If the ex really does have issues?

[OneBigIdgit]

Im lost on what position I should take upon finding out that my 'ex' does actually have mental issues.

 

 

Our story is on here, probably several pages deep, but basically she started pursuing me from the first and although I did things to try to slow her down, she just basically professed her love for me very quickly and started talking and pushing for marriage the 3rd time I took her out. I told her that I don't do quick marriages.

 

 

she was a professional at stroking a guys ego and work tirelessly to move this relationship along. I saw enough red flags from all of this to pull back many times and she'd work harder. She gave 150% and I gave maybe 60%.

 

 

All of this occurred over the course of 21-22 months.

 

 

Her needs were a man who would go to church with her(I didn't, major fail)

A man who would marry her, preferably as soon as possible. She told me that she wanted the big white wedding. I told her that she'd already been married 4 times and I wasn't in favor of a big white wedding.

 

 

 

 

She finally broke with me because I didn't go to church with her. I thought there'd be other reasons but one of her family members told me yesterday that the lack of church by me was the deciding factor.

 

 

The guy she switched to appears to be that she picked him out of an internet lineup solely because he goes to church. Everything on his fb page is church related. He is at least 20 yrs older than her(me being 10).

She is early 40's. She professed DEEP LOVE for him within 10 days of moving in with him. Got engaged at 20 days and thanked God for leading her to the perfect man. Its like she can flip a switch in her mind and look around and convince herself, hmmm,, I'm going to love him forever and just randomly pick the object of her affection and convince herself that this is true love.

 

 

My problem is:

I was told yesterday that her family had committed her to a mental institution some years back, so there is a mental issue that has been around. I think it's possible that this time it was after a stressful breakup of a long marriage but possibly not.

I was told by a different very distant family member last night that she has a history of making bad decisions and they view her as a ticking time bomb, possible to go off at any time.

She asked me one night if I thought that she was crazy. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and while I'd seen some red flags that had me taking stock of this relationship, I really hadn't seen anything 'crazy'.

She is different, no doubt about that, and I do think that she has the perception that everyone looks at her with the idea that she isn't right.

In my 2 years or so around her, I see a difference in the interaction between her and family members than they interact with each other. I noticed it and really thought that her almost constant church related theme was the reason. Now it has me wondering.

 

 

My question is, knowing what I know now. As a guy with a conscience, what do I do about this knowledge if she ever came back around? If she has issues, should I just be glad that its over or should I try to help her? Her relationship with me was full of fun and very stable, and yet she broke it up because of the church thing. I feel that love is hard enough to find and that she'd stay around for the love, the laughter, the fun activities that we constantly created and attended, and not end the relationship just because I didn't attend church with her.

 

 

I've read that guys have a 'rescue' tendency toward women. We want to be their knights and rescue them from issues like having to work in strip clubs and such. I also read that most of the time the women don't want to be 'rescued'.

 

 

She is the sweetest, most loving person I've ever met. She just makes really bad decisions, sometimes on the spur of the moment, and now there is evidence that she does have mental issues. I can't help but think that I could make her life better because I have no mood swings and offer a huge amount of stability and fun in all things except finances. I know she made my life much better.

 

 

Do I wash my hands of a person like this or do I try to help if she should ever come back around? She did tell me that she has a history of returning to exes after the end of other relationships. from what I can remember, she has been the dumper in all cases. So she has a history of leaving, and mental issues

[Throldur]

She needs to fix herself, man. There's nothing to do here but move on. She has a history and it's going to repeat itself. There's so many red flags here it looks like MacBeth used them to wipe his hands clean.

[OneBigIdgit]

Thanks Throldur. It just really is a shame. At this point I'm not sure that she has the mental capability to 'fix' the problem. After what I was told yesterday and then last night, it seems to be a never ending saga in her life.

She did stick with one husband for over 13 years but at the end, she suspected him of cheating and walked away and left him to raise their 2 kids.

 

 

She explained to me that she felt he could provide better for them than she could as a single mom. That would be a red flag for anyone. Just another bad decision she made in the past, I guess.

 

 

When with me, she was doing everything she could to get back into her kids lives. With this guy, she has moved 300+ miles away which removes her from their lives again and also 2 grandkids.

