Can't take the fakeness of OLD

[Gaeta]

Welcome to the world of dating, guys get it too. There are always people you just aren't interested in.

 

Usually you can just relax and have a good time and chitchat. If the guy is coming on very strong, or its REALLY weird, you can just leave. At a first meet there really aren't many expectations.

 

I had one date with a girl I was only lukewarm about, and I just went with along with it. It turned out we both worked at the same place before so we were able to share stories and it was still fun

 

And one time during a first coffee the man and I discovered we had the same last name! (a fairly rare name) and with further questions turns out our fathers were cousins lol.

 

I would not trade my online dating stories for anything in the world!

[Gary S]

Why so much drama?

 

I met plenty of men I didn't feel attracted towards and still had a good time over coffee. One of them made me laugh 2 hours none stop! Another became one of my best friend.

 

Could you be a little anti-social to start with?

 

 

I have to back up what BlueyeL and Gaeta are saying. For best results in dating, offline or on, you should have a good attitude. You should be happily single first. You should be looking to enhance your life with love, not make your whole life.

 

I enjoy meeting new women, and having my Margarita out! I've even had some funny dating bloopers... one woman I invited to meet me at a resturant that turned out to be closed for renovations. It was as dark as a back alley on the wrong side of town! We both had a good laugh because we have good attitudes. On another meet, I forgot my wallet. Still another, we bantered so much and got so loud, we almost got thrown out of the resturant for love and disorderly conduct!

 

I've also made some lady friends in my travels, Wing-women. One is a recent divorcee and says, "I'm just going to live my life vicariously through you and your wonderful and funny dating stories!" So cute! My other wing-woman is like the judge Judy of dating. I joked with her once, "Mom, you never like any of the women I bring home" She replied, "Then bring home better ones!" Hilarious!

 

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Gary S

[SawtoothMars]

It's true, there are problems with online dating, it's no silver bullet.

It is a blind date, pictures are not enough. You may find out within minutes of meeting the person you are not attracted to them.

 

Another problem with online dating - it's a repository for undesirables. They have to end up somewhere. I've never seen so many on the rebound and crazy people in all of my life Thank goodness you only need to find one good one.

 

Ok... Someone doesn't match their pictures. So what? I've had women turn up WAY better looking than their pics... And some worse.

 

I made some good friends online dating. One lady, I was actually invited to her wedding 2 years later.

 

You guys need to just accept people for who they are... And stop getting pissed when someone doesn't live up to your fantasies. Online dating is the exact same as every other kind of dating, once you are on front of the other person.

 

I never wanted to cry because I was not interested in someone... And I personaly know better about attraction meeting online first because it's far more mental than physical for me. the lowest attraction I've had on dates have been cold approaches where I didn't have time to figure out their intellect and humor.

I always wonder if the people who have such a bad experiences online are all going after a very small subset. I know plenty of men and women who enjoy it and have great luck- and not just for sex or dates but relationships.

plenty of relationship minded men on there, for sure. That's part of why I'm NOT on there!

Though, things aren't only good if they end in relationships. Friendships are good, too.

 

This is the attitude everyone should take into dating.

[xxoo]

Why so much drama?

 

I met plenty of men I didn't feel attracted towards and still had a good time over coffee. One of them made me laugh 2 hours none stop! Another became one of my best friend.

 

Could you be a little anti-social to start with?

 

I agree with ES about it sounding awful going to all those pointless coffee dates, but I'm an introvert. I can see how this would be fine for an extrovert, but for an introvert, it would be exhausting and basically feel like working overtime.

[SawtoothMars]

I agree with ES about it sounding awful going to all those pointless coffee dates, but I'm an introvert. I can see how this would be fine for an extrovert, but for an introvert, it would be exhausting and basically feel like working overtime.

 

What does it mean to be an "introvert"? What causes this?

[xxoo]

What does it mean to be an "introvert"? What causes this?

 

An introvert is a person who feels drained when spending a lot of time around people, and needs time alone to recharge.

 

An extrovert is the opposite--feels drained when alone, and needs time with people to recharge.

 

Both are natural and have advantages and disadvantages.

[SawtoothMars]

An introvert is a person who feels drained when spending a lot of time around people, and needs time alone to recharge.

An extrovert is the opposite--feels drained when alone, and needs time with people to recharge.

