Why is 20 and being in a serious relationship so unrealistic to people?

[shvrk]

One of the important parts of being an adult and having relationships is knowing when to end it. People think "if I end it then I've wasted 2 years of my life". Would you rather stay and waste 2 more?

 

Wasted? Experience is priceless.

 

It's not that I feel like I've wasted anything. I do however hold on because I feel guilty and maybe my feelings would change. I know it's wrong but I'm scared

[TaraMaiden2]

of what?

 

Exactly?

[shvrk]

of what?

 

Exactly?

 

Just life without him. Hurting him. Losing something that could have been great

[CarrieT]

Just life without him. Hurting him. Losing something that could have been great

 

What about him hurting you with his current actions? And keeping you from experiencing things you want to try?

 

Please understand that you don't "lose" a life that could have been a great - you simply create a different life that WILL be great.

[TaraMaiden2]

Just life without him. Hurting him. Losing something that could have been great

 

You had life without him before you met him.

What makes you so dependent on his presence, now?

 

Hurting him.... aren't you hurting now....?

Pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional.

Whichever way this goes, there will be some discomfort.

But sure as hell is hot, it's not worth prolonging the agony.

Is it...?

 

You're not losing anything that 'could have been great' because it's not great now, and it takes 2 to make it great.

If you guys aren't on the same page, you need to spread your wings (both of you) and find greatness with someone more compatible with your ways of thinking.

 

I mean, if this 'could have been great'.... you're preventing yourself from finding 'this is amazingly great' with another.....

 

No.....?

[shvrk]

You had life without him before you met him.

What makes you so dependent on his presence, now?

 

Hurting him.... aren't you hurting now....?

Pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional.

Whichever way this goes, there will be some discomfort.

But sure as hell is hot, it's not worth prolonging the agony.

Is it...?

 

You're not losing anything that 'could have been great' because it's not great now, and it takes 2 to make it great.

If you guys aren't on the same page, you need to spread your wings (both of you) and find greatness with someone more compatible with your ways of thinking.

 

I mean, if this 'could have been great'.... you're preventing yourself from finding 'this is amazingly great' with another.....

 

No.....?

 

You're right... and I only feel that way, that life could have been great is because he tells me. Constantly. But we are struggling now and I see key things that make it rough for me to stay atound

[MissBee]

Now, i know what you'll all say, too young, too naive, don't know what out there etc...

 

But i think I'm going to be with my boyfriend very long term. We've been together for 8 months and we have plans for the future and talk of moving in & marriage and even working as business partners in the future. (I'm in school for business admin) he's twenty-six and says he wants to spend his life w me. Our biggest fight was when something i posted in another thread, and thats been resolved and worked on so well it's great. He shows me that he genuinely wants to be w me and loves me. We even have a dog.

 

I've dated, slept with and met my fair share of guys in the past, but i absolutely love and adore this man. I've been through spiritual growths and have had many revelations that tend to separate myself from a lot of people my age, and my friends my age (2 of them) think I'm "wise" but all I'm using is my common sense. I'm in school school, and doing well also.

 

Sometimes when i look at the threads and see how younger people are viewed as far as a relationship going, i become a little confused because how i feel seems so solid. And i know i may be you but i feel as if i know what i want and what i don't.

 

Why do you care if people think this?

 

I think part of being secure in your knowledge of yourself is not really caring if other people think differently. People have good reason to think so, but it shouldn't matter if you genuinely are confident that you are the exception.

 

I do think it's possible to have a serious relationship at 20, but I also know, having been 20, and being in my late 20s now, that that's a time where you grow and change as a person a lot and sometimes things don't work out. But this is at any age....many of us meet someone and think it will last forever and it doesn't. That's most relationships. So whether you're 20 or 40, that's often how it goes. But especially when you're young it's to be expected that most people in this day and age will date several others seriously before settling down for the long haul. But some people do settle down at 20. None of can predict how long things will last for you...but if it lasts another 5 years, forever, or only 3 more months, you would have still gained a lot from it, which is what matters.

 

I think what some people might think is naive is that sometimes when you're younger you are certain about things or think you are or think that things will last forever, and aren't more open to the possibility that it could not, so that's maybe why some folks think it's naive. I think that's often a tendency of young people, to feel invincible or to be more inclined to think things will be the same as they are now.....then you grow and change and you're like why did I even think that?! It still happens at other ages but I find now that when I look back on things and think how/why did I think that or even like/thought I loved this person, the bulk of those thoughts come from when I was younger and as I got older how I thought about relationships changed and I think while I am often hopeful and excited about someone, I'm less of the mentality that "I am sure this will last forever and ever and ever...." but experience makes me say "I think it could go the long haul, I want it to...but who knows..."