 

 

wow. her life story really reads like one melt-down after another. Its a shame because she really is a super sweet, beautiful woman.

Looks and body fit for a movie star but just finds ways to self destruct.

 

 

I didn't seek out this info. I went into an apartment complex to do some work yesterday and a mutual friend was outside an apartment. I asked him why he wasn't at work. We talked awhile and then he asked if I'd seen what she posted on FB. I told him that I had blocked her. He said she posted a pic of her new guy and he looks really really old for her. I told him that I didn't really want to know anything about them, that's why I blocked her.

 

 

Later in the evening, I went to a local club and was sitting with some mutual friends, one of which happens to be a distant relative. She asked if Id seen the pic. I said no, so she proceeded to give me quite a bit of my exes history and how the family looks at her.

 

 

Sometimes the only way to stay total NC is join the navy and go to sea, lol

[Throldur]

Social media.. hard to not see something. I can't even go into my facebook messages because I'll see her picture there and if I see a picture of her and her new boyfriend, I'll ****ing puke.

 

Red flags are something we all tend to ignore in relationships because we just want the best. I know going forward I am just going to be curious about everything.

[BlackbirdSong]

Run brother, run. You can't fix her....ever.

 

Been there, tried that. Lost.

[OneBigIdgit]

Somebody is watching over me Blackbirdsong. She

is getting married tomorrow at 2pm. I talked to a guy

that is their family friend and who they also tried to

hook her up with before me. He said she told him that

she would date him but he'd have to go to church with

her. He told her that he hadn't been to church in 18 yrs

and wasn't interested in goin. Then she met me.

 

He said she found this new guy off the net. He was

advertising that he wasn't interested in dating. He wanted

to get married. He makes mucho money. The friend said

her mom and sister started pushing her toward this guy

because I wasn't making moves to get married.

 

The friend said that the 15-16 pills a day she takes are

a cocktail to control her mood swings. He said her mom told

him that she has been heavily medicated for years. My ex

had told me that they were pills for thyroid, adrenal gland

and other ailments stemming from 2 car wrecks.

 

Altogether, she is pretty bad. Much worse than I would have

dreamed. I guess all those pills kept her sorta stable and

functioning. I hate that she is going thru life carrying the

burdon of knowing people think she is insane. But as of 2pm

tomorrow, she becomes his problem totally. Whew!

[BlackbirdSong]

I wish i could like your status one million times! You definitely dodged a major bullet.

[gnick]

I think it's interesting her number one requirementioned in a mate is that he go to church with her.that by itself would run me off lol

[OneBigIdgit]

I agree Blackbirdsong. I'm elated that I'm out. At the same

time I really feel bad about what her life has been like. Knowing

that she is different and being such a beautiful sweet person.

 

She goes maximum effort in trying to please a man and make

him think that he can't live without her.

 

The family friend said this was all a staged plan to get her

married so they can relax and she becomes someone else's

problem.

 

I probably would have married her at the end of our 1st year

if she hadn't already been married 4 times

[Arieswoman]

OP

 

Q.

If the ex really does have issues?

 

A. Then it's not your problem. She is an "ex". End of.

[NoLeafClover]

Girls like this only care about one thong ...THEMSELVES

 

 

I'm sorry but if she broke up with you because of your no show attendance at church ...she can go and Screw herself.

You cant force religion or how to practice it to anyone.

 

Welcome to America and all the other countries that live in democracy.

[NoLeafClover]

Run brother, run. You can't fix her....ever.

 

Been there, tried that. Lost.

 

I think I need to let him borrow my crotch rocket. Running isn't going to be fast enough to hide from this type of crazy.

[OneBigIdgit]

While I can count my blessings for being out of this relationship,

there are a couple of loose ends I am going to attempt to tie.

 

It appears that there are at least 5-6 people who I've known for

many years that knew about her history. I have been around

them often over the course of this relationship. The only one

that tried to let know was a policeman who called me over to

the side when he saw us out together. He said, do you know

who she is? I said not really. I've only known her a couple

of weeks. He said, I just want to let you know that she takes

a bunch of pills. All prescription, BUT, I've had to go pick her

up a couple of times when she was kicking and screaming.