Both are natural and have advantages and disadvantages.

 

Wait... I fit both of those descriptions. I love being social, but after a few days need my own space. I do tons of stuff alone or just with my wife.

 

It seems to me that these are learned traits. I used to hate being around people in general, but that was when I was young and had lower self esteem.

[xxoo]

Wait... I fit both of those descriptions. I love being social, but after a few days need my own space. I do tons of stuff alone or just with my wife.

 

It seems to me that these are learned traits. I used to hate being around people in general, but that was when I was young and had lower self esteem.

 

It's a real thing, and has nothing to do with shyness. I'm not shy at all, and am actually quite skilled at making others feel comfortable in social situations. I am just drained by social situations far more quickly than an extrovert, thus dozens of coffee dates sound utterly exhausting to me but not to you.

[KatZee]

So you're only attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Now we know the problem - how are you going to fix it?

 

No. I'm NOT attracted to unavailable men. The second I find out they're unavailable, they are nexted.

[KatZee]

I don't know what part of New York you live in but maybe consider dating a guy from one of the more down to earth parts like Queens or Long Island. That way you get away from the Manhattan types but still are very close to work.

 

You're clearly not from around here, are you? :lmao:

 

1. I live in Queens.

2. I've lived on LI for about 12 years.

 

Long Island dudes are not "down to earth." A very good portion of them are entitled, over-inflated ego, spoiled, bubble dwelling, fist pumpers.

 

Long Island is it's own enigma, male and female alike.

[Woggle]

You're clearly not from around here, are you? :lmao:

 

1. I live in Queens.

2. I've lived on LI for about 12 years.

 

Long Island dudes are not "down to earth." A very good portion of them are entitled, over-inflated ego, spoiled, bubble dwelling, fist pumpers.

 

Long Island is it's own enigma, male and female alike.

 

I grew up in NYC but moved out in 2002 so I am a little rusty. Maybe date a Brooklyn or Lower East Side man? Just randomly throwing stuff out there at this point.

[KatZee]

I grew up in NYC but moved out in 2002 so I am a little rusty. Maybe date a Brooklyn or Lower East Side man? Just randomly throwing stuff out there at this point.

 

I know, just throw a whole ton of s.h!t at the wall, eventually something will stick.

 

No, it's just really bad. And I would think it was something about me, but it's literally every single friend I have, every single acquaintance I know. Dating just sucks these days!

[Gaeta]

An introvert is a person who feels drained when spending a lot of time around people, and needs time alone to recharge.

 

An extrovert is the opposite--feels drained when alone, and needs time with people to recharge.

 

Both are natural and have advantages and disadvantages.

 

I am not sure it has something to do with being introverted. I have always considered myself an introvert. I need my time and space. In a crowd I am the quiet one, I am very soft spoken too and often I am told I have a calming effect on people. I am that quiet. I am just a big chatter. I can chat anyone about anything so these first coffee are like a breeze to me.

[BluEyeL]

That's funny, I went to lunch today with an ex-graduate student of mine. She went on match.com last year, she met just one guy and they've been together six months and going strong. She's the second example of someone I know well, who just found a boyfriend without many boring coffee dates. She's happy, she's met his mom, he says he loves her and treats her great. He's cute too. And looks tall from his pictures.

 

It didn't work that great for me, I met more men and it took significantly longer (she was online 7 months), but it seems that for some folks it works really really easy.

[Weezy1973]

No. I'm NOT attracted to unavailable men. The second I find out they're unavailable, they are nexted.

 

So you say this, yet you also say this:

 

Every guy I've been into physically and personality wise has always been unavailable in the sense that they weren't looking for a full time girlfriend. They just wanted someone to have fun with when they had some free time off from a heavy work schedule.

 

Every guy you've ever been into...has always been unavailable...

 

Yet you say you're not attracted to unavailable men. Let me be clear, I'm not saying you're attracted to the fact that they're unavailable - I'm saying there are likely traits that are correlated with men that are not looking for a long term, monogamous relationship, that you happen to be attracted to.

 

For example, men that are only looking for casual, NSA sex, know that the best way to achieve this is by focusing on their physical appearance. (As women repeatedly admit that physical appearance is the most important quality when looking for a casual sex partner). Therefore it stands to reason that men that put a lot of effort into their appearance are less likely to be looking for something long term.

