit on, multiple times, by more than one man in a relationship, as I've mentioned numerous times. I found it both disrespectful to me, and the women they were with. And they get away with it (most of the time). But that's a different thread.

[Woggle]

I've never assumed that about someone who was just friendly. I've been hit on, multiple times, by more than one man in a relationship, as I've mentioned numerous times. I found it both disrespectful to me, and the women they were with. And they get away with it (most of the time). But that's a different thread.

 

It mostly happens when I travel without my wife on business. They just find it so shocking that a man doesn't want to cheat with them since my wife will never find out as if honesty and being faithful are foreign concepts to them.

[jay1983]

I'm having a hard time understanding a 100+ first dates. I don't even think I've that many first dates in my lifetime. What do you have a calendar agenda organizer or some kind of spread sheet filled up with names and dates for the month?

 

I agree with you on the unavailable men thing. It's BS, they're just very desirable men, that's it.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I agree with you on the unavailable men thing. It's BS, they're just very desirable men, that's it.

 

Um, that's not necessarily "it". There are some guys who are too emotionally damaged to be in a relationship, who are players, who are just in it for the ego boost, who are in it for only booty calls or who - for whatever reason - are just too insecure to date a woman whose intentions are to move forward towards a relationship.

 

There are plenty of women who most men find desirable also...but that's not the end all be all reason that a lot of guys can't find a connection to a woman they're interested in via OLD. There are a variety of factors that are reasons that both genders are having a difficult time finding just ONE person that they can date with the goal of entering into a healthy and stable relationship with.

 

 

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[fitnessfan365]

I think a lot of people expect way too much from a first meeting.

 

To expect fireworks and butterflies the very first time you meet a stranger is highly unlikely. Chemistry comes from so many factors and a lot of it takes time to discover.

 

Unfortunately we live in a society that focuses mainly on instant gratification. Plus, OLD definitely contributes to this. Women are getting emailed ALL the time, so it puts them in an assembly line way of thinking. They invest an hour on a first meet, and if it isn't instant chemistry, they move onto the next.

 

But that's why as a guy you need to be confident and gently lead the interaction. It's up to you to bring a woman out of her shell. If you can build initial attraction and chemistry, and have the balls to make a move, you'll at least get a second date. Then it's up to you to just keep living in the moment date by date and expanding on it.

[xxoo]

I think men (and women) in relationships are attractive because they are displaying all their "good relationship qualities". If you see a guy being a great spouse, it might be easy to develop a crush on him because you want someone like him.

 

Also, attached people tend to be more relaxed in interactions with others, because the pressure of impressing is off. And in grand irony, trying to impress often results in the opposite.

 

But 100 dates....eh, clearly this isn't working. Either be far more discriminating about who you decide to meet, or forget OLD and get yourself face to face with men IRL. I'd go for the latter, myself. If it clicks, it's a breeze!

[Mjm1014]

OP, as a guy that's done OLD for awhile I totally agree with you. Not going to lie, I did meet one on there that actually did turn into a great relationship, but the rest...thanks but no thanks!

 

Recently I met a girl on there that lives almost walking distance to my apartment, she's very attractive, seemed into me (almost too into me off the bat), but for some reason I just didn't feel any spark. Lately, if I do get a date through a dating site, I feel the same way-it feels forced and is a major turn off-which of course isn't the others persons fault.

 

Sorry I don't have a solution for your message just wanted to tell you I agree, and I guess OLD isn't for everyone. Hang in there..

[Redhead14]

Despite having a pretty cool social life and going out more, I am still not meeting any single men. I meet plenty of taken men that I would date, but it seems 99% of the men in my age range are married/in serious relationships. So are the women for that matter.

 

Literally only place where I do meet single men is OLD. I have been too busy to use it much, probably meeting one men in 3 months or so. From all my experiences from OLD, it all feels so forced and fake. You are supposed to meet a complete stranger that you are suddenly dating. I feel nothing for these men, literally nothing. Even if they look good, I need to get to know someone to feel the attraction. And by getting to know, I mean in a natural setting, not 1-1 forced hangouts from the get go. I never feel any chemistry or spark. The ones that look good on paper, I tend to push myself to see but it's hard because I would rather do anything else than spend romantic time with men I am not that into.

 

Just venting and wishing I made dating more of a priority in my 20s. Hope all of you 20 something women take note and don't end up like I did.

 

Everyone you first start dating is a stranger. Whether its from an online site or in person. You still have to meet them for the "first" time. You are never forced to meet with anyone. And, just because you meet them, doesn't mean you are "suddenly" dating. You meet them as a "meet up", not a date the first time. Just coffee or drinks and for a short time. If it clicks it clicks and you will then go on a more formal date. So I am a little confused about what you are saying.

 

I'd say, though, that you are simply just discouraged right now and not being open-minded because of that. It's a numbers game, really. Meet up with a couple of guys from whatever site even if they don't seem all that great. Just for the practice at least. I am not saying be indiscriminate, but take a couple of chances Have a positive attitude and relax. If it goes to another date, great. If not, oh well. You never know when or who it could be.