 

I knew about the pills but I thought she told me they were for

health issues, not mental issues. I saw things or heard her

say things that gave me hints that something wasn't right. They

didn't happen often but just enough to keep me from

agreeing to marry.

 

I want to know why the people I knew before her didn't talk

to me about the real plan to get her married. I'm just lucky

that I don't do quick weddings. The time slot that they allowed

To hook me ended at 21-22 months. This other guy is perfect

He is marrying her in just under 3 months.

 

I never saw anything to make me appreciate how bad she must

be. I guess I would have seen if she had ever skipped all of

those pills

[ZiggyZoo]

As a nurse, I'll just say that she MAY have been taking the pills for physical problems that had mental/psychological aspects as well. Especially if she was in a few car accidents. Closed head injuries can cause alllll kinds of issues, as can bad thyroids, etc. So, not that it matters to you at this point, but she may well have been telling the truth about what some of them are for.

 

But holy crap, I've seen some batsh*t crazy people post-head injury. Whatever the cause, be glad you're rid of her. Unstable is unstable, no matter what the reason.

[OneBigIdgit]

thanks ZiggyZoo. Being in the medical profession, your imput means a lot.

I can't help but care about this person. I feel for her, IF, this has has been a lifetime of confusion, knowing that she was different. Hopefully, this mental issue was caused by the wrecks.

 

 

She was in 2 wrecks, neither of which she caused, over the course of 18 months or so. While treating her and checking out the extent of her injuries, they found what she told me was a dark spot or gap in the frontal area of her brain. She said that although she is now 5-6 yrs past the wrecks, they haven't decided whether anything is needed.

 

 

All I know is when we first started dating, the trips to doctors just seemed endless to me. All of these visits were followups to treating what was left over from the wrecks and I guess just treatments that she had had throughout her life. I just thought of illness and sickness as something that you recover from and get over. I never looked at her issues as a lifetime event but since I learned of new issues this weekend, I have to look at her as probably someone they are trying to medicate and will never get better.

 

 

In her mind, if she is dating someone, sex will happen. The issue about a quick marriage is then biblically the marriage wipes the sexual sin away.

Also, in her mind, a man who will go to church with her is less likely to treat her wrong years into the marriage( cheating, drinking, beating and such) and fulfills her life as they learn and grow religiously. Religion is the single most important issue in her mind so that's why the issue was a deciding point in a relationship.

 

 

NOW I'm aware that I can't look at her as a normal thinking person. That is a shame. I treated her demands as I would a normal thinking person,(IMO). I took her places, I taught her things that she'd never dreamed of doing at a high level(dancing), I made her laugh, I made her,,,,,well, she had fun!! Yet it wasn't enough because of the church thing.

 

 

She is a beautiful person with a great personality(medication?), it appears that she is trapped in her own mental capacity and limits. Even as thick headed as I am, I noticed that her family treated her different. They'd peck her on the cheeks but appeared stand offish. With each other they'd wrap up in huge hugs. I feel for her. I can't help her. We always said we wished we'd have met during my first divorce but who knows, I might be the one with mental issues(other than the ones I already have lol).

 

 

In the guides on how to go about NC, it tells us to work to make ourselves better. It also says to make changes in yourself that will stand out and make an impression on your ex, should the ex ever return(exercise and such). I started back to working out but I wasn't that far out of shape anyway. One thing I did that I knew would catch her attention was started going to church. Not a church where she went and knew people.

 

 

I decided, I lost this ex because I wouldn't go to church with her. I'm not going to let that happen again. If I get into another relationship, I'm going to already have that issue out of the way. I started going to a church that she told me about. She had gone to it one Sunday when she was trying to lure me to church. I decided to go and not say a word about it unless she ever entered my life again. It just happened that a mutual friend went to that church. I didn't know this. I thought it was out of the way enough that it wouldn't cause any attention. The 2nd time I went, my exes mom was there. She walked up, thrilled to see me. She hugged me up in a manner that was very unlike anything she'd done before. I took this as a good omen that she'd get her daughter back from 300 miles away since in a belated manner I was giving her daughter what she most wanted and at the same time I was proving that to make a life changing decision would prove how much I cared. Well, I don't know why mom was so thrilled to see me in church, because mom is at a wedding due to start in about an hour. But regardless, Im having a great time in church and I have an ex with mental issues to thank for this.