[shvrk]

Well we have broken up. It was extremely hard. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. It was messy. I moved all of my things out. He destroyed my paintings. I tried my best to stay civil as i could. I hurried and had friends get me. Gave him back the promise ring. And necklace. So thats it. Im living in a friends house temporarily till i get up on my own feet. Hes texting me a ton. It really sucks.

[elaine567]

Just life without him. Hurting him. Losing something that could have been great

 

But it wasn't great was it, it isn't what you want.

 

Too many women stick around with unsuitable men waiting for that "great time" - it rarely materialises.

You have done the right thing here, well done.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Why do you care if people think this?

 

I think part of being secure in your knowledge of yourself is not really caring if other people think differently. People have good reason to think so, but it shouldn't matter if you genuinely are confident that you are the exception.

 

I do think it's possible to have a serious relationship at 20, but I also know, having been 20, and being in my late 20s now, that that's a time where you grow and change as a person a lot and sometimes things don't work out. But this is at any age....many of us meet someone and think it will last forever and it doesn't. That's most relationships. So whether you're 20 or 40, that's often how it goes. But especially when you're young it's to be expected that most people in this day and age will date several others seriously before settling down for the long haul. But some people do settle down at 20. None of can predict how long things will last for you...but if it lasts another 5 years, forever, or only 3 more months, you would have still gained a lot from it, which is what matters.

 

I think what some people might think is naive is that sometimes when you're younger you are certain about things or think you are or think that things will last forever, and aren't more open to the possibility that it could not, so that's maybe why some folks think it's naive. I think that's often a tendency of young people, to feel invincible or to be more inclined to think things will be the same as they are now.....then you grow and change and you're like why did I even think that?! It still happens at other ages but I find now that when I look back on things and think how/why did I think that or even like/thought I loved this person, the bulk of those thoughts come from when I was younger and as I got older how I thought about relationships changed and I think while I am often hopeful and excited about someone, I'm less of the mentality that "I am sure this will last forever and ever and ever...." but experience makes me say "I think it could go the long haul, I want it to...but who knows..."

 

This kind of thing is QUITE common in smaller towns. The only dating options are those who you dated in high school...and the only thing left to do in life...at least in this area...is get married before the legal drinking age and pop out 2 to 3 kids before the age of 25.

 

Surprisingly, some of the people that married their high school sweet hearts are still together *shrug*, but chances are they are probably wanting to split up, but in a small town with no options, they wind up sticking in marital "bliss".

 

it would kind of boggle my mind as to why they aren't open to exploring OTHER dating options outside of high school. Some even went off to college...far away, and were still attempting an LDR with boyfriend back in this city. When I was off to college, I met tons of women out at events, parties, functions, but they are like "I have a boyfriend...back home." And it was some fledgling attempt to keep things going, but eventually the "weekend" road trips to each other's places/dorms got old, they joined other special interest groups, made new friends, and the relationship withered and died within weeks.

Edited April 14, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[CarrieT]

OP, I'm an artist and the fact that he destroyed your paintings is heartbreaking and *very* telling how immature and unstable he really is.

 

The only consolation is that you got out before there was an actual marriage - and children! - and that you will be given free rein to create and explore on your own.

[Toodaloo]

Sometimes when i look at the threads and see how younger people are viewed as far as a relationship going, i become a little confused because how i feel seems so solid.

 

This is a forum where typically people who are confused come, I am not the exception.

 

If you feel solid and happy then my advice is don't question it. Enjoy it instead.

 

However...

 

Well we have broken up. It was extremely hard. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. It was messy. I moved all of my things out. He destroyed my paintings. I tried my best to stay civil as i could. I hurried and had friends get me. Gave him back the promise ring. And necklace. So thats it. Im living in a friends house temporarily till i get up on my own feet. Hes texting me a ton. It really sucks.

 

This is what tends to happen...

 

Its very easy to get swept away by the fun and frolics of love at any age, when you are younger (and less battle worn) its very easy to think that a month is forever and miss signs that point to a relationship not being viable.

 

Life is long. There are always many route you can choose to take.

 

Sorry you are hurting. But it will get better and you will go on to date others.

[Lady2163]

A couple of things, even though this thread has changed....

 

I know of a couple in the early 50s who met in kindergarten and were in he same classroom from K-5. She had to stay after school in second grade because the teacher caught her kissing him. They both "missed" each other terribly starting in 6th grade when their class schedule didn't completely sync up for the whole day. They started going steady in 7th grade. They went to the same college and married the month after graduation. They've been "together" for 40 plus years! They had their spats and teen breakups, but never for long.