 

If (and I'm only using this as an example, the traits you're attracted to could be different) you're attracted to men who put a lot of effort into their appearance, this would explain why none of them want a relationship with you.

 

If I were you, I would focus on men that have helping types of professions - teachers, nurses, social workers etc. and men that volunteer regularly. These types of men are more likely to have traits correlated with wanting to be in a long term relationship (empathy, compassion, openness etc.). But if you're not naturally attracted to those traits, well, keep doing what you're doing and keep getting the results you're getting.

 

Which is that literally NONE of them want to be in a relationship with you.

[Imajerk17]

I'm finding myself rolling my eyes at this thread as much as I find myself rolling my eyes at some of the Struggling Dudes' threads. I mean, can you ladies who are so frustrated answer "Yes" to all three questions:

 

1. ALL of your dates from OLD have been horrible? (Or have been with guys who turn out unavailable) Are you sure you don't just have unrealistic expectations for what is supposed to happen on a first meet?

 

2. Every guy who writes you whom you didn't write back is either creepy in his emails/profile or unattractive/boring or incompatible with you?

 

3. Have you tried reaching out first to guys who might be interesting to you? Not just a wink but an actual email.

 

Bonus question: If you truly are pressed for time, why not screen guys out on the phone? If you don't like their voice or the conversation then don't meet.

 

The guys who are griping about OLD are at least making an effort to write to women, I'll at least give them that. What are the women on here who are so frustrated doing?

Edited April 8, 2015 by Imajerk17

[Anela]

I wrote to men. They weren't interested in me.

 

But I gave up on this ages ago.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am an introvert and find pointless small talk draining. After I have met 100+ men, I find it hard to feel any excitment at the prospect of another blind date. In fact, I usually can't even make an effort to reply to messages from another random where you repeat the same story for the millionth time: where are you from, what do you do etc etc. I am not sure how other people do it.

 

I also work very long hours and am almost always short on time and/or tired. I have a small group of friends (all non-single) with whom I really enjoy being with and will rather spend free time with them then forcing small talk with a stranger I am not attracted to. Unfortunately, I never meet anyone new through this group so I know that OLD is my only chance really. That's why I still have a profile even though I barely respond to any messages.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No. I'm NOT attracted to unavailable men. The second I find out they're unavailable, they are nexted.

 

I am not sure I even buy unavailable men theory. Generally, men that are desirable (combination of looks, intellegince, social charisma etc) have a lot of options thus are either never single or super picky. They can get casual sex with number of women too, so are less likely to want to commit.

 

We are attracted to what's attractive; it's all far less subjective than people think. What we want, others want too. I think all this "unavailable men", "commitment phobia" c$%^ is just over-analysing where the truth is far more simple.

[fitnessfan365]

I am an introvert and find pointless small talk draining. After I have met 100+ men, I find it hard to feel any excitment at the prospect of another blind date. In fact, I usually can't even make an effort to reply to messages from another random where you repeat the same story for the millionth time: where are you from, what do you do etc etc. I am not sure how other people do it.

 

I also work very long hours and am almost always short on time and/or tired. I have a small group of friends (all non-single) with whom I really enjoy being with and will rather spend free time with them then forcing small talk with a stranger I am not attracted to. Unfortunately, I never meet anyone new through this group so I know that OLD is my only chance really. That's why I still have a profile even though I barely respond to any messages.

 

Wow, you've actually met with 100+ men in person? No wonder you feel drained with that many bad first dates..LOL Also, I definitely get the feeling of repetitive stress disorder sharing details over and over.

 

But I still say that you're attracting what you're putting out. If you have a negative mindset going in, you're not exactly going to be winning over and influencing others with your lack of enthusiasm. Then again, I have a feeling that when you do meet the right guy, you'll turn into an introvert with an extrovert shell. My GF claims to be an introvert, but she seriously never shuts up around me.

 

BTW - You're a very attractive woman and I find it hard to believe that you don't get approached more in real life. Where do you and the girls usually hang out? Maybe you should put on your best dress and pick up produce suggestively in the grocery store.

