chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I would first like to start off by saying that i do love my boyfriend. And no i do not second guess it or imagine it with someone else. I love him. But lately our relationship is taking a little bump in the road. His ex called him the other day saying that she found out she was pregnant with his child. Now the nature of my relationship with him is that when i first met him he was all for me but i didnt trust him because ive been hurt so much in my past. About 5 months went by and when i realized that i was falling for him i just cut him off cold turkey. No warning no explanation. I stopped responding to his calls and texts and even deactivated my facebook. Sorry harsh i know. so he moved on to be with another girl. They were together about a month before he realized he wasnt happy and left her. We reconnected. And ever since then we have been great. And i havent kept my feelings away this time. So now with all of this going on he is stressed and i know this. But hes kind of shutting down on me. If i don't text or call him i won't hear from him. And he pays no attention to the fact that this is affecting me too. I want to support him and be there for him but how do i do that when he wont even open up ? I feel as if im pulling teeth just to get him to have a conversation with me. But he says he doesnt want me to leave. Im not getting it. ? we text mostly because he is at work for a .majority of the day so part of me feels like im just interpreting things wrong but when i call him he is either sleep or busy doing something.help guys :/ i just want to let him know that im here without him forgetting that i am. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Maybe- He doesn't trust you won't just drop him again like you did before and has decided to return to his pregnant Ex. Sounds like he is treating you like you treated him when you broke up with him the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
Twigyy Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Because he doesn't trust you after you left him the first time, yet. You'll have to earn his trust before he opens up to you again. It takes some time and effort from you before he sees it. Love him as much as you can, and let him sort out his stuff. He did accept you again so I think he knows what he's doing. Do trust him and eventually he will trust you. It will take some time before he trusts you again, but when he starts to open up it will be all worth it. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 You got answers to this same Q in your other thread. It's not about you at this point. It's about the baby. He may not be the man you want him to be. He has to figure out his legal & moral responsibilities for this new life he created. You said her parents are pressuring the baby mama & your BF to get together to raise this baby. While I don't think that is a solution, it's probably too much pressure for your BF & he may cave, choosing her over you. You didn't create this mess. The best thing you can do for yourself is walk away. Why aren't you? Don't say it's because you love him because love is rarely enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 The easy thing to do is walk away. But why should i? At the end of the day we all want someone who will stick by our side no matter what happens or what life goes through. I understand that its not my mess. But in truly caring for him i just up and leave and tell him to handle this himself? When i was in a predicament that he shouldve walked away he didnt. And i dont think its fair to just up and say that. I feel that if we were doomed he wouldve just said that. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 The easy thing to do is walk away. But why should i? At the end of the day we all want someone who will stick by our side no matter what happens or what life goes through. I understand that its not my mess. But in truly caring for him i just up and leave and tell him to handle this himself? When i was in a predicament that he shouldve walked away he didnt. And i dont think its fair to just up and say that. I feel that if we were doomed he wouldve just said that. Not trying to being mean Chrissy, you can't force him to be with you if he is confused about which direction he needs to go. Just back off for now and give him some space to make up his mind. If he does come back to you, he will always have his child's mother in his life too. Can you deal with that notion for the long term too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 Ive contemplated on that and i can. This isnt the first time ive dated someone who had children with someone else. This is just the first time ive actually had to experience the pregnancy. Im not trying to push him. I took the other guys advice and told him that i dont deserve to be pushed away and im just trying to be here for him. When i brought up if we were still going out today he told me i was "making this hard". Making what hard? So im awaiting his reply to my last message. At the end of the day if there is no future with us i feel like he should just tell me. Dont just become mute like im suppose to know what to do. The last time i did that he got upset because i didnt reach out. Thats why its so confusing and at this point i need answers and he needs to give them to me. In the text i also told him that if he needs space then just tell me that. He is being selfish by thinking that this is only affecting him and not me too. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I can tell this is very upsetting for you, but I think you have done all you can for now. You let him know how you feel and that you will not turn your back on him, the next move is his. I am afraid if you continue to contact him and pressure him, one of you or the both may end up saying things that can't be taken back later. May I ask how old you both are? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 Im 22 and he is 23..he'll be turning 24 in a couple of weeks Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Wow Chrissy, I'm feeling so old right now lol The reason I asked you about your ages, is I felt you both were probably very young. I can also tell you that when I was around his age, I did not have a clue as to what I really wanted in a relationship. But it truly sounds like at this point you may be more vested in this relationship than he is. Add to that the outside pressure he is getting to stay with his ex and raise their child, you are in a difficult position. Honestly you are in a very tough spot to influence what he will ultimately decide to do, because of the unforeseen obligation he now has. If you are patient enough to wait for him, then fine. But you sound like a very passionate woman and it is going to be difficult to sit around waiting on him to make up his mind. You may need to start preparing yourself to move on if he has not give you answers in lets say a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 Ive thought about that ..but how? Its so simple to say when there isnt anyone else that i want. He told me that its still us and that nothing has changed. But everything is changing because hes being distant and i feel like im pulling teeth just to get him to talk to me. In the message that i sent i said and i quote: I know its rough right now but dont push me away...dont shut me out...and definitely dont walk away. You told me that you love me because having me around makes things easier... I want to still make it easier...i want to still make you smile and laugh despite the stress that you have. Thats why ive been trying so hard to see you..face to face... Hell i will even come to you if that meant that i wont have to do this texting thing just to communicate ? . Im going to be your biggest supporter and your #1 fan. You told me in the beginning that we were gonna go through hell. Who knew it would be something like this? But you will be an amazing father ? i know it. And that child will appreciate you so much. Just know that. So right now you are being distant. And i tried giving you your space to think and just relax. This is affecting me just as much as you. You have no idea where my mind has been the past 2 days. At the end of the day we all deserve someone who will choose us over everything and i still to this day choose you over everything. You arent communicating. If you need me to give you space then tell me that. The last time i did you got upset because i hadn't texted you ? i dont know what to do and im not a mind reader. Talk to me." So at this point im just lost. I dont know what else to say or do. A friend of mine told me that if i give him too much space he'll think that i dont care and that im giving up. And im like well you are a guy sooo... I just dont know. Its tricky because if it was so simple to move on i would. Ive done it before. But with all thats been invested i really dont want to. I dont want to give up on something we have worked so hard on. im to the point that if he doesn't respond im just going to go silent. On mute. And he'll come to me when he comes to me. I just dont understand how in a relationship you can go days without talking to each other without clarity if you are going to move forward or not. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 You obviously still care for him deeply, your text message definitely reflects that. But one possibility you have to consider is that he may still be working through feelings for his ex and soon to mother of his child. If that is the case, add one more strike against your relationship. It is NEVER easy to move on from someone you've cared deeply about. Whether they cheated on you, died, or abused you, it's never that easy. You don't have to end it with him today. But if you keep contacting him and sharing your feelings everyday, then in his mind he knows that you are still there waiting for him, thus excusing him from having to make a decision. Now that you have poured your heart out to him, just leave him be, NC. After a few days or a week if he sees that loosing you is a REAL possibility and he wants to be with you, he will come to a decision. But hard as it will be to do, you must go NC. If giving him too much space causes him to choose the ex over you, then I'd say you're lucky to have dodged a bullet with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 NC is so hard to do in this situation because i have no answers. No one is communicating with me or telling me anything. But in a way you are right. That message was all that i could have left to say to him. I guess because when he told me i didnt flip out and go hysterical. I just took time to myself and when we talked i was really level headed about it. Maybe thats where i messed up. Showing no emotion. :/ But now that i am it seems like its doing no good. I understand that he is stressed out. And honestly being with someone who doesnt make you happy just because of a child is stupid to me. Itll only make things worse between the two of you and then when the baby comes there will be a whole bunch of unnessecary drama. As his girlfriend i feel like its my duty to be here. And if he doesnt fight for us the way that i am then what more can i do? I just dont understand why in a relationship personal things make you draw away from your partner. I thought things like this were suppose to draw us closer. When he told me he said he kept it away from me for a few days because he didnt know how i was going to react. He didnt know if i was going to up and leave or snap on him or what. So now that ive proven that im staying hes acting distant. Its the most frustrating thing ever!!! The last thing i wanna do is feel unappreciated. But i love him. But walking out is still an option. I just dont want to walk out too soon and regret it because these are times when we need each other the most. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 NC is so hard to do in this situation because i have no answers. No one is communicating with me or telling me anything. But in a way you are right. That message was all that i could have left to say to him. I guess because when he told me i didnt flip out and go hysterical. I just took time to myself and when we talked i was really level headed about it. Maybe thats where i messed up. Showing no emotion. :/ But now that i am it seems like its doing no good. I understand that he is stressed out. And honestly being with someone who doesnt make you happy just because of a child is stupid to me. Itll only make things worse between the two of you and then when the baby comes there will be a whole bunch of unnessecary drama. As his girlfriend i feel like its my duty to be here. And if he doesnt fight for us the way that i am then what more can i do? I just dont understand why in a relationship personal things make you draw away from your partner. I thought things like this were suppose to draw us closer. When he told me he said he kept it away from me for a few days because he didnt know how i was going to react. He didnt know if i was going to up and leave or snap on him or what. So now that ive proven that im staying hes acting distant. Its the most frustrating thing ever!!! The last thing i wanna do is feel unappreciated. But i love him. But walking out is still an option. I just dont want to walk out too soon and regret it because these are times when we need each other the most. What more could you possibly say at this point? What you wrote him sounded reasonable and level headed to me. But it was not enough to get him to respond. He may feel smothered at this point by you. Try NC and stick to it no matter how difficult. Not trying to make you feel worse about the situation, but why do you assume he is not still attracted or romantically involved with the ex at this point? You have no idea if he is being fully honest with you about the nature of their relationship currently. The fact that he hasn't come to you for support with his current struggles speaks volumes also. He clearly feels that it does not concern you and does not feel comfortable involving you. Don't lose too much sleep or beat your brain up over him not coming to you for support. As I've said before, you do not have to end it with him today. Just back off and go NC and give him a week or so, then see where things stand. If you don't give him real space (NC) then you will lose him. He may view your actions as selfish otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 The fact that he hasn't come to you for support with his current struggles speaks volumes also. He clearly feels that it does not concern you and does not feel comfortable involving you. Don't lose too much sleep or beat your brain up over him not coming to you for support Ding. Ding. Ding. ^^^^ this ^^^^ Your BF wants you to back off. Listen to what he's screaming at you by saying nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 He actually responded to the text message Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 He actually responded to the text message What did he have to say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 "I really don't know what to tell u..I appreciate u being here tho...but its a lot on me because I really didn't see this coming..anything else I was prepared for but not this...and its gonna get uncomfortable for u eventually and I don't want it to..and I don't wanna walk away either...I still want u in my life..but I know us being together while I'm having a baby by someone else will cause unnecessary drama and I don't want it to affect the baby either...man I really don't know right now..that's why I been to myself and moody lately" Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 My text back was fairly long. I just reassured him that im here. That it wasnt planned for but unless shes lying neither of us can stop it from happening. But pushing me away is not the answer. I told him that for now he needs to just get his mind off of it before he lets it overwhelm him and end up having a nervous breakdown. I also told him that we promised to never give up on each other ..but if he's telling me to walk away then i have no choice but to do so because im doing the best i can and if we are all adults about the situation then the baby momma baby daddy drama can be avoided. I also admitted to him how it took a toll on me the first few days but i didnt let it show because i knew it wouldnt help. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Well sounds like the thought processes of a man confused, which is be expected in this situation. All you can do now is be there for him after you have give him the space and a bit of time to think. You have made your position known to him and now you see where his concerns are also. Just be cautious how much you press him on deciding whether or not to continue your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Good luck Chrissy, I hope you update and let us know how it works out for you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 I guess you're right. Ive done all i can. And thanks so much for your help. Ill update if anything changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 It will be tough but be patient with him for a bit longer. He will come back to you if his heart is really in your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissypoo Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Hey guys just an update. We are doing ALOT better now. I took your advice and was just there for him and allowed him to come to me on his own terms. It was hard but worth it. He now realizes how much he needs me around and that hes completely happy with me. He opened up and let me in and now i completely understand his reasonings for shutting me out. The girl is pregnant... But there is alot of skepticalness going on about if it is his or not. We will find out eventually. Until then we are just enjoyinh our time with one another and trying not to focus on the stress. Link to post Share on other sites
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