Why is 20 and being in a serious relationship so unrealistic to people?

[shvrk]

Welp. I am now 21, a year after this thread was first written and I am tired. I have not been to a bar yet, he says it's a waste of time. I want to explore and he wants to be about business. I'm scared. He wants to marry me. Have me rely on him. I'm ready to be single but I have no idea how to leave this.

[TaraMaiden2]

Copy, paste, email:

 

"I'm sorry, I've had it. This isn't for me. I'm done. Have a great life."

 

Block, delete, deny, go No Contact, leave, walk away, move on, let go.

 

Done.

 

Do you guys live together?

What is the current domestic/living arrangement?

Rent? Mortgage?

What names are on the agreements?

[PogoStick]

Wait, what happened to:

"Why is 20 and being in a serious relationship so unrealistic to people?

Now, i know what you'll all say, too young, too naive, don't know what out there etc...

 

But i think I'm going to be with my boyfriend very long term. We've been together for 8 months and we have plans for the future and talk of moving in & marriage and even working as business partners in the future. "

[TaraMaiden2]

Wait, what happened to:

"Why is 20 and being in a serious relationship so unrealistic to people?

Now, i know what you'll all say, too young, too naive, don't know what out there etc...

 

But i think I'm going to be with my boyfriend very long term. We've been together for 8 months and we have plans for the future and talk of moving in & marriage and even working as business partners in the future. "

 

You know what happened.

 

She explained it here:

Welp. I am now 21, a year after this thread was first written and I am tired. I have not been to a bar yet, he says it's a waste of time. I want to explore and he wants to be about business. I'm scared. He wants to marry me. Have me rely on him. I'm ready to be single but I have no idea how to leave this.

 

...So that having been established, instead of making her to eat her own words, any cool advice you might like to give instead....?

[Poutrew]

You know what happened.

 

She explained it here:

 

 

...So that having been established, instead of making her to eat her own words, any cool advice you might like to give instead....?

 

I think she has already been given great advice, but she needs to look at it from the point of view of the young 20 year olds who shouldn't get married young. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you can admit it to yourself and get on with your life. I kinda feel sorry for the BF. He sounds like he really is matured enough to marry. Too bad this one isn't it...

[PogoStick]

You know what happened.

 

She explained it here:

 

 

...So that having been established, instead of making her to eat her own words, any cool advice you might like to give instead....?

 

Nah, she came in all defiant to people who have life experience. I prefer to give it back.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well now she's learning. and at that age, we all were. Young people always "think they know it all". It's a part of growing up.

 

We were all young once.

Did you never have a foolish conviction once?

Have you never had to 'eat humble pie'....?

 

Be nice.

And give the young lady some kind advice.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Welp. I am now 21, a year after this thread was first written and I am tired. I have not been to a bar yet, he says it's a waste of time. I want to explore and he wants to be about business. I'm scared. He wants to marry me. Have me rely on him. I'm ready to be single but I have no idea how to leave this.

 

Be honest with him that the relationship has runs its course and that you don't see a future together.

 

What are the logistics involved? (ie. moving, rental agreements, etc)

[GoodOnPaper]

I was burned in similar fashion when I was 21. What made it even worse in my case was that she strung me along for a few months when she never had any intention of continuing our 2-year relationship. So, I think this is the way to go:

 

Copy, paste, email:

 

"I'm sorry, I've had it. This isn't for me. I'm done. Have a great life."

 

Block, delete, deny, go No Contact, leave, walk away, move on, let go.

 

Done.

 

I hate that for a young man, being LTR-minded is considered such a weak or otherwise undesirable quality. Hopefully he'll rebound with at least some confidence intact.

[TaraMaiden2]

.....I hate that for a young man, being LTR-minded is considered such a weak or otherwise undesirable quality. Hopefully he'll rebound with at least some confidence intact.

 

I personally don't think that at all. But it's a question of compatibility.

 

How many times have we read on here about guys who are commitment-phobes or "I have waited for him to pop the question but he never has", "I'd like to get married but he won't discuss it" or "Tying the not - he says he's happy as we are!"

 

Akll-too-often it happens the other way around.

Besides, she's far too young to marry yet.

[elaine567]

Besides, she's far too young to marry yet.

Agreed.

Different life stages, he wants to settle down with a young wife, she as an educated 21yo woman wants to see some life first, before she even contemplates marriage and kids.

[xxoo]

There is no shame in coming to the realization that this relationship is not the one you want to be in long term. THat is why we date--to experience relationships and learn what we are really looking for in a long term partner.

 

Of course it's difficult to hurt someone, but honesty is best. Be kind, but be firm. Tell him that you are realizing that you want to experience more before you settle down with anyone. Tell him that the one thing you are sure of is that you are NOT ready to settle down now, with him.

[xxoo]

I hate that for a young man, being LTR-minded is considered such a weak or otherwise undesirable quality. Hopefully he'll rebound with at least some confidence intact.

 

What? I considered it one of my partner's most attractive qualities! Strength and maturity, yum. Still, it took me a couple years to catch up with him and want a long term relationship as much as he did.

[shvrk]

Copy, paste, email:

 

"I'm sorry, I've had it. This isn't for me. I'm done. Have a great life."

 

Block, delete, deny, go No Contact, leave, walk away, move on, let go.

 

Done.

 

Do you guys live together?

What is the current domestic/living arrangement?

Rent? Mortgage?

What names are on the agreements?

 

We live together but we aren't financially relying on each other. His dad has an extra house we live in but have to be out. Now I need to figure out how to tell him I am not sure if I want to rent a place with him

[elaine567]

Its perfect timing then, you leave his dad's house and move somewhere else on your own.

YOU can't waste any more of his time or yours.

Tell him the truth and let him find a woman who is ready to settle down with him.