 

Now, do I know them well enough to know they are happy and would do it that way again? No. I don't know if either one has ever cheated, I don't know a lot details about them. I was at a supper party with them and I am friends with a classmate (who dated the man very briefly during a teen breakup). But it's a fun story to tell.

 

My exH and mine ages correspond with you and your (now ex) boyfriemd's ages. We were both a touch older than you are now when we got married. We never had a good year of marriage, but it was 8 years of sheer hell.

 

Money was the primary problem. We were both in the military, which paid lousy. Then I was going to college. Then he got a job that paid well, if he put in the time and he didn't want to put in the time, so it did not pay well.

 

I literally make 10 times more than I did 20+ years ago. His income (a couple of years ago) was a negligible increase. He makes $125 more a month than he did 20 years ago. He hated his job, so he changed to a lower paying job that he hates just as much, but can tolerate.

 

So, unless you're independent wealthy or are going to graduate with one of those golden ticket degrees, money is going to be an issue. I resented it when I couldn't afford even a CD of m favorite artist when it was released. But somehow when the newest videotape of his favorite actor appeared, there was always money for that. He had to donate his videos to the library a few years ago, I sold my CDs for a good profit before iTunes and ripping songs from YouTube became the thing.

 

Sorry, spinning off-topic.

 

No way possible I would marry my exH or even look at him twice today. I'd be telling him after the second date, "I'm sorry, I just don't think we are a match." Or my usually line is to tell them I'm still hung up on my ex and am just not ready to date.

 

It is hard to explain how you will change. When I was 20, I probably believed abortion should be legal, free and easy to acquire. This is because I was having sex and didn't have the means to pay for one, travel to get one. Nowadays, I still think it should be legal, but I'm a whole lot less inclined to give a blanket go-ahead. Several years before I had my tubal ligation, I knew I wouldn't get an abortion if there was an 'oops'. When I was married and miserable, I had a scare and was already trying to find a way to have an abortion without my then husband finding out.

 

So, your belief system may change. I was raised to be a bible thumping Christian, every word is gospel and true. As an adult, I asked..."Adam and Eve had Cain and Abel. Where did Cain and Abel get their wives from?" I'm still a Christian, but there's a lot about the bible I look at as a guide rather than a rule or scientific absolute.

 

I know your situation has now changed. I just wanted to illustrate how your mindset may change in the next few years.

 

Oh - at 24 I was totally opposed to spanking. Thought it was demeaning and way too scary for the child. No way was it ever right to put your hands on a child.

 

Then my nephew started walking and talking. He was a naughty, mouthy brat. My view changed overnight, (No, I never did it, but wished his parents would!)

[kendahke]

Our biggest fight was when something i posted in another thread, and thats been resolved

 

Aside from this, what other major crises have you two weathered together? I'm talking loss of job, financial loss, loss of family members while together (not counting your father's death because that happened before you met your boyfriend), legal problems, medical emergencies, etc. How does he handle stress and how do you handle stress and what do each of you expect out of the other when life's stresses become intense?

 

As you grow older, your fights about the things that visit all of us as we get older are going to determine if you two have the depth of conviction required to go the distance. Posting something on facebook doesn't even really count here--that's a surface issue. I'm talking about things that will attempt to sink you down to the Marianna Trench level. Many mature couples don't survive plummeting to those depths.

 

to add:

Wow... well, I guess he doesn't handle stress well at all.

[shvrk]

Aside from this, what other major crises have you two weathered together? I'm talking loss of job, financial loss, loss of family members while together (not counting your father's death because that happened before you met your boyfriend), legal problems, medical emergencies, etc. How does he handle stress and how do you handle stress and what do each of you expect out of the other when life's stresses become intense?

 

As you grow older, your fights about the things that visit all of us as we get older are going to determine if you two have the depth of conviction required to go the distance. Posting something on facebook doesn't even really count here--that's a surface issue. I'm talking about things that will attempt to sink you down to the Marianna Trench level. Many mature couples don't survive plummeting to those depths.

 

to add:

Wow... well, I guess he doesn't handle stress well at all.

 

Mostly being bored, not having money, his drinking...

[SaveYourHeart]

Mostly being bored, not having money, his drinking...

Your relationship sounds so much like my marriage, it makes me very sad. Good for you for getting out when you could, I'm so sorry about your paintings.

[shvrk]

Your relationship sounds so much like my marriage, it makes me very sad. Good for you for getting out when you could, I'm so sorry about your paintings.

 

Thank you.