[40 Fonzarelli]

I think the best relationships come out of friends first. You slowly get to know them, slowly start falling for them, the feelings grow stronger on both sides, and then it just explodes and you're on cloud 9. I haven't experienced this since college . I just hope the same thing is possible with OLD and I just haven't met the right person yet.

[Mrlonelyone]

I think men (and women) in relationships are attractive because they are displaying all their "good relationship qualities". If you see a guy being a great spouse, it might be easy to develop a crush on him because you want someone like him.

 

 

A long time ago I took a risky and stupid step.

 

I looked up an ex that I spoke of here in the white pages. S. This was in late 2003. S and I made up right away just because I knocked on her door.

 

I was still over 100 miles away on a daily basis.

 

 

In that town 100 miles away none of those ladies were seeing me being good to S for that year.

 

 

It has to have been the confidence that gave me. I took a crazy crazy risk and had a year long second chance with an ex. That gave me supreme confidence even when it was over for years. It is attractive.

[Mrlonelyone]

ES sounds depressed, to me. Maybe I'm projecting my own feelings. Introverts don't see themselves as better than everyone else, but they have every right to decide who they want to interact with, when they do socialize.

 

 

ES isn't depressed. She said it in a post she deleted.

 

She has a profession that is like mine. In that profession all the really good steady relationships are between people in the profession or in an allied or similar profession. Only those people can really get the drive to do this kind of job and the problems we come across.

 

She does not feel better than anyone. She just wants a mate that gets her on that level.

 

It is a hard thing to find.

[Anela]

ES isn't depressed. She said it in a post she deleted.

 

She has a profession that is like mine. In that profession all the really good steady relationships are between people in the profession or in an allied or similar profession. Only those people can really get the drive to do this kind of job and the problems we come across.

 

She does not feel better than anyone. She just wants a mate that gets her on that level.

 

It is a hard thing to find.

 

I'm not in her profession, but I understand wanting someone who "gets" you. I've always said that. I know what sort of connection I'm looking for.

[fitnessfan365]

I think the best relationships come out of friends first. You slowly get to know them, slowly start falling for them, the feelings grow stronger on both sides, and then it just explodes and you're on cloud 9. I haven't experienced this since college . I just hope the same thing is possible with OLD and I just haven't met the right person yet.

 

Couldn't disagree with this more. Starting out as a platonic friend first and then becoming something more may work in the movies and TV shows. But in real life, if a woman is friends with you, it's because she isn't attracted to you.

 

If you want to have romantic success with women, you need to make your intentions known ASAP, and ask her out. Then if you two become an item and things develop well over time, you can eventually transition into being friends as well. But starting out as "friends first" is a recipe for disappointment in my opinion. I actually advise women that I talk to, against putting that on their profile. What they really mean is that they want to take things slow and keep sex off the table for a bit. But they still want to find romance. So if they encourage a guy to act like a "friend" they won't feel any attraction to him.

[jay1983]

Um, that's not necessarily "it". There are some guys who are too emotionally damaged to be in a relationship, who are players, who are just in it for the ego boost, who are in it for only booty calls or who - for whatever reason - are just too insecure to date a woman whose intentions are to move forward towards a relationship.

 

There are plenty of women who most men find desirable also...but that's not the end all be all reason that a lot of guys can't find a connection to a woman they're interested in via OLD. There are a variety of factors that are reasons that both genders are having a difficult time finding just ONE person that they can date with the goal of entering into a healthy and stable relationship with.

 

 

.

You're skipping over the first phase of initial attraction. What these guys look like and how they present themselves. Every man they like, you really think that's a coincidence?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

You're skipping over the first phase of initial attraction. What these guys look like and how they present themselves. Every man they like, you really think that's a coincidence?

 

Um, not quite sure what point you're trying to convey with this post. Of course physical attractiveness is par for the course with regard to dating and being attracted to someone enough to want to continue to date them.

 

What does that have to do with the OP's situation or how you think that there are plenty of "desirable men" and that's the sole reason for her difficulty in finding a normal, attractive and stable guy with which to enter into a relationship with?

 

 

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[KatZee]

It's true. I want a Woman to be somewhat successful, like having a decent job and being smart.

 

But if they're over the top, they can be hard to keep up with and exhausting. Especially if they have a very independent attitude.

 

I guess this is my issue and why no guy wants to date me.

 

I guess guys think I'm "exhausting." :/

 

I'm not "somewhat successful." I am successful.

 

I don't have a "decent job." I have a career.

 

I am smart, with a BA/MA and extra class credits from NYU.

 

It's rare I ever find someone on par with me with OLD. I've gone on dates with dudes who had "High school" listed as their level of education completed.

 

I don't purposely try to come off "exhausting" or think it's hard to keep up with me at all, but I guess I can see why dudes would be turned off or intimidated by me.