[preraph]

People continue to have big mental changes through their 20s, that's why. Brain is still developing even. I don't know anyone who stayed with their high school sweethearts past their 20s. Doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy what you have. You should not have kids and fully enjoy the relationship for, say, the next seven years and see if you're still seeing yourself living with the guy for the rest of your life and whether he has what it takes and you have what it takes to add kids to the mix.

[GoodOnPaper]

I personally don't think that at all. But it's a question of compatibility.

 

How many times have we read on here about guys who are commitment-phobes or "I have waited for him to pop the question but he never has", "I'd like to get married but he won't discuss it" or "Tying the not - he says he's happy as we are!"

 

Exactly - so it's rather ironic or crazy, depending on your point of view, that the few guys we hear about who are actually open to commitment and on track with what they think will be life-long relationships end up being dismissed. To attract women who want to commit to you, you have to act like you don't want commitment. I never understood that.

[CarrieT]

Our brains don't fully develop until around 22. I got married at 20... And by 25 we were both very different people.

Medical studies show that it is more around 27/28 - not 22.

 

OP, the frontal cortex - that mechanism that allows and helps people in decision making - is not fully connected until the late 20s.

 

This is why so many of us who have experienced it are emphatic about encouraging people to not make commitments until their 20s.

 

I was like you, believe me. I was wise before my years and even had others comment on how adult I was before I was even 18. So I got married when I was 20 and was divorced by 25.

 

There is no problem making a commitment in your early years, but even better if you are aware of the fact that people change drastically from their 27th through 31st year; they change in what the want in life, who they are, and their entire philosophical outlook. And many, many relationship do not survive those changes.

[shvrk]

Medical studies show that it is more around 27/28 - not 22.

 

OP, the frontal cortex - that mechanism that allows and helps people in decision making - is not fully connected until the late 20s.

 

This is why so many of us who have experienced it are emphatic about encouraging people to not make commitments until their 20s.

 

I was like you, believe me. I was wise before my years and even had others comment on how adult I was before I was even 18. So I got married when I was 20 and was divorced by 25.

 

There is no problem making a commitment in your early years, but even better if you are aware of the fact that people change drastically from their 27th through 31st year; they change in what the want in life, who they are, and their entire philosophical outlook. And many, many relationship do not survive those changes.

 

Respect. I was caught up in my emotions.

[elaine567]

Exactly - so it's rather ironic or crazy, depending on your point of view, that the few guys we hear about who are actually open to commitment and on track with what they think will be life-long relationships end up being dismissed. To attract women who want to commit to you, you have to act like you don't want commitment. I never understood that.

 

There was nothing wrong with him wanting commitment only he chose a person from the wrong age group and the wrong educational level to do that with.

Educated young women do not want to be married and have kids in their early twenties.

For most highly educated women, motherhood doesn?t start until the 30s | Pew Research Center

[clia]

We live together but we aren't financially relying on each other. His dad has an extra house we live in but have to be out. Now I need to figure out how to tell him I am not sure if I want to rent a place with him

 

This has been a great learning experience for you. Next time don't move in with a guy so quickly. Think about how much easier it would be to end things if you weren't living together.

 

That said, the timing is great. You are just going to have to suck it up and tell him the relationship isn't working for you and you prefer to get a place on your own or with a friend (whatever you are going to do.). He will be hurt, but stand your ground. Do not move with him into another place. He'll get over it.

 

I don't really understand why you haven't been to a bar just because he doesn't want to go. Why not go by yourself or with a friend?

[PogoStick]

One of the important parts of being an adult and having relationships is knowing when to end it. People think "if I end it then I've wasted 2 years of my life". Would you rather stay and waste 2 more?

 

Wasted? Experience is priceless.

[SaveYourHeart]

Now, i know what you'll all say, too young, too naive, don't know what out there etc...

 

But i think I'm going to be with my boyfriend very long term. We've been together for 8 months and we have plans for the future and talk of moving in & marriage and even working as business partners in the future. (I'm in school for business admin) he's twenty-six and says he wants to spend his life w me. Our biggest fight was when something i posted in another thread, and thats been resolved and worked on so well it's great. He shows me that he genuinely wants to be w me and loves me. We even have a dog.

 

I've dated, slept with and met my fair share of guys in the past, but i absolutely love and adore this man. I've been through spiritual growths and have had many revelations that tend to separate myself from a lot of people my age, and my friends my age (2 of them) think I'm "wise" but all I'm using is my common sense. I'm in school school, and doing well also.

 

Sometimes when i look at the threads and see how younger people are viewed as far as a relationship going, i become a little confused because how i feel seems so solid. And i know i may be you but i feel as if i know what i want and what i don't.

My serious relationship started when I was 19, a month before my 22nd birthday, we got married. I am now 23, my husband 28. I'm going to be terribly honest with you, if I could go back, I would. Being married so young is hard. He is the only man I've been with for an extended period of time. We moved in together after dating for a few short months, got engaged after about a year of dating and got married a year later. Marriage is SO hard. Something changes after vowing to spend your lives together. It is reasonable for young people to get married and last forever, but before you do it, I'd really advise that you stay together a lot longer. They say after 4 years, you really know the person you're spending time with. I wish I had waited.

[SaveYourHeart]

Now I see this thread is a year old and you're looking for a way out. My advise on that is to rip the band-aid off and let him know that you're just not feeling it anymore. You have different dreams. You want more. Then pack your stuff and move into a place by yourself and ENJOY the journey of finding/loving yourself and experience the world without being tied down!

[GunslingerRoland]

I know lots of people who've been with their SO since 20 or around there (including myself). Not impossible at all. If you said 16, I'd say the odds were much more stacked against you... that handful of years makes all the difference.