[Woggle]

Ask me or any other married man. It's like we give off a smell or something that makes women more attracted to us so there is some merit to the unavailable men thing. A similar thing happens when a man is playing the field and not looking for a relationship. When a man is actually looking for a relationship it seems that is when women don't feel chemistry.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ask me or any other married man. It's like we give off a smell or something that makes women more attracted to us so there is some merit to the unavailable men thing. A similar thing happens when a man is playing the field and not looking for a relationship. When a man is actually looking for a relationship it seems that is when women don't feel chemistry.

 

I don't think that's because he is unavailable. It's more to do with confidence and charisma. Also, women feel more comfortable in talking to men in relationships because they won't (mostly) try to sleep with them. I have seen men in relationships over-estimate woman's interest. They assume she wants them because she is friendly.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Eternal Sunshine

 

I get what you mean about having a group of friends, professional friends and associates who are all married and paired up. They are good to have because they can just get what you do.

 

For what it's worth I am going to try to shake things up in my own life by breaking some rules.

 

If we both play by the rules then we will both be on LS 10 years from now and just as single as we are now.

 

I am not sure I even buy unavailable men theory. Generally, men that are desirable (combination of looks, intellegince, social charisma etc) have a lot of options thus are either never single or super picky. They can get casual sex with number of women too, so are less likely to want to commit.

 

We are attracted to what's attractive; it's all far less subjective than people think. What we want, others want too. I think all this "unavailable men", "commitment phobia" c$%^ is just over-analysing where the truth is far more simple.

 

There is some merit to what you have here. It passes the occam's razor test however there is one observation which does not fit.

 

 

Ask me or any other married man. It's like we give off a smell or something that makes women more attracted to us so there is some merit to the unavailable men thing. A similar thing happens when a man is playing the field and not looking for a relationship. When a man is actually looking for a relationship it seems that is when women don't feel chemistry.

 

^This. Even I have noticed this.

 

I am not a traditionally masculine male. I am trans/gednerqueer. Yet when I am in relationship of any level I am more attractive to women. I am none of the things women say they would be into (Although I guess I could simply be looked at as a very pretty boy of sorts). Yet I experience the same effect Vs when I am not in a relationship and desire one.

 

 

I haven't changed just my relationship status. Why would I get approached in an unambiguously sexual way, more often when I am in a relationship?

 

 

There are men and women who are attracted to those who are already in relationships. There are men who specialize in sleeping with other men's wives and girlfriends. They get a kick out of seeing some schlub think hes got that on lock when he does not.

 

 

Psychologist and behaviorist call it mate poaching. One in every five human couples meet due to mat poaching. This is known here as an OM or OW becoming the SO.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I am not sure I even buy unavailable men theory. Generally, men that are desirable (combination of looks, intellegince, social charisma etc) have a lot of options thus are either never single or super picky. They can get casual sex with number of women too, so are less likely to want to commit.

 

We are attracted to what's attractive; it's all far less subjective than people think. What we want, others want too. I think all this "unavailable men", "commitment phobia" c$%^ is just over-analysing where the truth is far more simple.

 

Totally agree with everything you've stated, ES. You're pretty, smart and as sharp as a tack. I'm thinking maybe some of the guys you meet up with (or even message with online) could possibly be intimidated by your air of independence in addition to your intelligence and attractiveness; which is why some of them may not be confident enough to enter into a relationship with you or even to date you for a period of time. You'd be surprised at how many guys would prefer to date and be in a relationship with a more submissive type of woman who isn't an equal to them with regard to intelligence/education or confidence.

 

Have you ever thought that what I've said might be a possibility as to why you're not meeting (and dating) guys who are interested in pursuing a relationship with you?

 

 

.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Totally agree with everything you've stated, ES. You're pretty, smart and as sharp as a tack. I'm thinking maybe some of the guys you meet up with (or even message with online) could possibly be intimidated by your air of independence in addition to your intelligence and attractiveness; which is why some of them may not be confident enough to enter into a relationship with you or even to date you for a period of time. You'd be surprised at how many guys would prefer to date and be in a relationship with a more submissive type of woman who isn't an equal to them with regard to intelligence/education or confidence.

 

Have you ever thought that what I've said might be a possibility as to why you're not meeting (and dating) guys who are interested in pursuing a relationship with you?

 

 

.

 

It's true. I want a Woman to be somewhat successful, like having a decent job and being smart.

 

But if they're over the top, they can be hard to keep up with and exhausting. Especially if they have a very independent attitude.