 

 

I guess much positive has come out of our break. I'm in church, where she wanted me, and she is getting married quickly to a guy who goes to church which is what she wanted all along. And her family gets her 300 miles away and somebody elses problem

[ZiggyZoo]

You're welcome, glad I could help. I know that it's bad to spend too much time wondering about why our exs did this or that, but I have always found it helpful to try and seek some sort of explanation. It's too easy to just call them an a*shole and move on. I think this, while initially helpful, isn't fair in the long run, as long as they weren't abusive or cheating. I know with my latest ex, I've come to realize that his history and upbringing have basically made it so he doesn't really even know what a "normal" relationship looks like. And while it's not an excuse for how he broke up with me and how he's been since, it has helped me a LOT to not blame myself too much, and with working towards forgiving his actions and letting go. So I am a big believer in constructively examining out ex's behavior, like you're doing with yours.

 

I googled "frontal lobe injury" and it's responsible for a lot of behavorial issues. Your ex may well have limited control over her actions or beliefs due to the damage done. I wonder if she was really mean when she was first recovering, which would make her family a little standoffish...

 

Your initial question, about what to now that you know for sure your ex really DOES is a toughie. I'd personally just file it away under "things that contributed to our relationship not working" and keep moving on. I mean, you know now why she may have acted certain ways, or believed certain things, but that doesn't change the fact that she thought or did them. Know what I mean? These were things that your beliefs weren't compatible with. You didn't believe in a fast wedding or going to church. These differences would have been an issue with you regardless of the cause. So, the relationship likely wouldn't have worked because you two just wanted different things out of it. There's nothing wrong there at all, it's just how it is.

 

I think that's the saddest part, realizing that no matter what, you and someone you love just aren't meant to be.

[OneBigIdgit]

Thanks again ZiggyZoo for taking the time to help.

 

 

I'm a procrastinator. I'll put off things until I can't. The church thing, I really have no problem with it, and I happily sent her off to church each Sunday on her own. On marriage, I'll put that off until an ultimatum is set. I just approach the church as, I'll go along after the wedding. I have no strong issues with going or not going. I think you can live and have faith outside the walls of a building. When we first got together, I thought her strong hints and pushes that attending church was needed had to do more with BEING SEEN and WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT. I named off several very well known men who are known to be great people who don't attend church with their wives. I told her that I think women attend more for the socializing and pageantry, that guys can do without.

 

 

Since she broke with me over these two issues and I was sooooo good for her in many other ways, I thought we'd get back together. At that point we could settle the issue of marriage and church. I do look at those 2 as kind of hand in hand since I don't have a terrible revulsion to them, just put them off as long as I can get by with it.

 

 

I hope and pray that she hasn't had the mental issues for her entire life. I think she has in possibly a mild way, but I hope and do think they became much worse from the wrecks, a bout with cancer, and the breakup of a long marriage. All of this happened during the recovery period from the wrecks.

 

 

She went into a 5 yr relationship with a terrible person after the above mentioned problems. He is a con man and barely stays out of prison. I would not be surprised to find that there is a trail of bodies behind him. For at least a year of this, he made her not take the pills. He wanted to use the money for his needs. I do seem to recall that it drove her family bonkers trying to get her away from him and it caused much stress in her family.

 

 

I met her just as she was getting into this relationship and told her, if you ever get desperate enough, I'd love to take you out to dinner. In the next few days I learned who she was dating and I kind of wrote her off because I viewed any woman who would date him as not very bright.

Fast forward 5 years and we met again and she was 6-8 months away from him. She remembered what I said to her before but we hung out for about 10 days before I remembered that I had met her before.

 

 

Overall, in most aspects of our relationship, I have to be thankful that it is over. I know I feel for her problems and I do feel like I let her down by giving her somewhat valid reasons(in her mind) for ending the relationship. I was good to her, could have been better, but to do that you have to know the outcome before you live it day to day.